I'm just hungry a lot

Hear me out: Pot that only boils while you're watching it.

Me when I'm in a "Being compared to something really small" competition and my opponent is the thickness of the average human hair: *surprised reaction gif*

Y'all still fuckin with ice cream trucks or nah

Man, the trumpet guy was so extra: "An artist respects the silence that serves the foundation of creativity 😠" Like just tell them they were being too loud, bro.

To the motor oil drinking knuckle-dragger who coined the phrase "A watched pot never boils...", do you think I have to close my eyes to make ramen? If I ever catch your bitch ass in a kitchen, I will sue you to death, and that's on god.

Seeing someone break the fourth wall would be so stupid. Like why did you just look the east and shake your head? Dumbass? You talking to god, buddy? There's no camera in that direction. From my perspective, you just turned to the left and threw up your arms as if to say "Welp. Can't fix *this* shit." And then turned back and kept talking to me like nothing happened. Absolute psycho behavior.

Using reverse psychology to get my chores done

I swear to god, I'm not fucking with you. He didn't blink one time through the whole 90 seconds. He didn't even look like he was trying to keep his eyes open. This is just normal for him.