Inner Child

I have so, so many bellarke related thoughts from last night’s episode, which was a delightful and sincerely appreciated surprise, but what I really want to talk about is Clarke’s reticence to opening up to Bellamy.

Before I get started, however, a disclaimer: this is gonna talk about E.cho and be.cho and yes, I am bellarke af BUT I also genuinely enjoy the be.cho dynamic and the complications that will bring.  So that means by continuing to read this, you’re making a deal with me: I will not try to make you ship be.cho and you, in turn, will keep all “wow I hate that bitch” comments off my post, up to and including the “I really dislike be.cho but I actually liked this!” type comments because honestly, I do not need to know you dislike be.cho. Comments like that majorly bum me out, even if you think you’re being positive and respectful. And if you think this disclaimer is overly dramatic: you’re right, it is! But please take a look at any post and/or ficlet I have written for s5 that includes a mention of be.cho because right now, 90% of them have SOME FORM of I-hate-echo-itis in the comments anyway and I promise you, I’m just as tired of having to make these disclaimers as you are of reading them.

But back to Clarke and her feelings.  Something that has stood out to me in 504 and 505 is how quiet Clarke is.  She’s never been the loudest or most talkative of the characters, but she’s usually fairly communicative, especially with Bellamy.  In fact, she’s usually the one prodding him to reveal his feelings, as in 108/313/406, where she’s basically like “I can tell you’re having emotions now, want to process them with me?” and Bellamy is like “no honestly I’d rather just be alone in my sadness, thank you, also here’s everything that has been bothering me since childhood.” 

Except now, that dynamic is almost completely reversed: Bellamy is the one pressing Clarke for more details on her emotional state and she’s the one withholding.  The difference is, of course, Bellamy of seasons 1-4 generally caved and bared his entire bleeding, aching soul to Clarke after .05 seconds of patient silence from her, whereas Clarke– who has always been a little bit more guarded in her emotions– has more practice at Conceal Don’t Feel-ing her way through life. 

In 504, after their reunion in the holding cell, Clarke actually says *nothing* to Bellamy for the rest of the episode, and what she does say to him in 505 is very restrained. And when she does open up to him in the head and heart conversation, it’s not about herself, it’s about him.  I think once Clarke got over her initial disbelief that Bellamy was really there, she started mentally cataloguing the changes she noticed in him.  There’s the beard, obviously, but there’s also the general softness he’s let come to the surface.  Clarke knew that gentleness existed, but Bellamy usually tried to hide it from everyone else and now he’s not even bothering.  He’s also far more strategic, but notably Clarke only seems to recognize that by saving her life he saved Madi’s, which is a very Season One Bellamy thing to do in terms of My Life Doesn’t Matter, Only My Sort Of Daughter’s Does.

Now, I’m not sure Bellamy has noticed how different Clarke is yet.  He’s always been incredibly emotionally intelligent, but I honestly think that the shock of finding out she’s alive has blinded him to noticing that she’s changed.  Clarke spent six years talking to a static, imaginary version of Bellamy with the assumption that he would one day return to her, but Bellamy has spent six years mourning a very-real-but-still-static version of Clarke.  Clarke probably knew he would come back a little different, so now she’s busy ascertaining just how different he is, whereas Bellamy is still processing the fact that she’s even there.

So far, in the past four seasons - Clarke has NEVER seen Bellamy be “romantic” or “in love” or “with anyone”. Like ever.

This development is totally gonna give her the push to finally admit feelings and finally DO SOMETHING about them.

GUYS.

We have NEVER SEEN jealous Clarke.

But my Awesome Grandma passed away a couple years ago, at the ripe old age of 89, peacefully and in her sleep. I was devastated. The whole family was. She was an amazing woman. 

So, I’m a mess. I get bereavement leave from work for the funeral, and the condolences of my boss and coworkers, and we start trying to figure out logistics. 

Dad was her estate’s executor, and he was already up in Wisconsin staying at her house because we’d known it was coming (she’d been ill for some time). Now, Grandma and Grandpa’s house was and is quite small. So, Dad was staying there, Mom was staying there, and my aunt and her husband were staying there, and the house was full up. 

My other aunt and her husband who lived nearby opened their house to the family, but their house wasn’t huge either and so of course their children who came home got priority. 

Long story short, we needed to find a hotel. And I’m a wreck, who can barely pack a suitcase in between bouts of sobbing, so my hubby stepped up. 

“I’ve got it,” He says. “Don’t worry, I’ve got everything.” He’s good at finding hotel deals and stuff, so this is great.

Grandma lived in Baraboo, WI. This is a short drive from the Wisconsin Dells, a popular tourist trap that has a ton of hotels. Grandma died in October, which was off season for the Dells, so there were plenty of good deals. Kev booked a room at a place called Rainbow Valley Resort, which had excellent ratings on Expedia and was inexpensive. We didn’t think twice about this, because every hotel in the Dells has a name like Whispering Pines or Mountain Valley or Pleasant View or Springbrook or whatever. 

Anyway, we show up, and find it fine, and pull up to the office which is also the bar. 

The bar is named Captain Dix. 

This still doesn’t click in my brain, which is running on adrenaline and espresso at this point. And my husband is in Get Shit Done mode, which means he’s wholly focused on getting checked in and then to Grandma’s house to meet up with my family and stuff. 

So we walk in, and finally a little pilot light goes on in my brain. Because the walls are PAPERED in Brokeback Mountain posters, Pride flags, and posters of extremely hot shirtless men. 

“Oh.” I go. “OH.”

The dude at the desk is cheerfully checking us in, and he is Obviously Gay. In that, he’s wearing a T shirt, literally, that says “Gay” and has a rainbow on it. 

There’s a sign on the wall listing the events that they hosted over the summer. I’ve still got a pic, I’ll find and attach it in a minute. 

My worry at this point is mostly “Oh man I don’t want these dudes to feel like we’re intruding” but we’re like the only people there because, again, off season. 

So we get checked in and get to our room, and I turn to husband. 

“Hon.” I said, “We’re at the gay resort.”

“What?” Says Kev. 

“Hon,” I said, and then pointed out everything I just listed above, and oh yeah they also had a clothing optional area by the pool. 

“Oh.” He says. “Oops.” 

But, I mean, the rooms were lovely and comfortable and spotless, and too late now. 

Anyway Grandma’s funeral was that afternoon. And by the time we got back, I was a cried out mess, and I wanted a fucking drink. So, we went to the bar. 

The owner was the barkeep. We get to the bar, and he smiles at us. “Hey folks, I’m Gary. What can I get you?” He asks. 

“Whiskey.” I say. 

“Sure, what kind?”

“Brown.” I’ve been awake for 37 hours at this point, and words are hard. 

An eyebrow climbs, but he just grabs a Jameson bottle. “Sure hon, anything with it?”

“More whiskey.” 

The second eyebrow climbs. 

“We just got back from her grandmother’s funeral.” My husband has better people skills than me. 

“OH.”  Gary upends the bottle at this, and pours an extra couple fingers into my glass, thereby making him my best friend in the world. 

Anyway, my husband the People Person strikes up a conversation with Brad as I drink. Turns out Brad and his husband own the place, they don’t mind us there a bit since it’s a slow time of the year for them, and by the end of the night he and my husband are best friends and Kev, the professional locksmith, is repairing a minor problem with their door for them and chatting about cooking.

“You are a monster.”

“Yes I am.”

Sacramento.

Where?

Reylo snuggles, morning and night versions :) Based on the gorgeous snuggles in Paterson.