Guyssss! Thank you so much!Ā š„ŗ In honour of this milestone (which is a big deal for me, I canāt believe so many of you has read my work!) I have revamped the majority of my old work (mostly headcanons). So what that means is that I have rewritten them, they got REDONE BABY, from top to bottom. Another good news are that I have finally managed to create a masterlist, so you can now more easily browse through them, (hereās to hoping that it works for you as well as it works for me!) Link is down below! Seriously, thank you guys and happy reading! (Or, re-reading haha)
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iām sorry to ask but i havenāt seen you mention this (i might of not looked hard enough) but are you still in support of Wilbur?
Hey! I havenāt been on this account for a while since my laptop has been not working for months now and I donāt feel like writing on my phone! I do not support Wilbur, therefore I wonāt be posting anything involving him anymore.
sad u deleted the quackity friends to lovers one it was so good, but I hope ur doing well!
Ahh Iām so sorry! the good news are that I wrote another Quackity fic, which has now been posted in case you missed it š¤ if Iām completely honest the first one kind of made me cringe reading it back hahaha and I just wanted to write something even better, now that I feel like Iām somewhat capable of that! Hope youāll love it as much or even more than the one before š¤š«¶š»
I was wondering if you would do a friends to lovers fic for Sapnap
Also I just want to say you are one of the best authors I've seen on here. I love your work and style, the you way you protray everything makes it feel so much more real. I love you work and look forward to see more. It's amazing as always.
Hope you hare a good day/week. You deserve the best! <3
Hiii! Iād love to do a friends to lovers with Sapnap too! Thanks so much for this super kind message, it sooo warms my heart to hear this kind of stuff from amazing people like you š¤ i hope you have an amazing week too, thank you for bringing all this kindness to my inbox for me to read š¤
A/N: OMG, some of these include some dirty humor, or whatever you want to call it, so enjoy, I guess. Hahaha. I didnāt even realize how much there is of it. Sorry, or not sorry, hahaha.
He wouldĀ always, alwaysĀ insist on picking you up from wherever you needed, especially from parties if it was late at night. I can see it going down two ways: sometimes heĀ would very smugly pull up in his car with the windows down, wiggling his eyebrows and whistling at you to get in the car, āyour ride: coming in hot.ā He knows heās attractive, heāll take advantage of it every second of every day, no matter the situation. SMH. Heād then hold the door open for you from the inside and help you in by grabbing your hand and pulling you in, giving you a nice, slow, little smooch once youāve settled inĀ and quietly asking against your lips if youāre okay, and if you had a fun night. Or sometimes when he feels more needy towards you, he would hop out of the car to greet you more physically, feeling the need to get his arms around you greedily, because sometimes even a few hours apart is unbearable for him. He would not fret to fondle your body either there in the driveway, whether someone sees or not; he doesnāt care, heās not waiting until you get home to show you some lovey-dovey if he feels like it.Ā Heād ask if youāre finally ready to go home with him, and you nod furiously, because the thought of getting home and doing your nightly routine with him has never sounded so good. Anyways, no matter what, when you get in the car you would always immediately see that he has spread out his hoodie on the passenger seat for you to put on, in case you feel a little cold, or if you just want to snuggle with it and doze off while he drives you two home, if you were feeling exceptionally tired. Sometimes he has some water and food waiting for you in the car too, and he would even keep face wipes in the car as well at all times, in case you ever feel like freshening up or maybe removing some makeup, especially on nights like these. So, a full care package, technically. Curated with love. If you actually happen to be so tired that you keep falling asleep in the passenger seat, heāll keep one hand on the headrest of your seat, so you can lean on his arm and therefore you get have him close to you even when he is driving. And he gets to make sure youāre comfortable. 10/10 experience. So, every time youāre going out for the night, you can always count on the thought of him coming to pick you up and itās just a really nice thing you always look forward to. Sometimes it even makes you leave earlier than you intended to. But, who can blame you? You live for those little moments you have in the car, or outside of it, before he takes you home.
It would take a lot for him to try and stay focused on streaming whenever youāre around in the house. Heās takingĀ ābathroom breaksā every 20 minutes from the stream and, no, heās not even going near the bathroom on those breaks, but instead heāll find you and dump his daily dose of love and affection on you, acting like he has all the time in the world to do it. You would go for a lie-down on the couch and know heās in the middle of a stream when you see the door to his room is closed and you can faintly hear him continuously talk about nothing in particular, and all of a sudden you hear nothing but the door opening and then heāsĀ jumping on the couch, literally giggling and all, ending up landing on top of you, startling you in the process. Youād distraughtly ask himĀ āarenāt you streaming right now?!ā and heād just nonchalantly shrug and smile smugly at you, āif āstreamingā means laying on top of you and wanting to make you see stars, then yeah, I sure am streaming.ā This guy. Youāll eventually have to push him off and send him back to his stream, and heāll pretend to be so upset at you, walking back to his room with his shoulders slumped and his head hung low, sighing and mumbling at himself, āguess Iāll go back, unloved and disregarded by the one who means the most to me... I can feel my little heart crumpling up, but who cares, right?ā and dramatically closes his door. Soon youāll hear him normally chatting and laughing again, sounding very much like himself again, and youāll smile at yourself, because he truly is something else, isnāt he?Ā After literallyĀ 20 minutes, youād beĀ in the kitchen preparing something to eat for yourself, and what you donāt know is that he has excused himself from the stream again for anotherĀ ābathroom breakā, and this time you didnāt even hear his door open, because heās being extra sneaky this time around. Heāll successfullyĀ sneak up behind you in the kitchen where youāre busy cooking, and thenĀ whisper in your ear āthat for me?ā That would startle the hell out of you again, but you donāt have too much time to be flabbergasted, before it would hit you that he has once again left his stream and chat unattended and unentertained, so you immediately scold him again for it, āgo back to your stream!ā, to which he just full-on bursts into playful cackles and says something so stupid in hopes to rile you up even more, like āso, no head?ā and keeps laughing like there has never been a better time for him to get on your nerves.Ā You definitely kind of have to push him away and send him back to his room again.Ā Heās still snickering when he eventually returns to the stream, munching on some food he managed to steal off your plate anyway, chat being not too amused themselves, lol. He has a lot of explaining to do,Ā especiallyĀ if he plans on taking more ābathroom breaksā, which he totally is. Poor chat.
Heās so attentive to you, your wants and needs, your interests, your favorites, everything! And definitely enthusiastically notices every change in your appearance too, small or big, you donāt know how he even sometimes notices them. Whenever you actually have undergone a change in appearance, heās just swooning over it the moment he sees your new look.Ā āHolyāāĀ he stutters as his eyes bulge, āyou just rocked my world in a brand new way.ā Like I said, he is swooning. He would always be supportive about every change you make, especially if it means that youāve done something that makes you feel a bit more like yourself, a little bit more confident. You would never have to worry about it, he always finds you incredibly attractive, only has eyes for you. Thatās true love right there. Heās not taking his eyes off you for the rest of the day, or the week, telling you every time you notice it that heās āstill getting used to you getting even more beautiful.ā
He has a really great talent of tasting... and you figured that out whenever he would recognize what the flavor of yourĀ lipbalm is whenever he kisses you. āStrawberry!ā āWhat?āĀ āYour lipbalm, or whatever it is. Thatās strawberry flavor.ā Sometimes he canāt let it go. Youāll smooch him before you leave him to do some work and when you return, he looks mentally gone, so youāll ask him,Ā āwhatās wrong?ā Heāll cry out to you,Ā āI canāt figure out what the flavor of your lipbalm was today! Itās that, like, orange fruit.āĀ āItās literally calledĀ āorangeā.āĀ āNo way!āĀ You didnāt even think too much about it at first, how much effort he puts into that. Heāll definitelty use your lipbalm too, sometimes. Youāll look over to him and catch him in the act, applying your lipbalm on himself,Ā āis that mine?!ā He stops in his tracks and starts snickering uncontrollably, kind of embarrassed, putting your lipbalm down,Ā āitās not fair that only your lips get to be tasty! And this way, youāre technically kissing me even when youāre not. Itās like two birds, one stone, or however it goes. You know?ā You just suppress a smile and shake your head at him. Heās so ridiculous. Ridiculously cute, may I add.
He thinksĀ āFoolishās propertyā, or āFGās propertyā should be your brand. If he ever was to hack your social media, I think thatās what he would change your bio to. Especially if you guys hadnāt announced it to the public yet that youāre dating each other, one day, boom, thatās what your bio says, and now everyoneās figuring it out. Welp. Heās such a little troublemaker sometimes, thinking thatās the perfect way to announce your relationship to everyone. It would kind of become your thing, or your ābrandā like he wanted to, ever since then and unfortununately, people would not live it down. Foolish would not make it any easier for you by acknowledging people in chat talking about it, and add fuel to the fire by saying how much he likes it. It would blow so out of proportion that a fan would make you a keyring with the phrase āFGās propertyā. Itās still to this day hanging from your bag. He loves it. Donāt encourage him any further though, or fans will start making you bracelets with that phrase, too.Ā You would secretly love it, though.
Sooo many beach days. We all know he loves them. He loves them even more with you. You two would walk in the sunset, sharing a cool popsicle, heās showing off for you again, literally carrying your clothes for you by throwing them over his shoulder and brushing his wet hair back, making sure you see all of it. Heās putting on a show for you and pretends he doesnāt know heās doing it. He probably takes his damned surfboard with him too and covers your body with it, if he gets too jealous of people looking at you. Imagine just laying on the sand with him, a little out of breath and cold when you get out of the ocean, and he tries to occassionally smooch you and it still freaks you out to do it in public. Because you know heās a tease, and you never know what heās up to. He promises to control himself, or at least his hands. Canāt say the same for his eyes. He watches you and your body at times so⦠hungrily that you ask him whatās wrong. He just grins at you and tells you that, āin my mind youāre already nakedā, and you get so flustered and your face gets so hot that you have to actually walk away from him. He also grins every time he catches you running your eyes over him, because he knows maybe youāre thinking the same thing. Canāt take you two anywhere. SMH. JK.
He would try so hard to live up to the image of a handyman from your dreams. Whenever something needs repairing, heās right there to fix it. Or it could be something as simple as changing a lightbulb and he would go all the way for that. You leave him to it and a few minutes later when you return to the room, heās all in the element. He would have literally pushed and tied his hair back and taken his shirt off, flexing his muscles, whistling and chewing some gum. Yeah, he would be so extra, in full gear, even whereās not much to do. Youād ask him,Ā āthis isnāt necessary, is it? Itās just a lightbulb.ā Heāll interrupt and shush you,Ā āwhy not?! Iām putting in hard work.ā How many Foolishes does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he is jacked. Letās be real, he would do this when he is doing chores too. Youāll assign him to empty the dishwasher and instead of quickly getting to work to get it over with, heās being extra as hell and doing the same thing, tying his hair back and removing his shirt. Heās secretly hoping that youāll walk in and like what you see and offer him some distraction.Ā āAre you going to war, or what?ā youāll tease him instead when he stretches.Ā āWell, yeah, the chores seem to have your attention nowadays more than I do, so, yeah, Iāll fight them,ā is what he replies. Not gonna lie, you find it a little funny, that on top of him trying to impress you he has also somehow managed to make himself jealous.Ā So, expect running into a wild Foolish showing off in the house when you least expect it.Ā Sometimes you make fun of him for it and how hard he still tries for you, like that one time you asked him to put the dry laundry back to itsā place and he told you, āIāll put you in your place in a second, too. You just wait.ā Oops. He did. You still make fun of him sometimes, but this time with a motive.
So, about the PDA. Sorry to say it, but his signature move is smacking your butt. And make it as extra, and as embarrassing and annoying for you as possible. If you two ever were to bake together, at first it would be such a cozy evening of baking, unless itās not so cozy anymore when he tells you, āif only I could get my grabbers on you,āĀ and before you have any time to object, boom, your butt is full of floury handprints. He definitely takes a picture of it when youāre not looking. If you were having a nice day at the beach together, guess who constantly has sandy handprints on their butt? Yep, you. You would definitely feel kind of embarrassed, but he just laughs at you and tells you not to fret. He definitely wants to snap a fun, little sexy picture of it too. For what purpose? Youāll never know. Thereās been a time when youāve been renovating your friends bedroom together, a friendly offer, just painting some walls, and you already know that whenever he has some paint on his hands, he would just reach out and land a smack on your butt, staining you, before you had any time to react. Too bad you had to walk home after that and didnāt have spare pants to change into with you. Foolish feels no shame whatsoever, unlike you, who just doesnāt want to be seen by anyone with these major handprints on your bottom.Ā So, whenever thereās something for him to smudge around, watch out, because heās not afraid to get his hands (and you) dirty.Ā One of his love languages, perhaps, considering how often he does it.
Whether you want it or not, youāre kind of like his workout buddy now. Or more like a piece of equipment. Youāre not sure anymore at this point. But you do know that he usually ends up with more stamina than he started with when you join his work-outs and he canāt take the new-found sexual tension that forms with heās all giddy and giggly every time he insists you two do that couple-y thing, where youāre lying underneath him while heās doing push-ups. Sometimes when he lays there on top of you, you really cannot help it that your mind starts wandering, and he calls you out real fast with a blush on his cheeks, (because heās thinking about it too), and a strained āget your mind out of the gutterā. You do, until he makes you sit on his back while heās doing push-ups and your breath kind of hitches at his remarkable stamina and strength. Itās all fun, until itās not, when he starts doing it at nights when he canāt sleep. Sometimes youād wake up in the middle of the night in an empty bed and heās on the floor doing push-ups and says,Ā āoh, thank God youāre awake, giddy up and get under me.ā You have to refuse, because itās literally 3 AM and youāre dead tired. The next day heās at it again. This time heās doing sit-ups on the bedroom floor and calling for you to sit on him,Ā āsaddle up, Iām waiting.ā Youāll hesitate, because how would that even work and heāll huff at you, āoh, so now itās a problem. If we were to get hot and heavy, you wouldnāt even think twice about it.ā Who knows, maybe he invites you to take a shower with him afterwards, (happens 9 out of 10 times). Itās sort of a ritual now. He thinks you spoil him everyday by being the most stunning person alive, so he thinks he needs to catch up a little too and keep himself fit for you. As if you would ever lose your interest. At first you think working out is a drag, until it becomes fun with him, and now you two do it as often as you can. He would definitely smugly propose some more couple-y stuff and moves every time too, sometimes so inappropriate you have to refuse. Itās your job to keep up with him and keep him in check.
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YOU BELONG WITH ME; QUACKITY X READER (STRANGERS TO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, SLOW BURN.)
A/N: Hiii! I did not realize how hard it is for me to write about friends to lovers until I was writing this. I think I'm better at established relationship stuff, hahaha. But there was an interesting request in my inbox if I could write a Quackity X Reader piece, where the reader is hired by Quackity to edit his videos and Spanish subtitles and such, and proceeds to fall for him somewhere along the way. So, I did that, with a few twists of my own imagination. Be aware, that this story includes usage of alcohol. And it's painfully slow burn at times, hahaha, but that's the beauty of it sometimes.
I canāt remember a time in my life when I have felt more hopeless. Looking for a job really sucks, actually many things suck and I hate how life seems to pass me by, almost even faster when I feel like running out time, almost as if to tempt me to keep count of all the time I waste. Time flies when your life is falling apart, isnāt that what they say?Ā
I wish it was few days ago when this started, this desperate job-hunt, but itās been so long now. I need something, and fast.
I see my phone light up, the only source of light in the dark room. I see itās already 11 PM, which means I have wasted another night staying up thinking about my future and where do I fit, if anywhere. Great.
Besides that, what captures my attention next is that itās my friend texting me, and theyāre not here to chit-chat about the usual stuff we talk about every night, but telling me they have a perfect plan for me thatās worth a shot. I wonder how thatās possible, at 11 on a Monday night, and how do they know it any better than me whatās right for me?Ā We both know thatās a lie, though, they know things about me before I even know them myself.
I demand to know more about this plan. Iāll try anything, thatās for sure. Anything to get my foot in the door in this world, you know? The next thing they send me is a mysterious link. I click on it and see it taking me to an application form. For what exactly?Ā
I let out a frustrated puff once I read the first line;
āWe are hiring! Apply here for the position ofĀ āVideo Editorā andĀ āTranslatorā for Quackity!ā
Ridiculous. I already feel defeated, rejected, because how would I have a chance, out of everybody else applying? What makes me special? Thatās probably one of the questions on the application and I donāt see myself writing anything worth reading over in it.
I text my friend promptly, my will to fight suddenly vanishing into thin air, telling them exactly what I think of this idea, that itās far-fetched and Iām not going along with it. Still, curiosity, or whatever, is kind of getting the best of me, I canāt lie, as I eye the open application.Ā
My friend texts me back, full of persistence;
āAnd why not? You studied editing and youāre good at it AND you speak Spanish which is what theyāre looking for. Youāre the whole package?! Tell me Iām wrong, you canāt.ā 11:06 PM
Well, I canāt argue on that. Itās my power that I did happen to take editing courses, and Spanish courses too, for reasons I wasnāt sure about back then, but now it could all make sense.
I confess to my friend that Iām actually considering filling out the form, but I feel stuck. I donāt know what I would answer to certain questions such as why should they hire me, or what makes me, well, me. I donāt know.
I mentally hit a dead-end as soon as I got to the question of what makes me unique and stand out from the other candidates. I wrote out my first, honest thoughts, and everything the perfect version of me in the perfect world would think or say, if I only was more brave and less insecure. I wrote, a lot of stuff. If I say so myself, it was a good application in the end, with a little humour.
The scary part was to scroll down the page, hit the blue āsubmitā button, and watch text appear on the screen;
āThanks for your application and your interest towards working with us! We will be in contact as soon as possible as the recruitment process will proceed!āĀ
I think I just jumped out of my skin. I want to cringe at the thought of them reading over my application. Can I just not be me for a second, while I try to get over this?
I text my friend the last thing for the night, before deciding I need to sleep this shame off, and maybe tomorrow it all doesnāt matter, and we move on;
āGuess what? I just sent the application. I hope youāre happy now.ā 11:25 PM
I watch their text pop up;Ā
āI am! Youāll be too when they hire you, trust me!ā 11:26 PM
Sure, I think, almost wanting to roll my eyes. I appreciate the enthusiasm my friend has for my future when I donāt have any, but I mean, like I said before, this is an insane attempt. I drift to sleep soon after. A total shocker that I was able to even sleep a wink that night. What have I done and what am I doing to myself?Ā
.
The more time went by, the more all of this felt like a joke I always knew it was. Itās been a week now since I sent the application, and everything almost feels too normal for anything life-changing to happen anytime soon.Ā
Well, it wasnāt until I checked my email on a Wednesday morning when things started to feel somewhat real and moving again. I had something there waiting for me. An email regarding my application. I imagined it to be a nicely worded rejection, something along the lines ofĀ āWe would like to thank you for your interest in us and the position you have applied for. Unfortunately, at this point, you are not being considered for this role, blah blah blah.āĀ
I suddenly felt like I was in fact not fine at all, when I started reading through it;
āWelcome to our team!Ā We were impressed by your application and would love to proceed further with you! Please reply to this email as soon as possible if you are still available and interested in this position.ā
What do I do?! I will reply, tell them Iām still interested, right? That Iām ready for things to proceed. Am I?Ā How, or why, am I the lucky one here?Ā Iām not used to claiming first place, Iām usually just a runner-up. But here begins my winning streak, I guess.Ā
I type a response with shaky hands, then put my phone down.Ā I donāt think Iām actually ready for things to move any faster than I can take, and itās already feeling like a lot right now, like Iām biting off more than I can chew. But if they see enough potential in me, itās all in my head.Ā
Safe to say that it startled me when not even a few minutes later I received a follow-up email, asking me a few more questions, to which I replied to to the best of my ability. Questions such as am I certain I can commit to such schedule in a long run.Ā It was sinking in for me as I was typing, that this really is a one hell of an opportunity that they are offering me, and I need to be the best. Thereās no other option.
The next email they sent, it meant all business;
āWe are thrilled to hear you are ready to work with us! Would you be free for a call tomorrow at 8 PM?ā
Okay, straight to the point. I tell them Iām free and ready.
Except that I didnāt feel so ready anymore when I received one last email;
āGreat! We will have Alex call you tomorrow.ā
Yeah, Iām absolutely sweating bullets now.Ā I stayed up much later than I had intended that night, mostly thinking about how fast things are happening now, and if I have started something here I canāt end. I typed his name countless times into the internet to see more of him, but it feels like the more I know, the less capable I am of dreaming of the possibilities of what will happen. So I just went to bed.Ā
.Ā
The next day arrived faster than I hoped it would. Can I really do this? Am I ready? So many questions and not enough time to figure out the answers. Quite literally, because I lingered in bed the whole day and hurriedly had to jump into my clothes when I eventually got myself up.
It was 7.50 PM when I sat myself down at my desk, ready to take on whatever was coming. Even if it knocks me down once, I will get up twice. No matter what it takes. It didnāt help my nerves when I kept checking and re-checking the time on my phone. Now I just want to get over with it, so I can finally have some peace of mind and not live in the distress for a minute longer.Ā
Then it was finally 8 PM, sharp. This is a waiting game, I guess. A matter of minutes.Ā
When the phone finally rang, it was 10 minutes later. The longest 10 minutes of my life, by the way. Iām surprised I didnāt curl up and die within those 10 minutes, thatās what it felt like.Ā
I give myself a few second pep-talk, clearing my throat, before picking up as nonchalant as I could, acting like I havenāt been sitting and waiting here shaking like a leaf, thinking about if death was more painless, āhi there!ā
I mentally cringe at myself for sounding a little too excited and loud, but Alex didnāt seem to mind as he speaks back to me,Ā āhi! Hello. How are you?ā
āIām good, yeah! Nervous, actually, if you canāt tell yet. You?ā Iām already starting to crumble and my voice is wavering as I realise that Iām just⦠me, and he is he. Even as strangers, heās way out of my league. He is known, adored, watched by millions of people, I am not. Iām average, boring, some would even say.Ā I donāt blame them. So, remind me how am I, out of everyone, here, in this situation?Ā
I hear him smile into the phone,Ā ādonāt be. Iām good, fuckinā amazing, to answer your question. And just overall, you knowā¦,ā he trails off, before taking a sharp breath,Ā āanyway,Ā I guess Iām just here to sort of do a vibe check. I mean, I can tell youāre cool, so there should be no problems there, butātalk to me, about anything. I would appreciate it, though if it was related to the job, but donāt fret too much, okay?ā
I now smile to myself too and at the fact that he, first of all, is here trying his best not to overwhelm me, and that he keeps cussing as if he doesnāt care this is technically a business call. I could loosen up a bit too in my own ways.Ā
āWell, Iāfirst of all, thanks for doing this. Iām really excited about this opportunity,ā I ramble until I realize how Iām getting a bit sidetracked here from the question, thankfully he doesnāt point it out, but instead encourages me to keep going, so I did, this time right on subject. I tell him what I can, about myself and my studies that I worked hard for and that would benefit me in succeeding in this job position. He listens every word, throwing in some comments and pleased sounds, as to approve what heās hearing.
āWow, yeah, thatās fuckinā impressive, you should be proud. Not everyone can do it, you know? Like thatās some tough shit if you want to be any good, so I definitely respect what you got goinā on.ā
Why am I now spiraling? Maybe because I canāt recall the last time someone bothered to compliment me on this so thoroughly, and out of all the people possible, it has to be him. I didnāt expect it to actually rob me of words like this.
āThanks,ā I eventually stutter, ādidnāt think I was going to hear that, especially from you. It means a lot.ā
āOf course, Iām glad it means a lot. I really mean it.ā
This is definitely not the kind of vibe I had prepared myself for. I feel like we are alreadyā¦. bonding? Just a little bit. I feel it more as we keep talking, and one conversation turns into another and then another. I learn something, that he undeniably has a great sense of humour, very witty and likes to laugh, but can also be serious when needed, talk sense into anybody and be the voice of reason. I think it was at least for a good hour that we just exchanged words and stories, and laughed a lot too, of course. I even come out of my shell and tell him jokes, that makes him laugh in turn.Ā
Before we could get any more in depth, he mutters through a yawn,Ā āIām genuinely excited to have you, itās gonna be so fuckinā great. So, welcome to the Team Quackityāno one says that, I just made that up, I just lied to youābut, I really think youāre gonna do amazing. I think Iām going to put my little best foot forward and head to bed at a decent time, for once. My feet are not little though, like Iām not a fuckinā gnome or anything.ā
We both laugh. It is getting somewhat late and our brains are getting to the stage of tiredness when everything said is suddenly funny. Itās very reassuring to see this human side of him, that he is so easy to talk to and that maybe I was anxious for nothing, and felt the pressure to appear so interesting for nothing, because he made me feel interesting so effortlessly.
And I guess Iām in now, I got the job, judging by his words, that he is excited to have me around in the future. Itās going to take a while to get used to this. Maybe I ever wonāt, so heāll always keep me on my toes.Ā
āIāll seeāor talk to you soon, I think,ā I tell him.Ā
He doesnāt bother correcting me or himself, āyeah, Iāll see you soon, very soon probably.ā
After that all I heard was rustling from his end and a small noise indicating he was getting tired, so we both know itās time to wrap things up here. Until next time. It made me want to squirm to know there will be a next time.
I still donāt know how I managed to fall asleep that night with a mind running a thousand miles an hour, but I did, eventually.Ā
.Ā
It didnāt take many days at all before I already had something waiting for me in my inbox, some work to do. This is what he must have meant by seeing me very soon.
And so the first day of work and then a whole week of work was over in a blink of an eye, and I found myself busy trying to juggle everything. Doing my best was the best I could do, as I spent my days taking everything in and making this my new normal. Speaking of, it will take a while for any of this to feel normal.
I got to put my rusty Spanish skills to use, I even surprised myself with how easy I suddenly found the language I struggled with at a certain point in my life. I guess all it really takes is finding the right thing.
