Be Still

Hookup culture has been normalized with the development of apps like Tinder, POF, as well as more online dating sites. Dating, and for me, especially online dating is a huge cluster fuck.

I made a Tinder account after a long, and drawn out break up from a long term and pretty toxic relationship. I dated M* for awhile, casually, but after like 8 months of being “exclusive” but “no labels”, I was pretty heartbroken and over it. Our courtship ended with an explosive *not* break up (since you know, he was not my boyfriend) when M* showed  up at my apartment early, planted a good morning kiss on me, and was ready  to take me to brunch and I had to tell him he couldn’t come in because I had an overnight guest. Cue sleepless nights, hours of texts, name calling, and blocking and unblocking each other’s numbers for the next five months. 

I felt terrible for breaking our unwritten “rule”. I apologized over and over again. I sent him a gift basket of beer with an apology note. My friends told me to get over it and move on. He didn’t want a relationship with me. He was a narcissist. The sex couldn’t be that good. He called me names and made me cry. I was begging him for another chance and to get back together….but back to what?  

He got a new job and I got busier with school and work. I went back to the watering hole of the online dating world and made a new Tinder account. I tried my luck at OkCupid. I went on several terrible dates that went nowhere. I listened to Taylor Swift on repeat and tagged my friends in memes about being a crazy cat lady.

I eventually got over it when a friend went through the same thing with someone. I realized I was giving her advice and not following my own advice. I blocked M on all my social media, blocked his phone number and moved on with my life. I know what I want out of a relationship based on all the things I know that I for sure DON’T want. 

Hamilton || Crack #1

OKAY SO I MADE A THING

The woman who is content with where God has her in life, who is content in her singleness, is not vulnerable to the emotional persuasion of foolish men who wander through her life.

I’ve been realising a lot recently about the importance of empathic sensitive people choosing their environments wisely. As one myself, there has been many times in my life that I would choose situations from my head and I didn’t take into consideration how my body would feel. My body had to pay the price and I would end up getting emotionally drained and ill because of the negative energy I would accumulate. When I was six years old and I was at school, a lady played songs on the piano during assemblies for us to listen to. The songs she sang were very serious and gloomy and provoked such intense emotion in me that I would burst into tears every time. People would know that ‘Eleanor’s crying again’. They would send me out of the room every time to calm me down. Not once did anyone recognise that I was empathic, I didn’t realise it until I had been on this earth for twenty years, that’s a long time to be unaware of it and walking around with emotions that don’t belong to you.

When you are in tune with the emotions around you this is something that has to be taken very seriously, just like a food allergy. When you have an allergy you have to avoid certain foods and when you are empathic, you have to avoid certain situations. This is a tricky skill that takes time and nobody can tell you otherwise, after all it is you that has to face the consequence. There are so many things that empathic sensitive people can do and so many ways they can offer help, this shouldn’t have to be at the price of their health and happiness though. It doesn’t have to be a curse but a blessing, if used and understood correctly.