Your Daily Dose of Sentimental Randomness

Magic is the utilization of many arts, mainly the art of deception, to entertain a wide variety of audiences - that was what magic was for me before, and that is what it is to me as of now.

It's been a year since the last spread of cards have wowed the eyes of the regular audience. Quite nostalgic it seems to remember such good times. Yet it only took this long to remember how good the feeling was of amazing people with the long kept art.

A little show on the jeep - that's what it all took to remind me of everything. A simple switcheroo, joker search and blood manipulation ought do the trick. After the last one, everyone would be screaming: "How'd he do that?"

It's been a few days or probably a week since I've been constantly bugged by this predictable habit of mine.

No, it's neither something really explicit such as the bare skin that we see nor is it something too elusive that it will take a certain amount of time to discover. It's more like a way of life if you will, it is there at plain sight, but people overlook it because mainly, we don't do detailed observations of another person's way of life.

I've felt a nostalgic feeling with each passing day, nostalgic not of the life I had back then (it is a factor, but not the central piece), but rather nostalgic of the people I have had contact with in the past years.

I could fill up a whole paragraph of the people I have once encountered and interacted with intimately. I've told myself time and time again that I would somehow try to get those good times back.

I have faded from their lives, just as I have faded from most of the people I care for. I may not speak of it explicitly but I do miss them, I do long for the time when we all would sit down again and chat like the good old times, and I do wish that I had not allowed myself to fade.

However, all good things must come to an end, and I only have memories to tell myself that all of that was real.

Considering it's like 1:15 AM already here, I got lazy coming up with a title so I've decided to just be straightforward with it. ------> Why did I even mention that? Oh well...

I've had a rough week so far as of now and of course, you could throw in all the shituations life has been throwing at me. And I just really thought that I would want to just put up a thank you post for that special woman that makes my day.

To clear things up, I am not with her nor does she have an idea that I like her (though she might, considering all the clues I leave). But every time I'm stuck in a rainy day, all I do is think about her and I just feel kinda better (don't we all?).

Soooooooooooo, after a series of emo shitness. I am back again for another dose of them sentimental randomness.

So basically, I've been living a new and (I hope better) life. It's been going on for a few weeks or I think a month? Can't remember but basically, with me turning one year older today, I've contemplated the stuff that I've gone through lately.

And yeah, I can conclude that despite the many unfun moments, I guess I'd had many memorable ones. I had awesome friends along the way and of course, I got to meet even more of them now. So for any one of my awesome friends who are reading this as of now, I really really would like to say thank you very much for the many fun times we had together and should you guys ever feel neglected, just tell me and I'll definitely make it up to you guys.

Anyways, and I guess along the lines of that, I am not ashamed to say that I have a new romance burning inside of me. Now I'm still on the I'm-trying-to-get-you-notice part, but I would have to say that I'm kinda optimistic towards it. Even though I know that I might fail and crash and burn (and boohoo life), I still want to give it a shot (coz mah hormones want meh to) and yeah, it's because I want to as well.

Solitude is not only merely a state of personal status, but also a choice. Then again, isn't everything in this world a choice. Life itself is a choice.

Anyways, nothing again as usual. Just thinking out loud in this little corner of the web. Which is again, a choice. It's been the first day of another new beginning and as of far, the choice was solitude. Boredom was my only companion instead of my supposed people who I should hang around with.

I don't really know, but to be honest, I've found no more thrill in them as I had back in time. Perhaps it's because of my lack of interest in them as of late. I know that I will be choosing a one-way trip to sadness if I continue to trudge along this path but... I just choose not to do anything about it.

Despite all of the false faces I show to the people around me, I am quite sure that I am weeping internally. Then again, it is another choice associated with the first choice.

So yeah, here I am again after a bit of a long time to bring you yet another one of my sentimental randomness. Anyways, it's still basically about my boring life as a college student. Don't worry, it's not anything about hopeless romance. Jazz (my awesome guitar) strangely filled that part of my emptiness (ok... bizarre but please don't get the wrong idea, I don't make out with guitars).

Anyways, we're getting far from the point... the point is that I have come to a conclusion that college life isn't really that much different from high school life. I don't know if it's just me (it's probably just me), but yeah, college has some great ways of masking petty little things (as in high schoolish stuff) into big important stuff (the so-called reality of adult life).

The first thing I notice is basically the false pretenses that they impart to us as we enter college. One big group, together, 4 to 5 years; 1st month - ok; 2nd month - hm... shaky; 3rd month - f*ck you! Simply put, since we pretty much know that groups will eventually break apart, I don't really see the point of making unity such a big deal. Sure it helps, but admit it, what we see in a mirror says otherwise. Why pretend to be something we're not?