As to what comes to Alex, I barely hear from him. Mostly because this is strictly business, and when we do talk, itās about work, and even then he keeps it very short. I understand, heās busy, Iām not his only priority. The one-on-one talk I got to have with him on the phone that one night, when he was supposed to interview me but we ended up talking about anything else, that was one time and definitely wonāt be something that happens frequently. Things have changed since then. There has to be some boundaries set of what is appropriate, because after all, I just work for him and not playing any role of a friend.
So, itās been very independent, lonely at times, doing this job and I donāt know how or who to talk to about it. New job blues, it must be. Whatever it is, I donāt like it.Ā
.Ā
I was startled out of my sleep to my phone obnoxiously ringing. Well, it was obnoxious at first to be woken up like that, until I realised there arenāt many people who would call me this early in the morning.Ā
I make grabby hands for it, until I find it in the midst of the covers, and to my horror see Alexās name on the screen. It was still there no matter how many times I tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes, confirming Iām not dreaming.Ā This could be pretty much about anything, which scares me. Itās very unlikely for him to call me anymore just to chit-chat about nothing in particular. There has to be something else.
I hesitantly pick up, āhello?ā
āHi! I just wanted to⦠you know, check in, ask howās it going?ā he sounds way too happy for there to be to bad news. Whew.
I tell him itās going good and hear the smile in his voice as he seems to be satisfied with my brief answer,Ā āgood, Iām glad. I know it might be a shit show at first, like everythingās new, you feel like youāre alone in itāallĀ of that, but youāre not, okay? Like, I really do appreciate the hell out of you and what youāve done so far. Itās been really great to see it!ā
āThanks. Thatās actually what I needed to hear. Itās been a lot ofā¦. change for me,ā I feel like Iām flustered like a fool right now, good thing he canāt see it because I must look crazy. I wish I knew better words to express my gratitude for him right now, because itās exactly what I wanted to hear, especially after feeling low, but I never thought heād actually say it. Especially not right now on this specific, beautiful morning when Iām still half asleep and oblivious to the world.Ā
āIām sorry if I havenāt really been there to show my appreciation more, but Iām genuinely just so fuckinā busy, or if Iām not busy Iām sleeping or some shit, because as great as I am, I still do need my little beauty sleeps. But, if thereās anything I can do for you, justāyou will let me know, right?ā
I donāt know where this is coming from and what is causing him to talk to me in such confidence and care. All I know is that I suddenly donāt feel as alone as I did not too long ago.
āSure. Iām really glad you told me that. Takes a bit of a weight off my shoulders.ā
āOf course,ā he emphasizes,Ā āIām glad weāre on the same page. So, what are you doing right now?ā
Iām surprised at his attempt to keep talking to me instead of hurrying to go on with his day, like he usually does. I rack my brain for something sensible, if thereās a right answer to his question,Ā āuhāis this a trick question? Is there something I forgot to do?ā
He laughs,Ā āno, no, I swear! So, youāre not up bright and early, not a morning person?āĀ
āWho is?ā I chuckle and fight off a yawn.
He groanes as if stretching himself to prove his point,Ā āfair. So, youāre not doing anything? Youāre free toāI donāt knowāhave a little chat?ā
Is there something he hopes to discuss, since he keeps hanging on the line? I donāt know for the life of me what that would or could be, or maybe Iām wrong and mean and paranoid and he is just kind enough to call me and initiate conversation after not hearing from me in a while.
āYeah, sure. Anything in particular you want to talk about?ā
āNo. Just anything, like fuckinā⦠why Spanish? Why did you learnt Spanish in the first place? Why did you chose it?ā
Great question.Ā I smile to myself, āsounds like you had something to ask me all along.ā
And so we fell into a conversation about it, about me deciding to learn Spanish in the first place, me telling him it was more of decision that I made one night when I was bored and couldnāt sleep and thought it was a such a godsent, brilliant idea. And so I applied for those classes that same night, I think I was half asleep and delirious, and the next morning I had to suck it up and face the consequences of my sleepy actions and attend those damn classes. It was surely tough at first, like everything new is, but eventually, with some hard work, I got the hang of it.Ā
It was over 30 minutes later, when we finally said goodbyes and hung up and then it was silent again, except for his words now echoing in my head, and how he seemed to be very into learning more about me, like he eats, sleeps and breathes that new information.
Now that I sort of have his permission to rely on him if I need to, I want to make the most of it. I mean, possibly, if I ever need it, but on the flip side, Iām aware Iām not here to make friends or connections.Ā We havenāt really even connected more than as people who work together so far, which I understand. Except for those few longer talks weāve had on the phone, but I think since heās so approachable, he probably talks like that with everyone. I donāt feel too special yet.
.
Things slowly made more sense and fell into place as it was that same cycle for the remaining of the week and the weeks after. I spent the days sitting at my desk, working. Time flied, for sure. The only thing that made me feel as if the days were dragging, was that I didnāt hear much from Alex. I actually didnāt hear from him at all, except for when I reached out to him concerning work, but other than that we didnāt really talk. I didnāt want to be the one to reach out to him for a casual chat, because it felt inappropriate, unprofessional even.
I definitely got crashed back to the harsh reality from whatever high I had been on when he used to have the time to talk to me. I understand it, but I did kind of crave some human interaction, some communication. Blame it on me and that Iām a people person and that maybe I find him interesting just a little bit.Ā
I want to know how he is doing and kind of wanted to have him ask me how was I doing too. Well, I am buried in work, thatās how Iām doing. I sometimes too need something, or someone, to share the burden with. I wonder if Iāll always feel this way.
.
Something blaring disrupts my sleep and wakes me up. Whatever it is, itās too loud for whatever time it is. Itās not my alarm, I acknowledge, but my ringtone. My phone. I recognize that sound.Ā
It almost hurt to pry my weary eyes open so fast, but I still experience a deja-vu. This sort of feels all too familiar, doesnāt it? Whoās calling me this early? Itās 9 AM on a... Saturday!? I completely forgot itās the weekend. Thatās what intense work hours does to a human.
āHello?ā I didnāt even try to conceal the sleep in my voice.
āWell, hello to you too,ā my oh-so-dear-friend speaks on the line. Right now I feel like I could tell them off, but to be fair, we havenāt talked in a long while. I just realised how long itās been since I have heard their voice now that Iām hearing it.
I groan groggily,Ā āhi, hello. Cut the chit-chat and tell me why you woke me up.ā
I pull the phone away to check the time again on the screen, if I had read it correctly. Yep, 9.01 AM on a Saturday morning. No one should be awake at this hour, especially not me.Ā
āI was finally able to sleep in today, you knew this,ā I keep whining.
My friend just laughs like this is all a joke,Ā āor you could come and have breakfast with me, just like the old times. I work too, so donāt tired-shame me! I love sleep as much as you do, but itās not every weekend we can do this anymore. You barely even talk to me these days.ā
I sigh again, now out of pity, because as tired as I am, theyāre right. We really donāt even talk as much as we used to do when we were not busy with work and well, adulting. Life. Ugh.
āFine,ā I eventually agree to it, āyou got me. Iāll see you soon then, I guess.ā
My friend squeals,Ā āyou really gave in already, this easily?Ā Iāll see you soon!ā
I stretch my tired body that feels like it isnāt ready to get up just yet. I need a minute, or two, or ten to wake up and I probably have like 30 minutes to an hour to get ready. Definitely enough, even if I stall in bed for a bit longer. And thatās what Iām planning on doing.
I cry out when my phone rings again not even a few minutes later. Thereās no way my friend is on their way already. Or maybe something came up and they are telling me I can go back to sleep. Am I an awful person for wishing that?Ā I had a change of attitude when I saw who was calling me.
āHello?ā
āHey! Long time no see, or talk,ā he speaks. Itās Alex.
Why is he calling me now? Iām suddenly feeling way more awake than I did just seconds ago. Yeah, screw sleep. What does he want?
āYeah,ā I laugh nervously,Ā āwhatās up?ā
āSo, something needs to be up for me to call you? I canāt just call you?ā he speaks before breaking into laughter,Ā āIām just fuckinā around, Iām kidding! Anyway, speaking of that seeing, howāwhat would you say if I asked if you want to pop a visit to my place? Iād love to see you in person, you know, and Iām in town, I have like no shit to do for once, Iām a free fuckināĀ man. If I was you, Iād take advantage of that, but you do you, I guess.ā
This is not what I expected in a million years. Even if his house was the only house in this world, I still wouldnāt expect access there. I mean, Iām flattered as hell, but why? Iām sure he has other friends he would rather seeāand weāre not even friends, actually.
I guess kindness comes in many forms. He doesnāt really owe me anything, especially letting me to see such a private part of his life like the place he calls home. Just because Iām now a part of his job, an acquaintance perhaps, doesnāt mean he has an obligation to let me see more of him.Ā But, who am I to say no?
I hesitate, before finally uttering a response,Ā āsureāI mean, if youāre sure, then yes. Iād like to, itās not like I have anything to do.ā
Except that I actually do have something to do. The breakfast.
Of course I donāt have the heart to correct myself, not when Alex sounds this excited, āgreat! So, Iāll be expecting you⦠letās say in a few hours? Nothing too crazy. I want toāyou know, I usually have a thing that I want to see as many people as I can who Iām working with to kind of, just to see them, makes sense, right? A vibe check, some would say.ā
Finally he tells me heāll text me the address later and there he goes, as the line goes dead and Iām left with my own thoughts. As terrified as I feel, I also do feel a little curious. Whatās going to actually happen once I get there? Is this a build-up to something bigger? What will he think of me when Iām not just an ideal voice on the phone, but a real, existing person standing in front of him?Ā
I call my friend and they immediately pick up,Ā āthereās no way youāre already ready! Iām leaving in a fewāā
āNo!ā I yap,Ā ālistenāthis is an actual emergency, like Alex just called me and asked me to come over, like he actually wants to see me and I said yes, because I spoke before I could think, so here I am, thinking what the hell I have just done.ā
āWhat? What are you talking about? Like rightĀ now? You have to go right now?ā
āLike soon-ish, yeah, I meanāshouldĀ I not? Am I actually going to go?ā
āOf course youāre going! In what world would you not go?!ā
āSoāyouāre okay with it?ā I ask. I donāt care what anyoneās telling me right now, I still feel stubborn if this is the right thing to do. I mean, thereās a lot at stake here. I could like, say something stupid to him or get all tongue-tied.Ā
My friend sighs loudly,Ā āIām saying this as kindly as I can, but shut up. Youāre going! Iāll just see you another day! Just tell me how it goes then.ā
We talked for a bit more, or more like, my friend talked and I halfheartedly listened. I feel completely unprepared for what is about to happen. Good luck to me. Luckiness is not my strong suit, but it has to be today.Ā
.
I was finally walking to the bus stop when a drizzling rain started to fall, and it did when I got on and off the bus too. Before I was caught in a storm, I check the address on my phone, and then Iām on my way to my destination.
It was not more than 15 minutes when I had made it, and there it was. In front of me was a really nice apartment building. The dark, cloudy sky made it look even more majestic, as it stood tall and proud. As I walk along the concrete sidewalk, I maneuvered my way to the entrance and right up the few front steps.
I feel like Iām doing something I shouldnāt as I make my way inside. Thankfully, I donāt see anyone as I step into the well-lit lobby, because I was definitely a sight to see, a bit damp from the rain and looking around like I donāt know where I am.
My heart is still heavy in my chest and my ears in the elevator. I keep tapping my foot whenever I could keep myself still, which was nearly impossible. But I had some time to think; what do I actually do once Iām there? No idea.
I finally make it to the right door and then itās now or never. Well, itās not going to get any easier, so I guess I have to go for it. After I gather the courage to ring the doorbell, I hear the lock turn and see the knob twist, and there he is, in front of me.
He has a really nice, contagious smile that Iāve only seen on screen before, but I never saw just how itĀ reaches his eyes, the dark and captivating eyes that reminds me of nice things in life, framed by his long lashes. He looks relaxed, his face a bit sleepy and his hair covered by a black beanie.Ā
āHey!ā he smiles wide, looking like he canāt stay put in one place much longer either,Ā āitās so nice to see you! Come here!ā
Before I have the time to say or do anything, he pulls me into a warm, welcoming hug. Definitely a good hugger too. His scent fills the air around me, which has a calming effect. The hug was warm like a sweater and a soft, pleased sigh escaped his lips.Ā
āHi,ā I mumble against him,Ā āit is. I didnāt know youāre a hug person. Noted.ā
Alex just laughs, like it was everyday for him,Ā āthanks for thinking Iām an asshole. What, should I just fuckinā⦠push you like the asshole I am?ā
We laugh off any tension, if there ever was any to begin with. See, heās really funny like that, which makes me think that maybe there wonāt be any rough patches today and we will get along fine.Ā When we pull apart, he takes his body heat away with him, and I feel a little chilly again from the rainfall.Ā He steps aside in the doorway and with an excited grin, invites me in,Ā ācome on in!ā
I give him a tight-lipped smile as I walk past him,Ā āgladly, thanks.āĀ
God, I need to stop being so formal and boring,Ā and lighten up a little. My head is still hazy, I canāt remember the reason why I am here in the first place. Was there ever such thing? Guess Iāll find out soon.Ā
He shows me around inside. What I saw in front of me, was a place that was really simple yet modern, very inviting indeed. Lots of tones of grey and white. There wasnāt any clutter in my sight, everything looked squeaky clean and organized. There was a corner that looked like his streaming set-up, that looked more messy than the rest of his place did.
āSo, this is my place slash office, where I do work. Hence the nameĀ āofficeā,ā he tells as he gestures me to take a look around. I laugh, and he seems satisfied at successfully amusing me, as he moves our attention to the living room.
I agape at how spotless it is wherever I look at. Thereās no way he does this himself with a schedule like his, or if he does, itās impressive.
āIām a clean-fuckinā-person, okay! As you can see. Honestly, my life hack would be just not to do shit. If you donāt do anything, there wonāt be a mess. See, itās fuckinā easy.ā
We both snicker out loud again and he motions at the tiny kitchen, exclaiming,Ā āthis is where I cook! I bust my little ass in this little kitchen every day.ā
āYou do?ā I ask, surprised. Shit, I didnāt mean to say that out loud, especially after what he said, so now it sounds kind of awkward, but itās also kind of funny. Iām just surprised that he seems to be so good at everything.Ā
He just chuckles,Ā āyeah. Iāll show you someday. Only if you promise to pay attention to the food and not only to my ass, like get your priorities straight first.ā
Oh God. Someday? Iām here for the long run? Iām just going to ignore the latter comment.Ā I put my hands up in surrender,Ā āI promise.ā
As we laugh again, I wonder how he is truly, effortlessly funny, like a breath of fresh air. Iām sureĀ I havenāt met someone like him before. Now it all clicks why he has such a wide audience from every corner of the world, itās not hard to find his personality likeable at all. He wears his sense of humor like itās his lucky charm and it works.
I follow him with my arms tightly tucked on my sides to the living room area, thatās kind of one with the kitchen, like a joint. I must look painfully awkward.Ā
āAnd this,ā Alex gestures,Ā āis where I kick back and relax. Not too much time for that lately, Iāve been so fuckinā busy with work.ā
āYeah, I donāt doubt it. Iām glad if I can make your life a little easier in that spectrum.ā
He has a nice view of the bustling city from the window too, something I find hard to divert my gaze from, just to find myself staring right into his eyes when I did.
āYou do!ā he smiles widely,Ā āthatās why I wanted to see you, actually, to kind of know even more about what youāre all about. You wanna sit down for a second? Can I interest you in a drink?ā he pulls his best British accent for the question. Oh, so hereās the part when it gets real, him questioning me.Ā
I agree and again follow his trail to the kitchen and watch as he pulls out a chair for me. He made it seem like itās suchĀ a nonchalant thing to do, but it strangely made my face feel warm. He didnāt have to do that, but he did. I thank him and sit down.Ā
āSo, what would you like to have?ā he speaks behind me.
I eye the kitchen,Ā āhonestly, whateverās the easiest for you.ā
I hear him hum and then he is gone. I watch as he walks around the kitchen, opening the fridge and the cupboards. I feel a bit creepy just following him with my eyes, so I sneakily pull my phone out of my pocket and see thereās a text from my friend. I shouldāve known.
āWhatās going on there? Iām dying to know!ā 1:01 PM
I kind of did promise them that I would text them as soon as things progressed or happened, which they really havenāt so far. Iām just kind of lost in the moment right now, taking it all in.Ā
I mentally shake my head and fight a smile, texting them back that I promise and vow to tell everything later, except that not much has happened yet. We havenāt exactly gotten to the point here, whatever it is.
Thereās one thing I canāt deny so far and could talk about forever, which is that heās really fun to be around. Heās one of those people who can immediately light up a room with his energy, which is what he probably does every time heās with people.Ā I suddenly feel small in his world. Sure, Iām here right now, sitting in his house, and Iām lucky enough toĀ call myself someone who gets to work with him, but still. Iām just one of the many people that gets to watch him shine from the sidelines.Ā
I put my phone away once I hear him coming back, and watch as he places a drink in front of me, āfor you,ā and one for himselfĀ āand for me,ā and sits down opposite me. The drink is lime green. It looks delicious.Ā I tell him that and shiver as I wrap my hand around the cold glass.
He smiles at me with his pearly white teeth on full display,Ā āitās fuckinā amazing. I think itās so cool, like the shit that bartenders do, mix a bit of that, throw a little bit of that in, and this is one of my many creations. I do feel like a bartender whenever I make this.ā
I smile and take a sip. It was amazing. āYou make this for everyone?ā
He seems stunned,Ā āno, no! I mean, IĀ rarely get people over, weāre all just so fuckinā busy to dilly-dally, and if I do, itās work relatedāyouāreĀ work related too, I know, butāitās a day off for the both of us, so fuck it, why not, you know?ā
āYeah,ā I take another sip,Ā āwell, Iām glad you invited me over.ā
He broadly grins at me from behind his glass,Ā āyou already told me that.ā
I feel myself getting flustered. Iām not really too good with human interactions or words today.
āIām just kidding,ā he gently laughs,Ā āIām glad you came over, too. Uhāyouāhow have you liked everything so far? I feel like I know a lot about you already, but you justāyouāre a very interesting person.āĀ
So, this is the kind of stuff he wanted to talk about? And did he just call me interesting? Iām going straight back to feeling nervous.Ā Meanwhile he takes a sip of his drink too and keeps his eyes on me the whole time.
āMe?ā I gulp,Ā āI donāt know whether to thank you or tell you that youāre delusional.ā
He just snickers again, there was no hint of real hurt or judgment there,Ā āno, no! Like now, you couldāve told me more, something I donāt know, but itās almost like you got some secrets, like youāre avoiding some shit. Are you? Every time I try to talk to you, you donāt.ā
He holds a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and Iām thinking if I should hold back my words here.Ā Have I been holding back that much? I havenāt realised it, if I have. Maybe Iām just scared of being too much and I donāt want to, well, be too much. I donāt know how deep is too deep, especially considering our work situation-ship.
Just when I thought I somewhat know him, he shows me a new side of him. Thereās been a lot of people in my life whoās had their eyes on me, but never cared enough to look closely enough to see me the way I am. At least not in the way I feel I deserve, like I do with him.Ā He seems fairly interested in me, which is the highest compliment, I think.Ā
āI thought you invited me here just to talk business,ā I stutter.Ā
āWeāre not working right now, I already told you.ā
His face was content as ever as he leaned on the palm of his hand and listened to me talk. And what did we talk about? Everything. All about me. I found it rather easy to open up to him, once I got started. The only time it didnāt feel as easy was when I was reminded how intensively heās listening and looking at me. I gulp down my drink and relish the sweet taste.
āI think itās kind of a fair trade if you tell me something about you next,ā itās my turn to grin at him.Ā
It was enough to make him crack up,Ā āwhat is this, a fuckinā truth or dare? Spin the bottle? You want another drink? I could go for another one. Fuck it, letās do 10 more! This is fun, Iām having a good time.ā
He convinces me to have one more with him. I mean, I canātĀ leave him now, I think itās just getting good here. We are having fun, is it a bit too much fun? I donāt know, but neither of us seem to care enough to stop it.
I agree,Ā āsure, Iāll have another and dare you to tell me something next, like how did you pick me? Or was it even you? You had your fair share, now itās my turn.ā
I can play this game too and Iām really interested in why he chose me. All this time I thought it was luck, but was it? What else does he see in me?Ā
He grabs our glasses, going to the kitchen to work his magic again, with his back facing me. It didnāt take him long, but it was long enough time for a silence to fall over us, except for a few clinks from the kitchen, and enough time for me to wonder about what has happened to far today.
He is so chill, unlike me on the inside. He didnāt make a big deal of us meeting, which is fine. I mean, I do work for him, this is all business, so I donāt know what else I would expect to happen. But I am taken aback he is willing to share so much with me and that it doesnāt seem to phase him much. He is letting me read him like an open book.Ā
He was way too soon back with our second batch of drinks, āso, you want to know why youāre here?ā
I nod coyly.Ā
He beams and leans back on his seat, resting his arm behind him and fiddling with his glass with the other hand,Ā āI mean, you know everything I need you to know and youāre good at it. You know a lot, youāre very smart and you work hard. I saw your application. And I know youāre very funny, too. You were funny as fuck on the phone when we first talked.ā
Oh no. Yeah, that was my tired brain talking back then.
He interrupts me,Ā āno, I think youāre funny as fuck. You should do that more often. Why are you holding back?ā
āI donāt know,ā I donāt know what Iām actually going to say to this one, āIām not used to mixing my humour with work, I guess, but glad it works for you.ā
āIt does, like you donāt need to hold back around me. Be yourself, you know? Like, fuck it. I say stupid shit too, but you donāt think any less of me, do you?ā
āNo, I dont,ā I confess. Iām happy he told me that. Heās giving me the freedom to be me, which I never realised is the greatest thing someone could give you.Ā
After both of our glasses were empty and we had gone over the stupidest jokes and stories that matter, I think it was time for me to get out. We really had found ourselves talking about everything, from our tastes in music to plans for the future.Ā
I tell him,Ā āI should go soon, but this was fun! We should do this againāprobably not! But if we ever happen to⦠I donāt know.ā Damn it. I know very well we shouldnāt and probably wonātĀ āhang outā like this again. Stupid me, not knowing when to stop. Iām such embarrassment-prone.
To my luck, he shakes his head,Ā āno, Iād like that! You have a phone, I have a phone, you know, letās make shit happen. Easy.ā
I dodged a bullet right there. Thankfully, he didnāt seem to think that us meeting up again would be unprofessional or weird and I didnāt make matters worse.
We get up and I let him lead me to the door. Iām about to step out, but not before turning to see him standing there with his arms spread out for me. A little warmth rushes into my cheeks as we mold together and share a hug for the second time today and he gives my back a soothing rub.Ā
āHave a safe trip home,ā he speaks lowly in my ear.
I watch him return the small smile through the little crack, until the door shuts close with a soft click. I walk back to the elevator, and once Iām certain I really am alone, I pull out my phone and text my friend. I didnāt even realise what I was typing as I was typing it.Ā
Thereās one thing in my mind I need to air out, because the longer it stays there, the more it becomes a secret. And I donāt want to keep secrets from my friend right now, secrets that are confusing me as much as it will confuse them;
āOh my God. Since when has he become so attractive?ā 3:05 PM
.
It didnāt take long at all for my friend to reply, like they had been waiting by the phone, but certainly not for a message like that. For the first time ever, I was honestly scared to see what they have to say this time. I donāt blame them though, I myself even feel a little scared of what Iām feeling right now.
āWhat?! What did you guys even do? You know this sounds very suspicious?ā 3:06 PM
Trust me, I know itās stupid,Ā but itāsĀ the way he actually cared to listen to me, and, I donāt know, appreciate me like no one has before. Iām afraid no one will understand what I mean, they would have to meet him and be in my place to understand.Ā He is somehow irresistible in every way, the way he talks, the way he listens, both just as important qualities.Ā
I guess there is no use in explaining myself, but I still text my friend back, trying to find the right words;
āNothing like youāre imagining, we just talked! But he said some nice things to me, like he finds me interesting, like heās just a very nice person and he has an attractive personality. I donāt know if thatās a thing but if not then I just invented it.ā 3:09 PMĀ
I know if thereās someone who sees right through me, itās my friend and I will probably be called out any second now. Just to be clear, I would not mess with him nor this job opportunity. Iām not like that, I just appreciate a good personality, I guess. And I mean, Iām not saying his looks are bad either... but, no.
My friend replies,
āI believe you, but this sounds like so much more. And Iām quoting you now,Ā āattractiveā?!ā 3:11 PM
I wish I wouldāve kept my mouth shut, because I donāt think I will ever hear the end of this. I end up finding my way back home safe and sound, which was actually a miracle, considering that I didnāt really pay attention to where I was going or which bus I hopped on, because there was just one thing on my mind. I donāt like Alex like that, but Iām also running out of ways to defend my case. Itās too soon to even think about these things.Ā
I went to bed early, deciding to catch up on some tv-shows, because I didnāt exactly know what else to do with myself. And sure, I was also texting my friend, telling them itās not like that and if we can now drop it and move on. I feel too stupid and embarrassed to think about it any longer. So I just got ready for bed and started up a tv-show re-run. Of course I couldnāt pay much attention when I had my friend blowing up my phone and my brain screaming the same stuff at me. This secret can never get out.Ā
.
The next day, as I woke up, the first thing on my mind was whatever it was that had taken over me yesterday, but other than that it was all the same. I so wanted to text Alex, thank him for having me over.Ā I suddenly felt so very bored of my own life, as I realised that wasnāt going be something we do often, if ever again.
I spent the whole day in bed, just killing time and relaxing, not like I had anything else to do. I could call up my friend, but I honestly still feel a bit embarrassed to talk anything over with them yet. I would rather solve it myself. My feelings, my problem, right?
