Pretentious Record Store Guy

Edward Scissorhands vs. The Pixies

I never thought I’d see The Pixies live in concert.  Why would I? They had broken up while I was in high school and the level of animosity among them was something to behold. They HATED each other. Kim Deal and Black Francis couldn’t stand one another. I had their albums dubbed and overdubbed on a handful of cassette tapes scattered around my room. When the opportunity came to see Frank Black, I leapt at the chance, figuring it was the closest I’d come to seeing The Pixies live. And it was... for a time.

The first time I saw Frank Black he played one Pixies song, and only then semi-reluctantly. The second time I saw Frank Black (now with The Catholics) he played half a dozen Pixies songs and he was enjoying the shit out of it. Eventually, Cold Wars thaw.

Then I heard the rumors about The Pixies reuniting at Coachella. No way. Couldn’t be, could it? It was. It could. I wanted to make it Coachella, but having just graduated college the year before, I was stuck at an entry level position with barely enough money to make the rent, let alone a trip to California. When a Fall tour was announced, I knew they’d be close by, and I would have to find a way to make the show.

I did. To this day, that show is tied with the Weezer reunion tour as the best show I’ve ever seen. The Thrills (whom I LOVE) opened for them, and The Pixies played better than I could have dreamed they would (and I dreamed about this moment for a long, long time). Like I said, it was the best show I’ve ever seen, and I worked at a record store and have seen hundreds and hundreds of shows. 

Just like the Dandy Warhols said, “it was as cool as Kim Deal.”

For this fake poster I designed before the show, I thought of Edward Scissorhands because he reminds me of The Pixies. He looks menacing and dangerous at first glance, with these sharp scissors for hands, pasty complexion, and punk rock hair straight out of the 70′s, but really he’s this beautiful soul who is frightened of the world, has so much love and compassion to give, and only wants to make cool, original things. That was The Pixies. They were strange, and different, and looked unlike most bands in the hair metal era of the late 80s, but they just made cool things. And those cool things influenced an entire generation that followed them. Without The Pixies, there would be no Nirvana, no Radiohead, no Beck, and no Modest Mouse. Without The Pixies (and Frank Black), Art Brut’s seminal record Art Brut vs. Satan would never have been given life. The Pixies were everything to me at one time (and still are). Seeing The Pixies live didn’t change my life because I was past that point of time. But it did make it better. Listening to The Pixies... that changed my life. And they’ll change your life too. 

Nada Surf with Rogue Wave & King of France

There are lots of records out there. Some are good. Most are bad. These are my 500 Favorite Records. That doesn’t mean they are the 500 Greatest Records of All Time (though you could make a case for them), but they are simply my favorite. Presented in alphabetical order from A-Z. Enjoy.

I just awoke from a medically induced coma to discover that the long, lost album by The Stratford 4 was released TWO YEARS AGO... WTF?!

This album was on my most-anticipated list of 2004. It has everything to make a  hipster power pop lover swoon: Ric Ocasek production, James Jean cover art, shoe-gazey songs with a pop sheen, and a band coming off a fantastic sophomore record with Love and Distortion. And then Elektra went under, the band broke up, and this album was shelved indefinitely. 

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. This record sits on the top shelf along with Vue’s Down for Whatever as two early 00s masterpieces whose releases suffered from the collapse of the record industry. 

Pour out a sip of your IPAs for these unreleased homeys. 

To be honest, I never thought I’d hear it until I stumbled across it when I went to download their first two records on my Apple Music account. I did a double take. Was this it? It was. 

And you know what? It’s as amazing as I hoped it would be. I suppose some things are worth the wait. 

This Is My Adult Contemporary Record Cover

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article originally appeared on MySpace back when Adam Brody still had a career and indie love was still looked upon with hope and reverence because Zooey Deschanel and Deathcab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard were over the moon for one another. Time is a motherfuck.   

If you’re like me then you’re 5′10″, rail thin, ridiculously good looking and your hair is the elixir from which dreams are made. You’re also a pretentious music fan - an aficionado of the underground - the litmus test by which any band who is anyone will be judged and blogged by before their fist single even makes it to a mall to be sold at Sam Goody and purchased by know-nothings who will only buy whatever Rolling Stone, Spin or A.P. advertisers steer them towards. We are the taste makers that serve up our sacrificial lambs to the mainstream so that they can die and be be resurrected in the temple of rock.

SIDE NOTE: I suppose today it would be Pitchfork, Spotify, Pandora and Apple Music because nobody reads magazines anymore and record stores are rarer than Big Foot sightings.   You might even watch The O.C., which brings me to my point or rather to the question which I pose herein:

If an Indie band sold out on The O.C. would there be any hipsters left to watch?

