#shallow depression

It's been a few days or probably a week since I've been constantly bugged by this predictable habit of mine.

No, it's neither something really explicit such as the bare skin that we see nor is it something too elusive that it will take a certain amount of time to discover. It's more like a way of life if you will, it is there at plain sight, but people overlook it because mainly, we don't do detailed observations of another person's way of life.

I've felt a nostalgic feeling with each passing day, nostalgic not of the life I had back then (it is a factor, but not the central piece), but rather nostalgic of the people I have had contact with in the past years.

I could fill up a whole paragraph of the people I have once encountered and interacted with intimately. I've told myself time and time again that I would somehow try to get those good times back.

I have faded from their lives, just as I have faded from most of the people I care for. I may not speak of it explicitly but I do miss them, I do long for the time when we all would sit down again and chat like the good old times, and I do wish that I had not allowed myself to fade.

However, all good things must come to an end, and I only have memories to tell myself that all of that was real.

Solitude is not only merely a state of personal status, but also a choice. Then again, isn't everything in this world a choice. Life itself is a choice.

Anyways, nothing again as usual. Just thinking out loud in this little corner of the web. Which is again, a choice. It's been the first day of another new beginning and as of far, the choice was solitude. Boredom was my only companion instead of my supposed people who I should hang around with.

I don't really know, but to be honest, I've found no more thrill in them as I had back in time. Perhaps it's because of my lack of interest in them as of late. I know that I will be choosing a one-way trip to sadness if I continue to trudge along this path but... I just choose not to do anything about it.

Despite all of the false faces I show to the people around me, I am quite sure that I am weeping internally. Then again, it is another choice associated with the first choice.

It's been close to three months now, and still have I yet to find any purpose in my college life. Sure, I've met some awesome people and set-up some minor scale goals I have in mind but the point is... there's still this tugging feeling inside me, telling me to step away, telling me to stop being a slave to habit, telling me to put an end to my senseless following of people whenever they go.

To be fairly honest, in spite of the fact that I know that many of my friends can be trusted, a small voice behind my head is beginning to ask these questions: "But what if they aren't? What if they'll turn their back on me? Can I really trust them?" That, of course, is something only I can answer, but then again, due to present circumstances, I can't say that I have a clear answer to that yet. (It is quite tempting to try saying "NO, I can't trust them" but...) I guess this might've come from a belief of mine that "It's not learning how to trust, it's actually learning how to mistrust." I give my trust unconditionally at first, but as time passes by, well, it could grow, but more often than not, it fades for most people...

It's been close three months... and still, what really is my problem? I've been feeling and hearing different things as of late, and I'm not liking them, then again, I'm not sure what are they really. All I know is that they don't like my state of life now, and these irregular posts are just my irregular guesses as to what are they trying to convey...

For some odd reason, I find myself in a weird shituation right now. I don't know why but I think I've become a slave to habit and I don't know if it's a good one.

I used to be very well versed in the arts of solitude. One whole day without or minimal interaction seemed fine, but now, I can't seem to go an hour without bothering anyone to talk to me. I don't know if this is a good thing since this means I'm at least becoming more sociable, but then again, I do not wish to forget the ways of being alone.

Then here comes the next thing that I'm pondering about. Sure, I may want to be with people most of the time, but the problem is, I don't really know how. I usually end up just sitting next to them, listening to their conversations as if I were a ghost. I hear all their problems, all their rants about life, and I just can't help but to sit there and lament why can't I help them out. Then again, I can't even contribute much in a decent (even undecent) group conversation since I'm not a group type of person. And I find it difficult to go one-on-one with the people I'd love to talk to since they all prefer groups or at least they mostly stick with groups...

Darn... whatever this change may be, I don't like it. Sure, it may sound childish and immature for someone at the collegiate level, but I miss my old friggin' life!!! I want to go back to the times when everything was much simpler. When grades, money and friends never did matter. All that mattered at that time was myself, my own world and some people that I've made it part of.