Processing Abuse

shoutout to people who don't have any sweet or nostalgic childhood memories. to people who don't remember enough of their childhood to know what the before was like. to people who lost their innocence before they ever learned the word for it. to people whose pasts were too painful to keep around in any form. to people who only knew trauma, and don't have an idea of what life would be like without it. to people who can't long for "the better days" because there weren't any.

you had a bad moment. a bad series of moments. you were struggling with mental health or addiction. you were selfish. you were an asshole. you made a mistake. whatever happened, you hurt someone you cared about.

you should make an effort to repair the harm done. you should take accountability, responsibility, face the consequences as a result. but maybe they don’t forgive you. they don’t ever want to speak with you again. they hate you.

that’s okay too. you are not forever tainted by their lack of forgiveness. you do not need to live forever with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. you are allowed to move on, too. you cannot deny what happened or the harm caused or even deny them their own response to it. but their response to it is not your responsibility, only your actions and their consequences are.

They also convince you that the world inside of their house, and the world outside, are two different worlds, and only the outside is 'the real world', and it's a place you, according to them, know nothing about, and would never survive in. Outside world is at the same time filled with dangerous individuals, who would hurt you (unlike your parents, who also hurt you, but those outsiders would hurt you worse, apparently), and filled with stupid people who know nothing and are to be insulted and humiliated (abusive parents will often degrade homeless people, minorities, addicts and anyone they deem less worthy, and you'll be stuck in feeling like at least you're not them, but at the same time scared you'll become them, and then you'll be degraded just like that as well.)

In this 'us versus them' situation, your parents are the smartest, the only ones who know what the 'correct way to live is', and the 'correct way to raise children'. They'll tell you how you're supposed to think, behave, speak and act. Their words are the highest truth and not to be questioned or criticized; any criticism will be met with hostility and attacks, and insisting that any other way of thinking would convert them to the 'non desirables' (see above about the minorities and homeless people).

And the thing is, this is a tactic that cults use to make people unable to leave. Convincing people that the thinking and methods inside are vastly superior and better, that anyone outside who doesn't follow their methods is stupid, tainted, incapable of normal life, and that people outside are simultaneously stupid and wrong, but also dangerous, hateful, capable of doing intense harm to you, that's how the cults terrify people into belief that they can never live outside. That it's both dangerous and wrong to even want to.

Yes, there are people out there who had good parents, who were difficult kids to raise. There are people who grew up hating the advice their parents gave, and then realized over the course of growing up that their parents were right.

There do exist members of the population were wrong as kids, who learned better, and have a good relationship with their parents as adults.

It's hard growing up. You're learning to be an entire person and a lot of times, even if the circumstances are perfect, relationships can be strained due to influences outside of anyone's control, and kids can blame their parents for things that aren't their parents fault.

Those people, who had good parents but had difficulties growing up...don't always realize that their experience isn't universal.

So, when they meet an abuse victim who is talking about their abuse or who has mentioned cutting off contact with their family, it tends to be their own experiences they draw from.

So they'll give advice like, "did you try talking to them," or, "but they're only looking out for you," or even, "but they're your family!"

Not because it's the right advice for you, but because it's the advice they would give to themselves.

They remember a time when they were furious with their parents over something they(the child) was in the wrong for, and they project that onto you.

They produce a solution to the wrong problem. They assume your situation is like theirs.

Made worse by the fact that a lot of people just straight up don't want to think about the fact that abuse exists so they tend to reject the possibility.

And it is frustrating, to be talking about something we've suffered only to have the other person take our parent's side without really understanding the situation.

But it's important to know that...they don't understand the situation.

Which means that their advice doesn't neccesarily apply.

Not everyone who is well meaning has good advice.

And...I don't know. There are also people who were abused who have internalized it in such a way that they think what happened to them is fine and that this is just normal. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Then when people outside the situation hear the story, they tend not to believe it because "no one would react that way. Have you tried talking it out?"

People who have never been in that situation simply do not understand, and their advice tends to lean toward solving a comunication issue

They think you can simply...talk it out with the person who is abusive toward you. They can't conceive of a world where you talk things out and it doesn't work.

They do not understand that you've spent your whole life talking it out. They don't get that there people who refuse to listen, and even if they do on some level have that awareness, they don't understand the power dynamic at play.

Abuse involves someone having control over another and abusing that control, which means a victim might not be able to leave.

Which, again, someone who has never been in that situation just might not GET the implications of that.

Not every insult sounds like 'your stupid' or 'your ugly'

Abusers may not say 'your just crazy' when they try to gaslight you. They may say things along the lines of

'you dont even try'

'if you were smarter you would ____'

'why can't you be normal?'

When trying to insult you

They may say something along the lines of

'Well I'm sorry that's what you *thought* I did'

'you need a therapist your mental illness is changing your perception'

'why do you argue everything'

When they try to gaslight you

Lots of abusers try to be subtle about how they insult and manipulate you so they can hide behind plausible deniability.

"we weren't trying to insult/manipulate you we'd *never* do that! I can't believe this is what you think of us. That just shows that *you're* in the wrong. You need to apologize"

Sound familiar?