a Site

it’s always the same dream with c. we’re touching but we aren’t. we don’t talk. we barely look at each other but I’m painfully aware of them. we’re not in love but the love is still on the surface. along with everything else. they don’t really want anything to do with me and I want to respect this. they’re toeing a line of forgiveness. Makes me want to text them every time. but it wouldn’t be right, I don’t think. I need to reflect on it. the thought of trying to reconnect makes me feel unwell. like this knot where the more I try to untie it the tighter I’m pulling it.

dreamt I was sick and my mom was taking care of me. and then I went to work at the orchard with kevin. I have these feelings for him even though he’s thirty years older than me. It was that intimate moment where he put the harness on me before climbing. and when he drove me around in his car at work. then c and edan and finch and I were all together at someone’s house. c was touching my hand and I felt emotionally nauseous. Then I was looking at buying a house with finch in a little meadow. But it was haunted somehow. Gwyn and Juno and I all left together.

Liz gets an email from Zach. She’s about to have a baby. He says they can meet in person. She doesn’t know if they live in the same city. What do I think it means that he never wrote me back. Wish I knew what he was hoping to make amends for. I remember the two years she spent with him after our first conversation. I was devastated for her. But you have to let that shit play its course.

I try to write about the abortion and cry every time. I can hardly stomach it. The poems make me think I want to have a child. I know that I can’t. How does the grief bury into the heart like this, so deep I don’t feel it until I am digging around. I planted it, of course.

had cait’s birthday party on Friday. went to the local to debut my first song at graduation last night. got hit on on by gill but didn’t realize he was asking for my number till I was at home in bed. thinking about signing up for intermediate course soon. dancing both nights of the weekend felt good.

dreamt me and Nate were stuck in a November 17th time loop just like in On the Calculation of Volume. We found each other and then went our separate ways.

met with graham. told him about the grief and the poisonous anger and the weeping. told him I’m not angry any more, which is true and, sometimes, isn’t. Left no space for him to apologize because I was so afraid he wouldn’t. And so he didn’t and that’s it. It’s over now. I want it to be over, now.