More and more every concert I go to is being populated by a litany of teens and preteens. I now find myself having to navigate the narrows of the pit with sinewy, gawky, thirteen year olds who are all elbows, while their parents stand three feet behind me staring at me, silently judging me, while I drink my intoxicants and smoke my Camel lights.  This has seriously begun to dampen my joy for the live show, a staple of my pretentious existence. While I cannot hold this against the young, for we were all once preteen unpretentious music lovers at one time or another before we became schooled in rock, I do hold one man personally responsible. That man is Seth Cohen. Fuck Seth Cohen! Seth Cohen has ruined my life! He has taken the one thing in the world that I hold dear and prostituted it for the world to take turns with and discard after their momentary desire is satisfied. He has taken a great many of my favorite Indie bands and served them up for the mainstream masses to suckle upon their teat. And, oh how every band is lining up for their turn to bare their breasts! Now I am all for spreading the word and getting great music heard, but at the same time music is the one thing, the only thing that I care about. Discovering a band is a very special thing. Getting in on the ground floor, being one of the first people at the concert who knows all the songs, meeting the band after the show and helping spread the word through the underground is an unequaled experience.  When a band finally breaks the mainstream you feel some sort of satisfaction in knowing that you did your part to help them along the way; they will always be your own little special band. Not anymore. Now every Thursday Seth Cohen and The O.C. breaks my heart each week while serving up another one of my favorite bands to be gorged and devoured by mainstream America. And each passing week I feel a little bit sadder and a little bit older and a little bit more meaningless. Thanks a lot, Seth Cohen. If I could ever meet Seth Cohen this is what I would say, “Go fuck yourself, sir.”

Andrew Wood - The Jesus Christ of Grunge

I worked at a record store for most of my college days. The pay was terrible, the customers had bad taste (for the most part), and the owner was always doing some untoward stuff that later resulted in his partner kicking him out of the business… but it may have been the best job I’ve ever had. Why was it the best job ever?  Because my income was supplemented by an unending supply of promo CDs, first crack at all CDs being traded in by customers, and my name always happened to make it onto the guest list of two of the three big music venues in town. Plus my co-workers were a diverse group of equally music-obsessed nerds, punk rockers, hip-hop enthusiasts and an Anglophile manager who became one of my best friends. It was pretty epic, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.


Working in a record store also gave me special insight into crazy rabbit hole of music theory conspiracies. My buddy Ryan Shaw had this theory about Andrew Wood, the lead singer of Mother Love Bone and the first major heroin casualty of the grunge era. His theory was that Andrew Wood was the prophet that rock and roll was promised, that he would be overlooked and ridiculed in his own time, and then sentenced to death for the sins of rock and roll, only to be resurrected and live eternally through his disciples and their testimony. 


In other words, Andrew Wood was the Jesus Christ of Grunge who had to die for the sins of Hair Metal so that Rock and Roll could live on. 


SIDE NOTE: My buddy Ryan was an ordained minister who later became a trial lawyer, so that gives credence to the underpinning philosophy of the theory.  

Much like B.C. and A.D., prior to Andrew Wood there was no “Alternative” but after his death we started living in the Alternative age. Grunge, Indie and Nu-Metal, Emo, and Alt-Country were all new gospels that were written in the aftermath of Andrew Wood’s passing... So if Andrew Wood was the Jesus Christ of Grunge, who were his apostles?

Stone Gossard as SIMON/PETER - The rock upon which the Temple of the Dog was built, literally. Stone Gossard is the through line for the Seattle sound and was ever present in its inception. From his time at Green River to Mother Love Bone to Temple of the Dog to Pearl Jam and then Brad, Gossard was the foundation stone. Without Stone Gossard, would there even be grunge? Stone is the rhythm (along with his brother Jeff Ament) from which the music is manifested. Gossard may never have been front and center in all of the bands he formed, but he spoke softly and carried a big axe.

Chris Cornell as JOHN - John was the disciple whom Jesus loved the most. 
Chris was Andrew’s roommate and best friend. When Andrew overdosed, Chris was on a European tour with Soundgarden striking his own Jesus Christ pose. Chris was so grief stricken with the loss that he immediately wrote two songs “Say Hello 2 Heaven” and “Reach Down” about Wood. Chris showed them to Stone and Jeff, and Temple of the Dog was formed to honor their late friend. Chris would later hit mainstream success with Soundgarden and with Audioslave (which was just okay but waaaayyy to mellow for a band composed of members of Rage Against the Machine and Soundgarden).


Jeff Ament as ANDREW (Simon/Peter’s brother) - Ament was right there with Stone in Green River, Mother Love Bone, Temple of the Dog and then Pearl Jam. He’s the bass that pulses the heartbeat of the music. Plus, his graphic design sense provided the classic look and feel of all the liner notes and album packaging for those bands (which along with flannel, long hair, and Doc Martens worn with shorts, were essential cornerstones of the era). Through Ames Bros. Design, Pearl Jam’s visual aesthetic was really set in stone and their tour posters became must-have’s for screen print enthusiasts everywhere. Music never looked so good. Eddie Vedder as JAMES, SON of ALPHAEUS - Some people say that James was literally Jesus’ little brother, while other’s interpret it metaphorically because upon dying Jesus said to James that Mary was now his mother, and James was now her son. Either way, Eddie Veddie was the younger brother of Andrew Wood who then took his mother’s hand and ushered in a new era of grunge. Eddie would tell you that he’s no fucking messiah, which is meant as a testament to the love he had for his brother.


