so i think i just got dumped by a **guy i wasn’t dating. via text.
we went out once – at his insistence. alright. let me backtrack. here’s how it went down. i think it was two or three weeks ago that i got the following text:
KADINE! I’M LOOKING AT YOUR PROFILE ON OK CUPID!!
and I was all alarmed and confused cuz it was a message from an unrecognizable number. so i did the whole – “sorry! new phone. who is this?” (which was totally true)
and then he told me who it was, and it's a friend of a friend i've known forevs, so eventually i wrote back "hi", and then he proceeded to ask me out on a date and tell me that he wanted to ask me out since 2004.
TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR???? my dog hasn’t even been alive that long! i looked around my room for an answer and finally said fuck it - you aren’t doing anything else/what’s there to lose? so of COURSE I went out with him. and guess what? it was AWESOME! he was a perfect gentleman on a perfect date…there was a sexy kiss and errythang in the middle of a new york city sidewalk on a friday night – the kind of thing you think only happens in a movie, but happened to me for real. and i’d be lying if i didn’t admit that i wondered for a brief second or half an hour if this was the moment where i’d look back on my life and tell my biracial children about the first date i went on with their father.
now fast forward. i’ve been traveling for work for the past week or so in obscure american cities. my current stop is detroit. i still have a week to go.
anyway. i was sitting in my room at the greektown casino hotel feeling sorry for myself cuz my period is literally seconds from making her presence known and i'd spent the past hour hormonally feeling sad, texting friends and my sisters that i think i'm going to be alone forever. you see, I really am all alone. the ex-boyfriend i love yet dumped has moved on and has a new girlfriend i call the “designer imposter”. and i know it's not nice. and i know it's for the best. still. it hurts my feelings and i'm not exactly sure why, but i digress…
the friend of a friend “perfect date” guy felt the need to let me know that he’s getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, and while it was “completely unexpected” it was “exactly what he wanted”.
when I read his message i laughed so hard at the ridiculousness of it all happening in the middle of my pms induced pity party i almost cried, but i had to stop myself for fear they would be real tears and he was SO not worth it.
at that moment, i looked out the window at the beautiful detroit skyline and felt just like her – depressed. alone. unappreciated and pretty beat up, yet still standing, unsure of everything but somehow understanding the reason is because I have a story to tell.
truth be told i’m really hard on myself. i never ever feel good enough. i always. ALWAYS feel like the runner up. almost perfect, but not quite…
“I have officially hit amoeba or maybe plankton status.”
that was the text i sent my friend AFTER i forwarded her the text where I got dumped by friend of a friend perfect date guy who wanted to ask me out since 2004. and i swear. it has nothing to do with him, i mean after all, he came with a warning label longer than most prescription drugs...
i just feel shitty. and sure i’m premenstrual, but beyond that i feel like the bottom of the barrel low. i’m a 35 year old woman who has a great life and a for real FOR REAL fear that i might spend the rest of it alone.
this is probably the most honest i have ever outwardly been with myself. (and yes. i know i'm oversharing. and of COURSE i worry about the repercussions)
for the past month or so i've been thinking about taking my tumblr in another direction (especially since i started online dating) and writing about the randomness of my life because that is EXACTLY what it is. RANDOM. i mean. i’m a grown ass woman walking around the planet with a doll named sardine for christ’s sake!
and oh. i'm also apparently hilarious to everyone in my family/circle of friends. see. i'm one of those people where it’s just like "NOOO! that didn't happen to you! that’s not true...IS IT?"
but it is. and it’s my life. and i’m finally ready to share (well maybe just the juicy parts) with all of you.
**guy: you know who you are, and while you're perfectly nice, my not so sincere apologies if you’re offended by me putting this out there...cuz fuck it. this is MY truth.**
(view of detroit from my hotel room)