hi hi my beautiful readers!! My attempt at writing angst is finally here 😭 😭 i’ll hope it turned out as good as i wanted it to…
☆: angst no comfort, pure angst, angst with plot, hanahaki disease here, death, gore(?), sadness, heartbreak, unrequited love at first, horrible writing skills, cringy, suicide, violence, first time writing angst, and english is not my first language 😃
Ah, maybe fate was supposed to end Lohen’s love.
Did the world always hate him?
He could never, ever, achieve what he wanted to.
Maybe he was just supposed to die alone.
After all, Lohen did live his best life, right?
So why was he crying, clutching the very petals that ended him, painted with the oh-so lovely red he loved seeing on his enemies?
Because you never requited his love.
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Mondstadt was the nation of freedom. Venti, or Barbatos himself claimed that Mondstadt was one of the happiest nations ever to exist, with how many citizens are always grateful to live there and be able to spread their wings without hesitation. Venti had always looked after his children; which responsible Archon wouldn’t? He watched the one and only klee create her bombs, he watched the Knights of Favonius progress, he watched the knights leave for the expeditions, he watched the Traveler touch his Statue of the Seven and resonate with Anemo for the first time.
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Which is why he fell in love with you.
“Lohen! Lohen! Look at what I found!” You yelled, waving your tiny hands. You two were childhood friends, and the whole kidnapping incident had not yet occurred.
Lohen scrambled to be by your side, tripping over a thick log in the process of doing so. His eyes lit up when he heard that sugarcoated voice of yours.
“Lemme see,” Lohen demanded, prying open your hands. You tentatively showed him what you were holding so preciously, and your thumbs fiddled with the small amphibian.
“Lookie! It’s a froggie,” You whispered, taking one finger to stroke its back as it croaked. Lohen snickered, covering his mouth as he petted the frog’s slimy skin.
“Ew! Where did you find it?” He yelped as it stuck out its tongue, defensively trying to hop out of your grip. Lohen forcefully shoved it, making you yell out at him. He giggled, rubbing your shoulder with his left hand.
“Be nice to it! I wanna give it to Mister Varka!” You said, closing your hands once again as Lohen groaned.
“C’mon! You’re no fun, N/N,” Lohen pouted, crossing his small arms as he wobbled to the direction of the cathedral. You huffed out in laughter, slapping his little back and running up to Lohen.
Maybe he’s always loved you from the start. Who knows?
Ah. Another batch of flower petals. He could feel it brushing against his throat. But, you were nearby, and Lohen was about to start gagging and coughing up flowers. He didn’t want you to see that happen, so he tried his best to come up with an excuse. Unfortunately for him, you were very stubborn and wouldn’t take any of his lies.
“Lohen, no. You’ve had a severe fever! I’m not letting you out of the room!” You countered angrily, slamming the bottle of water onto his desk, tears trickling down your cheeks.
Lohen bit the inside of his cheek, unsure whether or not to continue his yammering.
“You’re so reckless. Everywhere. On the battlefield, at home, when you’re completely fine and safe, no matter what, you’re always so careless about your own life! Don’t you feel uncomfortable just getting up? You never care about yourself! I’m just trying to help you recover! What’s so wrong about that?” You snapped, wiping your sobs onto your sleeve, breath hitching every now and then. It broke Lohen’s heart, truly. He couldn’t bear to see you cry; in fact, he always thought it made his hanahaki worse. Lohen never went to visit professionals to cure his so-called disease; he didn’t even understand it. All he knew was that it had something to do with love.
He felt blood rushing up. Lohen had to do something, anything, quickly. Something that you’d buy.
“W-well, I’m sorry, but I really need–erm, nevermind. My throat’s just a bit dry, I’m gonna grab a lozenge,” He coughed, quickly pulling off the stunt. You were rubbing your temples, losing all determination to keep Lohen stay put in his room and help him heal. At this point, you were so done with him. You did love him, but that was a platonic feeling that never seemed to reach your heartstrings. Too bad you would never know the truth…
Lohen sprinted down the hall toward the bathroom, holding his neck, tongue tasting the rich, iron blood. He coughed, choking up petals, gagging until the blood and petals were out of his system and lungs. Whenever he breathed, that feeling of grassy objects would always brush his airways, even worse. His hanahaki was very severe, and he usually lost more blood than he should during the day. Lohen was going to die, and he’d already planned to have you step up in his place of Vice Captain. After all, who would be the better candidate?
