Queen of the Lot

My essay My Three Weddings appears in the Here’s My Story section of The Gay & Lesbian Review this week.

Marty sometimes refers to himself as “broken.” He says it as a joke after he thinks he’s done something to disappoint me and needs to hand me an excuse. He doesn’t. He’s not broken. He’s human. But doesn’t life try to break all of us in different ways? It attempts to fell us with traumas and disappointments big and small, the job we didn’t get, a breakup, a catastrophic illness or a loss that…

Naomi Watts as Babe Paley Beautiful Babe Paley, arguably the most famous socialite the sixties ever produced, removes a heavy gold-and-pearl necklace from a large jewelry box on the dressing table in front of her. Above the velvet rectangle sits a stiff white card scribbled with the words, “From Bill with more than all my love with all my heart forever.” Draping the jewels around her neck, Babe…

It isn’t surprising that the two most important men in my life are alike in many ways. At least once a day, I’ll look over at Marty and say something like, “Guess who else was an avid stamp collector?” or “Michael felt the same way about that.” Mike slips in and out of our lives in other ways, too. Marty and I were watching yet another episode of Only Murders in the Building the other day when I…

The Durham’s Dazzling Holiday Tree Michael and I indulged in more than a few holiday traditions. We decked our tree with a slew of dazzling Radko ornaments shortly after finishing the last of the Thanksgiving turkey every year and never got around to taking it down until April Fool’s Day. (After the holidays slipped from the calendar, Mike and I referred to the heavily adorned Tannenbaum as our…

Marty and I aren’t football fans. Oh, we follow the ups and downs of Nebraska’s Corn Huskers. It’s impossible to live in Omaha and not follow their progress since media coverage of the team is as ubiquitous as the many steakhouses dotting the city, and its fanbase is some of the most loyal I’ve ever come across. Husker fans are so dedicated that it’s not unusual to go to a local restaurant during…

Six months ago, Marty’s office chair gasped its last. He ordered a new one that arrived on our doorstep like most desk chairs do—in approximately a million pieces. Since Marty’s not built for DIY, and I’m a stubbornly self-sufficient fellow, I declared that I was going to put it together myself. Marty said what he always says in situations like this. “Just make sure I’m out of the house when you…

People say that Michael was “larger than life,” and they were right. His presence filled any space he occupied, and he was usually the center of attention without really trying. I loved this about him and sometimes chose to recede so he could shine. While Marty’s a more laid-back fellow, his best friend of over forty years describes him as “too much.” I completely agree. He has too many shoes…

Traveling down the narrow, tree-canopied lane to and from our home in Ajijic, Michael and I passed a small neighborhood cemetery almost every day. Unlike cemeteries in the states, the tiny, fenced-in piece of ground was lined with headstones that were always sheltered by a profusion of colorful plastic and natural flowers. These stood sentinel over the bodies resting below no matter the time of…

The other day I told my therapist I felt guilty because I wasn’t missing Michael like I used to. Smiling, she looked at me directly and said, “Grief is supposed to be that way, you know. You’ll miss him less and less as time goes by.” Somewhere in my head, I knew this was true, but I felt that by giving in to these feelings, I was betraying Mike’s memory. I still miss him every day, of…

I’ve probably seen Sleepless in Seattle ten times and never once realized it was a movie about grieving. When the Nora Ephron romcom first hit theaters back in 1993, I saw it primarily as a delightful film starring the incredibly likable Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. The two fall in love despite living on opposite sides of the country and never meeting in person until the final scene. Completely…

Marty mentioned marriage more than once over the last year, letting me know in no uncertain terms that he would like to tie our lives together permanently, but I always hesitated. I said I wasn’t ready or that it was too soon. What I meant was that I was scared of committing. I was afraid that if I married Marty, I’d somehow be disloyal to Michael. Somewhere in my head, I knew this wasn’t true,…