Second thing is basically one of the stupidest things that I have ever observed. Simply put again, a lot of people in college claim to be different and that being "normal" is boring. So say a group says being different is awesome is pretty much screaming "Different is the new norm". And I can't believe how silly people react when they begin feeling that they are "normal" again. If you ask me, the "normal" stuff that they all reject is the one that is actually different. Therefore, they are unconsciously joining the bandwagon of making different the new norm (as long as they remain within themselves). Savvy?

It's been close to three months now, and still have I yet to find any purpose in my college life. Sure, I've met some awesome people and set-up some minor scale goals I have in mind but the point is... there's still this tugging feeling inside me, telling me to step away, telling me to stop being a slave to habit, telling me to put an end to my senseless following of people whenever they go.

To be fairly honest, in spite of the fact that I know that many of my friends can be trusted, a small voice behind my head is beginning to ask these questions: "But what if they aren't? What if they'll turn their back on me? Can I really trust them?" That, of course, is something only I can answer, but then again, due to present circumstances, I can't say that I have a clear answer to that yet. (It is quite tempting to try saying "NO, I can't trust them" but...) I guess this might've come from a belief of mine that "It's not learning how to trust, it's actually learning how to mistrust." I give my trust unconditionally at first, but as time passes by, well, it could grow, but more often than not, it fades for most people...

It's been close three months... and still, what really is my problem? I've been feeling and hearing different things as of late, and I'm not liking them, then again, I'm not sure what are they really. All I know is that they don't like my state of life now, and these irregular posts are just my irregular guesses as to what are they trying to convey...

For some odd reason, I find myself in a weird shituation right now. I don't know why but I think I've become a slave to habit and I don't know if it's a good one.

I used to be very well versed in the arts of solitude. One whole day without or minimal interaction seemed fine, but now, I can't seem to go an hour without bothering anyone to talk to me. I don't know if this is a good thing since this means I'm at least becoming more sociable, but then again, I do not wish to forget the ways of being alone.

Then here comes the next thing that I'm pondering about. Sure, I may want to be with people most of the time, but the problem is, I don't really know how. I usually end up just sitting next to them, listening to their conversations as if I were a ghost. I hear all their problems, all their rants about life, and I just can't help but to sit there and lament why can't I help them out. Then again, I can't even contribute much in a decent (even undecent) group conversation since I'm not a group type of person. And I find it difficult to go one-on-one with the people I'd love to talk to since they all prefer groups or at least they mostly stick with groups...

Darn... whatever this change may be, I don't like it. Sure, it may sound childish and immature for someone at the collegiate level, but I miss my old friggin' life!!! I want to go back to the times when everything was much simpler. When grades, money and friends never did matter. All that mattered at that time was myself, my own world and some people that I've made it part of.

After much meditation, reflection and epiphanic talks about my stupid dilemma in the previous chapter, one thing is very clear to me: I am back to square one.

Back in the old days, I was the weirdest person, now in college, I'm actually the most normal of all people (wow, my world really did turn upside down). So yeah, I'm trying to relearn things that have been long stored away in the back of my mind.

Just when I thought that hopeless romance is the least of my problems, something much heavier suddenly just placed itself above my shoulders.

But before confiding that stupid depression that bugs me to no end just now, I had just reached an epiphany a while ago while asking for advice from a friend on my stupid hopeless romanticism. Because of my addiction to that wonderful person, I forgot what matters most and that's our friendship. So yeah, pretty much moving on now and pretty much living up to my self-acclaimed title as the hopeless romantic...

So if you think that the ranting is done... IT'S ONLY JUST BEGUN!!! Yeah, so I didn't really put this thought into my head much during the start of my college life but now, I'm beginning to feel a certain degree of sadness. Not because of that incident that was always being mentioned here, but rather depression because I just felt that I'm not really an interesting enough person to be with...

I know a lot of things but then again, those things that I know are just merely the surface of the things themselves. Unlike most people, I don't really have any specific topic that I can talk about in-depth. I can only pretend that I know it, but in the end, it falls down to me getting "out of placed".

They talk... They laugh... They relate... Me? Just shut up and listen... Never to speak unless spoken to... 

So after much pondering, I've decided to get a tumblr account.

I guess I just wanted a place where I can vent out my thoughts better and faster compared to my previous blog (I'm still going to use it though...)

So yeah, this is my diary, this is where my thoughts coincide with the concrete world. I don't have much thoughts about what I'll be posting here, but for the meantime, this is my plan and I guess I'll stick to it.

As to my identity, I'll leave it to you, my friends, to figure it out. I'm sure the events to be posted in the future here and my way of writing would be the clues that will guide you if ever you are interested.