Maybe I'm better off dead

I honestly don’t understand this. I don’t understand a lot in reality. But this truly confuses me. I’ve lost you and not to death. Then I’d still have a part of you. You left me though. Left by your own choice. You said it was my fault and I don’t know how. I wish I still had you. I still subconsciously go to tell you what happened right after. I want to tell you how horrible my days have been. Or because I talked to a guy. Or simply cause I saw a cute dog. But I can’t. I want to be able to erase pictures and items that are memories like people do after a breakup. But when you’ve known someone so long you can’t just erase it. Almost every camera roll memory I get is with you. I look at my posts, at my camera roll and I see you. I can’t erase the last 12 years of my life. I can’t erase the memories that arise when I see the book you gave me, or the cup I’ve been using daily without a thought. I can’t just make those things go away. I see a picture and then I remember, remember when we’d had fun together. Then the pain sets in when I realize that we won’t be able to make any good memories anymore. All the new memory’s will be through anger or pain. I didn’t know our friendship could end so tragically

11/28/22