The diary of Yuri Yoshida (September)
Tuesday, September 5th 2017.
I suspect Sayori is mentally ill.
Tuesday, September 5th 2017, again.
I apologize for the brevity of my previous entry, it was a note scribbled in the moment on my walk home from Sayoriโs home. Oh yes I should probably give some background, beginning with apologies for neglecting you for the last week or so. Not much has been happening in that time, besides of course continuing to fall deeper into the โSayori Tanaka rabbit holeโ as it were. But Iโm getting ahead of myself, I suppose I just want to write about her, anyway. We began exchanging poems last Friday. Everyone, aside from Natsuki, is very talented so far. But something about Sayoriโs work has stuck with me, Iโd assumed due to everything about her sticking with me. But it wasnโt until today, the meeting today was held in Sayoriโs living room and will be for the next two days I think due to school renovations. That I realized why, every poem she writes gives off an aura of childlike wonder and nostalgia, but! There is always an undertone of serious emotion, usually intertwining the nostalgia with melancholy.
After analyzing every poem she wrote over the last five days, which I have committed to memory and rewritten on your last page
I am realizing how creepy that sounds, whatever.
I am beginning to get the idea whether intentionally or not that they all may be a cry for help. This worries me.
Aside from my concerns for my sweet sunflower, this week has been good. I believe Natsuki and I are close to becoming friends, I believe that beyond her aggravating exterior she is in fact a sweet girl, I hope to see more of this girl in time.
Wednesday, September 6th 2017.
I often think that if I were to die now, I would want to die in the dark, to give myself some mercy from seeing my injuries and allow my imagination to create a heaven for me to see in my last moments.
I no longer wish to die in the dark.
I want to die in the radiant light of your glow, Sayori Tanaka. I will need no imagination to see heaven if my last view is your smile.
Thursday, September 7th 2017.
I do not know what to do, the last line of yesterdayโs entry disturbs me. It is the early hours of the morning and I am nursing a hangover presently as I write, I overindulged in Motherโs wine quite heavily. She will no doubt notice that much missing, and be rather upset.
But that is not my concern, in my inebriated chicken scratch I was able to make out โI crave you.โ After my hardly legible fantasies. You are the only one who will see it, yet I still feel dirty. I need a shower.
Friday, September 8th 2017.
Due to Monikaโs absence at school today, because of a knee and face injury acquired from โeating shitโ in track according to her message in the group chat, I hope she is okay. Sayori led the final meeting of the week, we did not share poems, instead simply talking and discussing future meetings. Ending with Sayori inviting all present members to spend the night at her home.
Natsuki declined, stating she had something to do at home. This leaves only me. Alone with Sayori in her home, all night, in only a few hours.
Friday, September 8th 2017, once more.
It is four am but I cannot sleep, I have learned two new things tonight:
Sayori is often wearing a back brace under her clothes due to โdegenerative disc diseaseโ I know nothing about this currently and didnโt want to come off as nosey, so I will research it at home.
She has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine that was hidden behind her large cow stuffed animal the last time I was in her room.
So far this is wonderful! I am currently sitting on a cot a few feet from her bed, watching her sleep. But earlier in the night we were listening to her music while attempting to draw each other, she is quite talented, I have her drawing of me folded in my bag, it will be going on my wall as soon as I get home!
Saturday, September 9th 2017.
After arriving home from Sayoriโs this afternoon I was grounded. Mother, as I predicted, is quite livid over my theft of her alcohol. This will prevent me from attending the literature club for the rest of the month, keeping me away from my sunflower, I am angry. But I deserve this.
That aside I did some research:
โdegenerative disc diseaseโ or DDD is a chronic condition in which the discs between the vertebrae of oneโs spine for lack of a better term; rot away. Usually in the lower back, this can cause pinched nerves and intense pain, it is not common in people our age and there is no known cure, only fixes for the pain and suffering.
This puts a pit in my stomach, how much pain is she in every day?
Sunday, September 10th 2017.
Monday, September 11th 2017.
Looking back, yesterday was a pathetic display, I could have described my day in some way or at least write something other than that. Regardless, tomorrow, or in this case today, is another day. I saw her at lunch today, it was very nice as it always to see her, Monika was back in school today, she has looked better. The majority of her face is severely road burned and she is hobbling despite her knee brace.
Despite this she is just as on top of it as ever it seems.
The rest of my day was miserable.
Wednesday, September 13th 2017.
The last two days have been my lowest point so far, I miss the literature club, I miss Sayori. I hate Mother, I hate myself.
Wednesday, September 13th 2017, again.
After looking at the groupchat it would seem Natsuki is no longer attending club meetings, she also isnโt sitting with us at lunch anymore.
After speaking with her privately over text I have gathered that her Father doesnโt want her to associate with us anymore, she is keeping in contact over text.
Saturday, September 16th 2017.
I apologize for not keeping up with you, I have been too utterly miserable to bother. But not today. Mother wasnโt home today to watch me and Sayori announced her plans to go out with some friends.
I followed her, not like a stalker! I was in plain sight, she could have seen me at any time, luck would have it she did not. I observed from afar to make sure she was safe, she was! And happy! These friends treat her well, I trust them with her.
Sunday, September 24th 2017.
I am terrible, I am despicable, I am a horrible person and I deserve to die.
I ruined her, I have broken her image forever.
With her face in my mind lust took control, guiding my hand to sin.
My hand has sinned and it is unforgivable.
Evil, wicked, ugly, disgusting and disgraceful.
Even now the blood that runs down my fingers cannot wash them clean.
I can never see her again, I can never meet her eyes.
Tuesday, September 26th 2017.
I skipped school yesterday and now today, I couldnโt face her.
I have been thinking hard about last Sunday, coming to the conclusion that I am a teenager, hormonal by nature, with how much space she takes up in my mind this was inevitable and I was perhaps being a little dramatic.
Regardless I would still like not to repeat it.
I think it would be best for me to put you away until I can return to the literature club in November.