life is easy with your eyes closed

i swear girls i feel like a child of divorce without actually being a child of divorce, i’ve only met my dad maybe twice when i was like 11 and my mum died when i was a couple months old so like i went from living with my siblings, to going back and forth between houses. There’s my eldest brother and his wife who keep telling me how they’re trying for a baby like kinda gross but whatever, my third oldest brother+ his wife and his five kids all under the age of 12, my sister (and her like roommate? he’s gay so it’s not like a weird relationship thing but he sleeps on her couch) and her son, my old house thats in someone’s name idk, like whoever owns it doesn’t live in it. And like my old house is sooo untouched cause im one of two people who still go there but also my sister would murder me if i went in her room even though she hasn’t been there for years and she’s 31. There’s my aunts house (love her to death, that woman raised me and all my siblings if u ignore the fact that my older brothers were kind of like three guys dressing up a dad) I loveee my aunts house and like my cousin lives there too at the moment but hes trying to grow a moustache… 🤮 And then the house that i spend the most time in is my second eldest brothers house, with his second wife who ive known since i was like 9 when they weren’t married and one of my other brothers was convinced he was in love with her and wanted to marry her but then the brother whose married to her now like shut him down and was like “do you really love her or do you just think she’d dedicate her life to you” cause he’s like that but now they’re married soooo.. his son from before+ their daughter they had together also live there (my niece and nephew). Also i have another brother (twin) who has his own apartment despite still being a teenager even though im not allowed to cause im still in school… like he literally dropped out and like i know he has girls over i just wish he didn’t have them over when im there you know, also his friend whose three years older than us but like that’s fine cause ive known him since i was like 6 and he was 9 so we’re like this🤞he also lives with him but he pays all the rent but like whenever i go over there i end up doing all their laundry cause honestly they stankkkk.. but whatever right so when they have girls over they always end up just going to the pub or like whatever club is open and the girls just stay there with me which would be fine except they literally like do nawwwt talk?? obvs they only come over to see my brother and our friend but like girl if ur gonna stay and wait like an hour for them to come back can you at least talk to meeee ☹️ i have four brothers and one sister btw… all but one are adults and im just like here moving from place to place while trying to make christmas magical for all my nieces and nephews 🦄 I have 8 so far but I’ll have more if my twin brother keeps going the way he’s going… better be a girl i have too many nephews already…

When i was maybe 4 or 5 my dad took me took me too this out-door art gallery, it was just kilometres and kilometres of forest land with sculptures dotted along it. He told me, “if you ever feel lost in the world, come home.” He told me that if ever there was a day that i couldn’t, to go to the art gallery, that i would find him there. He taught me something that even though i was young, i will always remember it. He taught me how to stay intact with nature, how to be with nature without disturbing it. Something that i utilise as a party trick now though haha because it taught me how to blend in as if i was an animal, making no footprints no matter if it was mud, sand or dirt. I use it now to get close to birds because doing it doesn’t make them register me as human. My dad is an immigrant and this was one of the first places he went when he was granted citizenship in 1993. He took me for the first time when i was only a couple months old, then, once a month for years until his business started taking off when i was around 10. This is what started my love for art and hiking. Since then we’ve hiked “the nut” volcano plug in Tasmania, Katajuka in the Northern Territory, and both walked+ biked around Uluru. We’ve scared off snakes and dingos with growls and grunts only, we’ve spent days up in the lodgings at the briars and imagined our lives as convicts at gaols at Sarah Island. When we went to South Australia, we probably hiked Mt Lofty from Waterfall Gully in the Adelaide hills at least four times. We’ve hiked the Atlas Mountains in Morocco (his home country) and he showed me this path that he called a secret, and i hope i don’t sound cliche when i say this but honestly, it was magical. Every time he tells me the same thing, “if I’m not here to see you, come to the nature.” I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

not a change, no really, not a bit, that cockish girl that once you were. she may not remember me but i remember her.

I Need To Go Back To Therapy.

if i can’t handle a stomach ache, how am i going to handle getting my wisdom teeth pulled soon??? im so doomed, the thought devastates me.