Specks of pained tears were forming at the corners of his eyes. His life was going to end, without you ever knowing he loved you. Ah, but maybe…maybe he could confess to you before that happened, maybe his love story could be admitted before he died, and just somewhere along the path of life, you would’ve returned his love, no matter if he were already dead and rotting. Besides, who even actually cherished his life? Likely no one. Nobody seemed to notice the small things he did for the knights, and you were just oblivious as the other knights.
“Ah, yep. That must be it. I fell in love with you when we met, didn’t I?” Lohen whispered, smiling pitifully at himself. He clutched his chest, feeling the roots sprouting and traveling across his whole system.
“You were the puzzle I was trying so hard to solve, and now here I am, crying and dying like an absolute fool,” He muttered, covering up his evidence with loads of tissues and water. Once Lohen finally decided that was enough, he wheezed, feeling the branches extend. It felt so painful, so heavy, especially with the amount of emotional denial he went through.
Lohen ran back to his room, only to find you gone. He sighed, sadness creeping up and filling his mind up with pity and guilt. If only he won your heart over. Hanahaki was just the realization that the person he loved never loved him back. Lohen clenched his fist, one rebel tear rolling down his face as his breaths came in short gasps, crying in his room, feeling so lonely in the vacant space.
“I’m sorry Lohen. I can’t do this anymore,” You whispered, curling up into a ball and head tucked into your arms, eyes widening and pupils wavering.
Your hand shook as you pushed yourself up from the floor, watching the flower petals stained with red blowing away along with the wind out into Mother Nature’s domain.
“Was Vice Cap Lohen on another killing spree today? Saw so many petals with that nasty crimson on them,” A knight’s voice rang out from the hall. Oh. You sighed a breath of relief, guilt washing away from your mind as you opened the door, twisting the wrecked door knob.
So, he wasn’t hurt. That was good to know, at least.
Perhaps it was something unique about you that had attracted him. Yes, that must’ve been it.
Lohen finally made up his mind, fingers tapping an unknown rhythm against his desk, thoughts bombarding his already messed up mindset as his free hand pulled at his dusty teal hair. He banged his fist against the desk once, wood chipping at the sheer intensity of his vent.
He would write a final letter to you, a confession for his undeniable love he tried so hard to escape. It was inevitable that he would get hanahaki; after all, Donna had captured hanahaki as soon as she laid her eyes on Diluc & started yapping mindlessly about him nearly every day.
Lohen carefully picked up his quill and ink he oh-so rarely used (bcuz gunther wrote his reports–). He chose his words carefully, trying to express his emotions thoroughly, trying to make it as poetic as possible. Lohen had never been this romantic before—despite him physically being on death’s door (oh dear ronovaaaaaaa).
But, just as he was about to write the final sentence of his tragic confession, his skin went deathly pale, roots extending throughout his full body, suffocating him as blood began to trickle down his lip, eyes’ sparkle and once so brightly lit going dull. His lungs collapsed, leaving him paralyzed, limply laying there as his red centered eyes trembled.
Petals began to make their way up and out through his throat, and Lohen gave one final choke before lunging out the window, accepting his fate as his body fell down, all his memories flashing past his eyes, closing his life’s continuation. It felt so oddly warm, like death had already been welcoming him, and his letter lay there on the desk as he hit the concrete with a heavy thud. Oh, how pitiful and tragic his life had been. If only Lohen had luck on his side, granting him the ability to be able to finish that letter and properly live a normal life as a citizen. But, no. His luck had been worse than Bennett’s.
