i am princess unicorn.

chris christie just said one of the things he will do as president is defund planned parenthood because it's time to bring to an end the mass murder of unborn babies.

hmm. the thing is chris christie, while you're acting like a total vagina, you don't have one. actually. you are not even worthy of being given any sort of vaginal credit. having a vagina is hard work. you have to take really great care of it and there are SO many things that can happen or go wrong.

there was a long period of time where i didn't have any health insurance. i couldn't afford it. i'm a freelancer. i pay for health insurance all by myself. and that shit is expensive.

but like i said. i'm a woman. and i have to take great care of my vagina. and you know who helped me take care of me when i couldn't afford to pay for health insurance? planned parenthood. i was able to get annual checkups, birth control and peace of mind affordably because the cost was on a sliding scale based on my income.

and you know who i saw sitting in that waiting room? ALL of us. young. old. black. white. brown. gay. straight. male. female.

i suggest, chris christie you do a little research and understand the mess you are trying to make. planned parenthood is more than just abortions. it is affordable healthcare for all of us. and if you think about it, planned parenthood (based on name alone) provides its clients with the tools to not even have to have an abortion in the first place. additionally, an abortion is a woman's choice. because that vagina, and EVERYTHING going on inside of it, is HERS.

i love holiday parties. i love getting my hair did. putting on a pretty dress. i love wearing the makeup. putting on a good GOOD pair of heels. i LOVE holiday parties! music. friends. ugly sweaters. appeteasers. DRANKS. it’s the dancing. the laughing. the release of everything that’s already happened and the renewal of the coming year. the indulging. going further than i know i should. kisses that aren’t reserved for just beneath the mistletoe. i love holiday parties because i love joy.

today. joy became grief, AGAIN.

on cnn.com at 1:16am:

"The violence began around 11 a.m. at the convention building at the Inland Regional Center where employees with the county health department were attending a holiday event. Witnesses said at least two shooters opened fire, killing 14 people. Another 17 people were hurt -- many wounded by bullets from automatic-style rifles, some injured in the panic to escape."

[http://www.cnn.com/2015/12/03/us/san-bernardino-shooting/index.html]

really? at a holiday event?

what are we doing humans? and why? why do we hate ourselves so much that we have to kill each other? why?

San Bernardino. Savannah. Paris. Nigeria. Beirut.

WHATEVER you do or do not believe in – let us acknowledge that something is broken. the elephant standing in the room did it.

let’s think about it. care about it. DO something about it.

this is nonsense.

we know better than this. we ARE better than this.

give and spread joy. not just at a holiday party because you’ve had so many drinks, but because you care. because #blacklivesmatter. because ALL lives matter. each of us has been given one life. it’s what every single human has in common. black white brown yellow straight gay queer trans conservative liberal agnostic catholic christian muslim jewish hindu

so i think i just got dumped by a **guy i wasn’t dating. via text.

FOR SERIOUS.

we went out once – at his insistence. alright. let me backtrack. here’s how it went down. i think it was two or three weeks ago that i got the following text:

KADINE!  I’M LOOKING AT YOUR PROFILE ON OK CUPID!! 

and I was all alarmed and confused cuz it was a message from an unrecognizable number. so i did the whole – “sorry! new phone. who is this?” (which was totally true)

and then he told me who it was, and it's a friend of a friend i've known forevs, so eventually i wrote back "hi", and then he proceeded to ask me out on a date and tell me that he wanted to ask me out since 2004.

TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR???? my dog hasn’t even been alive that long! i looked around my room for an answer and finally said fuck it - you aren’t doing anything else/what’s there to lose? so of COURSE I went out with him. and guess what? it was AWESOME! he was a perfect gentleman on a perfect date…there was a sexy kiss and errythang in the middle of a new york city sidewalk on a friday night – the kind of thing you think only happens in a movie, but happened to me for real. and i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that i wondered for a brief second or half an hour if this was the moment where i’d look back on my life and tell my biracial children about the first date i went on with their father.

umm ya. NOT SO MUCH.

now fast forward. i’ve been traveling for work for the past week or so in obscure american cities. my current stop is detroit. i still have a week to go.

anyway. i was sitting in my room at the greektown casino hotel feeling sorry for myself cuz my period is literally seconds from making her presence known and i'd spent the past hour hormonally feeling sad, texting friends and my sisters that i think i'm going to be alone forever. you see, I really am all alone. the ex-boyfriend i love yet dumped has moved on and has a new girlfriend i call the “designer imposter”. and i know it's not nice. and i know it's for the best. still. it hurts my feelings and i'm not exactly sure why, but i digress…

and then I got THE TEXT.