.
A few weeks have passed. I havenāt talked much with Alex. Itās the same as usual, we have fallen back to the normal ritual, where the only interaction we ever have is strictly work-related talk.Ā
I, myself have also finally fallen back into my calm state of mind and so has my friend. Everything feels the same itās always been. Obviously, my friend hasnāt completely let me live it down, but I can live with it. We still occasionally talk about it, or more like, they ask me if Iām okay, because apparently, I sounded so passionate about my feelings and itās not healthy to brush them off.Ā
It wasnāt until a few more weeks had passed by swiftly, when I heard from Alex again, on another Saturday evening. My phone was going off, with his name on the screen.
āHey. Sorry if this was sudden, or whatever,ā he quietly speaks to me when I pick up.
āItās fine,ā I assure,Ā āI actually have been waiting to hear from you.ā
Was that too much? I feel like thatās one thing that would have been better if it only existed in my head. I was relieved to hear him find the humour in it though.
āYeah?ā I heard him chuckle on the phone,Ā āyouāve been waiting for me like Iām fuckinā Santa or some shit?ā
I laugh too and played along with his usual banter,Ā āoh, yeah. Now, do you have something for me?ā
He actually sighs and gets serious,Ā āI have like, bad news and then thereās like, amazing news.ā
Oh no. How bad are we talking about? Is it about me? Just when I thought things would go back to normal, whatever normal is.Ā I make a noise to urge him to keep going.
He sighs again,Ā āokay. Iām⦠going to have to move and leave that fuckinā amazing apartment behind, that you just saw a few weeks ago. Like, what the fuck? I get it, like life comes at you fast, but like, fuck.ā
āWhat?ā I ask him, sounding too disappointed for my own liking,Ā āyou have to? Like, this is it? Youāre getting evicted or something?āĀ
He finally laughs lowly,Ā āokay, fuck you. Iām just kidding! No, actuallyāI got this offer, hear me out, this is a big ass spoiler, but Iām getting a huge sponsorship, which means that the amount of content I have to do for them, and with them, of course, is just so much that it would be necessary for me to live there. At least for now.āĀ
He keeps on rambling about this opportunity and genuinely sounds like he couldnāt be more excited, meanwhile I donāt make a peep.
āAnd I figured to tell you now, because I know youāll be cool about it. Iāll still have work for you to do, so technically this doesnāt change anything for you, but, I mean, fuck it, why wouldnāt I do it?! Itās time for me to spread my little wings and go out there in the big world,ā he keeps going while I still remain silent.
āOh, wow, not what I expected to hear, but thatās awesome. So, whereās the bad news?ā I finally say to him, when I donāt hear his voice anymore, trying my best to conceal the lack of excitement in mine.Ā
āI know right! Those arenāt even bad news,Ā ācause like, what the fuck? Itās going to be amazing. IĀ figured I should let you know, ācause when you see me filming from somewhere else, just so you know I havenāt been kidnapped, Iām not streaming from someoneās basement. No oneās forcing me to make content.ā
Well, that got a genuine giggle out of me. I want to show my support more, but I feel a bit sad about this. I donāt know why. Why do I find it so hard to be happy for him right now?Ā
I understand that this is really something he wants to do, something thatās bringing him lost motivation back, so what else would I tell him other than āyes, itās a good ideaā? Even though it means heāll be far away in another state, God knows exactly how far, but I canāt be selfish and act all hurt when this doesnāt even affect me. But, how long will he be gone for?
āSo, when will I see you again? Not anytime soon, I assume?ā Now Iām asking the real questions here.
āI know... yeah, probably not. Shit just happens so fast, isnāt that crazy?ā
At least heās honest. I donāt know and neither does he. Thereās my answer.Ā Iām not going to lie, Iām a little upset. I guess we haveāI donāt even know how much moreātime left, and then everything will change, or not, like he assured, but I think it will all change for us. Maybe not in all the worst ways, but how often does change not hurt at first? It always does.Ā
.
That bitter feeling didnāt die, no matter how many days I tried to drown it for. Thereās still a tiny string in me holding onto the hope that heās not leaving. I know itās selfish, I hate it too. I hate how Iām doing this to myself.Ā Iām especially having one of those days today, when I feel like doing nothing, but I have to get work done. Itās just hard not to think about him when my work centers around him, like I really canāt get away.Ā
I just never thought we would run out of time. Isnāt it cruel how we only appreciate time when thereās not much of it left?
I decide to wrap up work early today. I had sat on my desk the whole morning, staring at the screen and realising that words donātĀ make sense to me, I feel like I donātĀ know what Iām doing, like this stupid editing program suddenly feels like a stranger.Ā If Iām going to do a crap job, I might as well just not do anything. The deadline isnāt until tomorrow.Ā
My mind is more occupied with things with a shorter deadline, other things I have to solve before I can immerse myself in anything else that requires complete focus, like the strange feeling I got after hearing him break the news. It shouldnāt matter to me, so why does it feel like it does?
I shut down the computer after saving the little work I got done. I need to look after myself, do the things I used to do and enjoyed doing before all this happened and he came and rocked my world and hopefully Iāll get over it, and myself.
Just out of pure curiosity, I want to know how things are going for him. Iām not trying to get my feelings hurt, but itās only been a few days, nothing too major hasnāt happened yet, right? The buzzing of my phone jerkes me back to reality. Itās Alex!
āHi!ā I balance my phone on my shoulder, as I finished patting my face dry after a very refreshing shower I just had.
I can hear him clear his throat and speak,Ā āhello. I just woke up, I know itās like, what, 1PM? Holy shit. Anyway, uh⦠what are you up to?ā
I wonder what is the reason for this call, but Iām not going to ask. Iāll happily take as much of his time as he can give me, before he gets busy with moving and his new life.
āNothing,ā I reply truthfully,Ā āI meanāIāve had kind of a slow day today. I justāIāll get back to work later, right now Iām just trying to unwind myself, I guess.ā
āOh,ā he replies,Ā āsomething on your mind?ā Oh, you have no idea.
I try to laugh it off, hoping he wonāt try to dig any deeper,Ā āhonestly, the usual. You know, life.ā
To my relief, he just laughs in response,Ā āyeah, me, if anyone, would know about that. Like, fuckātell me about it! I donāt know at this point if Iām fighting demons, or if Iām the demon.ā
We both laugh and itās so nice even for a few seconds to just laugh with him, and I hate even more what is about to happen to us.Ā
āYeah, like I donāt know who prayed for my downfall, but itās working for them.ā
He yawns,Ā āsee, you get it! I knew you would.ā Except that I donātā¦
āAnywayāyouāre probably wondering, how am I doing, so considerate of you. Being all worried and shit. I am after all just a baby. But Iām doing great! UhāIāll be busy as fuck soon, so...,ā he trails off.Ā
I hum. I know what he means by that, that he wonāt have much time for me anymore.Ā āYeah, I understand,ā I tell him, trying not to sound too sad nor too happy.Ā Just neutral, like how I wish I could actually feel about it.Ā
āYeah, so, itās a big fuckinā step, but I still think itās a step that needs to be taken, content-wise, because, after all I just want to keep getting better and bigger. I mean, there is no such thing as too big. Thatās what I tell myself every time Iāokay, Iām gonna stop myself right there.ā
He laughs at himself and I stand stunned for a while, until the joke hits me and I laugh too. And⦠it made me feel flustered. He is just something else. Thatās why I like him. As a friend!
āWhat was I saying? I donāt know, but yeah, itās happening and Iām excited. So many fuckinā great things happening. I hope the same goes for you.ā
I hum again, since I donāt trust my voice right now,Ā āthanks. I hope so too. Iām really excited for you. Donāt miss me too much while youāre gone.ā Just one lie after another.Ā
āIāll try not to. I think I should be the one saying that. You donāt miss me too much.ā
āWait, who are you again?ā
āOkay, fuck you. Bye.ā
We both break into laughter again over the ridiculous banter and hang up. Seems like things are going, and will go, well for him.
I put on a very lazy outfit, since I had no plans to go anywhere today.I had too much time on my hands, so I started overthinking again, and for the rest of the day, it was one thought after another. I wish I could see him one last time, why didnāt he ask to? I mean, I know why. Because weāre not close like that. It was a one time thing, wonāt happen again. He probably said that he wants to see me again just to avoid disappointing me and hurting my feelings. They will be hurt either way.Ā
I wonder what Alex is doing right now, 7PM on a Wednesday night. A text pops up on my phone as I'm scrolling online⦠from him?!
āHey! I have some spare time tomorrow, you wanna come over? I kinda owe it to you, but I wouldnāt mind you seeing you either. Itās a fucking mess here but Iām sorry I canāt pack neatly.ā 7:01 PM
What on Earth? It seems like for some reason we are in each otherās subconsciousness. I asked for this, but now I feel weird that this is happening. Iām getting what I want and I donāt think I will want it again.Ā I reply;
āSure! Thought youād never ask.ā 7:03 PM
I slept better that night. Who knows why.
.
The next morning I was up before the sun, bright and early. It wasnāt until the afternoon when I had promised to be at Alexās place, but I couldnāt sleep and lay still anymore. Iām itching for something to happen, something that involves him and getting to see him, possibly for the last time in a long time.
Then later in the day, it was me going downtown again in the same bus, walking over to the same building. The same elevator ride upstairs. The same long hallway. The same door that already looks like coming home. I shouldnāt get so attached anymore. No more crazy thoughts.Ā
This time I didnāt even wait around, but rang the doorbell as I pulled my earbuds out. Ironically, thereās nothing but petty, angry love songs on the radio today where someoneās leaving and someone gets hurt.Ā I feel like I have nothing to be scared or nervous about right now. If anything, my feelings should be scared of me, because Iām not going to feel anything. Whatever I felt the last time I was here, Iām over it.Ā
I heard him turning the lock and there he was, opening the door, all smiles. He looks happy. This time, though, I donāt think Iām alone the reason for it. He doesnāt surprisingly look as disheveled or tired as I imagined, either. In fact, he looks like he has been personally touched by an angel. He is, well, glowing, you could say. Every piece of him.
āHi!ā he ushers me inside, not wasting any time.
I march right inside,Ā āyouāre happy to leave.ā
He rubs his hands together,Ā ācāmon! Iām having the fuckinā time of my life! LikeāIāve had good news, cāmon on! Cut me some slack!ā Heās so excited to go. Wow.Ā
If I was him, I would feel more bittersweet, perhaps, but people like him just donāt seem to be having a hard time saying goodbye. Maybe people like him arenāt even supposed to stay too long in one place, like the world needs him as much as I do. Good for him, but sucks for me.Ā He then went off, leaving me by myself, like Iām already one with the house and know my way perfectly around.
I followed him to the kitchen, where it was boxes upon boxes. The living room didnāt look any different. The house looks swept, from what I can see so far. His setup is the only thing that looks somewhat the same, but I can tell thereās things missing, already been put away.
āWow, you really werenāt kidding, like, this is really happening,ā I say, mostly to myself.
This place looks weird and dead now that itās almost empty, like itās empty of life too.Ā
āYeah! What, are you gonna miss me and shit?ā he asks me, amused by the thought, āno sad, happy!ā
Then he quite literally places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a comforting rub, before taking off again. I donāt know if it made me feel better or worse.
āIāā
āSo,āā
We start at the same time, following by us both saying āsorryā in sync. Awkward. But hey, that got us to laugh again. Oh, how I just like laughing with him. I think itās one of my favourite sounds. God forbid, if he could read my thoughts right now.
āI was just going to ask if I ever get to see you cooking in that kitchen, like you promised?ā Way to change the subject.Ā
Alex gasps with his mouth agape,Ā āno fuckinā way! How the fuck are you one step ahead of me? I made some of it last night, wondered if you wanna have a bite with me? I mean, of course, you fuckinĀ“ do, right?!ā
He starts clapping excitedly, before I could say anything. But the answer is going to be yes, nonetheless.Ā A perfect way to waste some time with him.
In the kitchen, I already knew my seat. Itās the same one I sat on the last time I was here. It felt like personally addressed. I reach for the chair at the same time as he turns to pull it out for me as an act of chivalry. It caused us to knock into each other. Not hard enough to cause an accident, but hard enough to make us both feel embarrassed.
We laugh again, more awkward this time. That was probably the worst fake laugh Iāve ever had to do with him. I sit down and watch as he turns his back to me and takes something out of the fridge.
āThis,ā he announces,Ā āis my secret recipe, fuckinā incredible, guacamole.ā He brings it to the table and goes back to kitchen to fetch us something to enjoy it with, until sitting down with me. He tells me to dig in, while sitting back and taking off his beanie and running his fingers through his hair. God knows why it made my breath hitch.
When I finally make the move to dig in like he told me to, itās unlucky he made the same choice at the same time. Our hands touch lightly, before we both quietly apologize and pull them apart like they just had been burned.Ā
āRelax, itās all yours,ā I tease him.
āFuck you,ā he giggles, a smile creeping in, like heās glad I broke the tension.
The food was honestly pretty good.Ā I hum in enjoyment,Ā āthis is good, you were right.ā
He laughs,Ā āI told you. Get used to me being right, if you havenāt yet, itās about time. I mean, I was right about you, too.ā
Is he doing this again, getting all mysterious and sentimental about me? And he does it whenever thereās no escape for me from the conversation, too. I wonder whatās really weighing on his heart.Ā
I ask him instead,Ā āokay, what does that mean? You always do this.ā
āWell, if it wasnāt for my mastermind, you wouldnāt be here, and I wouldnāt have something here that made me thought about staying, but, you know, itās not like Iām leaving for good.ā
I was on his mind as something thatās worth staying for? Thereās not much left he can give me anymore, weāre running low on things to say or do when thereās so little time left, but he never wanted to leave without telling me that. Itās the one last high, before we flatline.Ā
āYou really think so? That Iām that special? Iām sure whatever you will find next is going to be worth it, though. Iāll be fine.ā I can only keep lying to myself for so long. Iāll be a mess.
Alex straightens himself in his seat, like heās about to say something crucial, āyouāre so fuckinā special, like I donāt know who hurt you so that you always have to question it. Like this is not the first time weāve had this conversation.ā
Heās right. But what he doesnāt know is that itās him leaving that hurts me. Maybe Iām just insecure, because I know Iām always replaceable. But maybe he doesnāt think so.Ā
He slyly continues, āwhatever it is, whoever they are⦠they donāt matter now. Donāt think about them, just think about usāor me, you know I would never judge you for how you feel. And I even told you already that you mean a lot to me, so what are you scared of anymore?ā
āIā,ā I really donāt know what to say, āI donāt mean to make this about myself, but⦠I guess I was just excited to spend more time with you and now you wonāt be here. And I know it, that I was a chapter in your life, but you have a whole book to write. So I donāt know how much space there is anymore to write about me.ā
I know better than get attached to people like him. They have the whole world to impress, Iām just one person.
āDamn, that was some deep shit. I was not fuckinā ready for that by any means, but fine. Fuck it, letās take the deep road,ā he babbles in his usual way, āitās not like the next time I see you will be awkward anyway, because, you know⦠I wonāt fuckinā see you. Iāll be long gone.ā
I pretend to gasp at the joke and play along, even though the truth behind it hurts.
āBut I agree, itās been great, but, you know, Iām just a call away. And I always, always have time for you, like Iāve already fuckinā saved you a seat in my mind, so I never forget to keep you in my thoughts. See? That was pretty good, I can get deep in shit too,ā he grins almost child-likely and nudges me as he gets up and goes on his merry way to the kitchen, cleaning up the table.Ā
He seems like heāll be fine enough, so I feel dumb to push it anymore. I just nod, even against my own will and avert my gaze. Maybe I should stop acting so ungrateful, I still get to keep my job and itāll almost like force him to talk to me once in a while. Itās not the end of my world. Maybe.
We talk more, this time with me trying to act reasonable. He seems to like and laugh at everything I say. I try my best too to keep a smile on my face and tell him,Ā āIām sure itāll be fine and we both make it. Iāll be here rooting for you, king.ā
āThank you so much, thank you. It really means a lot coming from you. Iām glad you seem to feel better.ā
Yeah. Surely, Iāll be fine⦠Iāll fake it if I canāt make it. As heās cleaning up, he tells me I can feel at home and get some water from the fridge if I want to.Ā Well, I eventually figured I should make myself useful and walked up to the fridge in unbreakable strides.Ā
He seemed to be finished with the dishes and stepped to his right where I was, and our bodies had another collision, I think this being the worst one yet. Like weāre used to it already and know the route out of the awkwardness, we just laugh it off. I donāt understand what the universe is trying to tell me to do right now, because it seems like every move I decide for myself to make is wrong.Ā
And there comes that weird tension again. I hope he doesnāt think Iām trying to try something here. I would never. But he seems more than fine, and definitely not like heās internally cursing my name, as he is casually standing there next to me, making these ridiculous expressions and sounds in result of a brain freeze, since the water was pretty much ice cold. It made us both laugh and smile like nothing had happened.
What do we do now? Is this it? I thought as I soon announce that I should leave, before anything else can happen. I make quick work on putting my jacket on and tying my shoelaces, reaching for the door just as he does, and there I find myself bumping right into his side again.Ā
I suddenly feel the urgent need for the floor to swallow me whole, but since thatās not happening, running out the door seems very tempting. I canāt handle another one of these accidents. Iām so embarrassed. Not the kind of ending I imagined for our story, but I guess itās better than drowning in tears. Maybe I have a chance in surviving losing him, if this is how I feel.
āSorry for whatever that was,ā I apologize again, God knows for how manyth time today.
He just timidly laughs, not as loudly and lively as he usually does, but it was still a laugh,Ā āitās okay, you know, it takes two to⦠fuck up, something like that, right?ā
I laugh too now,Ā āthatās true.ā
Now we are just standing in the doorway, thinking whoās going to be the first to say goodbye. And I didnāt find it in me to just run out and leave without it. To my luck, he breaks the moment of silence,Ā āso, uhā¦. I wanna tell you that Iāll see you soon, but Iām actually not sure when Iāll be able to do that. SoāI know you understand, right?ā
I do. I understand what is happening. Itās almost like itās finally sinking in that this is it. I donāt know what the future holds. Will I see him again?Ā
āI donāt want to make any promises, but⦠Iāll see you at last whenever Iām back, whenever that will be. Iāll talk to you about the new work schedule too, when itās more topical,ā he rants. Yep, at least I get to keep my job.Ā
I just nod sympathetically,Ā āI understand. Good luck with everything, honestly. Iāll see you someday and in the meantime, we can always talk on the phone.ā I feel the need to still remind him that just because heās not here, doesnāt mean Iām not waiting to hear from him every day.Ā
āOf course,ā he smiles genuinely, so wide that it reaches his eyes, which makes me want to take his word for it.
He then pulls me into a lingering hug, which surprised us both, how there was no hesitation this time to be so close to each other. Sure, my time with him has been short-lived, but it has meant something. Every second mattered and in a matter of seconds time will be irrelevant. Oh, how life goes.
He pats my back, which felt both like a curse and a blessing. It felt too nice to not happen again in a long, long time. Why couldnāt I feel this way when there was still time?Ā
When he next stares at me from under his long lashes with an unreadable expression on his face, like heās trying hard to memorize something, I make the move to leave before I fall any deeper into the despair.
It takes a second for him to realise it and to follow me, and now he leans against the doorway, as if he needs something else to cling on to now that Iām out of his reach.
āGo on then, little superstar,ā I giggle,Ā āI wonāt forget you. Which would be impossible, anyway.ā
He starts grinning again, and before he can get too ahead of things and himself, I roll my eyes, āIām trying to be nice here.ā
He gets serious and gives me a more gloomy look before turning it into a smile to almost prevent any emotions spilling, āI know, I know, sorry. Me neither. Trust me.āĀ Trust. Thatās what I need, to trust him and let the rest roll off my shoulders.
Soon after we say the final farewells and I watch and hear the door click close for the last time and he is out of my sight for also possibly the last time, at least for a long while.Ā Call me selfish, or a bad person, all of it, but thereās no way heās actually leaving. I donāt want him to. Thereās no way after all that sunshine, itās now raining this hard. When it rains, it really pours.
Quite literally, indeed, because when I stepped out of the building, it was raining. Ironic. I put my hood on and made my way quickly to the bus stop, staring at the black screen of my phone like any second now heās going to tell me something, something along the lines of like he has changed his mind. I wiped the raindrops off the screen, they reminded me of teardrops. For some strange reason, I donāt feel like crying at all.
I was already cursing the bus, the bus route, the bus stop. Everything here is going to remind me of him. I can never come back here, unless itās with him. Thereās no way Iām in this deep already, but I am. And thereās no bottom or no one to hold me up this time, Iāll just keep sinking.Ā
.
The next morning, and the next one, and the next one my immediate thought was Alex, not to anyoneās surprise. The thought of his existence didnāt get me so high as it used to do, since he will now exist so far from me. Just when everything started falling into place. I had already let myself forget the day heās leaving. Was it yesterday or today, or tomorrow? Or maybe itās better if I donāt know and will let him leave quietly. So quietly, that the sound of it doesnāt make me flinch.Ā
I figure I canāt just lay down here in my bed the entirety of my existence or Alex being gone, I have to get back to work and back to, well, what life was like before there was him. But what was my life like without him? Iām not sure I can recall it.Ā
I realise I could do anything I ever want, but Iām stuck here and thereās a void in me that looks like him. I feel like Iām supposed to just sit on my hands, what else would I do? Later that night I throw myself on the bed again, ready to waste time scrolling through my phone, maybe watch some TV.
I open Twitter and wait as it loads new content for me to see. So, what do I do on Twitter? I do follow Alex, and I see that he hasnāt posted anything new. I also do follow people I find interesting, a few friends, people who have the same music taste and interests as me. I havenāt caught up with the timeline since last night.
The further I scroll, the more I see concerning headlines of news. What the hell is this?
Whatās going on? It says just a few states have been put on high alert, the one Iām in is not included, at least for now. We still get to go about our lives here.Ā I feel my heart sink, thinking about going back to square one. I donāt think we as society can take another one of those.Ā I see it before my very eyes how the news are spreading like wildfire. Everyone is talking about it. Itās all I see and I think itās all I will see even in my sleep tonight.Ā
I read until the words didnāt make any sense to me anymore, they were just words of confirming what we all fear. They just made me sick.Ā As the night fell on me, I know I wasnāt the only one in the world who laid wide awake that night. Whatās going to happen?
So much for summer plans and so much for possibly visiting Alex or him visiting me. Shit. I just realised what this means for us. Itās the state where he went thatās one of the few mentioned to be prepared to shut down. If only he had never left.Ā
.
I couldnāt take it anymore. Itās now been more than a few days since I had last seen and heard from Alex, too long when heās all I think about. I want to know more, ask him how he is. Iām also a little worried, like how he had joked I would be, but now I really am. The world is suddenly not ours to take anymore, so I guess I have a valid reason to be. I text him;
āHow is everything?ā 1:24 PM
A completely harmless, friendly question. It doesnāt give away too much and he can write me back whenever he finds the time to.Ā
Instead of doing so, he almost right away was calling me. Even a bigger bargain: I get to hear his voice again!
I picked up the phone expecting him to be in a frantic, excited hassle, but he was calm, it was almost too quiet on his end for someone whoās doing as much as he is. Actually, he didnāt seem to be in a rush at all and definitely didnāt sound as excited as he had the other day. I can only assume heās tired, thatās the only logic that makes some sense.
āHey,ā wow, he does sound worn-out.
āHey. I bet youāre tired, so you didnāt have to call me. I just wanted to know that⦠how are things in wherever you are?ā
āNo, of course I want to talk,ā he assures,Ā āIāmāsomething happened. Iām sure youāve seen the news. Itās fuckinā crazy out there.ā
It hits me again. The news that feels like the end of the world all over again. I feel for him. Is he now possibly stuck in another state for longer than he anticipates?Ā
I sigh,Ā āyeah. I was hoping it wonāt mess with you too much?ā
āIām just as fuckinā caught off guard as you, but⦠I really canāt go. Itās too bad out there where I was supposed to go to that I canāt go, I canāt risk it. And I donāt want to seem like an ignorant asshole and just take off.ā
āWhat?ā I stutter,Ā āI mean, it makes sense, but you meanāwhere are you right now?ā
He lets out a little sad laugh,Ā āIām still here, in this great apartment of mine, in the middle of all these boxes and all of my shit is packed up, all of it. And now Iām not even going. Think about it.ā
He is still here? He never even left? Or more like, he didnāt have the time to leave?Ā He continues before I could get a word in,Ā āI mean, fuck it, I still might as well fuckinā move to the next block in the spite of having to pack and unpack everything.āĀ
That made us laugh amidst all of the chaos. I feel bad for him, but itās a funny thought.Ā But, back to the real topic, he is not leaving after all?Ā What is this universe up to? Did I manifest this unfortunate and unexpected turn of events? Iām starting to feel like I did.
āSo, stupid question, I know, but how are you? You never got to leave? I thought for sure you were already gone,ā I ask,Ā āsorry, this must be so shitty, I canāt even imagine, and you probably donāt want to answer my stupid questions right now.ā
āNo, no! I do want to talk, more than ever. I was supposed to leave the day after I last saw you and then all of this kind of happened overnight.Ā I donāt knowāIām just thinking about all the things and shit I donāt get to do now.ā
He was so excited just for everything to be called off right before the kick off.Ā I pity him. Iām not exactly sure how to comfort him in times like this, how to say the right things. What even are the right things to say? I know I wanted him to stay, but I never wanted it to happen like this, in a way that drains him of all of his contagious joy.
We talked a long while. Or more like, I let him talk and didnāt wait for my turn to talk. I listened with curiosity and empathy, for as long as he needed. I didnāt fill in the silences, just listened. The last thing he says to me on the phone before we hang up, comes as a total surprise,Ā āheyāyou wanna come over?ā
.Ā
And so it went, there I was again taking the same bus downtown to him.Ā I never saw this coming. This looks like a film everyone would love to act in, where the one never gets away, but this is real life. I donāt know how to direct it yet, but I will keep looking for the answers for why this is happening and why he keeps always coming back to me, sometimes even against his own will.