You screamed as you heard the news. All of the KoF had been crying, including Varka and Jean. You shuddered at the thought, crying into your hands as your eyes began to swell because of the amount you had sobbed. You wouldn’t accept his sudden death–he promised to stay there by your side. Nobody knew the cause. You rushed up to his room, breath gasping and lungs scorching like hell. Your brain collapsed and jumped, going haywire and glitching when Lohen died. He couldn’t just do that. No. He couldn’t just play dirty. That wasn’t fair. Lohen couldn’t just leave you to survive by yourself–heck, you’d choke down his hanahaki petals instead of that. It wasn’t fair. Life was never fair.
When you reached the door to his knob, your palms were sweating like rain pouring down the skies. You broke in, the door being shoved so forcefully it fell. You couldn’t just lose your best friend like that–no, not without a goodbye. You shrieked out Lohen’s name, but it came out as a tearful and overwhelming sob rather than an actual stern command.
“No…You can’t just–ugh. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you so much-!” You gasped, fat globs of tears leaving a trail on your cheeks as you reached for his chair. “No. Please, Barbatos, I beg you this is a dream,” You whispered, clutching his bedsheets where he once had been.
“Why?” You demanded, your heart beat speeding up and your chest tightening at the sheer thought, eyes not being able to bear the fact that you could see Lohen’s dead body from here. Jean and Varka were standing out in the hallway, covering their mouths as Varka’s tears became muted by your sudden breath hitches. You choked out sobs, punching the wall until it cracked and your fists bled, knuckles white and bruised.
“Why must you take him?” You said, heat pooling in your brain and nerves.
That was until, you realized there was a letter on his desk, with ink dripping off the ledge, forming a puddle underneath the structure.
“Huh?” You breathed, reaching for it. You delicately opened it, sniffling, wiping your eyes as you read through it.
If you are holding this stained paper, it means the disease finally won. It means the "stubborn cold" I used to brush you off was a lie, just like the bruises I blamed on clumsiness, and the blood I blamed on a bloody nose that I never had. I am so sorry for the deception. I was too cowardly to tell you that my lungs were being held hostage by the very flowers and roots that killed me, and that every breath I drew was a battle against the roots tightening around my ribs.
I used to think my silence was noble, a grand sacrifice to keep you unburdened by my heart. I was wrong. Looking back from the edge of this illogical space, I regret everything. I regret every reckless lie I weaved to push you away, every word I used to defend my secrets, and every time I locked myself in the bathroom to choke in the dark instead of letting you hold my hand. I thought I was doing something good for you, but I was just stealing our remaining time. I could have had the visits, the cure, but I was far too stubborn to reveal this weak and irresponsible side of me. I was too proud, too desperately romantic, to choose a blank mind over a beautiful death. Now, gasping for air, I realize how foolish it was to choose a grave over a life where I could at least look at you, even if you never loved me back.
But my regrets cannot undo the disease. You did not do this to me in any way. You grew this garden inside me simply by existing, by being a
light so bright that my foolish heart couldn't help but fall for you.
I still remember the night it took root. We were just simply there, nothing more, and that my chest collapsed and I
You sobbed even more after reading that. It was agonizing, even. The bloodshed, the fate that spoke, it was so ironic. You clutched the letter tight, refusing to let go the only piece of him you had left.
But what if you just joined him in heaven?
That would be better, wouldn’t it?
Yes, yes! If you kill yourself, it would work, right?
Your mind traveled through so many stages of grief, it was hard to keep up with what your body was doing. You decided, if you suicided, next to the person who loved you, you two would meet each other in heaven. Yes, that would be right.
“NO! Y/N, STOP!” Varka’s voice boomed, his hand reaching for you. Jean’s eyes widened and she dashed to grab your arm, but you leaped out the window, crashing down, landing deathly painfully right next to Lohen.
Every part of you felt so agonizing to move. Hey, at least that pain would only last for a few seconds!
You forced your left hand to take Lohen’s so prized dagger, reaching for your stomach, and finally, pushing it in. The dagger easily sank into your flesh, piercing your organs and left you bleeding out as your body started to malfunction.
Now, you two could be together, right?
thank you thank you goodbye and have a good day!! :33