the friend of a friend “perfect date” guy felt the need to let me know that he’s getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, and while it was “completely unexpected” it was “exactly what he wanted”.

when I read his message i laughed so hard at the ridiculousness of it all happening in the middle of my pms induced pity party i almost cried, but i had to stop myself for fear they would be real tears and he was SO not worth it.

at that moment, i looked out the window at the beautiful detroit skyline and felt just like her – depressed.  alone. unappreciated and pretty beat up, yet still standing, unsure of everything but somehow understanding the reason is because I have a story to tell.

truth be told i’m really hard on myself. i never ever feel good enough.  i always. ALWAYS feel like the runner up. almost perfect, but not quite…

“I have officially hit amoeba or maybe plankton status.”

that was the text i sent my friend AFTER i forwarded her the text where I got dumped by friend of a friend perfect date guy who wanted to ask me out since 2004. and i swear. it has nothing to do with him, i mean after all, he came with a warning label longer than most prescription drugs...

i just feel shitty. and sure i’m premenstrual, but beyond that i feel like the bottom of the barrel low. i’m a 35 year old woman who has a great life and a for real FOR REAL fear that i might spend the rest of it alone.

 this is probably the most honest i have ever outwardly been with myself. (and yes. i know i'm oversharing. and of COURSE i worry about the repercussions)

 *sigh*

 for the past month or so i've been thinking about taking my tumblr in another direction (especially since i started online dating) and writing about the randomness of my life because that is EXACTLY what it is. RANDOM. i mean. i’m a grown ass woman walking around the planet with a doll named sardine for christ’s sake!

Like i said. RANDOM.

and  oh. i'm also apparently hilarious to everyone in my family/circle of friends. see. i'm one of those people where it’s just like "NOOO! that didn't happen to you! that’s not true...IS IT?"

but it is. and it’s my life.  and i’m finally ready to share (well maybe just the juicy parts) with all of you.

**guy: you know who you are, and while you're perfectly nice, my not so sincere apologies if you’re offended by me putting this out there...cuz fuck it. this is MY truth.**

writing.

Guess who’s doing their mating ritual on a crunch ad?

crazy town! i finished an audition and decided to walk to my bar method workout in soho. bopping down 14th street i came across this poster outside of crunch! it was almost a year ago that we did this shoot - what an interesting feeling to randomly see yourself on the street...

instead of writing i went to central park's summerstage disclosure concert.

it. was. delightful!

they closed their show with "latch" and sam smith the featured singer actually performed! of course he was brillz. it was one of those perfect summer moments where you look up at the sun setting between the leaves of a nearby tree as the beautiful people mill around to the magical music and you breathe it all in and whisper, "i LOVE you new york..."

and you would think the story stops there, right? nope. not this time! 

see, the following day (today) i was walking around the city running errands (aka auditioning, working out and buying makeup), all the while brainstorming what i should do about being stuck in my writing (my main character picks a fight with the guy she likes so of course it's a pivotal moment and i want to get it JUST right) and NOTHING was happening. nothing was coming to me and it started to make me upset because my work break is about to be over and i therefore started to worry that i was wasting my precious time off...yes this is how my brain works. 

and i suppose the universe understands all of this because i kept humming "latch" in my head (and out loud) all day, until finally i looked it up on spotify and then i hummed along in a shrill high pitch that i'm sure offended the passersby. when i got home i looked up the music video and surprise! fell in love. i then re-read what i had written last and the answer came to me - the roadblock shifted until it finally disappeared.

"if there are boundaries, i will try to knock them down (never) i’m latching on, babe, now i know what i have found (never)"

THIS. i have hearted kimbra since "settle down" - her video with the weirdo dolls and the perfectly made up little girl getting her dance on. then of course we fell in love during her verse on gotye's "somebody that i used to know"...now spotify has added to the mix with THIS track "two way street".

i love everything about it! couldn't stop watching the video! i am inspired by true artistry; i am especially enamored when it breaks through the ceiling of the underground and emerges into our mainstream. it's refreshing to witness an unapologetic expression of self...and i aspire to do the same with this novel i am writing. 

writing. i am on my tenth chapter. TENTH! this is a good feeling. so i discovered this song on spotify, late one night while that's right - writing. "love story" by thomas dybdahl. he's a norwegian musician that i super like.  his new album "what's left is forever" comes out soon. i hope he visits nyc!

http://www.thomasdybdahl.com/

the boogie down.

instead of writing i went on an adventure with morris and co. to the south bronx. we checked out the summerstage ismael rivera tribute concert and danced salsa (sorta) under a setting sun. the fireflies are now making appearances.