aspen/24/us

tw// disordered eating, depression, anxiety, suicidality, chronic health conditions... yeah basically proceed with caution

no fucking clue if anyone is still here or if anyone will see this at all.

i've been feeling nostalgic for the old internet. i miss being a 15 year old fangirl on dan and phil tumblr. i miss knowing all my favorite youtubers' upload schedules by heart. i miss knowing that, no matter what they made, it was made by people.

i'm empathetic toward the person i was when i made this blog. young, fiercely ambitious, intense. i can't lie--it paid off. i'm living my absolute dream life. i'm intellectually fulfilled in grad school, i'm living my values by diving into political organizing, i have a wonderful network of loved ones.

that's not the full story, though. and i feel some sense of responsibility to share that with anyone who saw something i posted and felt they should be more like me. (if any of those people exist, and they probably don't, lol.)

if you've ever followed this blog, you're someone who consumed aspirational study content for fun. if that's the case, there's a good chance you're like me. endlessly self-abnegating, pinning your value entirely on your achievements. maybe, like me, your mental health has been shitty for as long as you can remember. you were so tightly wound that you swung in the other direction and made strings of irrational and dangerous choices.

in dealing my mental health, and my addiction in particular, i'm discovering that i conditioned myself when i was young to sacrifice my own happiness to whatever extent necessary to be "good." when i was young, that meant getting perfect grades and getting into good colleges. everything seemed linear and straightforward. the harder i worked, the more i studied, the more effective and efficient i became, the better the outcome would be.

things didn't work out that simply, though. sure, i got into exclusive colleges, but i couldn't afford any of them. so i went to a party school instead. i felt i would need to work even harder to make up for the lack of prestige the name carried, so i got two degrees in four years, alongside research, and internship, and clubs.

doing that broke me.

i was drinking, smoking, and/or doing other drugs daily to cope with the sheer amount of work i had to do. i started taking caffeine pills and eating one meal a day. i was spending hours a day in the most horrific forums i could find, arguing with incels and white supremacists. i was underweight, i couldn't stand up quickly without almost passing out, i was irritable all the time, i cried for hours every day. i was suicidal.

one day, while my dad was helping me move into my new apartment, i collapsed and had a seizure. i had another in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. i'm still on anticonvulsants to this day.

it feels weird to post this on such a cutsey blog, but i think it belongs here. the person who wrote all this aspirational stuff is also the person who's been through all this shit. that's okay.

i might keep posting here. i miss the vibe of blogging.

also, if anyone reads this, you should know that i will never, ever, ever, EVER use generative ai for this blog. it's all comin out of this brain, baby! it would defeat the entire fun of it to make a computer do it instead.

hey y’all! i documented my day today!

6:00- uh oh there’s the alarm! 

6:05- skincare and throw on some workout clothes

6:20- oatmeal and coffee!

6:40- drive to my research lab

7:00- taking blood glucose of my lab rats

8:30- head home

8:50- snack (crackers and hummus) and work on an essay for my logic class

9:30- organic chemistry lecture

11:00- meeting for my group project for my technical communication class

12:00- lunch; i prepped some tilapia with pesto+sweet potatoes+fajita mix earlier this week!

12:40- back to lab to collect blood glucose levels again!

2:30- FINALLY time for a workout. i went for a run then took a quick shower!

3:30- work on my discussion posts and quizzes for my analytical philosophy class

4:00- more work on my logic essay and the final project for. my logic class

4:30- watch a few physiology lectures and run through flashcards 

6:00- cook up some dinner; i had a mahi mahi burger (from trader joe’s-delicious!), 2 eggs, and a small spinach salad! yummmm

7:00- hang out with my roommates until it’s time for bed!

hey y’all! it’s been a while, but i’ve been thinking about this blog a lot recently, and i miss it :) i feel i’m returning with a lot more perspective and experience!

so, for those of you who don’t know, i am studying two degrees at once: a b.s. in biochemistry and a b.a. in philosophy with an ethics emphasis. this makes my schedule absolutely crazy sometimes, so i’ve learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t. 

really quick disclaimer: there’s lots of things i did that i probably wouldn’t if i had to do it all over again. i think they probably contributed to my misery. however, i’m still where i am today, so i don’t ultimately regret them. as a result, i’ll just be talking about the things i think i did well, not those that i think i didn’t. these are a few of the most important principles i hold dear to stay sane!

1. take care of your body.

i’m a big believer in the synergy of the brain and body (hello, descartes). it definitely doesn’t look the same for everyone, but for me, this means cooking 95% of my meals, meal prepping, weightlifting, and doing yoga. when i’m working out and eating well consistently, i feel so much better about my studies. it doesn’t always have to look like this, though; i have friends who enjoy walking, or running marathons, or kickboxing, or dance classes. if my schedule is too busy for me to do these things, i adjust my schedule. 

2. take care of your mind.

your mental health is tantamount to your academic success. i learned take days off. i meditate daily for about 5 minutes (using the headspace app). i go to therapy. these things aren’t realistic for everyone, but putting more effort into taking care of my psyche has made a world of difference in my academic life. 

3. find good friends.

this might be the most important item in this list. in college, i’ve made friends in many different fields. they all have unique perspectives and backgrounds. most importantly, they’re freaking COOL. i think that the best friends are supportive, nurturing, and receptive to your feelings. having a good support system has truly changed the game. 

4. if you can, adjust your living situation.

covid has made this impossible for many, but i’ve been lucky enough to move close to my university and out of my parents’ house. i love my family, but the environment was not at all conducive to my studies. i’m doing much better now that i’m out of there. 

5. nail down your planning system.

this is something everyone can do! play around with your planning system to see what works best for you. i’m a pen-and-paper person, but many of my friends love digital! 

i just finished up my first semester of college. it was an absolute emotional roller coaster. 

i had to return to my high school a few days ago to pick up my ib diploma. walking around those halls, i was struck by how absolutely nothing had changed since i left. my teachers, my friends, all the comforts of home. 

but i realized that i had changed.

for the first time in my life, i am happy. 

i realized that every morning was a battle in high school.  i remember waking up with tears streaming down my face. i remember how i felt immense amount of stress. all the time. from dance, from school, from family, from thinking about the future. 

it was the constant friction with authority that wore on me. i felt i couldn’t express myself, take a break when i needed to, breathe for even a moment without someone questioning what i was doing or why. i felt i couldn’t spend time with the people that mattered to me most. time whizzed by, and i felt like i was doing nothing. i felt suffocated. 

in my first few weeks of college, i felt so lost. i struggled with talking to new people. i felt so alone, and i just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. i felt like i didn’t have an identity. i wasn’t dancing, i wasn’t at the top of my class. i felt like the shell of a person. 

but over time, i bonded with the people around me. i found hobbies and clubs to invest my time into. i embraced my freedom to do whatever i wanted to with my time and energy. i discovered that i was actually more extroverted than i thought. i found myself doing the things i had always envisioned myself doing in high school: meditating every day, crushing my classes, going to the gym, becoming vegetarian. the factors that had always held me back are gone.

i’m finally happy.