Purple Pumpkin Queen

Visited my birthplace this year (pumpkin patch, geddit?)

It’s been a while 💜

Twitter is a bin fire so let’s see if tumblr can make the come back we all hoped for 💜🧚‍♀️

I guess that means i can ramble to my hearts content without any bloody worry of some rando seeing this and thinking they have an opinion on my weird and kind of wanky life.

in under a week i’ve had 4 seizures. two of them were in one day. I’ve managed to reign them in a bit and to spot the signs. I notice the tightness in my head the flickering in my left eye and the weird pressing pain behind my eyes and think “fuckin, here we go again” and find somewhere to lay down, shut the curtains, get comfortable and make sure theres as little noise and light as possible because i know this can make it all feel worse. In those moments it feels like someone has ripped my skin off and i’ve never felt so sensitive, vulnerable and to be quite frank, Terrified.

Before i knew what these were and thought they were “really bad panic attacks” i would just chastise myself and force myself to keep working, keep going, push through and this would eventually result in me on the floor, convulsing either completely non vocal unable to talk or initially, screaming in pure fucking fear. 

You have no idea how hard that last sentence was to right. My heart sank and it was like being punched in the stomache. If it were not for the last few years of my life making me so god damn calloused to the bullshittery life has thrown at me, i would be crying right now. I’m 24. Twenty fucking four. I should be out there living my life, driving a car, buying groceries, hanging with friends y’know NORMAL SHIT. Instead of which I’m bored as fuck and skint as fuck due to being unable to work from the horrendous list of mental illness I have been diagnosed with. Dissociative seizures by FAR being the worst. They make depression look like a cute little cartoon anime bear thats a bit cheeky sometimes and skips over to you and whispers “hey do you remember when you forgot your lines during the school play in year 6 and everyone laughed? teehehehe have a nice day ellieeee :D “ ... que the fucker banishing off in a cloudy of gliterry rainbow dust. 

That. That imagery. Seizures make depression look adorable in comparrison.

ugh.

I’m not entirely sure where i was going with this, i think it had a point but maybe the point is that i just need to get this off my chest have a good rant and i guess, have something out there that mentions these seizures because honestly i hate talking about them out loud, i feel humiliated and so ashamed that i have them. I used to be a workaholic musician living my life to the full and seizures took my freedom and my confidence (of which i had very little anyway). But, apparently these seizures were brought on my working too hard through extreme burnout and ignoring my mental health for 10+ years... well ignoring is a STRONG word, it was more my health and sanity as a child being neglected and then when i did reach out for help all i got was “this is what being a teen is” ...well... its a good job i don’t hate being right i guess.

I was right, there was something wrong and NOTHING could have ever prepared me for this. So ...huzzah...sad huzzah ...sarcastic sad...word...cos i forever use humour as a coping mechanism.ugh.

I guess if you take anything away from this post rant, be it this

Undiagnosed/ignored mental health problems, if left for long enough ,can grow into dissociation in order to cope, this can then grow into dissociative seizures and then you will be FORCED to face it no matter how poor you are, no matter how busy you are, no matter how lonely you are and whether or not you can face it. 

Your brain doesn’t give a shit about convenience.

if you think you’re struggling, please search for help as soon as possible, the longer you leave it the worse it gets. learn from my mistakes and dont end up like me. you deserve better. I deserved better, but I couldn’t let myself believe that back then...But thats what abusers WANT you to think of yourself.