Problematic Fan Works

This is the ritual to lead me on.

Coffee World time

reference:

Someone had to pick up the pieces.

And that was what he did, right? The real job every agent knew they were signing up for was janitorial.

Alan was gone. It didn’t feel real to Barry, and maybe that was why he was the one in Alice’s kitchen making her dinner when she couldn’t even get out of bed. Alan was gone, but Barry walked by his office and expected to hear him groaning at his desk about a sentence he liked too much and knew he has to cut. Alan was gone, and he even took his last manuscript with him.

Real selfish, Al, Barry thought, don’t you know I’ve gotta eat, too? He knocked on the door that led to what was Alan and Alice’s bedroom. He waited. She didn’t say anything, but the light escaping under the crack of the bedroom door was on, always on. (Not like Barry didn’t keep every light in his home running as well. Alan was still paying for their electricity bills.) He left her plate by the door, like maybe the smell of it would coax her out.

Barry had never liked her. Alice had never liked him much back. They both loved Alan too much, and they had both walked away alive because he hadn’t.

He figured out a new course for himself: the Old Gods of Asgard, who partied like they were half their age and drank like death couldn’t touch them. Repping them was a dream come true. Even when they finally faltered, one last tour while Barry set up funds for a retirement home. He should have made sure the construction was going as planned in person.

He couldn’t. Bright Falls swallowed his best friend whole, and he was supposed to believe it wasn’t hungry for seconds? Not a chance. But that old crazy pair headed back into the maw of the town like they were used to holding it wide open with swords. (He’d been rereading Alan’s books too much. His metaphors took root in Barry’s head. He still has Alan’s voice on talkshows and radio interviews, but his books sounded more like him than anything. With a plummet in Barry’s stomach, he wondered if Alan really did belong on the page, in a story, all along.)

The movies took most of the narration word-for-word. Barry had to fight for that, had to call in more favors than he really had to spare.

What else was he supposed to do, sit on the rights to Alex Casey and let him rot away in those books? Let him die in there?

Alan would have loved hearing the words he wrote on the screen. He would have hated that Barry made them change the ending, even if only a little bit, just the suggestion that his title character didn’t bleed out in a back alley, that maybe the light he saw before his eyes shut for the final time wasn’t hellfire or heaven’s gates, but a friendly flashlight and a person looking to help.

They had cut-outs of Alan at the premiere next to ones of the stars. Barry had thought it was funny when he’d ordered them.

He hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d seen Alan’s face like that, so clear and close. The years were passing, and Barry felt every single one. Suddenly, the plan to smuggle one into the back of his car and drive it home seemed a lot less funny with no one else there to laugh about it.

He couldn’t bring himself to go back to Bright Falls, but some nights, Night Springs was on the air. Some nights, Alan’s words came to find him rather than the other way around.

And Barry thought, maybe this time, as the signal on his janky TV fuzzed out and Alan’s old dialogue faded — maybe this time Barry would shut his eyes and when he opened them again, there would be a page on the floor, telling him what he was supposed to do next, telling him he wasn’t holding onto that last sliver of hope in vain.

Geralt narrows his eyes. “What do you want, Jaskier?”

“Seeing as how I’ve made you famous, and I flatter myself that this has eased you path somewhat, why, this very inn not only took us in but even offered us a discounted rate-”

“What do you want, Jaskier?” Testier this time.

“Ahh. Well. Let me put it plainly: I’m in need of a favour.”

Geralt raises one eyebrow, in an expression he knows speaks volumes.

“I need you to come with me to Lettenhove this winter and pose as my fiancé.”

Geralt nearly drops the sword he’s sharpening. A million thoughts whip through his mind, but one is most pressing: “Why, for Melitele’s sake?”

Jaskier waves a hand in a vague and non-descriptive gesture. “It’s a court thing, you know how families are, and my mother has made it abundantly clear that it’s time for me to settle down and this year I’m to return affianced or else she’ll select someone for me. And I can’t get hitched to some local lady, Geralt, I simply can’t, it’ll ruin my bardic appeal, not to mention my employment prospects, and of course I won’t be able to travel with you, and it’s-”

Geralt holds up a hand to ward off the wall of words. The idea of no longer travelling with Jaskier is unconscionable, not that he’d ever admit that out loud. And they spend so much time together they’re practically married anyway. How hard could it be to pretend for a few days?

“Fine,” he says gruffly.

“Oh, Geralt, you are wonderful.” Jaskier beams and throws his arms around Geralt’s neck. Geralt growls, but secretly, it’s actually rather nice.

so when geralt makes that last wish with the djinn he just wishes that he’ll never lose those he loves

bc he looks at yennefer and is terrified that after that day they’ll go their seperate ways and never see each other again, so the djinn makes sure they KEEP crossing paths

he looks at jaskier and he knows that the fragile human bard is going to grow old and die, so the djinn makes him immortal

and he looks at roach and, well, he knows its fairly unlikely he’ll be without a horse for any extended period of time, but it won’t be the same, it wont be roach.

so the djinn makes sure that it is roach. every time geralt gets a new horse its a grumpy brown one who recognises him and already responds to her name, and thats why every horse he’s ever had is named roach.

No, no. It's all wrong. Jaskier is feral. Geralt is tired. Did y'all watch the show?? Read a single chapter of the books??? Played an hour of the games???

Think of that djinn scene. Y'all know the one. "Your voice is like a fillingless pie." Here's the thing: Geralt just wanted a nap. That's it. Just some sleepy time. Mans couldn't sleep. Good night. Jaskier wanted his ex to come crawling back to him while the man she left him for dropped dead from sudden-onset apoplexy without even stuttering. Geralt is the "Butcher of Blaviken." Jaskier is named after a flower.

Now think of the entirety of Butchers and Banquets. Did we watch the same episode? Geralt just wanted to sit in the back and let it go by as a favour for his barker who wouldn't shut his daft ass up begging him for it until he finally gave in anyway. Jaskier couldn't get 2 minutes into it before a member of the royal family cornered him and threatened his life because Jaskier physically could not stop himself from sleeping with his wife. Feral.

but then it comes up around Yennefer and she’s like ‘oh yeah his powers stop working when you’re around’

Geralt: his what now?

Yennefer: his powers of charm & seduction. they stop working when you’re around.

Geralt: ?????

Yennefer: he says your face throws him off

Geralt: jaskier has powers of seduction?

Yennefer: of course he does?? how did you think he got me to sleep with him? he’s very charming. but only when you aren’t there.

Geralt: …

Geralt:

jaskier: let me kiss it better :)

geralt: what no

magical inhuman!jaskier: *smooch* there :)

Jaskiers never been close to someone who gets injured as badly, or as often, as Geralt. and hes never been close to somone who knows what its like to be injured as well as Geralt.

He knows that when he kisses a bruise, the pain goes away - and bleeding wounds often aren’t as dramatic as they first seemed before he kissed them. But thats just how kisses work, right? thats the whole point of “kissing it better” - it hurts less when you are cared for, and once you’ve calmed down you’ll see there was nothing to panic about anyway.

But Geralt knows somethings up. When he’s injured he knows exactly how badly, how painfully, and how long it should take to heal. what he doesnt know is what the fuck Jaskier is and what the hell he’s just done to him.