MyLittleAna

Sometimes, I feel like a fake bc I'm no longer willing to die for this. I plan to reach a new lw (110 lbs) and then try to sit comfortably around 115 lbs. I'm tiny at 115, I'm not underweight, but my thighs don't touch, my stomach is mostly flat (and I can easily do more core workouts to get my belly where I want it), my arms look like sticks, my face is slim and my cheek bones go crazy, plus my skin starts to get suuuper clear @ 115. I also believe if I stay under 115 or try to go lower than 110, my bf will 100% notice I'm starving and try to get me like committed or something 😅 Plus, he has no idea what weight looks like, so at 115 I can get away with saying I'm between 120-130 and he believes it as long as his grandma doesn't say something 😭 she's the same height as I am and 80 years old so yk she was around for all the diet culture, so she knows what she looked like at like 90+ lbs and definitely calls me out 😅 I was around 115 about 2 years ago and she said something about how skinny I was getting, my bf said something like 'she's like 130, I told her she needs to gain some weight' and that lady looked at me like I was nuts 🤣 I said 'it's more like 115 now' she's like 'yeah, that sounds right' like 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ and he waited until we left, but he was like 'you literally told me you were like 130 yesterday' 😬 I did not have a good excuse, really. So, trying to avoid that again. I can probably get away with lying about 5 lbs. Especially once I start working out my core and glutes more bc he'll think I'm gaining muscles and that's why I look smaller than the weight I'm giving. And as long as he thinks I'm being healthy (ie I eat every meal he's around for) he's not gonna think too much of it. I have to be smarter this time than I have been in the past. I probably need to stop losing as fast as I am, though. I'm at 120.6 now, which ik 3lbs in a week isn't much in the community, but it is pretty quick to normal people lol so as much as it's gonna kill me, I gotta slow it down 🙃 Anyway, I'll update yall when I'm under 120 🫶🏻🥰

I haven't ate today (yayy. Only 1:30ish tho so not that big a feat) and don't plan to till dinner, I weighed myself this morning, down to 121.4, so hopefully I'll be under 120 next time I weigh myself. We're doing deer tacos (amazing bc deer is leaner than hamburger, so it's got less cals 🥰 but then you've got the tortilla shells and I just can't understand why they have to be so high cal smh) for dinner and I'm so torn on how I feel. Deer tacos are so good, they're literally my favorite food, but I know they're high in cals regardless. Not eating all day gives me a leg up bc I'll still be under 1000 cals regardless, but it's still a lot 😭😭 Anyway, impatiently waiting for 5 to roll around so I can start making dinner, eat, and get everything I need to do done for the night so I can go to bed 🫩

Someone explain to me why when I'm deep in ana, my food is like precious metals. I don't want anyone taking bites of my food, I don't even want people to use my sauces. Like this is MINE. Yet, when I'm a complete fatass and eat whatever I want with no concern for my weight, I could share an entire meal with someone and having less doesn't matter. How does that make sense?

I'm starting to become more aware of my body again. In the good way. In the way that my arms are getting smaller and my thighs are touching less. I'm always overly aware when I gain weight, but it usually takes me longer to notice the loss. Like my collarbones starting to potrude when I'm relaxed, I normally wouldn't notice that until they could hold water or it's pointed out to me. I'm not skinny yet, not nearly where I want to be. But seeing my body for what it really looks like is definitely helping.

So, turned out, my birthday was basically exactly a week from the post I made saying I wanted to be down to 115 by my birthday in 2 weeks 🙃 I was thinking 'my birthday is 2 weeks into the month and we're only on the first week' the 7th was a Tuesday girl be so fr rn 😭 Anyway, definitely not hitting 115 from 123 in less than a week, but hopefully I can get under 120 by Saturday bc we're going out for my birthday this Saturday since my birthday is towards the beginning of the week this year. I'll cry if I wake up Saturday still over 120 🫣

I skipped ice cream (my favorite binge food) twice yesterday, not saying I did perfectly, but at least I didn't eat the ice cream. I can go without it. I control myself.

The only plus that comes with the feeling of betrayal is my appetite plummets. I'm physically sick for weeks. My stomach is in knots and everything is through me in half the normal amount of time. It's almost like one of those gut cleanses, but like for free and I don't even have to eat or drink anything gross! I just have to lose my entire mind.

I keep seeing that image on your screen over and over in my head. I know you lied to me, but I can't say it. The words won't come out. I can't disturb the little bit of peace we've finally "found." Just stay quiet, hold it in, because the alternative is to make sure it can never happen again. Only so many ways, none of them particularly good, but I could do it. I could find a curse or a spell, use my bare hands, I could even be below good old-fashioned manipulation, mess with your mind until you're too scared to continue, there are a number of ways. You said you liked crazy, is this what you meant? Or did you mean the girl that has makeup sex every other day? I'm not the girl that starts problems to find that solution you like so much. I sit in the problem until I can't take it anymore, then I change. I'm a good person, but sometimes I turn sideways, upside down. I turn into something different than me. He'll see.

I'm 125.4 lbs guys!!! I haven't even been starving and I ate a big dinner last night!! Happy 4th of July to me!!! 🥰🥰