TW: domestic abuse, suicide and substance abuse.
im sorry this long and ill do my best to keep it short without leaving out too much.
okay, so about 15-20yrs ago my mother was in an abusive relationship with a man. they were both massive alcoholics and drug users. i was in my 20s and also a drunken, drugged up mess, anyway, my mom had been with this guy for like a year maybe before it was apparent he was beating her. tbc she fought back and they hurt each other but he was more than double her size and she clearly was getting pummeled by him. but she refused to leave or admit how bad it was. (note im not putting any blame or anything like that on my mother, it was a horrible situation and fighting back doesnt make it mutual abuse or anyway her fault)
anyway, fast forward to one night i came over to my moms and when i walked up the first thing i found was him raging in the backyard, screaming and thrashing about at some bushes when he noticed me he perked up all smiling like "HI BUDDY!" as if everything was fine. i just walked passed him and went into the house. inside i found my mother in the bathroom crying and washing the bleeding wound on her arm. (he had broken her arm about a week before and she had to have surgery to fix it. he re-broke her arm and tore open the surgery cut) almost immediately he was behind me trying to come into the bathroom, i turned and started trying to force him out, we were in a small hallway outside the bathroom door and he tried to smash his bottle of beer on my head and missed and it smashed against the wall, showering me with beer and broken glass. i always carry a little knife on me, so i pulled it out and held it up so he could see it, trying to convey not to come at me again. (tbc he had me by about 100lbs and 5in. i am a transman, but this was well before i transitioned so at this time im female presenting, and as hes attacking me hes calling me dyke and faggot and other slurs) well he lunged at me again and i just popped him with the knife right in his shoulder, by his collarbone, once. shocked he sort of stumbled back but then came at me again and i just started pushing him in the chest as hard as i could over and over until he was out the back door. i managed to get the door shut and locked and he started trying to break the door down and i just kept screaming "ill stab you in the face" over and over until he left. after that my mom and i, extremely shaken, changed out of our beer soaked and blood covered clothes and left to go sit at a 24hr diner and try and figure out what happened, what happens next and just hide from him. when we went back to her house, like 4 hours later at like, there was a cop waiting in the driveway. (so apparently when i stabbed him, i severed the major artery that runs down your neck and when it wouldnt stop bleeding he called his cop brother who then used his power, while we were sitting in the diner across town, to have the police breakdown our back door and raid our empty house then left a cop there to wait for us.) the cop detained us both and we were both questioned for more than 9hrs. most of this time i was just waiting while they talked to my mom and documented all of her many injuries. they finally let us both go without any charges but tell me "dont leave the state". he was never charged with anything either.
within a couple of days they were back together and there was nothing i could do about it. my mother and i had been planning on moving out of state together before all this and i started pushing her again to do this, to leave him and everything. but she wanted him to come. i told her if he came id end up killing him or hed end up killing her and i refused to go. so they moved together and i stayed behind. i was still too much of a mess (addiction, depression etc) to really do anything to help her. well, they were together for a couple years of constant drugs and drinking and abuse before it eventually got so bad that she finally was able to seek help. one night she lied about where she was going and went to a friends and called the police. when he was arrested there was a huge problem with taking him to trial because he had a warrant out for his arrest in his home state for beating a previous girlfriend nearly to death. but finally he was convicted and did time and him and my mother never saw one another again.
well as ppl tend to do, she would look him up online from time to time to check up on him and recently she did and found his obituary. she looked into it and found that on the anniversary of when she finally got help, he was out at a family cabin with some relatives and he told everyone he was going for a walk. after a few hours he didnt come back and they went looking. the forest service spent 2 days searching the woods before they found him. hed gone somewhere remote and difficult to find and he had repeatedly stabbed himself in the neck and shoulder, completely demolishing the same vein i had severed all those years ago. the suicide is so steeped in shame and self loathing and rage, i can only imagine what was going through his mind at the time..
needless to say this is all a lot to process, for me and for my mother. its so complicated, its hard to talk about with anyone, but im just glad that he isnt hurting himself or anyone else anymore. my mother and i are both sober now, i ended up moving out to be with her after he was arrested and have worked hard to get us both sober and functional. i hope this helps my mother let go of her misplaced guilt for "hurting him back" and "getting him sent to prison". but ill be honest, its hard knowing i was on the mind of someone as they took their own life in such a violent way, i mean how could i have not been? i imagine he probably wished id have "done the job" all those years ago in that small hallway outside my mothers bathroom.. fuck.