Of course I said yes, when he asked me to come over.Ā
By the time I rode the elevator, I was fuzzy in the head. This was not supposed to happen. I wasnāt supposed to come here again, not after we said those goodbyes not even a week ago.
I walked up to his door, and as by some instinct, he opened it before I could even knock. I did a double take, I couldnāt believe my eyes.Ā I mean, itās him, but... he looks great. Happier, for some reason, even when thereās not much to be happy about, or so I thought. I wonder who made him like that. Whoever it is, consider them lucky. I donāt think Iāve ever seen him look so serene and beautiful like he does in this light.Ā
āHi!ā he lets me in,Ā āalright, letās just forget about the fuckinā dramatic goodbyes that we had and pretend none of that shit happened.ā
He then giggles at his own recollections, so did I. How many times you get this lucky when there is no bye in goodbye? I also still donāt know what is keeping the smile on his face right now. If there is sadness in there, heās not showing it.
āYeah, this is pretty fucked. Not to make things about me, but I thought I would like never see you again. Like youāre gonna start a whole new life without me.ā
He shakes his head, ānot this time. And I meanāI still wanna keep you, Iām not just gonna fuckinā let you go, no matter what happens. Youāre stuck with me, pal.ā
āYeah, literally. You couldnāt get too far even if you tried.ā I wonder if he will ever make it out of here. Right now, everything feels impossible. None of us will get out anytime soon.
āYeah, see?ā he grins.
I see some of the boxes in his house are still up, some of them opened and unloaded, as if something necessary has been taken out of them. He follows my gaze and laughs nervously,Ā āyeah, I know, itās a fuckinā mess here. Andāitās just that all of these news are fuckinā with my head, you know? You feel it too?ā
I nod. Itās not bad at all where we are, but what if it gets bad here? The only rule is that we canāt exit the state, but thatās already enough to mess up peopleās plans. Like his. Itās all ruined for him.
We talk about these arising fears as he guides us to the kitchen and motions me to take a seat. I smile at his thoughtfulness and sit down. He sits across from me, bringing some snacks on the table.
As I secretly watch him there in the brief silence that occurs when we chew on the snacks, I feel the same old familiar excitement to see him and to be here with him. Like I want to fight all the odds that prevents keeping me right here forever. He makes me feel excited about life, especially when we have more promised time now. Thatās the closest my words will get to the feeling I canāt explain.
And, he looks... great. Brand new. Attractive, even some would say. Not me, of course⦠I clear my throat, hoping heās not catching on to me, āso, you called me here, because⦠you wanted to talk?ā
āYeah, pretty much. I just needed to know that⦠I still have you. Like no matter what shit goes wrong, Iāll always have you here. Especially now, when being alone is the last thing I want. I canāt even see my friends from other states or from home, in case shit gets worse, but youāre always here, right?āĀ he rambles.
Iām still too a bit freaked out that I now have him here, right here where I wanted him all along, I suddenly donāt seem to know or remember what I always wanted to tell him. I think he just beat me to it. I think we really need each other, especially at times like this when loneliness is almost bound to happen.
āYeah, of course. As selfish as this sounds⦠Iām glad youāre still here. I donāt think I was ready to say goodbye just yet,ā I didnāt know what else to say to his emotional outburst other than answering with the same concerns. If honesty is what he wants and needs to hear, then so be it.Ā
āI knew it. I knew youāre happy I never leftā, he tries to suppress his usual grin and raises a brow challengingly at me, āyou need me.ā
I roll my eyes, āwhat? Thatās all you decided to take from that?ā
We both laugh at the banter, like we always used to do. Iām glad we are able to pick up right where we left off. Itās like nothing ever happened. Even though I think we are getting a little sidetracked here.Ā
He adjusts himself in the chair and leans back, crossing his arms as if to appear more intimidating, āwhat can I say? I have a selective hearing, you tell me you need me and Iām fuckinā all ears, just like that.ā
āIāokay. I didnāt say I need you, Iām just happy youāre still here. I know, itās probably weird for me to say thisāā
At this point I felt like I was squirming in my seat under his gaze. Why is he doing this, almost obsessed with the idea of me needing him?
āHey, no. Iām sorry if I went too far joking about it and making you feel like itās weird. Itās not. I feel very⦠fuckinā happy you think so highly of me.ā
We talk more, and I learn that the news of the possible COVID-19 outbreak, even if itās not happening here, has really messed with him and I understand a little better why he is being like this. No one wants to feel isolated and alone and he seems to be holding onto me now more than ever. I understand him, but it will change us. For worse or for better, nobody knows.
āAnything else before I go?ā
āActually, yeah. I have a few friends pop over in a few days. You should come too,ā he tells me like itās nothing and like he has already made up my mind for me.
āOh?ā I ask with genuine surprise,Ā āare you sure? Do you really thinks itās a good idea for me to meet them?ā
āOf course! I think itād be fuckinā awesome! Theyāve been in the city for a few days now, theyāre not coming from another state, so itās all good, all safe.ā
āOkay.ā
He grins happily,Ā āgreat!ā
What am I getting myself into here? I need to think things through when I get home. He walks me to the door not soon after that. I thought to open the door and walk myself out, but he had the same thought to open it for me, causing us to collide with each other again. This is such a deja vu, but I didnāt remember how awkward it exactly is.
āYeah, thatās it. Iāll stop being a gentleman right at this fuckinā second,ā he laughs. I laugh too, because as awkward as it is, he makes it funny.
āOkay, Iām gonna go now, before you jump at me again,ā I finally make the move to leave.Ā
āUhāexcuse me!ā he yells after me,Ā āit takes two! It takes two, pal!ā
I keep backing away until Iām so far from him, that we pretty much have to yell to make ourselves heard in this hallway, before waving him goodbye. I made some quick strides to the elevator, it was waiting for me on the same floor as if to rescue me. What is he doing to me and why is it working? And why do I kind of like it?
.
So, how do I actually feel about Alex inviting me over with his friends there? The thought of it seemed to excite him greatly, but I, on the other hand, am not sure if I can reciprocate his feelings. I do like hanging out with him doing nothing, but when you throw other people in the mix, will it just blow up in our faces? Am I just ruining things to make myself miserable at this point?
I so want to text my friend at times like this, even though Iām highly aware they would force me to go and socialize, but I figure this is something I just have to decide myself and for myself. Some would say this is out of my comfort zone, but what else would I find comfort in if not being around him? How bad could it be there?
My phone makes a sound. Thereās really only one person who would have a reason to text me right now. Itās time to make up my mind, I guess.
I was right, it was Alex,Ā
āSooo you coming tonight? I hope?ā 4:35 PM
Fortunately for him, I donāt think I have it in me to tell him no. Not when he sounds like this, like he needs me. Like itās up to me to make or break his night. Itās a lot of pressure to be this important to someone like him.
For now, I reply,
āYeah, Iāll be there!ā 4:39 PM
Itās as if he knows me inside out again and that Iām still questioning my choice, because he doesnāt leave it there, but says,
āAwesome, I was already thinking youād bail on me.ā 4:40 PM
Thatās awkward.Ā
āNever.ā 4:40 PM
Guess Iām going.Ā
.
I popped by a liquor store on my way to his before I hopped on the bus. Iām not usually the one to drink, especially on the first meeting, but I think I need some liquid courage, because I will decay before I can meet those new people if I think about it too hard. Have I already made it obvious that Iām a nervous wreck? Itās already an accident scene in my mind. When I finally arrive at his door, I could already hear the voices of many that Iām not familiar with. Itās still not too late to back out, but I wonāt. I didnāt come this far just to come this far.
I knock on the door, and then it opens, revealing Alex behind it, smiling at me radiantly as ever. The smile that I think makes this all worth it.Ā
He seems to be already having fun with his friends, so itās still unclear to me why he wanted me here to shuffle the pack. I put on a happy face and my best foot forward, greeting him with the same enthusiasm. Faking it until I make it.
āIām so glad youāre here!ā he was grinning, like he was proud to have lured me here.
āOf course! Always up for a challenge.ā
āHey, everyoneās gonna like you, as much as I do. You donāt ever have to worry about that,ā he pouts.Ā
I wonder what caused him to say that. What is suddenly so likeable about me and how can he sound so sure of everything?
I step in the living room and see three other people that are still strangers to me. So thatās not too bad, I can tackle three. And perhaps Alex was right, if he invited me here it must mean thereās something he sees in me that everyone else will too. It was when I found my seat that they started talking and then it was my job to keep up.
āHi! Iām Karl!ā a brunette opposite me spoke and gave me a little wave.Ā
āPunz,ā the person next to him raised his hand as a greeting and popped snacks into his mouth.
āOh! Iām Foolish!ā the last person speaks and laughs lightly.
I wonder what happens next and how much they already know, or more like, what has Alex told them about me. Well, I was nevertheless about to tell them something that I hoped to be interesting enough, but got cut off by Punz as he waves me off and gestures to bottles on the table,Ā āoh, we know who you are. Here, have oneāoh, you brought your own drinks, nice.ā
Oh, now I really am curious what have they heard from Alex. If itās anything like what he told me at the door, I have a lot of expectations to meet. Iām totally cool about it, as cool as the drink I crack open and take a sip of. Bless them for initiating small talk while we wait for something to happen, since we are still the guests here.
Speaking of Alex, where the hell did he go? I havenāt seen him ever since he let me in and told me I donāt have to worry about a thing. Well, now I am worrying a bit, am I the only one who feels bothered by his absence?Ā
āYo, where the hell did he go?ā Karl asks everyone at the table.
So, it seems Iām not.
We all look around ourselves but he was nowhere to be seen. As if he planned this all along, leaving me alone with his friends so we have no other choice but to gather around and talk to each other. It would have happened even without his shenanigans, so I donāt understand why this was necessary, if that is the case.
We couldnāt help, but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Karl hid his smile with his sleeves and slapped the armrest,Ā āhe really said hi and bye. Can you believe him?ā
He shakes his head disapprovingly. Punz seems fixated on the snacks he is still eating, good for him. Foolish was laughing too, like this was the main entertainment. I feel anything but entertained, I forgot to expect the unexpected whenever I am with Alex. You never know with him. I just sat there and drank my drink.
āSo, what do you guys wanna do? Since itās just us,ā Foolish asks and wiggles his eyebrows, leaning forward to rest his hands on his knees, balancing the neck of a bottle on his fingertips.
I donāt want them to change their plans for me or to stop doing what they were doing before I got here, but obviously, true to my nature, I donāt dare to tell them that. My head is playing tricks on me, making me think thereās still a reason to keep my guard up and shy away.
Karl looks like heās going to say something, like a brilliant idea washed over him, but then just asks me, āyou two seem like youāre pretty close. Are you?āĀ
My jaw slacks open in surprise. I assume heās talking about me and Alex. What do I even say to that?Ā
āYeah, I think soāā
āReally? What do you like about him?ā Karl bombards me with more questions, āahem, as friends, of course.ā
What is this about? What are my answers being used for?Ā
Iām confused, but answer, āuhāeverything?ā
I donāt really know what to say and I acknowledge that Alex could come back any second and I donāt exactly want to be caught talking like this.Ā
Karl tucks his lips into a tight-lipped smile, āwell, if that aināt the cutest thing. I asked him the same thing and he told me pretty much the same about you. Do whatever you want with that information.ā
Itās now my turn to ask him, āreally?ā
He said that?
Karl just smiles again and yells out to Alex, wherever he is,Ā āin case you forgot, you still have guests over and we would like to do something here, with or without you!ā
Okay, so that conversation is over and Iām left drawing the conclusions and connecting the dots myself. It looks like a messy map of undecided feelings and missing truths. Did he really mean it, and if, why?
We all dissolve into laughter when Alex finally comes out of hiding and yells,Ā āokay, asshole! Some of us has to look good tonight.ā
Not too much had changed about him that would explain why he was gone for so long. Well, he had changed his outfit and from what I can tell, maybe fluffed his hair a bit, but I donāt see why that is necessary. He can do whatever he wants in his house, I guess. Not that I mind what he looks like, I myself am very casual and so are the other guests.
āSo,ā he claps his hands together and sits down next to me, not taking his eyes off me,Ā āyou okay?āĀ
I nod. He has no reason to worry about me so much, but I appreciate his heartfelt care. Itās a two-way street, I acknowledge I would do the same. It causes a grin to break out on his face,Ā āgreat! So, should we play something? Jackbox?ā
We did that. I was sitting there on the couch, with my legs pulled up to my chest, curling away, watching the game play on, downing my drink.Ā
Somewhere along the night, he was resting his arm on the back of my seat. I didnāt think much of it, until I felt his fingers toy with my hair. Does he even realise heās doing it?Ā I let it go and let him do his thing. Itās new for the both of us, a touch thatās so gentle and light as a feather itās almost make-believe, but it feels nice and real. Itās making me want to stay here longer.
The game went on, we didnāt get through a round without laughter and genuine fun. I donāt know what happened to me about halfway through the night, I drank like never before. It occurred to me that itās a receipt for disaster, but Iām way past thinking straight anymore. We just had a bit too much fun, or I did. Like I said, I never take things this far, but the rules slipped my mind tonight.
Foolish stretches with a strained cry and we all contagiously yawn as we wrap up the game for the night.
Alex mumbles next to me,Ā ādid you guys know thereās a fuckinā fancy pool downstairs? I think itās closed now and probably has restrictions and shit anywayāā
āWhy tell us about it then?ā Punz asks.
Karl was giggling again,Ā āand who asked? We get it, youāre rich and we canāt go thereāā
āNo!ā Alex defended his case,Ā āI justāthat wouldāve been cool.ā
It wouldāve. Iād like to see the pool. Maybe someday.Ā
Karl hums,Ā āhm, did you want to look at the stars with me and kiss me under the moonlight?ā
We all laugh again and watch Alex throw a cushion at him.
Everyone soon scattered around the house to take bathroom breaks and such. As I attempt to hoist myself up, I definitely feel more drunk than I had intended to be tonight. I give up and sit back and hug my knees again, hoping this will pass. Alex gets up too to clean up the empty bottles on the table and floor. Iām scared Iām going to make a mess that wonāt be so easy to clean up.Ā
Iām mentally cursing everything and myself, mostly myself for crossing the line, and how awkward it is sitting here alone. I want to get up and make things better, but before I know what is happening, I find myself falling to the ground. Thereās no way to really say how I feel other than that I feel like Iām on a merry-go-round that doesnāt stop for anyone. Itās making my stomach churn and head spin. Everything is spinning, until I crash and hit the ground, or whatever I fell onto.
Iām listening but donāt hear anything, thinking itās the alcohol messing with my head, until I realise thereās no sound.Ā Itās a pin-drop silence. Weāre almost frozen in time, right in this moment.
Alex finally fills the silence and speaks to me, holding onto me,Ā āare you okay? Should Iātell me what can I do for you?ā
Did heā¦. catch me? I mean, he must have, because Iām not shattered on the floor right now, but instead it was a very delicate fall. It didnāt even feel like falling, but the proof that I did is right there when I open my eyes that brings me a distorted vision of the floor.
āItās probably just the alcohol, you know. We should get them water,ā I hear someone else speak for me.
I then hear sounds from the kitchen, until itās silent again, anticipating.Ā
āHere,ā Alex advised me,Ā ādrink this.ā
I felt a glass tilted against my lips and gulped down some water, and prayed this will all pass. This is such a nightmare, and I donāt even know whoās the villain here. I didnāt even drink that much, or did I?
Alex shakes me a little to get my focus,Ā ādo you feel sick? Just nod or shake your head.ā
He kneels by my side and lays a warm hand on my shoulder, rocking me a little. Thatās one thing Iām painfully aware of right now, how close we are. I hesitate to let him get any closer to me, in case this turns into an awkward memory. I mean, itās already embarrassing enough as it is, I just donāt need him to touch me in ways he will later regret.Ā
He seems to notice my upset state and lifts my head to rest on his knees for a little comfort and holds me a little closer. This way, I can feel his every move, almost even every breath he takes. It oddly helps me, trying to synchronise our breathing, reminding myself that I can live through this.
I shake my head weakly, too weak to speak. Thankfully, he understands. I can see it in his terror-stricken eyes. Is he scared for?Ā
āSo, thatās a no. Would it be okay to move you onto the couch?ā
I nod, giving him the green light. Iām still here, pathetically lying on the floor like a wounded animal and no one knows whatās the right thing to do.
Alex nods back at me, āokay. Is this a stupid question if I ask if you can stand up? Even just for a few sāā
āOh my God,ā Punz groans,Ā āyeah, no offence at all, but thatās a stupid question. I mean, look at them.ā
Yeah, look at me... I know thereās no judgment there behind his words, it sounds almost pitiful, the way he talks about me. He sounds like someone who wants the best for me.Ā
āOkay,ā Alex panics,Ā āsorry. Is itādo you want me to carry you?ā
Like heās asking permission from me before daring to move me or touch me in a new way. Iām not in a good headspace to think, but that was kind of adorable of him. I nod, before I feel overtaken by nausea again. I can feel it in my guts, literally.Ā
I can make out Alex again hovering somewhere over me as he witnesses the colour draining from my face and my eyes drooping, like thereās something Iām trying to fight against. He seems to get the hint when I gesture him that I donāt feel good and then thereās four voices again frantically talking over each other about what to do with me.
āAre youāokay, okay. Should we go to the bathroom?!ā Alexās freaking out. Poor him.
Meanwhile I think I officially have the worst taste in making decisions. Iām in last place in learning lessons. This should have never happened. It doesnāt matter anymore, but I know better.Ā
āYes!ā Punz steps in,Ā ātake them!ā
Those are the last words I can hear before I feel like silently Iām blacking out and spiralling into darkness.
.Ā
The next time I gain some sort of consciousness is when someone is talking and gently caressing me. Iām on the floor again, and that floor is cold, which feels nice on my hot skin. I donāt know where I am now, or who is with me, but my head is too heavy to ask myself those questions. I want to lay here for a second and just catch my breath, before I catch myself triggering another wave of nausea.
I feel someone leave my side for a minute, before they come back and drape something warm over me, as I lie still, too sick to utter a word. And so there were no further words spoken, until they squeeze me tight and whisper,Ā āare you okay? Please, for the love of fuckinā everything, tell me youāre okay.ā
Assuming they are talking to me, I nod. Iām getting there, Iām going to be fine. I think.
āOh, thank God,ā they whisper back, keeping their voice low, ātell me if you need anything and Iāll deal with it.ā
I really need my bed. No more words are needed when they say everything with their touch, rubbing their fingers comfortingly against my skin where they are holding my arm. I take a sharp breath as I feel my stomach twist and turn again very unpleasantly and pray they donāt hear it, but they do.
āItās okay,ā they murmur quietly again, āis it okay that Iām here with you?ā
I nod again.Ā
I lost all track of time and place as I laid there in the silence. The silence seemed to be fulfilling enough for the person with me too, like keeping me company was the main reason they are here. By the way, I have no idea how long me and they have been here, wherever we are, but they never rush me. It never happens, no matter how many minutes of this night we are wasting.
Then it comes to the point of intoxication when I feel very swept up in emotions, like I had burned like a birthday candle that burns for joy, but now Iām burning out. I donāt even flinch when tears prickle my eyes and I start sniffling, as dramatic as it is. I really try to contain it, but my body doesnāt listen and wants to stir the pot and make me more of a mess. So I have no fight in me.
The person next to me doesnāt seem to mind as they lean down to fully capture me, their body radiating warmth against mine and hands urgently pressing wherever they could and stroking my back. Still no words said, but letting the actions speak. I know itās not the right time or place for this, but whenās the last time someone has held me like this or would love this version of me? They keep me there tightly in place, tucked against their chest, giving my frame a few easing squeezes to tell me to take my time.Ā
When they pull away, I whine in the loss of comfort they once brought.Ā
āOne more hug?ā they ask me. As soon as I nod, we are back to cuddling there on the floor. It must not be so comfortable for them, but they put up with it, for me.
Iām startled to the core when I hear a door opening to the room weāre in, and a voice, āthe carās here. Ready whenever you are.ā
That sounds a lot like one of Alexās friends I met tonight.
The someone whoās still lying by my side tells them, āokay, great. Uhāweāll be right out, okay?ā
That sounds a lot like Alex.Ā
Wait, so Iām still at Alexās place, in his bathroom, and everyone is still here? Iām embarrassed. Cheers to the night I wish to forget. The only memory I wish to revisit tomorrow is Alex and his tendency to closely watch over me. He did more than what was enough and showed me something about him I havenāt seen before. I like the new highs he took me to, but Iām not going to like the come-down tomorrow.
I jolt somewhat awake when Iām being helped to stand up and then walked downstairs and put in the awaiting car. This ride is not going to be nice with an upset stomach like mine. I donāt have to worry about that for too long though, when I close my eyes and then Iām out like lights.
.
I wake up to sunlight peaking through the window, shining on my face. I donāt know anything, but I do know that I feel like hell, at least emotionally. My mouth is dry as ever and my body feels icky. Itās uncomfortable to a point, that I wish I could step out of my current skin and put on a clean, nice one that doesnāt hurt. Iām happy to make the observation that Iām in my bed and that I made it home last night, or, well, I must have made the absolute walk of shame home last night.
I donāt know how long I have laid here like the dead, it doesnāt feel that long at all since I was sick at Alexās. Speaking of him, how will I ever speak to him again without wanting to die of embarrassment? I didnāt have much time to think about it, when my thoughts were diverted to something else; Iām wearing more clothes than I did when I left. Iām talking about the soft hoodie I still have draped over me, Alexās hoodie that he lent me for comfort. Awkward. Itās so bad I wonder if it will ever get good again.
Iām scared to check my phone, I really donāt want to know or see anything right now that would make me feel worse, but I still check it. The time on the screen tells me that itās 11:45 AM and that my friend had texted me not so long ago;
āCome to my place today! Weāre having a partyyyy. I know you love those ;)ā 11:34 AM
Right, itās Saturday, of course they are having one. When it comes to this party and my invitation, I canāt even look at alcohol right now, not after the night I had. Itās the last thing I need to expose myself to and itās almost inevitable.
No text from Alex, nothing. A part of me wishes to see him, to apologize and give back his hoodie, but I donāt know what he thinks of me anymore. I know it would be better to make the big step forward and own up to it, but I was so out of line last night that Iām honestly terrified to talk to him right now. He probably resents me. I do too, itās almost inspiring. I might be weak and unstable, but at least Iām trying. He and what we have, it means too much to let it fall apart.
I went back to bed and texted my friend back, telling them about last night. Not all of it, but enough for them to know I feel vulnerable and psychically Iām not doing much better.
While I lay there in the silence I created, I let the memories from last night creep back, or the ones I can remember. The tender touches from him, the whispers that were all for me. The hold he had of me, like I was the only thing he wanted to touch. I have forgotten to miss his touch already when thereās still a mess I have yet to clean up and this time he wonāt help me. He hadnāt signed up for taking care of me, but he still did and followed through like it was a contract. God, how will I ever make it up to him?Ā
So, tonightās party. I think I feel fine enough to go as long as I stay away from the drinks, stay there for an hour or two just to say hello to my friend, and then come straight back home and continue rotting in bed. Itās settled then.
I take a long, refreshing shower which soothes some part of me, but I still have this shame that doesnāt come off in the wash. Thatās not how life works, unfortunately.
As Iām picking out an outfit, my phone pings to notify me of a text from Alex. Shit. Iām terrified to see what he has to say, but I know I have to take on my biggest enemy right now; the consequences of my actions. I donāt want to leave him hanging right now, so I read it immediately.Ā
āAre you okay???ā 1:34 PM
Thatās all his text says.
Well, I have this shame in me thatās eating me alive, but other than that, I feel okay, I guess. This is why I sometimes hate texting, not being able to read people. I canāt tell if heās mad or worried, or somewhere in between, and I donāt know how I deserve to be perceived right now.
āIām okay, but so embarrassed Iām not even sure I can talk right now, but I know we need to.ā 1:36 PM
He mustāve been waiting to hear from me, because it didnāt take him long to respond;
āNo, itās fine. Seriously donāt worry. Iām just glad youāre okay. It was an honour to take care of you ;)ā 1:36 PM
Why would he say that? I canāt remember what I have done and am not sure if I want to know. And when it comes to him reassuring me this is fine, I want to tell him itās not and that he has every right to be frustrated, but I donāt exactly want to go against what he is saying to me and argue. How will I win if I donāt want to fight?
āStop, this is so embarrassing. Canāt wait to never be invited again.ā 1:37 PM
I fairly wouldnāt be shocked if last night was my last night at his place. His lack of irritation and ability to brush things off has so far been surprising. I wonder if he really is okay and what is he doing today. Is he thinking about me, us, and what to do with me? He is not going to fire me over this, is he?
He replied shortly;
āCanāt wait to invite you again ;) What are you doing today?ā 1:39 PM
Just like that, he read my mind.Ā
āIām actually going to a friendās place, thereās a party BUT I am NOT drinking! Just wanna say hi and then bounce. Believe me, alcohol is the last thing I want right now. What are you doing?ā 1:41 PM
I feel stupid now that I said it out loud, that Iām attending another party after last night. He must think Iām insane, if he already doesnāt.Ā
My phone pings again to alert another text from him;
āOh nice, donāt drink, Iām not there to save you ;) Doing nothing.ā 1:44 PM
Iām just going to ignore those winky faces he keeps sending me and how they make me feel. Just when I thought things couldnāt get more weird between us, they do. I type;
āThis is as embarrassing for me as it gets, but I still have your hoodie. Tell me when to return it!ā 1:46 PM
āOh, itās no problem. Think you need it more than me ;)ā 1:47 PM
He is acting like heās the one out of his mind right now. Did we both get up on the wrong side of the world this morning and fell into some alternate universe where nothing feels real or makes sense?Ā
I donāt know what came over me next when I typed before I could think;
āYou wanna come with me to the party? I think we really need to talk.ā 1:50 PM
I was terrified to check my phone when it had been a few minutes, and even more when I saw no reply from him. Why did I have to go and do that? Havenāt I been enough trouble for him already? I really need to think more and do less. Or, even better, I could have at least waited until Monday, when heās going to text me anyway about work and the schedule for the week. Itās really not easy being me right now when I canāt stop screwing up and upsetting people, it seems like.
