Let's Continue...

I’ve been finding myself reverting to my pre-medicated state of mind. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I had to reschedule a doctors appointment over a week ago to this coming Thursday. My family doctor prescribed me Prozac to help with my anxiety and depression. I ran out of said medication on Tuesday of this week. It’s only been a few days, but I can feel my depressive tendencies  creeping up in my brain. Everything is a process... Everything is a process. I have to remind myself of this often, and no one can predict the ups and downs of life. This particular moment is just a down, and I will be up again when I am able to get my medication. I was spiritually drained this week as well. Halloween was Wednesday and I went to a party with a friend and was a modern day oracle. I brought my tarot cards with me not realizing everyone at the party would ask for a reading. Between the drunk people and being zapped from the readings its no wonder my depression and anxiety were creeping back. I was exhausted. Both mentally and physically.  But, let’s continue..

Headspace is a great meditation app if anyone is interested. I’ve used this app multiple times this week to help deal with the anxiety that I deal with. Guided meditation isn’t something that I every considered to be helpful. Normally, If I was going to meditate I would just meditate and let my mind wonder. Now I realize that meditation that someone guides is just as peaceful. I’ve just needed to find the right person. Guided meditation also helps discipline my mind. Provides order amidst the chaos. On another note i have gotten SUPER lazy this week. Laundry has piled up, my schedule book looks like a mess and my house is just as bed.

If you couldn’t tell earlier, I am a little scattered brained (I hope you can get past that). I said that freedom was my true why, and that is true, but there is more. 

    I’m currently reading this fantastic book -Girl, Wash Your Face- by Rachel Hollis and it has just gave me that extra push to do a blog (thanks for the final push Rachel!) . The start of this idea was born into my scattered brained mind about two months ago when I discovered bullet journals. 

If you’re writing in a journal, why are you doing a blog? 

Well, blogging (especially on tumblr) allows me to get feedback, and best of all it allows my experience to possibly help someone else! I love my bullet journal. It’s totally tailored to my tastes and it helps me stay on track with life. But, it isn’t enough. My scattered brain likes organization, minimalism, and proper spelling. I am not the best speller in the world and I am ashamed to admit that without spell check, this would look horrible (honestly it probably does anyway because grammar isn’t my forte either). Fast forward to the end of September, beginning of October. The next push was given to me by my therapist.

    I started seeing a therapist around a month ago to help with some personal issues I was going through and she asked if I liked to journal. Due to the newness and how excited I was about the beginning of my bullet journal journey I raved about how much more organized I was feeling due to the forced structure I was having to put into my journal. Fast forward two more weeks from my first appointment and surprise surprise, I was still having issues. The journal wasn’t allowing me to spill my soul enough. Now fast forward again to about two hours ago. I’m a good 65% of the way through this book and it’s like I have this need to spill my soul to the fullest. I want to tell my lies and move past them with speed. But, as with most things this process will take time. There is no speeding through issues and self discovery without road blocks and wrong turns. Which takes me to my next mission: find the lies that I tell myself everyday and write about them. Lies about myself aren’t what I want this blog to be about in part. I also want this blog to be my brain dump and I want my readers to hold me accountable for making posts. 

But wait, doesn’t that make your readers sound like babysitters? 

If you didn’t read the description of this blog, let me reiterate:  I want to start off by saying welcome! Welcome to my brain. Welcome to my blog that is the place where I dump my problems, insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, and unspoken issues. Let's continue..

For the sake of my anonymity, I will not be sharing my age, name, location, or any other tells of who I might be. And I know how ridiculous that might be.

Why would you type it out if you don’t want anyone to know? Isn’t that the point of a blog? Why would you want parts that most people try to hide in the open? Why are you baring your soul when someone might recognize you? Why? Why are you doing this?...

The answer is both easy and complicated. Easy because if what i’m going through can help someone else, then I want to do that. I like helping people. This is complicated because I will most likely share something that I don’t want people in my personal life to know. At least not yet. It’s the not yet part of this that is key. I will tell those people at some point, but I don’t want to keep it bottled up. Until this point, when I made this tumblr, when I made a fake email account to make this tumblr, I was bottling it up... No more. No more will I bottle up my insecurities, fears, hopes, dreams, issues... 

Freedom. Freedom is my true why.