My life has been slowly falling apart. I've become so detached from everything. I stopped taking some of my medications because I'm sick of the side effects, only to start back up because I feel like I'm losing my mind. And really, I feel like I'm losing the struggle. I'm doing everything in my power to pick myself up; I make myself run, I force myself to do the dishes even though I couldn't care less, and I've even applied for a few jobs. I don't know what else to do at this point. I wake up feeling empty. I'm exhausted all the time, whether or not I do anything. Mental illness is the hardest battle I think, because no one can pinpoint exactly what's wrong with you. We know there is something in my brain that isn't working quite right and we know some medications that could potentially help, but I'm constantly questioning "what's wrong with me?" I feel like I should only be feeling this way when something devastating happens, but as of lately, it's just been my every day life. I say I want my life to end but I know in the deepest sense, I don't mean that. I want the pain to end. I just don't know if the two can be mutually exclusive. To everyone struggling with mental illness: I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is your life. Our lives. You don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. No one deserves it. Everyone deserves to have an innate sense of worth and happiness, but unfortunately the world doesn't work on what people deserve. There is devastation all around the world of so many different kinds and I feel so sorry that people are facing real life scary things and are living in sad situations because of circumstances they can't escape. I feel guilty that I have so much privilege and yet my will to live is constantly slipping away from me. I feel selfish and undeserving, but I have to give myself love because otherwise the mental illness wins. I don't want it to win. I want me to win. I want to travel the country, even the world, helping others in need. I want no person and no animal to be used and abused and to suffer and I want to help everyone in the world that does. But I feel powerless to do so since I can't even help my own self. I don't have a positive note to end on, but I'm not going to end on a negative one either. Until next time, I'm still here and I'm still fighting and I'll never stop longing for the normalcy I so lack in my life. My heart goes out to everyone else fighting the same tough battle.

Not really okay and I don't want to deal with life so I'm going back to sleep :D

I'm such an incapable adult human and it's killing me

the "funny" thing about being disabled is that in order to be considered disabled by the government you have to complete a set of forms that is so long it makes you wonder if it'd just be easier to kill yourself