Next time I checked, he actually had replied;
āNeedy smh, but what wouldnāt I do to see you ;) Tell me where and when.ā 2:01 PM
He just said yes, as in I will see him very, very soon? This was an unexpected turn of events and I donāt know if we are heading for a dead-end here. I havenāt been this scared in a long time. This is what I wanted, but I think I underestimated myself.
I also made sure to text my friend and keep them in the loop, telling them I will be bringing him with me. Iām only doing this because I will not let him settle for anything less than a proper sorry. But sorry is just a word and not so simple, so what he decides to do with my apology, itās up to him.
.
I got to the party before Alex did, which was lucky, because it meant I could have some time with my friend before he arrives. I know itās not all fun and games when he gets here since we still need to talk about⦠well, last night and Iām not sure what kind of a conversation that will be. It ifĀ doesnāt kill me, it probably will make me wish it had. Will we work or hurt?
I soon spot my friend in the crowded living room that had been turned into a dance floor for the night. The reek of alcohol and the sight of it is enough to make my stomach turn. Iām never drinking again. I push myself through the crowd and tap my friend on the shoulder. They turn around, their eyes lighting up as they see me there.
āDo you wantāright, youāre not drinking tonight!ā they yell over the music.
I shook my head,Ā āno way. Iāll be just hanging in the kitchen probably, you know, serving you drunks.ā
āThatās fine! And hey! What were you last night then?!ā
āAn idiot.ā
They shoot me a sympathetic look and nod again, changing the subject like the good friend they are. We catch up some more, before I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I know it before even checking that itās Alex texting me, telling me heās finally here.
āIām going to find him now!ā
My friend just dramatically grins and sends me on my way,Ā āhurry up! Donāt let him get away!ā
I make my way back outside, and once I get there I inhale the fresh air that doesnāt stink of alcohol, which washes off all that nausea. My gaze immediately fall on Alex as he stands there cooly, with his hands in his pockets. He really came here for me, or at least thatās what I want to think, but Iām afraid heās not here to see me just to see me, but for something else.
I forget for a second that Iām supposed to feel ashamed when his face holds a mysterious grin that makes it hard to believe there has even been anything troubling him,Ā āhi! Good to see you standing, literally.ā
Okay, so maybe thereās a chance he will try forgiving me and maybe forget.
I gladly accept his hug, letting him pull me to his chest, feelinghisthumb softly rubbing my back as he holds me in place,Ā āshut up, but I am too, but shut up.ā
He laughs lightly, music to my ears,Ā āyouāre a fuckin champ, though, becauseāhow the fuck are you even standing after that? I thought I was going to have to carry you to the hospital.ā
Ashamed isnāt actually even the word for how I feel, itās deep regret for what I put him through. If thereās any part of him that is mad at me, he is suppressing it very well, so well that Iām not sure he is letting me see it.Ā
āI donāt know, but even thinking of alcohol makes me sick right now, so I think Iāll be hanging in the kitchen, playing the bartender.ā
Alex grins at me widely again,Ā his tongue darts out to lick his lower lip, before he admits, āitās a shame, truly, that our time together was so limited. We didnāt even get to the good part.ā
āWhich was?ā
āI donāt know, like we couldāve snuck to the pool. That wouldāve been fuckinā sickāsorry, I do apologize for my choice of words right there,ā he shrugs, emphasising the wordĀ āsickā.
āShut up or Iāll be sick on you the next time, whatever, goodbye,ā I turn on my heel and walk inside, pretending to be annoyed and it didnāt take long that I heard him on my tail, following me inside.
āNext time?ā he asks behind me, tickling my sides,Ā āthere will be a next time?ā
I donāt need to look at him to know his eyebrows are quirked and that heās wearing that stupid smirk again. Itās truly his favourite accessory whenever heās around me, especially today when he has something new to tease me about. My head is hanging down as Iām trying to hide the smile creeping across my face from everyone passing by. They would never understand, when I can hardly understand how he makes me feel.
I kind of did take on a role of the bartender in the kitchen. You know, serving everyone who swings by whatever drinks they are looking for. Alex grabbed a seat and came to sit right by me, like Iām the only interesting thing here, or in the whole wide world.
āSorry I forgot to bring your hoodie,ā I blurt out. Better to get on with these apologies, thereās a long list to go.
It was his turn to roll his eyes, those eyes that held such care for me last night,Ā ālisten, thatāsāitās yours now. If youāre gonna give it back to me, Iām just gonna give it to you, you know that?ā
Because friends totally keep each otherās clothes, right?
Itās like he could tell there was a lot on my mind as if he wanted to do something about it,Ā ālisten. Stop apologising or thinking you did something wrong last night and shit. I mean, I didnāt think either that you would find yourself in my arms, literally, but shit happens. Just let it go.ā
āYou know I was only there in your arms, because I quite literally passed out?ā
āYeah, sure,ā he just grinned at me, like he wanted to believe thatās the real truth, āyou seemed more awake when we⦠hugged and shit. Cuddled, even. Itās all good, I liked it too.ā
I groan and cover my ears. So embarrassing.
I serve a few drinks to people, not exchanging a word or even a look with anyone else other than Alex. He is what matters.
āWait, you have Snapchat? You should add me,ā he leans back in his seat like heās here for the long haul, already pulling out his phone.
āUgh, really? Youāre one of those guys?āĀ I hate that stuff, I donāt really see the appeal and I donāt know if it would make any difference to what we do now, but for him, sure, I guess?
āHey!ā he straightens up looking up at me, extending his hand for my phone,Ā āitās a great fuckinā app, okay? You just boom, boom, pow, and everyone knows what youāre doing.ā
I give it to him without further complaints, expect for, āI donāt need everyone to know what Iām doing.ā
āNo, no. Just me,ā he smiles smugly, softly brushing his hand against mine. I donāt know he meant to do it, but if not, then heās real damn good at pretending and these happy accidents.Ā
While I was handing out drinks, he is doing God knows what on my phone. Thereās not a single word exchanged when he seems to look interested in whatever heās finding there and Iām not bothered to intervene, just enjoying his company in all its forms, until he talks again, āyo, what the fuck is this? This donāt even look like you.ā
He flashes my Bitmoji on the screen, just enough for me to get a glimpse of it. Yeah, I know, I really donāt care about that stuff or if it looks like me. I have never felt bothered to change it or customize it, so sue me.
āOh, really?ā I challenge him.
āYeah, I could make that amazing, likeāyouāll see. Youāve never looked better.ā
Before he could get any more heated over this dumb debate, I agree and let him work his magic on my phone again. Meanwhile I try to steal glances at him of sitting with his head low, leaning on his knees. Heās so chill it almost gives me chills. I canāt believe we made it through what happened last night, or did we?
I let him mess with my phone while dealing with more drunk people looking for more drinks. I gave them what they wanted. Ugh, theyāre gonna feel like hell tomorrow. After last night, I canāt look at drunk people the same way, sorry.
āThere,ā he slams the phone back on my hand.
I raise it up to my eyes,Ā āwhat the hell?ā
He had made me look absolutely ridiculous and freaky. This, if anything, does not look like me. Well, as long as he has fun.
āThanks for making sure no one will ever talk to me again,ā I tuck my phone deep in my pocket.
āThey shouldnāt, youāre right. I think I should be the only one,ā heĀ lays his eyes on me again, raising his eyebrows challengingly and crossing his arms across his chest.
For an hour, he sat there with me, like the time had stopped for us and there was no hurry to be anywhere else. I understood a little bit better why many feel drawn to Alex, and how itās his commentary on things that is rather entertaining. I just want to hear him talk and joke more. I noticed he had rolled his sleeves up at one point and now his other sleeve had fallen down due to his dramatic hand gestures. It was kind of adorable.
āIām definitely not drinking ever again. Iām so glad Iām not one of these people here, they will feel like hell tomorrow,ā I tell him after watching another drunken person stumble out of the kitchen, leaving the two of us alone again.
He suddenly seems concerned, a total shift in his mood, āare you sure youāre okay? Did you even throw up last night? Like, you know, you need to get that shit out of your system.ā
I bury my head in my hands,Ā āI donāt know, I donāt remember anything after I was put in that car. What was up with that though? Who drove me home? Whoever it was, I just want to tell them that Iām sorry for being such an idiot.ā
He hurries to my comfort,Ā āitās okay! You donāt remember? I got my friend to pick us up, he drove you home and then drove me back to the house.ā
āYou were there, in the car? Why?ā I was surprised. He didnāt have anywhere to go, since he was already home, so why would he be there?
āHoly shit, you really donāt remember a thing,ā he tries to contain his laughter,Ā āof course I had to be there with you, I mean, not to spark some memories, but you were quite literally all over the place and I feel like it was my duty to get you home, so I came along, which by the way turned out to be the right thing to do, since you kept passing out and leaning on me.ā
I did? And he was there for me the whole car ride? Ignorance is bliss, but I wonder what made him do it. Was it his head or heart that made that decision? Is he hiding something to be considerate of me or is there something he is not telling me? I would do the same for him, though, but Iāll never tell him that, since we all have something to hide here.
āOh God,ā I groan in shame,Ā āyeah, I donāt remember how I got home from the car, but I donāt think I want to even know. I know it will be embarrassing as hell.ā
He seals his lips with his pointer finger,Ā āokay, okay. Iām not telling you, unless you absolutely demand me to, but letāsĀ just say that you were clinging on to me when I was walking you to the door likeāā
āStop!ā I cover my face with my hands. This is so bad for me. I will never, ever hear the end of this.Ā
Well, that was until our night came to an end when he told me he has to get going, since he had promised to stream later tonight. Safe to say I was disappointed, but duty calls for all of us sometimes and I canāt do anything to stop it.Ā
I didnāt let him leave until I told him,Ā āI canāt wait for the day when this will all be forgotten and we can go back to normal. I am so, so embarrassed.ā
āYouāre asking me to forget how it felt to have you all over me? Youāre driving a hard bargain, Iām not sure I can do that,ā he grins mischievously and reaches for my arms as I walk him to the door. This is hopeless, he is being impossible. Impossibly⦠flirty?
Hhe closes the distance between us to capture me in a quick embrace, wishing me a safe rest of the night, and then he is gone, vanishing into the night too soon for my liking like a figment of my imagination. For a second I really think if this is all just a really good book that we live in. Heās too good to be true sometimes and thatās what scares me. I think itās safe to say I am free to move on from last night and that we are in the clear.Ā
I had to really comb the whole living room in the hope of finding my friend, to tell them Iām out of here for good. Now that Alexās gone, I feel like this place is dead and I have already overtimed my stay. I made my way through the dancing bodies, bumping into a few.
āHey, who are you? Where did a beautiful thing like you come from?ā says someone behind me. I know theyāre talking to me, because I can feel them trying to grab my arm to slow me down. Not to my surprise, when I make them the favour of turning around, I see a guy I have never seen before. He wasnāt too drunk to function or to know what heās doing, but definitely has more than a few drinks down.
āUhā¦ā I stutter,Ā āI was just about to leave.ā
He groans,Ā ānooo, cāmon, stay! Iāll get you a drink if you stay andāā
āI donāt drink tonight, actually. I still have a killer hangover from last night, so I just came to say hello to a friend here,ā I tell him firmly before he can finish that sentence. I donāt need to hear it, because my mind canāt be changed.Ā
He seems taken aback and puts some space between us like someone will charge at him if he gets one more move wrong,Ā āokay, I hear you, I respect that.ā
Thank God. I smile in hopes that he lets me go on my merry way, until he tugs on me again,Ā āhey, youāre not interested at all? Like, can I get your number at least? I swear Iām not a creep, but youāre really, really beautiful, and Iād like to know you. Thatās all.ā
He raises his hands up in surrender as to prove his innocence to me and I internally want to roll my eyes. I thought he might have been cool and all and and then he raises a red flag. Nothing good ever starts with what he said, āIām not a creep, butā¦ā. He seems harmless, even a little nervous to be talking to me, which almost makes me feel flattered. Almost. He is innocent until proven guilty. Hope itās not a dead-end case.
Before I can pick him apart any more in my head, I agree to his deal and he seems to notably cheer up,Ā āawesome. Thanks for giving a guy like me a chance, itās not every day I get this lucky.ā
Save those compliments for the date, Iāve already said yes, I thought. That said ādateā though, all Iām saying is that I wonāt be mad if it never happens. Iām not particularly excited to possibly see him again, but I rather take the risk than the regret of what couldāve been.
I just smile again when we quickly exchange numbers, and then I leave. Itās unlucky I canāt see my friend anywhere, so I just text them on my way out that Iām leaving. They wish me good night. I
.
Ever since that weekend, I felt the universe shift again for me. I know I say that a lot, but something really changed between me and Alex, like someone had wiped our slates clean and tied our souls together into a pretty bow. Or maybe it was because of that damned Snapchat, he definitely has used it to his advantage and sent me stuff all day and night, telling me where heās going or whatās he doing, like he wants me to know his every move. Whatever it is that weāre doing, I kind of donāt want it to stop. I want to hear more from him, see more of him, and if this helps the case, then so be it. I want to give this my best.
Work has been okay, actually more than okay, now that I finally know him the way I have wanted. Sometimes he calls me while Iām working and we go over some bits together and laugh about them, or he tells me about the game he has been playing lately and I try hard not to get distracted. If Iām having a tough day, he always manages to put me back together. It was not so long ago when I still felt like walking on eggshells around him, like I was desperately just trying hard to make a good impression on him, but now we ask all the deep questions and keep each other up all night talking about anything and everything. Itās weird how fast things have fallen into place with him.
Just like today, when I finished work and was almost expecting him to blow up my phone again for no particular reason. I actually canāt wait to hear from him. My phone did eventually ping to alert a text, but my smile fell when I saw it wasnāt a text from him, but from a number I donāt recognise nor have saved;
āHey. Still up for that date, I hope? How about tomorrow?ā 5:32 PM
A date? With who?
āIām so sorry, who is this?ā 5:34 PM
āItās me from the party! You didnāt drink back then, but I wondered if youād like to go out, I mean you did say yes after all. Unless something came up?ā 5:35 PM
Oh, itās him, from my friendās house party. Tomorrow is Saturday after all, if it happens it will happen tomorrow. I donāt know if I exactly feel like wasting a perfectly good Saturday night on him when thereās endless potential for it, but I guess one date wonāt hurt, so I tell him;
āOh sure, tomorrow is fine. Text me the time and place?ā 5:38 PM
āGreat, thereās this restaurant I think youād like, Iāll text you the address. How about at 7PM?ā 5:39 PM
How does he think he knows me already? Iām just going to go along and hope for the best, whatever the best here is.Ā
āSounds good to me!ā 5:40 PM
.
It was 6.15 PM when I left the house the next day for this so-called-date. He had kindly offered to pick me up, but I told him Iād rather meet him there.Ā
The restaurant looked promising, at least on the outside. I donāt even remember the last time I went out to eat, now that I think of it. I definitely didnāt in a million years think my next time would be with someone I barely know, an actual date. He didnāt seem to care too much about the finer things, so Iām surprised this is the kind of place he decided to choose for us tonight, but I appreciate the effort. Iām lucky if I even remember what he looks like and if we find each other in this parking lot.Ā
I was there, leaning against the wall and looking around, until I saw a silhouette of someone I think I recognise getting out of a car. Iām pretty sure itās him and he confirmed my suspicion by smiling at the sight of me and waving, making his way over.
āHello there,ā he greeted me politely, āletās get inside and see what this place is all about, shall we?ā
I nodded and let him lead the way. How bad could this be?
It was a few steps to the door that opened up a bustling, dim space for our eyes. I could barely make out what he was telling me, but I figured it was something about finding our table. I just nodded and went along with him as we walked further inside.
āHow did we, or you, manage to get this table tonight?ā I asked him when he found an empty booth and we made ourselves comfortable in it. I mean, this place is packed and if I saw correctly, there was a small queue outside that we were able to just waltz past.
āWell,ā he blushed a little under the yellow light, coming from the lamp hanging above our tableĀ āI booked this for us on the same night when you gave me your number. Iām sorryāI probably went ahead of things a little, but I couldnāt let this opportunity go.ā
āOh, thatās fine.ā
At least heās honest.
āOkay,ā he smiled at me as if relieved,Ā āgood.ā
A waitress came by to get our drink orders first. I decided to settle for one glass, he did too, and then we fell into small talk.
āSo, what is it about you? Why are you āyouā?ā he questioned me.
Well, thatās one way to ask for my story.
I cleared my throat and thought about how much do I exactly want to share, before telling him about my studies. Thatās always a good place to start, right? He kept nodding while listening to me, occasionally letting out approving sounds. Not that his opinion on what I should do or shouldāve done matters too much. I asked him the same question in return, and thatās when he went into great detail about his life. Wow, I wouldāve never guessed heās so... educated and wealthy. A guy like him just doesnāt look like someone that walks around with such riches and glories like itās nothing. Guess I could have not been more wrong about him.
If Alex was here, he would definitely crack more jokes and never make me feel less than I amāstop! Why am I thinking of him right now?
He kept rambling, not stopping even for a second when our drinks and food got placed down in front of us and we dug in, āI donāt want to brag, but I could change your life too if you gave me a chance. I have everything anyone could ever want and you look like you could use some of that.āĀ
I wanted to roll my eyes, because thatās exactly what heās doing this whole time; bragging. Itās not the lifestyle Iām interested in nor do I need it from him. I suddenly feel very content with the simple life I have, I donāt need any of those things that heās trying to force on me.Ā
As I was sipping from my glass, I could already imagine if Alex was here, how he would definitely steal some food from my plate and then act offended when I call him out for it and how we would make fun of pretentious people like my date. On the other hand, I need to stop thinking about him so much and stop looking at life through him and manage on my own for once.
We chat more between bites and gulps, mostly about him or the more serious stuff and the future, things that I didnāt really feel the want to discuss on a Saturday night or if ever, especially on a first date. I mean, weāre so young, whatās the rush planning the rest of our lives right this second?
I let out a few forced laughs here and there at his stories about his trips around the world, laughs that I never had to force with Alex. I felt almost ill at one point, like my gut was telling me something and I wasnāt listening. It didnāt get any better when he fell deeper and deeper into the same cycle of boasting himself and convincing me that heās the greatest I will ever find. I think he should just date himself at this point.
He eventually slows down,Ā āthat was something, wasnāt it? Are you impressed, you donāt look impressed? What about you? What do you think you want to do?ā
āUm,ā I gulp,Ā āI donāt know.ā
āHm,ā he thinks out loud,Ā āyou could do so much more than you do right now. Iām not saying you could be as good as I am, these kind of things only happens to the few. Iām just the lucky one, but I think it would be good for you to give me a chance. You donāt need to be miserable for the rest of your live, when you could be happy with me.ā
Oh God, I just want this to stop. How would he know whatās good for me and that Iām miserable with how life is going for me when in fact I am not? I mean, I am absolutely miserable right now here with him, but as soon as I get out of here Iāll be the happiest I have ever been and will go on living my perfect life that he wonāt ever see. Itās perfect because itās all mine and no-one elseās.
I nod just to get him to shut up, but as soon as I think itās over, he looks like heās eager and ready to delve into another story about himself. I sit there finishing up my food, occasionally listening to him, occasionally shamelessly thinking about Alex again. Itās a scary thought, how attached I feel to Alex all of a sudden. Maybe itās moments like this, when I realise how good he is to me, so if nothing, at least this date gives me some new perspective on him and how he is the only beautiful thing in this ugly world. I canāt believe there ever was a me without him.Ā
We finish our plates just as he comes to an end on his story. I wonder if he timed that somehow and hope he doesnāt see through my facade and figure it out that I wasnāt paying much attention.
To my luck, heās just all smiles,Ā āthanks for listening. Now I guess itās all up to you how you feel.ā
Yeah, Iām not feeling much of anything.
He pays for us, at least he is a gentleman, and then we get up. Iām the one leading us outside this time. We stand there in the dark parking lot and he asks me if I need a ride home. I hastily lie again and tell him that I have a friend to pick me up, you know, any excuse just to walk away alone.
He seems to believe it and asks me instead,Ā āso, will I see you again?ā
Nowās the time for me to be honest. I shake my head,Ā āsorry, I donāt think so,ā and leave swiftly, but not without shooting him a sorry look. I donāt know exactly what Iām sorry for, Iām sorry for myself if anything. Almost everything he said tonight was uncalled for, I deserve something better.
As I make it far enough to not to be in his sight anymore, I fish my phone out of my pocket. Itās only 9:35 PM, I see.Ā
Before I can exactly control myself, I dial Alexās number.
āToo drunk again?ā he picks up, a taunting smirk evident in his voice.
Oh, how lovely it is to hear his voice, and just like that, he immediately makes me want to laugh the realest I have laughed the entire night. All it takes is really nothing from him to make me feel like this. Itās so easy for him to make me happy.
āUgh, yeah,ā I pretend to slur,Ā āI went on this crappy date and drank for my misery the whole time.ā
āYou did?ā he asks, sounding surprised,Ā āI meanāwhatās the truth? Did you really?ā
āYeah, I actually did.ā
āNo fuckinā way,ā his breath hitches for a second,Ā āwith who? You donāt know anyone.ā
I laughed again, because he genuinely sounds like itās news to him that I actually can go out and hang out with someone else other than him,Ā āso youād think, because Iām pretty sure I was just sitting at a restaurant with this guy, who, by the way, wasāā
He rushes to interrupt me before he hears too much, āokay, okay! I get it, fuck. What the fuckāis this why youāve been so quiet today?ā
Heās right, we have not talked much today but I didnāt think it would concern him much, but now he makes it sounds like I should be behind bars for neglecting him for a day.
āCalm down, bucko. I didnāt even get to the good part, which is that Iām not interested in him and hope I never see him again.ā
āHuh,ā he exhales,Ā āthat bad?ā
āYeah⦠not the worst, but I didnāt have the best time either.ā
āWhat happened? Why was he an asshole?ā he inquired, almost defensively.
āOkay, imagine someone rich and successfulāā
āYeah, me,ā he interrupts me again.
I shushed him through my giggles,Ā āāand they just make it about themselves the whole time, like you didnāt have to come all this way just to tell me that you think youāre better than me.ā
He groans in response,Ā āyeah, definitely an asshole. What the fuck were you even doing there?ā
āWell, I thought itād be fun, you know, as you usually expect from dates, but itās not every time you get lucky, I guess.ā
āYeah, thatās why thereās only one of me,ā he states.
I laughed again, āright. But, Iām definitely over it, so you donāt need to worry your little mind. The only thing you need to worry about is when will I see you again before the next date candidate comes along and steals me away again.ā
āAs you should, as you fuckinā should be over it. That shit doesnāt sound like worth anyoneās time, especially not yours. Iāll see you next Friday, itās settled, alright?ā
This made me feel a whole lot better, I canāt lie. Heās so easy to be happy around, he doesnāt try too hard to be funny and thatās what makes him funny. I think heās one of those people who I could list good things about for days. One of those people who constantly celebrates you like itās your birthday every day. Someone who knows what you need before you know it yourself.
āI love how you know exactly what I need and want and how I should spend my time,ā I tease him. What if he is that someone?
āI do. I have something for you that will surely make you feel better, wait.ā
āOkay...ā I will wait. I have no idea what he could have up his sleeve now, but I think I will be pleasantly surprised, like I always am with him.
All I hear next is rustling and him murmuring to himself as if setting up something or moving something heavy. It went on for a minute, before I heard him loud and clear again and what sounded like him placing the phone down, āso, I have this piano, I donāt know if you knew but⦠I havenāt played it in a long fuckinā time anyway.ā
I didnāt know that. I donāt know what it has to do with anything, but I will trust the process.
He starts playing and talking in a voice so obnoxious that it makes me cringe for a second,Ā āif you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see?Ā You belong with meāI'm in the roomāin my room, I donāt knowāit's a typical Tuesday nightāa Saturday night, actuallyāIām listening to the kind of music he doesn't like, and he'll never know your story like I doāsomething like that.ā
I donāt know what is going on here, I mean itās pretty obvious that heās trying to lift my spirits that were stomped to the ground, but where is this coming from? All jokes aside, heās pretty good at playing, but of course I donāt dare to tell him. Even if this is not genuine, Iām not mad about it, at least itās something to laugh about, but if heās this good when heās not even being serious, I wonder how good he could be when he wants to be good.Ā
When he decides heās done, itās silent until I speak. He seems to be amused by how Iām struggling to make sense of this and laughs loudly, still playing random keys in the background,Ā āyeah, thatās a good fuckinā song, okay? Itās just straight up disrespectful if it doesnāt make you feel better. Like, Iām sorry I canāt write that shit myself, but Iām still here trying to make the most of it for you.ā
For the rest of my way home we talk about nonsense and laugh, itās what we do best. I try my best to keep good company, even though Iām not able to get back my mind that I had lost on him earlier and I hope for the best that itās not too obvious that my mind is somewhere else, literally. Will I ever know the truth behind what he did, did he really mean it? Whatever the truth is; will it hurt, is it going to be worth knowing?
After we hang up the phone, I stare at the screen like it would tell me all the answers. That was one hell of a night.
.
