RyanCal's Basecamp

My liege, if you recall, the prophecy stated that you would fall by the hands of your first born son. Yes, I understand that twelve daughters is a very impressive feat, but mayhaps you should consider quitting while you’re ahead?

My liege, you mustn’t be so reckless. If you recall, your prophecy stated “you shall not die by any efforts of man or woman, nor of any material from this land”, and it feels rather pertinent to your most recent decision. Please consider the situation with your father and your brother, and to a lesser extent your 32 younger sisters, and know your prophecy is not one to be neglected. Your father tempted fate and look where that got him. Yes my liege, I do know it was a heart attack that he passed from, but the royal guard directly saw your baby brother reach out towards your father with his hands as he passed. Yes, I know the prophecy would be better stated to say “beside the hand” rather than “by the hand”, I didn’t write the prophecy. No my liege, I mean no disrespect. Yes, I agree, this was a very inappropriate time to discuss your father, and we should go back to the issue at hand. Yes, I do recall that no man or woman may slay you, however, if you think about the prophecy with the context of your newly imported elephant,

My liege, this is hardly the appropriate attire for a hunting trip, especially one to the woods you were forbade from entering. Yes your majesty, I know you are ruler of this kingdom, but if you recall your prophecy- you mock me. I take your safety and fate with the upmost sincerity, and you respond with “mi mi mi mimi”? Please recall your- yes I know what your prophecy states, “your reign shall last until nature itself regains your throne and crown”, I was about to recount it for you. Look my liege, I think this hunting trip is a terrible idea. You are far too clumsy and the forest floor is uneven with roots! If the stairs of the palace or your own feet are enough to cause you to trip, remaining upright may be difficult, and, to put it frankly, falling hitting your head on a rock would hardly a glorious engraving on your tombstone. Please don’t wear the crown on this hunting trip, they’ll know you’re the new queen because of how similar you look to your sister. It’s a prideful act that will only- oh the royal messenger is here. What news do you have? Oh this requires my immediate attention. I will return, my liege. Do not attend that hunting trip in your current attire, though you should consider not going at all.

My liege, I’ve been reviewing some of the royal funding and budgetary records, and a few things have come to my attention. Now, I understand that we have surplus funding in the royal vault as a result of your prophecy, which, if you recall, states that “you will die by a blade not intended for battle, but one that will find it’s way to you in a moment of joy”. I stand by it being a wise decision to keep you away from any activities such as woodworking or cooking, and that the money that would have gone into funding those activities was yours to allocate as you wished, but I suspect I’ve found some errors on the records. Firstly, we have two categories of payments going to the soothsayer; one for living expenses, and one, as I have just discovered, labeled “prophecies”. I suspect that- I beg your pardon my liege? We pay for the prophecies? Why on earth- We’re paying them to not deliver us prophecies, that’s why they live out on the far end of the woods. This doesn’t- Tradition? I understand it’s a tradition my liege, but if we are paying for it to be inconvenient to deliver prophecies, and then paying for the prophecies themselves- Is that why your sister wished to go to the soothsayer in person rather than wait for a letter? She was aware of this? And the rest of your sisters too? My liege, surely you see that it undermines our efforts in preventing prophecies to pay for them. At the very least, one of the payments should be discontinued to improve our financial status. You’re right my liege, this is a very complex discussion that requires more time to process, and I shall “shut up about the soothsayer” as you so eloquently put it. We will be discussing this later. The other issue I came to inquire about was that within the records for the entertainment budget, each performance is listed by name. I once again would like to reiterate that the extra funding for entertainment, while not aligning with my recommendations, is reasonable given the circumstances of your prophecy. However, once again with considerations to your prophecy, “Pablo the Knife-Juggler”,

My liege, I’m beginning to understand why you have called me to the castle rooftop. As your most trusted advisor, overseeing your actions and assisting with difficult choices is why I have been employed under your family for so long. However, one key aspect of my services that has remained fairly neglected by your sisters, and your father, is that of your prophecy. Often advice regarding your prophecies leads directly to the passing of the crown, and I believe this to be a critical moment in your rule. You had a much simpler prophecy than most of your sisters, but the vagueness that comes with that should really indicate where to place your trust in me, and the rooftop seems to be that very place. If you recall, your prophecy stated that “Pride shall be your downfall”, which- No my liege, I believe that you can do a kick-flip,

My liege, I am incredibly concerned about the prophecy you have received. Usually it takes a week or two to come in the mail, but not a day had passed since your coronation before the wax seal of the soothsayer arrived at the palace doors. I have spent the past few hours contemplating what should be implemented considering its slightly paradoxical nature. As you recall, your prophecy states that “in a time of unmatched uncertainty, the one you entrust the most shall betray you”. I have been the royal advisor for your family since your father’s rule, a well trusted and respected figure by many who came before you, and I shall do everything within my power to prevent a potential betrayal, regardless of how the prophecy speaks of me. As such, having worked for your father and under all of your sisters that ruled before you, I feel I have accumulated enough sick leave,

He lied on his resume

My liege, a letter has just arrived from the royal soothsayer. It is likely regarding your prophecy. I shall read it verbatim for you. *Ahem*. “You shall die underfoot of an animal trained for war.” Ah. It appears this letter was intended for your dearly departed sister. Had this letter arrived three days earlier, her rule may have lasted more than a week. It would have been very helpful in preventing her horse-riding accident. My apologies my liege, I know you were looking forward to hearing your prophecy, and I am truely sorry to disappoint. I shall alert you when it arrives. Thank you for your attention, you may return to caring for the royal hounds.

I would like to thank you all for attending this all staff meeting on such short notice. We are here to discuss the events regarding the passing of the most recent Queen. It appears I have neglected that horses are not the only animal trained for war, that animal related incidents may occur to more than one queen, and that the soothsayer is, in fact, a soothsayer. In related news, we have located the royal elephant.

Okay this is hilarious.