Howdy

I'm working, and I'm going to school, but I feel more alone than ever. I feel like I'm not even making attempts to socialize anymore. I'm not trying to get to know new people, and I'm starting to care less about the old people. I'm starting to just go through day after day on my own and it's just weird. I don't trust anyone. Not since you left. I don't feel comfortable opening up to anyone and I don't have anyone anymore. I've said it before, but it's the truth at this point, Josh and I are just winding down so much that I hardly see or talk to him anymore. I'm really kind of on my own and it's terrifying. I don't know what to do on my own but I'm not comfortable confiding in someone who can give me even a safe place to be open. I'm losing meaning and it's horrifying.

I've tried. I've tried moving forward. I'm competing, I'm training, I'm going to school, I've got a new job. But I don't find the fulfillment in life like I did when you were a part of it. I feel like I have a hole in me that nothing can fill. I've tried moving on but still find myself longing for you. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look. All I can do is push forward through things that don't bring me happiness anymore in hopes that it will bring me to where I want to be. All I want to be is next to you. All I want to be is good for you. All I want to be is yours. Your partner. Someone who can provide for you, and our family. Someone who makes you happy. God I thought I was there but I was so far off and now I'm alone in finding my way, and the only direction I know to go is the path I've been following. I can't see the end and it makes it harder to trust that it will lead me to what I ultimately want. I would give anything for your guiding light in my life again. Words can't describe how much I love you and miss you, I hope you're doing well, and just know I would give everything I've got to hear from you again. Yours forever, Aaron.

Even though we aren't together, there's nobody I'd rather be my valentine. I miss you so much. Part of me is afraid you're getting roses from someone else right now. You deserve them. I haven't stopped loving you, I don't think I ever will. I don't think this feeling will ever really fade. I'm left questioning whether it's the same for you. I miss you.

And I'm not heartbroken honestly. They said that they're making a bunch of changes and don't see me fitting with what they want moving forward. It's honestly fine by me, I'm not a fan of the direction things were heading, and wanted to look for something else, they've just pushed that forward. I'll be fine, if not happier. I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I wish I had a big cheer filled update for you, but cheery is not how I'd describe things as of late. Works been a big struggle, there are a lot of coming changes that I'm somewhat apprehensive to. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be sticking around with it all. School is going well, my professor is really cool, you'd like him I think. I want to get out of here and go to a university though. I feel like once I get my taxes and fafsa straightened out it'll be much easier to build a full plan for that. Karate is going well too, I'm busting my ass to get back to where I was. The truth is Sam, I'm exhausted. I'm trying to figure it all out, but I just feel like my tank is empty and I'm struggling to fill it up. What used to leave me fulfilled is leaving me drained. I miss you, and just not having you in my life still hurts. You were like my car radio, you brought music into my life. I can't replace you, and now I just sit in silence. Driving my car as fast as I can to my destination. I still love you, and I always will. I don't know if your feelings are still there, but mine aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

And I'm sorry for that. I miss you and it's been hard figuring out what words to say. I've been trying to make it through and staying busy. Things have been good. I glued my ear back together at the season opener this past weekend, I also took two silvers in kata and kobudo, and bronze in kumite. Knee is good. Closed that $3,100 account and put up a total $3,500 in a single day. College is going great, classes are fun and interesting and I'm learning a lot. I still love you and nothing about that has changed. I miss you and love you 💘

To the tune of 3K. And this weekend is my first tournament back. And class is going great. And it's still hard to make it through each day without you. And I still miss you. And I still love you more than I can imagine. And that won't change. It will be that way forever. Always.