He seemed to be completely oblivious to everything the following weeks. Work was as usual, except that it almost had became a ritual for us to see each other every Friday night. It felt dangerous, like I could finally live instead of just exist, it was living between existing. I lived in ways I had never before and no one knew, no one but me and him, but I liked it like that. We would hang out at his place most of the time, I would keep him company and he would keep all of my secrets. His place felt like a hideaway from the real world, most of the time I even forgot there was a real world out there, it felt like it was just us two. We spent time talking about anything and killed time doing much of nothing when there was nothing to talk about. Nonetheless, all time spent with him was time well spent.
As I was on my way to his place one Friday night, I had a different feeling about it as I typically do. Last week had been busy, maybe it was the stress catching up to me.Ā I made it to his door, knocking, waiting until he appeared behind it, looking a bit disheveled. We greeted each other and he let me in.
I was touching up in the front of the bathroom mirror when he barged in, āI was thinkingāā
I looked at him through the reflection, silently asking him to keep going.Ā
āāwe could go down to the pool now. I can see it from the window, thereās literally no one in there right now.ā
āWe can?ā I asked in surprise. I mean, Iām really not surprised about it being empty, it is almost 9 PM, but I for sure would think that itās closed at this hour. Isnāt that what he has told me before, when his friends were here too and we asked to go there but he said no, because it closes for the night?Ā
āYeah!ā he cheered,Ā āwhy not? Itās always open for residents. I know I mightāve said last time that itās closed at nights, but itās technically not. I just wanted toāI donāt knowābe there with you, not them.ā
Iām not sure what he means by wanting to exclude the others, or why he suddenly seems hesitant to even look at me, or why he sounds like his guard is down and he struggled to say those words out loud, but I shrug it off.Ā
āOkay,ā I agree,Ā ābut I wasnāt exactly prepared for this, I didnāt bring anything.ā
If I wouldāve known this was on the agenda for tonight, I could have been more prepared, but he is so full of surprises and spontaneousness that I shouldnāt be surprised. One of the many things I have learnt about him so far, I wonder if I will learn more tonight at the pool.
āNo, no,ā he waved me off,Ā āI got it all.ā
He walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle, āI have this left from⦠that night. Is this okay? Just something chill.ā
I agree to it, knowing exactly the night he means. He has learned not to poke anymore holes into my remorse than I already have. Itās something we just have moved past.
I watch as he runs around grabbing the keys and the bottle and also two glasses from the cupboard, and then weāre off.
The air at the pool almost stood still, it was so quiet and calm. The moon hit the surface of the water right, making it illuminate before our eyes. I pried my eyes off of it just to see the stunning night sky above us. I suddenly felt small in this world and overwhelmed by how that sky is black, apart from the hundreds of stars, but Iām only seeing colours when Iām here with him. Thereās so much beauty in this world that I will never get to see all of it, but this moment makes up for it; the way the universe is kind enough to always stay beautiful to make moments like this more beautiful. Or maybe I just fell for him and got a concussion thatās making me see stars and colours. One or the other.Ā
We sit down on the side of the pool, making ourselves comfortable. He pops the bottle open and pours us both a full glass.
āThis is nice. If I could Iād be here every night,ā I broke the comfortable silence. āNiceā is definitely an understatement, but I donāt want to overwhelm him like Iām overwhelming myself.
He grinned and swirled his glass,Ā āwell, who says you canāt?ā
āYou, realistically.āĀ
He looked surprised as he gulped down some, āthe fuck? You can come over here anytime you want, okay? You know that?ā
āYeah, I know.ā
Thereās never a point in arguing with him when it comes to⦠well, me. Like how he always wants me around and if I canāt be there with him, he always makes sure I know Iām at least on his mind by blowing up my phone, asking me how am I. Yeah, I told you; weāve come far from where we started.Ā
We had a few glasses and talked, a lot. The night got darker as we got lost in endless conversations. I usually forget a lot of things, but Iāll never forget this night, Iām sure of that. Itās the way our minds and words merge together like missing parts, creating an entirety of mutual understanding that only makes sense to us.
As he eventually laid down on the concrete to relax himself and I decided to join him, the view of the luminous sky was undeniably impeccable from this angle. I could still hear the soft sounds of the pool too, the sound of the water gently splashing against the walls, that made me want to close my eyes. There are so many things to be happy about right now, but Iām thinking; what is it that weāre doing here? Are we crossing lines or are we just friendly? Why am I here every Friday night if itās all innocent? Do I even want to feel like that about someone? Everything is good as it is, so why ruin a good thing like Iām doing right now. But if itās not him in the end, then who?
I think Iām going through the melancholy you get in this position, when itās late at night and you think too hard about the world and you get a bit sad and apprehensive about everything.Ā
āThe same person thatās destined for you or cares for you or will become your everything someday could be looking at the same moon right now. Isnāt that insane?ā I donāt even know what I said that, I didnāt mean to get so sentimental. I still donāt seem to know how deep is too deep.
He sounded tense,Ā āit is, yeah.ā
It didnāt sound like him at all. Whereās the laughs and the jokes that are more like him? I was almost expecting him to laugh at me and call me out for being too philosophical for his liking, but he didnāt.Ā It made me nervous.
I turn to look at him as he seems to turn away. It gives me no answers. I think the silence is the loudest and clearest answer here. Iām not sure what happened in the span of these few minutes and why are we now acting like we donāt know each other at all?Ā
When he finally turns to me, I see a look on his face that I have never seen before. He looks almost emotionless. I know he knows this is getting weird and I donāt know anymore whoās to blame, I fear itās me. There has never been a better time for him to quiet my fears than right now. I just wish he would.
Is this the moment for the inevitable hurt when something goes awfully wrong? Whatever it is, whatever will come out of his mouth next, will change something, change us. Iām sure of it.
āCan I ask you something?ā he finally stutters. Itās so quiet I can barely hear it. I wonder how loud it must be in his mind.
āYeah, anything.ā
He laughed sadly, āyeah, anything but what Iām about to ask you.ā
It canāt be that bad, can it?
āWhat is it?ā I urge him to tell me.
He abruptly sits up, looking afraid of God knows what, his head slumped, looking very stiff and uncomfortable in his own skin. He has never been the one to run when the heat turns up and it scares me how much he looks like heās just planning his escape from this situation right now. I want to be there for him so bad, to reassure him that everything is okay, but I settle for silence. Iām not sure what to say to him when heās acting like this, itās my first time hanging out with this side of him. So we just sit there, Iām literally counting the seconds, because I donāt know what else to do with my thoughts nor how to sort them.
He finally gets it together and sits up straight, āsorryācan I kiss you?ā
Is that really what he wants? Does he know this could make us or break us? One move wrong and we fall apart. But, why do I want to say yes? I thank the lucky stars that itās dark here, so he canāt completely see my face, I know I look as dumbfounded as I feel. I felt a rush of energy, Iām not sure what kind of energy it is yet.
āYes,ā I slyly give him my verbal consent and sit up.
āHoly shit, yesāreally?ā he slurred, almost as if he was drunk on this.Ā
When I nodded to confirm his question, it didnāt take him long at all to slot our lips together confidently, like he has thought this over before. I wonder if he has. Iād like to find it in me to ask him some time, but for now now our mouths are busy pressing and massaging against each other over and over again.
It felt like a movie with fireworks, like that whole Hollywood blown-way-out-of-proportion magic. I think moments like this, that are like something out of a movie, only happens to you once in your lifetime and I donāt regret one bit spending mine on him.Ā
Excuse my language, but shit got very real when he wrapped his other arm around me and deepened the kiss. It felt new and breathtaking. Iām pretty sure that he could make all my dreams come true overnight. Maybe thatās my head and the adrenaline running through my veins talking, but if this is already the dream, then I donāt want to wake up ever.
We slowly pull away, so slowly that it feels like for a moment we are one, and it takes a while for him to come back to reality and take his hand off of me. I want to tell him that itās okay and that he can keep it there, but Iām not sure if Iām ready to talk just yet. My lips feel like theyāve been claimed for more important things, like they should never be used for any other purpose ever again than kissing him. He remained silent too and I wonder if he feels the same. I felt wildly flustered again as I thought about the possibility of me in his thoughts. I was even more flustered when I realised how much I want to do that again, but Iām not sure how much is too much. Weāve already crossed one line, so whatās another one?
He seemed to know it too and make it known that I was there, in every corner and place of his mind, when he looked into my eyes and whispered the only words that matters, āwas that okayādid you like it? I liked it.ā
āMore than okay,ā I reassured him, āI liked it so much that Iād like to do it again.ā
Relief washed over his face and his eyes gained their usual whimsical twinkle back as he nods and cups the back of my neck and brings his mouth down to mine. It was even better than the first time, as he made me putty in his hands.
āWhat if itās me?ā he whispers against my lips.Ā
I pull away and knit my brows, āwhat?ā
He laughs freely, āsorry. You were just going on about that shit about the moon and I was here next to you thinking how much I care for you and I donāt think you know it. Like, Iām right fuckinā here.ā
Iām not sure if my concept of care is the same as his, if he thinks it like I think of it. But, I canāt complain when heās here pouring his heart out to me after everything.
āI⦠donāt know what to say, other than I care about you too, a lot. I just didnāt expect to find it in you tonight.ā
He quiets down, āitās okay. We donāt need to talk about it right now. I just wanted you to know that if you canāt find whatever youāre looking for, itās because you already have it, itās me.ā
And there he goes again, turning into a cocky little tease.Ā
āYeah, Iām done talking,ā I pretend to roll my eyes.
Big mistake, because he plays along and doesnāt lose the smirk off his face, āare you, now? Iāll spare you talking, if you let me.ā
āOkay?ā
āOkay.ā
And then, kind of to my surprise, he pulls me in for endless kisses. I donāt know what I expected, but it caught me off guard how brave he is all of a sudden with his words, his hands, his lips, all of it. But, I like it, the confidence.Ā
In the end he grabs our glasses and the empty bottle and asked if we should go back up since it was getting chilly. I agreed, because it was and I was dressed fairly lightly, no matter how bad I wanted to stay here with him. Those were one of the few words we exchanged as we made our way back upstairs. We left the pool just like we had come, as friends and nothing more, I guess. On the outside we appear normal, you would never guess there is something wrong, but on the inside we both know we had taken some damage. Repairing that would cost us facing things and questions that we are not ready to see just yet. Only time will tell the answers, I think.
He opened the front door and we were immediately engulfed by the warm air. It was dark in the apartment, until he switched on the lights, creating a dim atmosphere for us.Ā I donāt know what is happening next, am I supposed to just go home now?Ā
āI have another question for you,ā he told me in the kitchen, setting our glasses down,Ā āyou remember that piano I have? I wanna show you something.ā
Oh God, how much more can I take for one night?Ā
Nonetheless, I nodded,Ā āyeah, sure, but you donāt have to impress me anymore.ā
I think he has done enough tonight to show me how he feels. I do regret saying that when I see him grin at me over his shoulder, like he is back to his usual self again that lives for teasing me, āwhat, like youāre fuckinā hopelessly in love with me already? This is it, likeāyou want my last name now or later?ā
I try to act as unfazed by his comment as I possibly can as I follow him into his room and then there he is, anxiously messing with his piano, while I just stand and watch. He didnāt have me waiting for too long when he spoke again, āI can do better than the last time you heard me playing this bad boy.āĀ
I played the memory of him singing to me on the phone back in my mind and laughed.Ā
āOkay, if you insist,ā I told him, leaning back against the wall, letting him do his thing.
āYeah,ā he agrees,Ā āI donāt know what this will make me sound like, but I learned something that I think you will like and appreciate. You will, right?ā
āSure. It sounds like youāre hopelessly in love.ā
I should know he is always one step ahead of me and that I canāt win, because he grins again as his eyes shift back to me, āthere is hope. Youāre still here.ā
What is he doing to me?
Instead of more words, he let the music speak for itself and started playing. It didnāt take me long to recognise the song; You Belong With Me. Now, this makes it feel like heās playing along to whatever joke this is, but as I stand there and watch him, I notice how much more serious he sounds. Of course I donāt dare to look at his face, Iām scared I might see through him, see his heart and soul and subconscious thoughts, see something that will change my mind about us, that maybe he is wishing non-existing things into existence, like us. Maybe this means more to him that I think it does. When I think I have him figured out, I realise I donāt. But I canāt exactly figure out myself either right now.
One thing I think I know for sure right now is that I feel something for him that I havenāt before. Itās when I see him like this, like heās in his element, like music is the language he has wanted to speak to me all along. This is a total new side of him I have not had the pleasure of seeing before. I wonder if Iām really this special to him that he would do this, do something that most people would consider even romantic.Ā
And⦠itās kind of even attractive how he plays.
āThat was nice...ā
āYeah? Just āniceā?ā
āYou know what I mean,ā I try to divert my gaze when I feel my face flush.
āHm, tell me,ā he rolls over to me in his chair and looks up at me. So many times I have seen those eyes, but now he stares at me so intensely I can almost see all the worlds and all the lives he has lived before. Maybe I knew him in another life and thatās why things are unfolding like they are right now, everything all at once.
āFine! I think it was kind of⦠cute, and⦠I donāt know where all of that came from, but I think it made me think that maybe you were right. That you do things to me that no one else can.ā
Wow, look at me being confident and speaking my mind. Never happens.
āāReally now?ā he smiles smugly, raising his eyebrows, āfuckinā finally. And you⦠you think I was cute too, huh? Just ācute?ā
I sigh out loud, āfine. It was hot, okay?ā
I think I went too far. I think that was too much. Maybe I have had too much to drink again. But no, I do know how I feel.Ā
His smirk doesnāt falter, and itās my time to yelp when he suddenly makes the move to pull me on his lap. This is a whole new sensation. And what happened then? We got greedy again with our mouths and hands and each other. Endless sweet touches and kisses, as I stay seated on his lap. It was innocent as we still got used to the feeling of feeling each other this close.
We soon wrap up the night and I decide itās time for me to go home and I actually couldnāt wait to be alone with my thoughts. I have a lot to think over, or maybe Iāll just fall into daydreams about him and this night instead. Tonightās moment are going to be the rest of my lifeās memories, and I can revisit those memories whenever I want to. He walks me to the door, we donāt really talk about what happened or what will happen next, instead he just settles for pulling me into a hug. His grip on me, thatās tighter than ever before, tells me everything I need to know, that he doesnāt want this to end here.
All he asks me as Iām about to walk out isĀ āwill we do this again?ā, holding onto my arm, not willing to let me slip away before I can answer his burning question, whatever he means by āthisā.
I just grin,Ā āmaybe.ā
I still want to play a little hard to get after all this time, see what his intensions are and if he will keep fighting for me and my time. Now, I donāt actually mean any harm by that and I definitely want this to happen again, I just still feel like I have to preserve some self-respect and not be an easy target. Then I walk off.
.
The following week brings that painful tension between us and all I can think about is if we made a mistake at the pool and if Iām his brand-new regret. Iām trying to keep that thought out of my head, but itās hard, because when it comes to work and talking with him,Ā thereās so much tension there that Iām just dreading the moment when the heat turns up and it all sets on fire. I donāt know what will be left of us once that happens.
It wasnāt until a few more weeks had passed until it really settled in my chest, this hollow feeling, when something unexpected happens: he starts giving me the silent treatment. Something I never expected him to do, and unfortunately, Iām think Iām partly to blame. The night at the pool made things weird. If I think hard enough back to that night, it almost feels like a movie how he made the first move and unveiled both of ours wants for each other, but it ends as soon as I open my eyes and face the reality where he flipped the script and fleed. He had made me feel like I was flying that night, now Iām flying and getting motion sick.
I try texting him;
āIs everything okay? I need to talk to you.ā 9:35 PM
He doesnāt respond. I wonder if heās sleeping soundly meanwhile Iām staying up all night.Ā
Eventually Iām so tired I just fall asleep, my phone next to my head.
.
No text from him in the morning, or the morning after that.
I keep trying with a different approach;
āPretty bored today, what are you up to? Unless you want me to get a head start and work on that stuff today already? Or unless you are up for some chatting :)?ā 11:39 AM
To my surprise, he replies, but itās not the side of him I was hoping would to come to the phone;
āNoā 11:52 AM
If Iām not careful, I will get cut by the sharp edges of his tone even when thereās no reason for it. Maybe he doesnāt mean it like that, maybe heās stressed and unintentionally took it out on me. I read the text again like a chant and wear it like a warning label. I didnāt know it would get to me like this, but I feel like I need to write it on me to warn people like him to watch their temper around me.
I text him one final thing before getting on with my day, even though I have a peculiar feeling he wonāt reply;
āOkay. Let me know when youāre free to talk!ā 11:55 AMĀ
I was right, for the rest of the day and night, heās silent.
.
If I thought one day of his silence was loud, nothing could have prepared me for Alex disappearing from my life for a whole week and then two. He had brought us back to life just to leave like a ghost halfway through the good part of our story. It doesnāt make sense. Reality hurts too bad right now, I wish I could leave like he did.Ā
It was a text after another that I kept sending him, not even expecting a reply anymore but I still do it;
āAre you ok?ā 7:52 PM
I wish I didnāt care so much, but I do. I thought we were getting along just fine, more than fine. Thatās why it hurts.
.
My friend does keep me in check from that day on and blows up my phone with happy texts constantly, like they know somehow that I need a friend right now. Those are the only texts I seem to receive these days, so it was a real shocker when one day my phone buzzed with a text from Alex;
āCan we meet? Maybe by the park?ā 1:15 PM
Oddly enough, I know the park he means. Itās the one next to where he lives that you can partly see from the living room window, the one I always walk past whenever Iām on my way to his. I think itās the real oasis of this city, somewhere where the birds never stop singing and itās always evergreen. I think that will change today. Iām never going to see that park in the same light again. I hope Iām wrong.
I throw on some clothes and then Iām out the door.
When I arrive at the park, heās already there. Whatever it is that he wants to tell me, he must want to get it over with fast. When he looks like he doesnāt even want to look at me, I look at the sky and wish thereās an alternate universe somewhere up there where this is not happening, where everything is still okay.
I sit there next to him, nearly not as close as I used to would. The park looks ethereal as always, especially on a summer day like this itās like a paradise, but you know what they say; even the sun sets in paradise.Ā
He sits there next to me in heavy silence, before taking a deep breath and telling me with his head in his hands,Ā ālisten, this whole thingāIāve had fun, butā¦ā
Iām just waiting for him to say it, that this was all a mistake.
He finally continues,Ā āIām just thinking about shit and turning shit over in my head. I like what has happened so far, but thereās just no datingāor being with someone like you. Itās so much more complicated than that.ā
He said the d-word. Fuck. Heās braver than me.Ā
I donāt dare to interrupt when he keeps going,Ā āI mean, youāre amazing, but itās likeāthatās the thing; you deserve someone thatās sure of what they want and donāt leave you hanging. For me, itās like, I date or I donāt; I donāt do anything in between. And right now, Iām not sure what I want. You with me?ā
He checks in with me and I just nod. I think I understand and I think Iām the same. Neither of us are cut out for casual dating, it has to be the real thing or nothing. And making the decision if we are ready for the real thing, I donāt know if we, or I, can make that decision right now after all. He also keeps dropping this d-word like itās nothing. I guess this is the calm before the storm.Ā
āAndāyeah, thereās not just dating, or committing to someone like you. People like you are so deserving of things Iām not sure I can give you. Maybe thatās just my insecurities talking, but I mean this as wholeheartedly as I can and hope you remember it. You deserve someone who deserves you, as simple as that, and I donāt know if I do right now, or ever.ā
Wow, he really dug to the bottom of his feelings and found some gold there, and even shared some of it with me.Ā
I finally find my voice and some words to make sense of it all,Ā āthatāsāIām very glad you told me that. I agree, thereās no telling who really deserves something the most, but I know you deserve good things too and I feel⦠very overwhelmed, but happy to know you see me as one of those. No matter what happens next, I think things have already changed between us, and maybe that means that the worst part is over, but I guess all we can do is keep going like before and see where we end up?ā
He nods and croaks out,Ā āyeah. That would be great. I need to get my own shit together first, like I donāt wanna be one of those fuckinā people when I say this, but itās not you. Itās me. I just want to be the best for you, but for now, I can only be your friend. Just like before.ā
Iām glad we had this conversation after all, but still feel a little pang in my chest when we agree on staying like we were before, like there is no promise or guarantee we will ever make it as anything more. Itās better than nothing though. Now we just need time. Time for if nothing else, the sun setting in our paradise.Ā
.
Thereās nothing that time and sleep canāt fix. Just a few days ago when I had the talk with Alex, I felt almost explosive, like if someone would have said the wrong things or made me upset in any way, I would have just exploded and spilled my feelings all over the place. There was more for me to process that I was able to take, but now I feel fine. We had a mature conversation, and I have a clearer vision of his feelings now. No more second guessing or doubting, or getting mad over literally nothing.
Work feels fine again, because at least that awkward tension is mostly gone, but we donāt talk as freely as we used to. Thatās what happens when youāre not careful and spill your cup of romance all over your work.
I still nevertheless happily tell my friend about it over coffee. I didnāt mean to talk about it right there, in broad daylight, in a crowded cafe, but I did.
āSo,ā I tell them,Ā āwe did make upāI mean, there was no bad blood to begin with. I was just being dramatic, like you told me.ā
āYeahhh, I told you! I knew it,ā they rolled their eyes at me from across the table,Ā āno need to get all fired up if someone justāwhat did he tell you? Why did he do it? He was just busy, or?ā
āYeah, pretty much. He was just... busy. Yeah,ā I have never sounded more shady.Ā
I know I still canāt blow my cover. This thing will be kept tightly under wraps until it feels right to discuss it with other people. Iām also that good of a person that I want his approval to share anything.
As I feared, my friend doubts me,Ā āreally? Is that really all? What are you not telling me?ā
Digging a deeper hole for myself, I stutter,Ā āyep! I justāI was really expecting there to be something, so I was just surprised thatāyou know, it wasnāt something I did. You know me, Iām paranoid like that, I donāt exactly like that about myself either.ā
I was hoping this conversation would shift to something else, like my insecurities, literally anything else than this. A part of me feels bad for the lies I keep feeding them, but I know Iām doing this for the right reasons.
They squinted their eyes at me,Ā āthatās weird, youāre being weird. I know you and I know youāre being weird like now. Since when we donāt tell each other everything?ā
I donāt like how sad they sound all of a sudden.
āI am telling you everything, as always,ā I try to comfort them,Ā āitās just weird for me to talk about him, because you knowāheās him. I just still feel weird about it that I get to know him like this.ā
That seemed to ease their mind, as I witnessed a slight smile creep back into their face,Ā āokay, okay, I believe you.ā
.
As summer starts nearing itsā end, I feel like itās also the end of other things too. Like the thing between me and Alex. We havenāt really hung out or even talked, and on top of that, I heard the news that itās safe to travel again and that heās going back home to Mexico for at least the rest of the summer, maybe even for longer. He didnāt tell me how long he will be gone for, but I know how his tone works and that there was something he didnāt tell me. Meanwhile I knew I will miss him terribly, but didnāt dare to tell him that either, considering the circumstances.
And so, he leaves in silence and I let him. I get to keep my job and talk to him about work matters, but anything other than that, nothing.
I miss him bad and fear that by the time he comes back there is going to be nothing left of us. He lives in a whole new world now, or thatās what it feels like. It feels like he is lightyears away.
.
āSo, what do you want to do on Saturday?ā my friend asks me as we pick out what to eat from the menu.
āWhy?ā
āYour birthday, dummy! You forgot your own birthday?ā
āOf course I didnāt,ā I scoff back.
They just sip their drink and devilishly smirk at me from behind the glass,Ā āsure. Anyway, we could go shopping for some props, since weāre here at the mall. Do you know whoās coming yet?ā
I scratch my head,Ā ānot really.ā
Truthfully, thereās only one person I hope to see there, but it will not happen since heās not here. I wonder what he is doing right now, wherever he is.
.
Itās the weekend, ā and more importantly, itās my birthday todayā , butĀ Iām just feeling blue. Iām throwing a party tonight and invited all of my friends that are in town, and in conclusion, they are coming over any minute now and I need to feel better ASAP before I become a buzzkill. I could lie and tell to myself that I donāt know the reason behind my heavy heart, but I know. Me and Alex havenāt really talked lately. I doubt he even knows itās my birthday, or if he knows I wonder if he cares. It just sucks things have went south between us.
Soon my friends are walking in through the door one by one, holding small gifts or flowers and hugging me, wishing me a happy birthday. They donāt know that the best gift would be if Alex was here, as ungrateful as that sounds. The music is blasting through the speakers, but itās not as loud as the thoughts in my head. This is going to be a long, miserable night if I donāt get it together.
The night goes on and I keep discreetly checking the door and my phone every now and then. I still donāt seem to understand that he wonāt be here. One day he maybe will, if I donāt overthink myself to death by then.
We poured more drinks and even set up a little party game section in the living room, moving the furniture for more space to move and dance around. The more fun we had, the more ungrateful I felt for wanting more from this night, because at least I have my real friends right here with me. How could I ever wish for more? Who else could I count on if not them? I might feel lonely without Alex, but I would be lost if it wasnāt for the people here. Thereās a difference and that tells me everything I need to know.
I can definitely have fun tonight. I can stop holding out my hand for someone who has no intention of taking it if I want to.
I poured myself another drink and to make up for my lack of gratitude so far, I went to turn the music up and got cheers from everyone as response. I do miss him, but I know now it will pass.
.
It was fine until it got to the point of the night when I have had enough to drink to start to feel emotional or sentimental or both and cursing myself for it. A moment when I just want to text someone something risky, especially Alex. Itās a stupid idea, a bad idea even, and just not worth it for me to be so forward on the phone now and then later flinch at the silence he will give me in return.
I still do the bad thing. I go to the bathroom and before I step out again, I type a quick text to him,
āI wish you could be for my birthday tonight :( Itās fun, but would be more fun with you here. 10:55 PM
Now I feel stupid as I stand and watch the text being delivered to him, knowing itās too late to undo the damage. Way to make him feel guilty for not being here and making a fool out of myself in the process too. I know Iām better than this and I donāt like the sides heās seeing of me right now.
