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if i ever tell anyone that i think i have race ocd or intrusive thoughts about race its not me . i cant let anyone know but i guess i am by posting this anyway. im desperate for help but it wont come !

im forgetting all my sexual trauma in the bad way because now i cant remember if it happened or not or im just overreacting or what happened in the first place

i need him to hold me while i literally fucking sob

sounds bad but i wish my f/os wiuld just abuse me sometimes. i wouldnt like it but at least my worries are justified that they do hate me.

eczema acting up and im lonely . awful combo

im useless

i feel like panic attack is happening

im so fucking evil for being white istg and everyone hates me for saying this adn being upset about it i should just be baet up by everyone better than me (not white people)

i cant stop myself from doing it even though its bad

i keep seeing ppl put m.e.dic with other characters and making him a necrophile which is like.. disgusting and he would not fucking do that, but it just made me remember somethin. i had a nightmare once where i was cleaning up crimes for shady people aand some kids got me to go out there and they said they raped m.e.d.ic then dismembered him and put the body parts in trash bags and they wanted me to clean it up and dispose of it and expected me to go along with it and be normal. mind you i'm a selfshipper of him and stuff. and me in the dream just asked one thing and it was if i could hug the trash bags with his body parts in them before i had to bbury it because i was so upset. i dont remember the boys response but i remember taking them out to the woods, digging a hole, then just sitting there on the ground in shock and holding onto the bags and then i woke up like wtf. i hate my brain