Psychopit

It’s not ‘edgy’

It’s not ‘cool’

It’s not ‘relatable’

It’s not ‘quirky’

It’s the cause of hundreds of thousands of deaths every year… I know to some people, this blog may seem like I’m romanticising mental illness; that’s not what I intend. I post here because I need a place to express myself and this is an anonymous way to do so.

Instead, just have a day. Stay alive.

Eat your meals. Drink water. Breath deeply. Wear something comfortable.

It’ll get better.

But what if Google was wrong and there's two ways to spell easel....?

I have a hate and hate relationship between me and my body and I am a deeply unhappy person who ironically has the ability to make people happy . Every morning I drag myself out of bed and take a good look at myself . I am thankful that I can see , I am thankful that I can hear ,I am thankful that I can feel .I am thankful for my mind,I am thankful for what’s inside, but outside I see this person staring back at me, with a vacant expression and hollow eyes with premature and occasional strands of grey hair, pudgy face and a whinny voice .

I see a person who is not pleasant to look at . I see a girl who is struggling with her looks and it crushes her to see people around her looking the way they do . Who is tired of people coming up to her and say that you are pretty inside . Who has time to see what’s inside in this world ? It’s all just lies designed to make us feel better and I hate the fact that these lies have no effect on me .

I love you. I do. I love you with every part of me. At night as I lay in my nook- my head on your shoulder and your arm around me, I think there’s no way I can love you more. And the next day I do. The way I love you is how every girl dreams of a love. I dont tell you enough. I mean, I tell you I love you, but I don’t break it down. I’m not descriptive. For a word person I am not eloquent or eloborate. It’s often bc I don’t have the words for how much I love you. And sometimes it’s bc I’m just confident in that love. Whether I say it or not I always try to show it. Sometimes you see my love and sometimes you miss it- but it’s always there.

But here is something I do know. As much as I love you, should you choose to leave I will let you walk away. I will not beg. I will not change who I am. That will do us both a disservice.

I will not worry about you leaving. I will not worry about you cheating. These are YOUR choices. Should you choose them I will walk away. I will not lie and say I will not rage, I will not lie and pretend I will not question my worth, but what I will NOT do is beg you to stay. I WILL walk away and rebuild myself.

What I have is strength. What I have is an amazing group of friends. What I have is confidence.

So do not question my love. My loyalty. Do not question why I choose to kneel for you as long as you choose to continue to lead in a manner that encourages me to follow. Do not wonder if I worry. I don’t. Bc once someone has been down at the bottom before they never fear that again.