I exit the bathroom and my friends tell me we should move this party to a bar. I agree, I have neighbours after all and itās now past 11 PM, meaning we have to quiet down. And so the music stops and tables are being cleared and the lights are being switched off as we leave, but the night is not over for us yet.Ā
Itās a struggle for us to get a ride this late on a weekend, but we eventually manage to get a cab.
As we all finally squeeze in the car, I check my phone. My heart unpleasantly makes a drop to the pit of my stomach like I was on a roller coaster of life when I see a text from Alex;
āHappy Birthdayā and a stupid meme attached to it that immediately makes me smile.Ā
Itās just like the old times happening all over again, like someone rewinded the story of us, when we were able to joke around like this with each other. It feels nice to do it again. Maybe I can finally take my heart down from the shelf I had reserved for him and accept that there is just friendship after everything weāve been through.
I was looking out the window, watching the city lights and busy streets pass us by, while listening to the song on the radio and my friends conversing about what they will order at the bar. Things might not be as good as they used to be with Alex, but at least heās still somewhere out there for me.
I lock my phone and put it away in my bag for good. We will be okay again. Or thatās how Iām trying to distract myself from thinking too much, because I know deep down I miss him bad.
.
At the bar, itās jolly. Iām bubbly like the bubbles in our drinks. Thereās no reason to be sad anymore, as long as I remember to forget. We dance the night away, we take more pictures, and buy all the fancy drinks. I know itās a one-way ticket to temporary happiness, but Iām planning on staying for as long as I can.Ā
I get up to go and order another drink, and my friend comes along to tug at my clothes. I figure they are just too drunk to support themselves, until I notice their eyes wide as a deerās in headlights and they shriek in my ear,Ā āoh my God, I think I just saw him!ā
āWho?ā I cringe at their volume.Ā
They stammer and wave their hands frustratedly, already having trouble expressing themselves due to being under the influence,Ā āAlex!ā
My heart sinks.
āHeās not here, heās home! Weāre literally not even in the same country right now,ā I try to get them to calm down, before someone else intervenes. I understand that this isnāt a good look on us here, them all over the place, freaking out.
āYou ordering?ā the bartender asks, seemingly bored of waiting around.Ā
I tell him to hold off a minute and instead escort my friend back to our table. What kind of a sick joke was that anyway?
āIām sorry, Iām so sorryāit looked just like him!ā my friend still slurs their apologies to me.Ā
āOkay, I believe you. Itās okay,ā I coo at them when they look at the verge of tears. What have I started?Ā My brain being occupied with the endless trail of thoughts of Alex all night seems to be contagious. Are we all going crazy? Is this fun anymore?Ā
I donāt know if I even believe them, though. Iām curious who it was, I could imagine itās someone that does not look like Alex the slightest. You know, when you have had too much to drink, anything can look like anything. I admit, the thought of it makes me want to laugh. Itās kind of funny in the end.Ā
āHey!ā someone storms up in front of me.
What now? Oh no, are we in trouble? Was that scene we made too much?Ā
I look up and squint, just to be met with eyes I know I have looked into before. I almost jump out of my skin when they splay a hand across my back.Ā
āI found you! I actually found you!ā they giggle.Ā
And thatās definitely the same laugh I have had the pleasure of hearing before.Ā
Alex?!
I swear I almost fell forward from shock,Ā āwhat? How⦠How?ā
Alex places his arm on mine now and leans in to talk quietly to me, as if he doesnāt want me to miss a word,Ā āwhat does it look like? Okay, I know it looks bad, butā¦ā
I waited for him to say something and still look at him like he is a shooting star passing me by, which seems to amuse him.Ā
āI flew back, to...Ā see you, I guess? Yeah. I have to go back home tomorrow, or so, but then Iāll be back again, okay?ā
None of this is actually making sense like it should. He came all the way here, just for a day, to attend my birthday party? He flew all those hours to see me and has to do it all over again tomorrow?Ā
Iām here standing in place, his hand steadying me. Itās like the world has stopped for us, and itās just waiting for me to make a choice, make a move, say a word, for things to start moving again.
I know heās touching me, but I almost donāt feel it. I can see heās desperately waiting and begging me with his doe eyes to do something, but I canāt quite acknowledge it. Did he make the right choice by showing up here? Just when I felt like I was content leaving things between us unfinished, to never write that chapter, heās bringing everything back.
I know whatever I feel and whatever my choice will be is real, when tears pool in my eyes, that he seems to notice even in the dim lighting, because he starts to move his hand and rub my back again soothingly.
āW-what changed?ā I finally ask him, when I got myself together. Except that Iām now crying, great.Ā
He looks surprised that I want to have this talk right here, right now, but then tells meĀ āI wanted to see you, and I want to see what life could be with you. You know, if we take the next step.āĀ
In spite of everything, in this moment, I feel it in my soulĀ and heart that I need him in my life, in any way it works out, but even better if itās in a way we havenāt explored before. Or is it?Ā
āDonāt overthink it,ā he reassures me, as he can sense the distress Iām in,Ā āletās make the most out of these few days and see what happens.ā
I nod,Ā āthat sounds... perfect.ā
He laughs lightly,Ā and pulls me finally in a tighter hug and sways us back and forth. I could spend the rest of my night here.Ā
My friends are quiet behind us, trying to mind their own businessās, but of course they are curious too, looking at us and then looking away when I try to catch their eyes. I donāt even want to know how dramatic I look, with tears rolling down my chin, pouting my lips.Ā
I guess I have to introduce Alex to them now, kind of. Iām sure they already know him.Ā
He stands there right by my side as my friends pipe up their āhiā, making sure to say hello to everyone back.Ā
I canāt help myself, but only look at him with stars in my eyes. How charming he is towards everyone, not losing that smile on his pretty face even for one second and raising his eyebrows in surprise every time he tries to memorize a new name. Itās kind of an⦠attractive look. I should stop.Ā
None of my friends still have no idea that there is something going on between us. To them, we are just friends, good friends. But just between me and Alex, we both know now there is something more brewing.Ā
Iāll tell them in my own time. Nothing gets out, until Iām ready for them to know. And this barĀ doesnātĀ seem like the ideal place to drop such scoop. Iām sure we all want to be sober for that conversation, too.Ā
āSorry, I have to go and lock my car doors. I got out in a rush when I was looking for you and feel like Iām getting robbed right fuckinā now as we speak,ā he whispers to me and laughs.
I smile at him, until my smile falls,Ā āyour car? I mean, yeah, of course, but how did you even find me? How did you knew I was here? How did you knew to drive here, out of all places?ā
He just mysteriously grins from ear to ear,Ā āso many questions, but how could I not know? Thatās all youāve been posting and I can still see your Snapchat location, you know? I knew it would come in handy one day.ā
It dawns on me,Ā āoh, right.ā
I never even thought of that possibility. Heās a hundred steps ahead of me in thinking. Props to him.Ā
I let him go and as he disappears for a minute, itās already enough time for me to start missing him. I lived all this time without him, and now even a second is too long without him. Love is impatient. I want him only to myself. Love is selfish. Iām talking about love like itās been here the whole time. Love is blind.Ā
I want to cry again. Iām not sure if they are happy tears this time. Iām happy, because heās here, but it also fills me with a heavy feeling, because I canāt exactly celebrate and smother him with love here in public like I want to. I need to be careful of every word and action with him in front of my friends. Hearts arenāt meant for cages and chains, and thatās what mine feels like right now, locked up and tortured. Misused. Might as well not have one.Ā
No one at the table says anything. I guess they are either still drunk and ready to go home, or just flabbergasted. Iām both. Mostly the latter. I feel almost completely sobered up.Ā
Before I can hold myself back, I tear up again. Iāll just blame this on the drinks, or him, or me, or my friends. All of it is overwhelming.Ā
My said friends immediately gather around me to comfort me and in chorus ask me whatās wrong. I almost want to say everything is wrong, but thatās not true.
āAre you just going to make yourself cry more and not tell us whatās happening?ā they push me to talk and huddle around. It makes me crack.Ā
I choke out and sniffle, speaking no matter how much my voice breaks, āheās just so great, you guys, like⦠you see him now and heās so kind and amazing, right? But once you actually get to know him like I do, heās incredible.āĀ
I canāt pick my head up anymore from where itās buried in my hands, but I can tell by the loud silence that thereās confusion in the air, until my friend snaps back to reality and is the first to ask me what Iām sure everyone else is thinking,Ā ābut⦠this is a good thing, right? Happy tears?ā
Others agree to the question, waiting to hear the confirmation of their conclusions from me. Safe to say, they are surprised at my outburst, but still supportive.
I hiccup,Ā āI guess...ā
Now I just feel like leaving it at that, if they canāt figure it out themselves that Iām not happy with the way things are. I donāt want to talk about it anymore. I got some of it off my chest and thatās it. No more spoilers.Ā
āYouāve cried a lot tonight, on your birthday too! Are you sure youāre okay?ā another friend asks.Ā
I settle for silence and silent weeping for a little longer, until I croak out, āI feel like I have never felt like this about anything, or anyone, before like I feel about him. Thereās so much emotion, as you can tell. And Iāweāthere are some feelings involved, has been for a while now. I like him, he likes me. He wants to try toāI donāt knowāsee if we could be more than friends. Thatās why he came here tonight.ā
Shit. Before I can stop myself, I have spilled the secret. This is bad.Ā I can still feel my cheeks burning under the stream of tears and I donāt see an end to it. I have to get it together though, before Alex gets back. Which should be any second now, by the way.
I donāt even know if heās okay with this information being out. I donāt even know if thatās true. What if it doesnāt work out in the end and he leaves the country again as just a friend?Ā
I try to wipe my eyes before he comes back.
āItās okay! I mean, wow, I never saw this coming, and judging by your reaction, you didnāt either, but sometimes it just happens like that, when you least expect it,ā my friends are immediately there for me.
āIām sorry I kept this from you, itās just really scary for me that you guys know now. And itās a big deal.ā
When Alex finally, or at a perfect time, comes back when I look decent again, everyone fortunately acts the same as before. I donāt think he even notices that Iāve been shedding tears again. In any other situation Iād feel hurt, but now itās for the better. At least I donāt think he notices, when he smiles at me and makes the move to put his arm around me to be cute, but holds himself back and instead asks me if Iām okay.Ā
We stay for one more round of drinks and I comprehend that he hasnāt wished me a happy birthday yet. Maybe thereās a time and place for that later.
When the night actually comes to an end and everyone has an assigned ride home, Alex gets close to me again and asks me, āso, uhādo you want me to drop you off at home?ā
āYeah. Iād like that.ā
He gentlemanly opens the car door for me and waits for me to climb in, until getting in from his side. Before he even considers driving off, he looks at me and daringly caresses my cheek with his soft fingertips, āhey. Happy birthday. I didnāt tell you yet andāā
He checks the time.
āāitās past midnight, but fuck it. Itās still your birthday, donāt listen to the clock.ā
We laugh in the dark car and I give him my most sincere thank you.Ā
āSo, about your presentā¦ā
I examine his face, and how it turns smug, and tell him, āa present? I think you coming here was enough. What could be better than that?ā
Iām surprised when he stillĀ doesnātĀ start the car, but pulls his hand back a little bit just to use his thumb to swipe it slowly across my lower lip and murmurs, āno, no, nothing like that. Thereās really only one more thing that I could give you.āĀ
āWhat is it?āĀ
Alex tilts my chin up, his eyes not leaving my lips, āI think you know. Do you trust me?ā
Oh⦠I think I do know what he means.Ā
I gulp as he gets closer, āI do.ā
This is not the first time we kiss, but itās the first time we do it when we know the feeling is mutual and this could become a recurring thing. As our lips mash and do their thing together, his warm fingertips slips under my the hem of my shirt just a little, to test the waters. I let him twiddle with the material and claim every inch of my skin.Ā
āWhat time will I see you tomorrow?ā I mumble drunkenly against his greedy lips. Not on the drinks at the bar, but drunk on love, or whatever it is. Itās more than lust what we feel.
He retreats himself and the moment is gone,Ā āwhat makes you think weāll see each other again?ā
I look at him confused.Ā
He fiddles with my hands that he has draped over his lap and continues, āwhat if we never say goodbye tonight? If⦠you want to stay the night at mine?ā
Whatās the worst that could happen, why not? Now that things between us are finally moving, I donāt want them to stop.Ā
I agree and his delicious, cherry-red lips curl into a smile, while an awed look swims in his pupils. He looks as gone as I feel.Ā
He finally reaches out to turn the engine key and the car purrs to life. I lean my head against the window and watch the sleeping city pass by. The empty streets void of people while we cruise is like a vision of a dream, like itās just us two in the world tonight. Speaking of, in what world did today happen? This doesnāt feel like the same world I used to struggle in, living feels and comes as easy as breathing now with him.Ā
We drive and drive, until the scenario changes to something I recognize. We must be close to his apartment. From here I can see the park bench where we had that talk a while ago, when we agreed on staying as friends and he kind of broke my heart for the first time when he told me he needed time, and there was no certainty of anything. The place sparks up unpleasant memories in me.Ā
He seems to notice it too and taunts me,Ā āyou want to sit there? Reminisce with me a little bit?ā
āIf you do that Iāll break up with you!ā slips out of my mouth. My big, stupid mouth. Canāt take my big, stupid mouth anywhere these days. Never in a million years I should have said that.Ā
āI mean⦠I donāt know what I mean,ā I finally admit when heās fallen silent. I really donāt know. We never said the D-word, dating, again since that day at the park, ironically. Not until now. We havenāt even established that, thereās no label on us that says we are exclusive. Thatās a talk for another day.Ā
Alex finally opens his mouth and laughs,Ā āI think you do. I know what that meant. You will break up with me.ā
As he recalls those words back to me, I cringe so hard at myself.Ā
āNo, seriously. I didnāt mean it like that,ā I try to save face. Just when we agreed to take these few days slow, I go and announce it to him that in my head we are a couple. Leave it to me to mess up this bad.Ā
āI mean,ā he seems to be enjoying putting me on the spot like this,Ā āI donāt know how many ways there are to break up with someone.ā
I sink into the seat, trying to be hide in plain sight. I hope he would let it go, but I know he wonāt. Especially whenĀ he lays his hand on my thigh while driving with the other. Now we must look like a couple. A couple of pining people, if nothing else.Ā
āNow you want to get shy?ā he asks,Ā āwould you still feel as shy if I said I kind of donāt want to wait anymore either?ā
āWith what?āĀ
He doesnāt even hesitate to speak and also doesnāt let go of me, but still holds my thigh in place, āfuck it, letās make it official. I mean, correct me if Iām wrong, but you want me as much as I want you. I want you in a way that allows us to be together. So, what do you say?ā
My face gets hot. Itās what he does to me when heās this blunt.Ā
āI would love that,ā I let out a breath I didnāt realize I was holding in. I have a feeling these four words will be the most important ones I will ever say.Ā
He smirks, āgreat! UhāI would love to make this more romantic and shit, butā¦ā
āYou did this, technically, on my birthday, so I think itās pretty romantic and great already. And I think itās kind of us to just be spontaneous. It was perfect.ā
He parks the car, āwith the way youāre throwing all this praise my way, are you sure you can wait until weāre out of the car before you jump my bones?ā
I try to duck my head down to hide my face, but he leans in and presses a single, seductive peck on the side of my jaw, before winking at me and exiting the car, before hurrying to my side to open the door for me.Ā I am definitely falling.Ā
.
āSo, thatās how we got here,ā I tell his friends in the kitchen, the luminous afternoon glow radiating through the window, illuminating our faces. Ever since the night when weāin his words, made it officialāthings have gone great. He had to leave the day after, but then eventually came back home from Mexico and told me heās here to stay. So, life is sweet. Itās all like a dream, but the only difference is that Iām awake.Ā
What it comes to his friends: Karl, Punz and Foolish especially, the night I blacked out wasnāt thankfully the first and the last time I saw them. I had another chance of redeeming myself. Weāve hung out as a group a few times, like we are currently doing, and they are dying to know how exactly did we end up here.Ā
And, I am glad to tell them. Over and over again, as many times as they want to listen.Ā
I get up to walk to the fridge to fetch a drink, and notice Alex standing in the kitchen, preparing me a snack I didnāt ask for, but know I need. Heās sweet like that, making sure I eat and offers to make me something whenever he can tell I donāt have the energy to make it myself. Itās scary, how well he knows me already, but I can say the same about him. I think thatās how you know you have found your person.Ā
Alex purposely gently nudges and bumps me, just as I walk past him, āoh! Woah! IsĀ this like our love story? Like in the old days?ā
It takes me back to when we used to do that.Ā
He seemed to be finished with the dishes and stepped to his right where I was, and our bodies had another collision, I think this being the worst one yet. Like weāre used to it already and know the route out of the awkwardness, we just laugh it off. I donāt understand what the universe is trying to tell me to do right now, because it seems like every move I decide for myself to make is wrong.Ā
I understand now that the wait is over why it had to happen. It was painfully awkward to even look at him afterwards, but I would do it all over again if it meant that we would still have our happy ending.Ā
āOh, shut up!ā I scold him through my smile and in return, push him back with my hand.Ā
He grabs the hand Iām holding out and pulls my whole body against his instead and tells me he will never stop, pulling me into a kiss to seal the deal.Ā He belongs with me, and there's never a day when he doesn't make me feel the same.
AHHH its been so long since ive got a notif from you, im glad to see you back !!
OMG hi! Thanks so much for sticking with me, I'm so happy to know there are people like you still out there who were waiting for me to come back, seriously :') I hope you are doing well š„ŗ!
It's meee and no, I didn't forget about you guys! To keep it short, I've had some of the hardest 5 or so months of my life due to personal issues and it drained me physically and mentally, but I'm okay! I have still been writing stuff, that will hopefully be out soon. I'm currently in the middle of writing a VERY EXCITING Reader x Quackity strangers to lovers one-shot. It's gonna be sooo good, hope you will like it too. Anyway, I know there's been some stuff going on in the fandom (yep, D & Q), and I am not taking sides whatsoever, but I thought about keeping things here as they've always been and write for Dream as well, at least for a little while. I have this Reader x Dream friends to lovers one-shot that I've been working on too, actually been working for it the past 6 months or so, (Awkward! I had the worst writer's block!) and really want to finish it, and I will. After that, we'll see what happens! Like I said, I'm absolutely not taking any sides, but I wish to keep writing like before, even if it also includes Dream. I just feel creative again after a long while of not doing anything here. What do you guys think?
Hey! I just wanted to say that I love how much detail you go into with your works! It makes my day!
Awwww thanks so much! š„¹ I really like being able to go out of my way to make everything as realistic as possible, or put a lot of thought into how I would imagine everything happening realistically, and so I really appreciate hearing how much it shows in my work and that you are enjoying reading it for those specific reasons, thank you š„¹!!!!! Have an absolutely wonderful day you lovely human being <3
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A/N: I write for Foolish and Punz now too, everybody cheered! Hereās some (really specific, too!) headcanons on how they would act when reaaallyyy crushing on someone⦠Any way, please keep sending me requests! May take a while for me to write them, but hey, Iāve been feeling really excited about writing lately š«¶š» My next, or one of my next, uploads will be a full-length little fiction piece of Dream having a crush, sooo weāll continue with this crush theme⦠š
DREAM:
If you were a streamer yourself, heād definitely gift subs on each stream of yours. Letās be real, he wouldnāt settle for 20 gifted subs, make it a 100. Sometimes heād donate and attach messages with them such as āhey nice stream you got thereā or just straight up ā(sugar) daddy dream is hereā. UM, RIP CHAT. AM I RIGHT? Knowing him, itād be an unnecessarily large amount of money, but he just wants to see the stunned look on your face and hear you thank and praise him for his generosity like no other. Manās smiling so hard at himself and feeling a little prideful for being able to spoil you like that, in front of thousands of people watching too, and thinking if only he could spoil you as more than a friend.
Giving you piggyback rides! Or more like demanding to give you piggyback rides⦠Dream would give off such cocky energy when heād get to carry you on his back, though. Like you were royalty and he was your carriage. I can just imagine him walking around piggybacking you and someone asking him for a favor, to which heād reply āIād love to but Iām kinda busy here, and my hands are kinda full soā¦ā and gesture at you on his back and his hands supporting you. Youād hurrily try to climb off of him, to which heād just yelp a little āno!ā and then proceed to throw you a reassuring smile over his shoulder, silently telling you he likes having you so close to him.
Yeah so, those little acts of service are it for him. Heād feel the urge to spoil you, as stated before, and this side of him would strongly come out if you ever were to shop with him around. If you ever wanted to even look at an item, you better do it quick and not let him see. Because the moment he sees you looking a little too hard at or twiddle with something youāre considering buying, he strides over to you and starts asking āyou want it? āCause if you want it, itās yoursā and you can already see him taking out his credit card. And before he even gives you time to think, he has already bought it for you. Damn, heād buy the whole store for you in a heartbeat if you asked. So, better not even joke about it to himā¦
You know the really cheesy move guys pull when they yawn and stretch and lift up their arm and then put it over their crushesā shoulder? I feel like Dream would be so guilty of attempting that, successfully attempting that. Heād make it super playful though, he doesnāt want to scare you away, in case you wouldnāt feel the same way about him. After successfully getting his arm around you, heād blissfully sigh āah! This is nice, or what?ā
Heād make playlists, for himself. And theyād be public for everyone to see. Nothing weird about that, right? Or at least at first, there was nothing exceptional about them, or so did everyone thought, until later a few fans pointed it out that, maybe coincidentally, the first letters of each track spelt out your name. Totally not a coincidence for Dream, even though thatās what he tells to the curious public: itās all a coincidence. He wouldnāt be afraid to make his crush on you obvious to the world. Because no one would know just how serious he was about it, instead heād just play it off as playful banter between two close friends. Itād be just for him to know that he did it out of true affection. Maybe someday for you to know as well, he hopes. But for now, he settles for playing it cool and laughing off the people online freaking out.
Even more of being close to you. Like in forms of giving you massages. Yep. Heād sneak up behind you and just start massaging your shoulders. In a totally friendly way. Or so he hopes it seems like, because again, he doesnāt want to scare you away. So a friendly massage. And who are you to turn down a free massage? And so heās massaging away and relishing in getting to be close to you again. Heād get super into it though and probably make a few dramatic āOhh! Ahh! Oh yeah!ā sound effects of his own. Heād ask you then āyou feel good now?ā You know damn well that Sapnap would fight the urge to ask Dream does he like making you feel good.
SAPNAP:
Congrats, now that heās (still secretly) hardcore crushing on you big time, you have a hype man of your own (thatās him). If it came to video games and watching you play them, heād (sometimes lewdly) comment on every move youād make in the game, such as āyouāre so fucking good at that. You know what being around a good player, whoās also hot, does to meā, heād scream āYEAH!ā a little too loud whenever youād win. Others hearing it will point out his constant praise with a āyeah, we get it alreadyā to which heād mumble a quiet āshut upā and bite back a smile. Like Dream, he just wants to like you loud and proud, but not give it away that heās actually being serious and doing more than just platonic flirting. He also finds you being skilled attractive, no matter how small the said skill is. Even when it comes to mundane things, heās still rooting for you. It could be something as simple as cooking with him and his need to praise you would get triggered by something as simple as you working a blender perfectly. Yeah⦠He cheers and claps when youāre done blending and then explains himself when you question what got him so excited, ān-no, nothing, itās just that, that can be pretty tough, yāknow? Especially avoiding spillage. Dream usually doesnāt know how to do it the right way so-ā āYes, I do!ā Dream would interrupt and yell from the living room. Sapnap just hopes he shuts up so he doesnāt blow his cover. He knows that Dream knows damn well how to use the blender, but in his eyes youāre just superior at everything, so even if it takes throwing Dream under the bus to make you feel superior, heāll do it.
Okay, so, he loves praising you but he also likes hearing you praise him. Heād trick you into it though by asking you questions such as ādonāt I just look so good today?ā or ādo you like this new hoodie I bought?ā Youād have no choice than to agree and tell him that yes, he looks nice. It literally has himĀ falling asleep with a smile on his face that night, wishing that the more you tell him that, the more youāll also convince yourself that he is indeed pretty cute, and hot, and handsome, and all that. Heād do anything to convince you that heās the most handsome thing youāll ever see.Ā
God help him if youād ever talk to him about someone other than him, any other guy. Yeah, his heart would break a little, but itād also make him super competitive and, well, petty as hell. You could even harmlessly compliment Karl and heād instantly get into aĀ ābut Iām betterā mood. And thatās also exactly what heād ask you,Ā ābutĀ heās not as cute as me, right?ā Youād be taken back a little and tell him thatĀ āI think thereās no reason for that,ā which should be enough to reassure him and his petty mood, but heād just pout and grunt backĀ āweāll see about that.ā He canāt sometimes stand anyone else than him hearing those compliments from you, especially if he was in a grumpy mood to begin with. Talking about compliments, heād also learn any skill just to impress you. And to be better than everyone else.Ā Simp behaviorā¦
Heād also be sooo whiny. Heād use that whiny tone to convince you. Trying to convince you to stay over at his house for a little longer. Or trying to convince you in voice call to play one more round of a game with him on stream when youād have million of other important things to do instead. Heād talk in that tone only for you, but he wouldnāt really care if others heard him. Usually if any of the boys would hear him, theyād definitely gag at his sweet talk. All in good fun, of course. If you were to deny him and his attempt to get you to join his team for just one more round, he wouldnāt stop whining for the majority of the stream nor the call. 30 minutes later and you can still occasionally hear hisĀ voice whining,Ā āwhyyyyy? But why would you sayĀ ānoā? Pleaseeeee....ā aaand cue to Karl gagging.Ā
Sapnap would be so slick when it comes to spending more time with you, or initiating to spend more time with you. Heād ask youĀ āhey, do you remember when we went to that arcade?ā and youād be a mess of confusion because, you have never been to an arcade with him, so youād tell him with a nervous laughterĀ āno? I donāt think that ever happenedā to which heād smirk at you and sayĀ āwell, should we make it happen?ā And thatās how he took to you an arcade. And to many other places. He pretends theyāre dates. But shh, thatās a secret. He wouldnāt want to ruin a great friendship. He just hopes you like the slick ones if he ever was to ruin it.