SIDE NOTE: I almost had Eddie as Paul/Saul, not one of the original 12 apostles, but one of the most steadfast and true disciples of Jesus whose writings to the Romans and to the Corinthians would help shape Christian philosophy for many centuries to come. As the lead singer and songwriter of Pearl Jam, you could make a case that Eddie is Paul, but I don’t think he’s gentile enough for that. He’s Eddie Vedder, and that’s an entirely different essay.

Kurt Cobain as SIMON THE CANAANITE or SIMON THE ZEALOT - 
Simon the Zealot was known for strictly keeping the law of Moses (the Ten Commandments) and had great disregard for where he saw people headed. In Jesus, Simon found someone who was practicing what he preached. Simon would go on to evangelize the gospel in much of the west including throughout Egypt and into Africa. Kurt Cobain hated the mainstream and was a zealot when it came to grunge. He spread the word far and high and carried the tradition well. 
 Layne Staley as THADDEUS - Cool name. Cool band. When a jar of flies is kept for too long, the man in a box digs some dirt. Staley of Alice in Chains and Mad Season fame burned out too soon, but man was he cool.

Dave Grohl as MATTHEW/LEVI - Matthew/Levi was the tax collector who gave up his job and life to follow Jesus. He was the author of one of the gospels (Gospel of Matthew). Grohl was a drummer who later gave up that life to lead his own band, the Foo Fighters, who went on to become one of the biggest alternative bands (and David Letterman’s favorite band). 
 Kim Thyll as JAMES (brother of John) - James was John’s brother who followed him along and became an apostle. He had a moment of doubt when Jesus came back to life and doubted that it was really Jesus. Kim followed Chris Cornell into Soundgarden and preached the gospel upon a black hole sun. He later had many doubts when Chris left the band and stored to become a pop singer and then started Audioslave, which was terrible. Eventually, Soundgarden reformed and the word could go on being spread, one music hall, arena or outdoor festival at a time.

Jerry Cantrell as BARTHOLOMEW - Cool name. Cool band. Do the Bart, man! Mark Arm as PHILIP - Philip was an apostle, but he didn’t really matter. He was there at the start and probably did some stuff but you can’t really remember it. That’s kind of like Mark Arm and Mudhoney. He started Green River and recruited Stone Gossard to the band because he only wanted to sing instead of sing and play guitar. Then He formed Mudhoney. They had a moment for a slight minute but most people couldn’t tell them apart from Tad. How’s that for a Judgement Night?


Courtney Love as MARY MAGDALENE - Go listen to Hole’s second record, Live Through This, and you’ll be asking Courtney if you could wash HER feet. From start to finish, that album is all killer and no filler, regardless of wether Kurt Cobain wrote it (allegedly) or not. 


Thurston Moore as JUDAS - Sonic Youth were grunge before grunge was a thing. They ushered in the alt-rock movement and were preaching the gospel way before it was cool. In another world, Thurston Moore would have been John the Baptist, but he blew up the band by betraying Kim Gordon, which caused the inevitable break up of one of the best bands ever. So, yeah. Thurston Moore is Judas.         

Paul Westerberg as JOHN THE BAPTIST - He came first and helped lay the groundwork for the alternative movement. This could have easily gone to Michael Stipe of R.E.M., but The Replacements were much better and spawned a legion of followers. The Mats work in the 80s at Twin Tone and in Minneapolis would help to set up the dynamic that would take place in Seattle with Sub Pop. Westerberg couldn’t hardly wait…

With Pearl Jam having recently been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, now more than ever, we should give thanks and praise to the great Andrew Wood, the Captain Hi-Top, Love Commander (it is right to give him thanks and praise). For he so loved rock and roll and that he was forced to suffer, die and was buried for its sins so that rock could be reborn again. May he rest in peace today, knowing that his words still resonate with the masses.

So come bite the apple, my fellow star dog champions.      

Hide your mom. Control your sister.  Yeah.

Can I get a Hallelujah?

A reading from the Book of Stone

Sometimes silence is golden. Sometimes you just want to be alone in your room with all your favorite vinyl records surrounding you on your floor.

 Sometimes you just have to sit back and listen to the music, preferably shirtless and in your underwear or your favorite tight pants. 



Tonight is definitely one of those nights. 

What do critics know? Nothing or else they would be in a band making music. Screw the critics, especially rock critics. Most of them are thirty to forty years old, predominantly male, slightly balding, probable failures, and terribly selfish lovers who live in their parents' basement and have little to no social interaction with the outside world and sit around listening to music all day because music is the only thing that fills the void in their meaningless existence. (Man, that hits a little too close to home, but I digress.)

Anyways, here is my list of the 30 Most Underrated Albums of the Last 20 Years.