Letting you borrow his hoodie and then claiming that you can keep it when you try to give it back to him? YES. This actually would happen with a couple of his hoodies. Very gentleman-y of him. You wouldnāt even have time to finish your sentence about how cold it is outside, when he already is handing you his hoodie. Youād go through the bickering back and forth of him insisting that you put it on and that heāll be fine without it, that heās not cold at all, and you telling him that he doesnāt need to give it to you. He knows he doesnāt, but he wants to. So let him, please. Let him enjoy the cute view (he secretly enjoys) of you in his clothes. Later on he then tells you toĀ ājust keep itā, because he hasĀ āplenty of hoodies anyway.ā Oh boy, he just hopes you wear it around him sometimeā¦
Sooo quick to defend you. Sometimes itād be a little unnecessary how strongly heād react, but he feels that itās now (that heās absolutely smitten by you) in his blood to defend and protect you from anything that could make you feel bad about yourself. It could be something as simple as someone pointing out that you bite your nails as a bad habit and Sapnap would open his mouth and tell themĀ ābro, stop. Leave them alone.ā Everyone would be a little stunned and tell him to calm down, to which heād mutterĀ āyeah, whateverā, but no, he wouldnāt let himself calm down just yet. For the remaining of the day heās on high alert, ready to defend you some more.
GEORGE:
My God, heād get so giggly and blushy around you. Heād definitely argue back that no, he doesnāt, but he does. Just hearing you laugh, heād start laughing and giggling along, even when heād have no clue whatās so funny and what exactly it is that youāre laughing at. And the blushing! If anyone was to point out the blush on his cheeks, heād just shake his head, roll his eyes and assure that no, his face is not red (while he is visibly red). At his weakest, he wouldnāt even be able to look at your way without blushing. How much longer exactly will he be able to hide his feelings like that?
Sometimes when heād feel extremely bold and brave, heād take things to Twitter. Or someone would do it for him. What I mean is that, George would look up or come across a video of letās say, two cats cuddling or kissing, or whatsoever, and tag you and tweetĀ āMe and you?ā Twitter has a meltdown. Meltdown is an understatement. Maybe heād get cold feet almost immediately and delete it before too many people would see it. (Too bad that thereāll still be hundreds of screenshots of it.) Sometimes someone else like Sapnap would instead tag you and George in a similar tweet and sayĀ āthis @y/n and @GeorgeNotFound???ā Yeah, you may be blind to the massive crush George has on you, but Sapnap isnātā¦
Filming totally pointless TikToks with him... Yeah, theyāre pointless and itās his ideas that usually are just causing confusion amongst anyone watching them. Thereās no plot, just vibes. But he canāt ignore how happy and comfortable he feels with you even on camera, even when youāre doing some stupid TikTok dances. And in a way, he also gets to show off your friendship, he wishes it was more than friendship, to the world. So yeah, most of the time they were spontaneous clips that weāre just filmed in the heat of the moment, a little humorous, definitely chaotic. What anyone watching would see on the screen is just two friends hanging out and having fun, but itās totally different from what he feels. And he totally plays them back and watches them alone afterwards, smiling at his phone, smiling at you on his screen. And then checking you out a little bit too, āwowā¦ā
Sure, heās able to gently joke around with you, but then somehow end up feeling a little bad for it. He could offer you a snack and ask youĀ āyou want this?ā and when youād say yes, instead of feeding it to you, heād instead eat it himself and laugh at youĀ āhah! You canāt have it!ā Soon heād start feeling bad for you, even though there definitely was no harm done with that little prank, but he feels bad enough to go above and beyond to get you your own snacks that no one can steal away from you, not even him. Heād present them to you with a āwoo-o! Look what I have!ā and wow, heād be so red in the face again when you stare at him with your mouth agape in surprise and ask him āyou did this⦠for me?ā
Whenever someone in the room told a joke, heād always look at you first to see your reaction, your smile, your laugh in response. Thatās such an adorable little habit he has formed now that he has a crush. For him, seeing you happy and content comes first. Heād also laugh at pretty much anything youād say. Maybe itās nervous laughter, for how he always feels a bit nervous around you. You could be saying the most normal things, such asĀ āI took a walk today,ā and heād burst out laughing at that. Yeah, donāt even ask... He thinks laughter is the way to your heart, as dramatic as it sounds.
But heād also have that side of him to be loud and⦠annoying around you. Maybe itād be to keep your attention on him, to keep him on your mind at all times, even when heās not with you. So heād find the most bizarre ways to find his way into your days. Like, prank calling you out of nowhere. Heād call you and when youād pick up, heād just scream down the phone and then hang up. So romantic⦠But then heād get you to call him back, to ask him if he has something to actually tell you, and then manage to keep you on the phone for an hour, just chit-chatting about nothing in particular. After youād tell him that you have to go, heād shriek at you ānooo! But I am so bored! Donāt leave me die of boredom! And what would you do without me then, hmm? Whatās even more important to you than talking to me right now? Are you scheming to get rid of me? āCause you wonāt!ā
Heād usually turn to you for advice, he really trusts you to not screw him over. I mean, why wouldnāt he? Youāre a savior and an angel in his eyes. You could give him the worst advice and heād still blindly follow it, just because itās advice that came from you. And in his eyes, you could never be wrong about anything. He could text you āshould I get a haircut?ā and youād tell him āsure but itās really up to you?ā and yeah, he knows itās up to him but at least he got an opinion from you so he just texts you back āyeah I guess :]ā. You best believe that he goes ahead and gets the haircut, that you technically agreed with, and only hopes you like it.
KARL:
WhenĀ Karl is crushing on you, heād be genuinely offended if you did stuff without him. Stuff that usually the two of you would do together, like watch anime, or cartoons. Or any TV -show. Heād ask you if youāve seen the newest episode of an anime youāve both been hooked on that just came out a few days ago, thinking that itād be nice if you could watch it with him, but when youād tell him thatĀ āyeah. I watched it last night,ā heād let out a frustrated sigh and tilt his head back in annoyance and tell youĀ ānooo! I really wanted to watch it with you! Now, why would you do that and watch it without me?ā Of course, he wasnāt actually mad at you, but he was really hoping he couldāve made it your thing to keep up with that anime together. So yeah, heās a little annoyed youād watch it without him. He likes the nights when youāre both cozy on the couch, watching it, commenting on every plot twist. Big sigh.
Heād talk to you, like a lot. Even when there was nothing to talk about. Because, in his (secret) opinion, there is always something to talk about with you. He makes conversations out of anything just to get to talk to you. You could be sitting with him in his room, looking out the window, watching birds fly by and heād just ask youĀ āwhatās your favorite bird?ā and then smile at you like he didnāt just ask the most random question and like he actually doesnāt genuinely seem interested in knowing the answer. Because he does. Well, youād end up talking about birds, flying, nature.... and he is so happy. Because all that matters is that heās talking to you.
Heād insist on making secret handshakes with you, that no one else knows and can learn except than you two, and then feeling so proud about them afterwards. Heād remember them even after a long time, youād ask him how does he still remember and he would just blush and stutter,Ā āI- itās just kind of special. Of course I remember.ā
Okay, so...Ā Fan-fiction. Heād definitely read the fan-fictions people would write about you (there already are shippers out there, even though he has not admitted crushing on you). Maybe thatās adding fuel to the fire when heād read them on stream. Bad idea? Maybe... Heād put so much effort into the reading, making it all feel as real as possible, voice acting to the best of his ability and all. ItĀ makes chat question though, why is he so into it? And why is he giggling every five seconds? Any possible kissing scenes... He would not even skip over them, but instead heād make literal kissing sounds into the mic... Someone stop him.
For some reason, I can imagine him casually showing up when he knows youāre around in a shirt that says something likeĀ āif youāre reading this, I have a crush on youā and look out for your reaction. Well, yeah, you read it, and so did everyone else that talked to him that day. You laughed it off and joked thatĀ āeveryone already knows that heās a homie hopperā and so did everyone else. Heād dream about the day he could eventually confess his crush on you and also tell you that he has actually told you about it way before, and when youād confusingly ask him when did that happen, heād tell you thatĀ āyou read my shirt, that one day when you called me out for being a homie hopper, didnāt you?ā And then itād all click.
Aww, youād get to model for his merch! Heād ask you, no, heād beg you. Is there really anything heād enjoy more than seeing you in his brand new merch, before anyone else sees it? And have those pictures plastered all over his social media accounts and website? No way. Between every shot heād take of you, heād giggle and mutter a littleĀ āperfectā, his eyes gleaming and cheeks blushing.Ā Every minute heād resist the temptation to tell you how perfect you really look, because 1. he doesnāt want to get too sappy now, and 2. he still has a secret to keep... Yeah, heās crushing on you harder than ever after that.
Whenever thereād be a group gathering and not enough seats for all of you... do I even need to say it? This man would immediately get up and give up his seat for you. A few hours later youād call over to him,Ā āKarl, youāve been standing for two hours now. Donāt you want your seat back already?ā and heād shush you with aĀ ānonsense! Iām a big man. Whatās a few hours more!?ā Actually, heād give up on everything to share with you if you needed, like earbuds. Or food. Anything. If nothing, itās always the seat he saves for you or gives up for you.Ā
QUACKITY:
Mostly you would play Minecraft or Roblox with him, if youāre into it. And oh man, heād enjoy that a lot.Ā He would not leave you alone even in the game, heādĀ follow your character around for the majority of it. Youād turn around in the game and boom, heās right there on your tail. Heās actually been there the whole time. When itāsĀ not only you and him, but also other boys in the game and in the voice chat, heād sometimes just... act like it was just the two of us talking. Listen, heās not rude like that, but he just really likes talking to you. You just get him, heād think. And sure, you have a similar sense of humour.Ā He likes. Heād crack so many jokes and funny remarks throughout the whole game. Just trying to be the funniest person in the call for you. Every time someone else, like George, would laugh at his joke that he told to you, heād shut him down with aĀ ābro, the fuck? That joke was obviously meant for (Y/n). You werenāt supposed to get it.ā All in good fun, again. He just likes having his moments with you.
Phone calls! So many phone calls. He just wants to talk to you and hear your voice. Isnāt that sweet? When itās time to hang up, heād tell youĀ āah, Iāll talk to you again soon, okay?ā and youād agree, thinking that heāll call you again in a few days. But he calls you exactly a minute later. Youād pick up and heād excitedly tell youĀ āI said Iāll talk to you again soon, didnāt I?Ā What do you mean this isĀ ātoo soon?āāĀ
Would, gently, make fun of you. This doesnāt come asĀ a surprise to anyone. Maybe heād try turning the tables a little bit, when people online would get a little suspicious of his sudden fondness towards you, heād make it seem like youĀ are actually the one crushing on him, and not the other way. Maybe that would be also a way for him to test the waters a little bit, to see how youād react to the thought of it. Heād just make ridiculous posts online, like tweeting a poll that saysĀ āIs (Y/N) down bad or down good for me ?? Idk about you guys but they seem a little obsessed latelyā or post a picture of the two of you and caption it asĀ āafter this picture was taken (Y/n) told me they like meĀ š³ā (You definitely didnāt and the people online seemed to side with you).
The wordsĀ āI like youā has actually come out of his mouth a few times around you. In a friendly way. He knows he does like you, definitely as friends, but also definitely as more than friends. But for now, liking you as a friend is the most he can do and he wants to seize it. It was when he has done a nice favour for you or given you advice on a tough situation thatās been bothering you, when youādĀ thank him for what he did for you, he would reply with aĀ āyeah, of course. I fucking like you, and care about you, so..ā. It was a friendly reminder and affirmation and thatās how you perceived it. So he does tell you sometimes, not just in a way that itād make you realise he likes you more than as a friend.
So, back to him gently making fun of you, or mocking you, heād imitate you, your gestures. I can imagine heād pull that with any of his friends, but you are definitely not safe from that. Heād know the limits though, heād know not to be too harsh, but you know, from spending so much time with him and the others, youāve kind of grown into it that thereās a lot of joking around and poking fun at each other. Heād also comment on your height, like so much height talk! If you were shorter than him, then bless you, heād love it. Always teasing you, using you as an arm rest or asking if you need a ladder. Or you could be doing absolutely nothing and heād tease you,Ā āwhat? Do I make you nervous? You have a crush on me or something?ā Orrrrr you could accidentally just mispronounce a word and heād never let you live it down. Just reminding you of it and repeating it back to you like a parrot. But, donāt take any offence, itās just his love language.
Heād make over-the-top fan-cams or edits of you, and purposefully make them as ridiculous and exaggerated as possible. Usually heād also include himself in them. Making sure that everyone knows that he is your #1 shipper, but also at the same time not wanting everyone to figure it out that heās gotĀ it bad for you. Heād put them up on Twitter regardless. Youād reply to himĀ āwtf ???ā and heād just reply back to you āšš šā HeādĀ dare to be more bold and confident online. And I know what youāre thinking, Alex shy in real life? Well, around you, yes, a little. But online, heād be thriving, tweeting unhinged things at you, or of you.
He definitely has some gentleman-y in him. Heād express that by, for example, offering to carry your things for you. Youāre carrying a rather heavy looking bag? āIāll take this,ā heād just announce and snatch it out of your hands.Ā You donāt have anywhere to put your phone or keys? Swoop, same thing, but theyād go in his pocket. A few times fans has gotten glimpses of him emptying his pockets for you and handing you back your phone and other little essentials, and it was a pretty adorable sight.
WILBUR:Ā
I mean, the way heād even look at you gives it all away, itād almost be a little intimidating. But he canāt help it. The way he listens to you talk and then smirks at himself, glancing piercingly at you, occasionally glancing down at his lap trying to hide his lovey-dovey smile, trying to collect his thoughts, because God, he thinks you are so adorable. I feel like his eyes can tell more than a million words could. Itās just too bad you havenāt figured out the real emotions behind his eyes.
Heād memorise pretty much every little habit of yours, no matter how little,Ā and then slyly smirk at himself every time heād catchĀ youĀ doing them. One of those days, heāll definitely tell you that he has taken notice of them. Youād be caught off guard and ask himĀ āyou really notice them?ā and there comes that smirk on his face again, as he just nods with a quiet āyeahā and then carries on the conversation like nothing happened. But not without adding on thatĀ āitās really cuteā.
A little cliche, a little predictable, but heād definitely all of a sudden start writing down some new mysterious, a little mushy, song lyrics... Heād run them by you and ask if theyāre any good, youād then end up asking him the important question,Ā āwho is it about?ā (because, how could you not ask when itās literally a love letter in form of a song?) and heād sigh and say itās aboutĀ āunrequited loveā. Youād leave it at that, not wanting to intrude too much, since he looks and sounds so vulnerable. HeāllĀ wish you wouldāve intruded a little more though, since he literally wrote it about you, his crush! He just doesnāt leave it at one song, but writes a couple of them. All of them about you. He dreams of being able to play them at a gig, with you in the audience, telling you theyāre all about you right before going on stage... Someday, he sighs.
As a person, and especially as a person whoās really crushing on you, he would be keen on sharing every little detail with his family and close friends. So, some of his family and friends would be aware of how he feels towards you. He trusts them not to spoil the secret and hey, he could never keep his mouth shut when it comes to talking about you anyway. SometimesĀ while hanging out with you, heād keep checking his phone and just smiling at it, occasionally typing long paragraphs, or so it seemed to you. Youād wonder if itās about something you said, or if thereās someone special texting him, someone who he really cares about and really wants to talk to instead. But actually, itād be him blowing up his friendsāĀ phones, telling them how adorable youāre being right now. Heād be doing the whole keyboard smash thing as well. Thatās how gone he isĀ for you.
Boom, his energy and happiness levels would suddenly rise whenever youāre in the room. Heād feel super playful too, like sneaking up behind you and then whisper ābooā in your ear in a low tone, trying to playfully frighten you, and when youād turn around to face him, youād come face to face with the brightest eyes and smile youāve ever seen. Heās like the happiest heāll ever be when heās around you.Ā No matter how many times he has already done that, he does it almost every time he catches you alone in the room. It had almost became your thing now. Youāve learned not to get as frightened anymore as you used to, and he has learned how much he really likes getting to come so close to youĀ and getting a reaction out of you, whether itād be you scolding him for scaring you again or laughing at his antics.Ā
Strumming something on his guitar for you. I know, again, very cliche, very cheesy, very romantic, very predictable of him, but no, he doesnāt do that just for anybody. But youāre very special. (Even though you donāt know how special yet).Ā And to spice things up a bit, heāll make it a little more lighthearted, heād literally play you memes, or vines. Yeah, for example, you know thatĀ āI love you bitch, I aināt never gonna stop loving you bitchā vine? Mayyyybe heād replace the wordĀ ābitchā, with some platonic pet name, if he was feeling generous, lol. But yeah, just not to make things seem too serious, heād try to make you laugh with those amusing private performances, and also try to flex a little with his guitar playing, of course. If youād admire him in his element, strumming away on his guitar, a little too much, heād get super cocky and yeah... Cocky Wilbur is a whole different breed.
Everything youād ever feel embarrassed about, heād embrace it. Heād never let you dwell on something embarrassing that happening to you for too long. If youād totally mess up your words, or stumble and fall over, or be caught talking or singing to yourself, heād reassure you that he finds itĀ āvery cuteā and not embarrassing at all. In some situations, if youād mess up and embarrass yourself in front of a lot of people, or in public, heād intentionally mess up with you, just to take the attention away from you and make you feel better about it. Youād fall over? Heād make himself trip too. Youād bump against a glass door? Heāll be right there behind you to walk into it as well. Heād just never let you feel like thereās ever anything worth feeling too embarrassed over and, in his thoughts, how could anyone as adorable as you even be embarrassing? If anything, itās just cute.
FOOLISH:Ā
Oh man, heād be an awkward one at first when heād realize his strong feelings towards you, but he does get a lot smoother with time. And, heās trying his best, okay.
Heād also be someone who would find it very important to make you laugh lots, be an entertainer just for you. Because he doesnāt think there is anything more attractive than someone heās able to laugh with over the most ridiculous things, things that always wouldnāt even make sense to others. And yeah, also seeing you laugh is attractive to him, even more attractive if youāre laughing at a joke he made.Ā Basically just whenever youād be hanging out, itād be an ongoing urge for him: must make you laugh. Sometimes itād be himĀ just squatting down to your level and starting to make random noises in your ear. Thatās literally his sense of humour... And itād be even more hilarious for him, if youād do the same back to him. The most random noises he could think of, chirping, squeaking, beeping.... anything. Or suddenly starting up a game of tag with you, running around chasing each other, and the only way to tag each other was to tickle them. Heād squeal and wiggle like a worm when you would tickle him.Ā Itās always something silly with him...
Protective Foolish would suddenly become a thing when heād realize his feelings for you, and also realize that thereās nothing more he wants to do than protect you and your feelings. Keep you away from anything or anyone that could make you feel even a little uncomfortable, or hurt. His way of protecting and defending you would be just a chunk of sarcasm coming out of his mouth. Heād turn sarcastic any time when heād feel like itās time to protect you. If there was someone badmouthing you,Ā heād put on the most spiteful face you could think of and with his voice dripping with sarcasm, heādĀ ask themĀ āis it so? Is that what you think, now? Was there a little shit talking there, or what?ā You couldĀ tell that itās okay, that he doesnāt need to do this, but he wouldnāt give up.Ā Heād be so intimidating, with his tone and height and all, that he could get an apology out of anyone. And he usually does get the people badmouthing you to apologize to you, while Foolish just stands there with his arms crossed examining that itās a genuine apology, feeling like he has accomplished another mission of his, which is to make sure that in the end your feelings are unharmed.Ā
Now, heād be definitely someone who would mess up his hair a little on purpose, in hopes that you would fix it for him and smother the strands sticking up back in place. Heās so desperate for some touch from you that heād go to such extreme lengths. God forbid if anyone would catch him doing that, heād be so embarrassed. Youād turn around from him for a few seconds, which would give him time to very aggressively ruffle his hair with his hands and when youād look back at him, his hair would suddenly look like itās been through a tornado, and so youād laugh a little and ask himĀ āwhat happened? Whatās going on with your hair?ā and then laugh some more because he looks so ridiculous. Heād chuckle a little bit too, a little out of embarrassment, because he still canāt believe himself for the things heās doing just to have you touch him and pay a little extra-attention to him. But regardless, he just shrugs and bends down to your level and asks youĀ āI donāt know what happened? What? Is it bad? Fix it for me?ā and youād be a little taken aback because, did he really just ask you to do that? But of course youād agree to it.Ā
Every little thing or favour youād do for him, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem to you, heād appreciate the heck out of them, and you. Because, was there a better feeling for him than having the person he truly, genuinely likes, to be willing to help him out with anything? Heād thank you a trillion times, and a trillion more if he could. Something as simple as you turning on the coffee machine for him, heād tell youĀ āseriously, thank you. That helped me like, a tons. It saved my day,ā and youād giggle and reply to himĀ āyouāre welcome. But all I did was just press a button.ā He wouldnāt have that belittling, so heād be a little more dramatic just for you and proceed to tell you how much easier it made his day,Ā āno, like seriously, that was the best thing you couldāve ever done for me.ā Okay, then.
A crushing Foolish would be so sweet that heād totally blew off his other plans to be with you instead. Youād know that heās been looking forward to seeing this movie with a couple of his friends that one night, but when heād become aware of how you have no plans for that night, heād declare how heād rather spend the night with you anyways. Youād tell him that āFoolish, you donāt really have to do this. I thought you were supposed to go the mov-?ā and heād interrupt you ānow, thatād a silly thing for me to do, I donāt know why youāre thinking like Iād leave you alone. Thatās crazy thinking right there.ā And so, youād just settle for smiling coyly at him and accepting that heās not going anywhere, and that for some reason (thatās still unclear to you), heād even blow off his friends for you. And heād do it over and over again. And he does.
PUNZ:Ā
Ouch, heās a tough one to get to. But once you breakthrough the walls and the sort of intimidating facade he has, he is all soft for his crush.
Usually heād be a little reserved and keep to himself, maybe a little closed off. But whenever youād be around, itās a whole different thing. He has never smiled so much than he did that one day when you hung around, and it didnāt go unnoticed by the other boys who were also there. Karl would text you about it after you had all gone home and ask youĀ āWhat did you to punz ?? This man wonāt stop cheesinā and Quackity as well would text youĀ āpunz today be likeĀ āššāā. Youād make him happy, youād just make him love life, just purely by existing and especially when youād exist in his presence.Ā Heās also extra observant around you, and so youād catch him looking at you a lot. Heād just rest his chin on his hand and not take his eyes off of you. Youād wonder if thereās something wrong, something on your face perhaps, by the intense way heās staring at you, but no, heās just admiring. So let him.
Every picture of himself heād consider posting on social media, heād send them to you first and ask you āu like??ā. Kind of like a test run. Heād do it ritually almost each time, but if you ever were to call him out for it, asking how come youāre the one he sends them to, heād claim that itās just all a coincidence. Sure is...Ā But you better reply back to him as soon as you can, or he would start feeling a little insecure and think if you really like them, because if you do, why havenāt you replied yet? Itās been 20 seconds. Yeah, so, heās a little clingy too.Ā He just wants to talk to you as much as possible, have you see as much of him as possible, from all of his best angles as well, and maybe fish for a few compliments? Maybe. After youād reply to himĀ āyes, itās goodā, heād text you backĀ ānice. now your turnā, and youād ask him that itāsĀ your turn for exactly what? Heāll tell you then that itās only fair that you send him a picture of yourself too in that exact moment. And so, it kind of really then becomes a whole ritual that after approving of his picture, you send him one back with a thumbs up or something.
Unlike with anyone else, now that he has taken a massive liking towards you, heād actually share his food with you. And thatās major. Or, even more major and better, heād sometimes get you food without you even having to ask, or even without mentioning that youāre hungry. Heād order takeaway for himself, or so youād think, but heād then turn up with an extra large portion of food and youād ask himĀ ādamn, are you feeding the whole town?ā Heād chuckle a little and then casually tell you thatĀ ānah, itās um, itās for you.ā At that, you couldāve fallen off your seat. Letās call itĀ his love language to serve you even when you donāt ask for anything.
This man, he would sometimes not show up to plans if you werenāt there. Heād tell his friends that he is only willing to come if youāll be there too. And if they tell him that youāre not going to be there, then, too bad. He simply just wouldnāt come. Any plans that youād make without him, heād call themĀ āboringā andĀ ālameā. Sooo, he only is your good time?
i canāt believe this is my last postā¦ā¦. BEFORE DREAM FACE REVEALS!!!!! GUYS HOW ARE WE HOLDING UP??!!?!?
edit: soā¦.. now what???? this feels like a fever dream, iām gonna fr wake up tomorrow morning and think this was all just me hallucinating. like it doesnāt feel real but this is real life now AHHHH
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YOUR WRITING IS SO FUCKING GOOD, LIKE I'M EATING THAT SHIT UP.!!! ALSO JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE QUACKITY š¤¤š¤¤š¤¤ LIKE GIVE IT TO ME GIVE IT TO MEEEE AHHH ALDO SAPNAP š¤š¤
IāM SO GLAD YOUāRE ENJOYING IT HEHE. I DO AGREE THAT JEALOUS!QUACKITY IS A TRUE CONCEPT!!!!!! THIS IS SOOOO NICE OF YOU AHHH I FEEL HONORED
i. absolutely love your writing. its so good! would you ever do dating Karl hcs?
this request is so old, i literally have no excuse for why iām getting back to this MONTHS later but iāve finally gotten myself together and done karl hcs! thanks for requesting love š«¶š» and thanks for your super-duper nice words!!!!!