Overthin'king'

So back to the ghost life after 2 years, its changed and it had to be. You might feel on the surface level that nothing happened but a lot has. I am not same person, my ideals and quirks might be the same but it feels different. The past year is a fog, i might as well go ahead and call it sidpa bardo cause it was a counterfeit period i know about to end & with however the result was going to be, I was being ready for rebirth or suicide.

My father was helping a startup for a few days in a few months while keeping on his main work for over 4 years now. He is sort of the creative consultant who pushed and corrected the project when it was beyond their pay grades & experience. In December last year, he was asked if he could work from home due to some constraints at their office. He denied them because working from home requires a computer and I told him very plainly our old computer could not handle what he wants to do, tbh it could handle it but I have to be on supervision with that laptop all the time. Anyway, they did not want to lose the quality work he did, so they provided him with one of theirs. Unbeknownst to us it was boon. I didn't think much of it at first as I was mostly busy with prep. The work ran smoothly and when the office situation ridded and his work was done, they said they would drop by and take back the laptop. They never did.

This happened right in sync with the period I was starting to see beyond my exam. I did not want to relearn anything at first or spend my hours working, even if it meant fun learn/work. Nothing productive was in mind. I wanted to slouch and feel numb. Movies & series were the first choice of course and I did that. But I don't want to spend my time just watching afterall I can't change who I am, I need multiple activities to keep myself steady & comfortable. I already killed my social media presence during prep and in turn, I had a lot of time, so I couldn't do just one activity. I turned to the other mind-numbing act, games. I have been doing that for years, whether it's sports or video games, I could do that for whole days without even a hint of boredom. I know of a time when I used to wake up play outdoors, watch some sports (even highlights), go train for the sport I was pursuing competitively, and come back to play outdoors again then play video games and sleep. That's it. That was my routine and I don't even recollect most of it. Truly mind-melting. Ideal for what I was hoping for at that moment. I had gone swimming last year religiously and thought I could continue that, maybe even push for going back to other sports and trying out some video games.

I picked out some video games I could play on my old computer. And then it clicked. The new laptop. It might allow me to play some newer games, I checked out the specs and there it was, a newer gen GPU and a bigger RAM. This felt like a dream sequence. I was getting free from my exams in a few days and will be absolutely free from any obligatory work and I will get my hands on newer games. This couldn't be true but it was. So right on the day I gave my exam, I downloaded Dark Souls Remastered.

DS remastered: I wanted to try out this game for so long, all I ever hear about it is its lore and difficulty. Being honest here that's what I went after, the name and its difficulty level pops up so often in the gaming community, people swear by it and say it's the best game ever. So, I got it, I was hooked from the start. I was yet to play a true RPG, the games I have played have always followed a single character and his story mostly. Choosing character, traits, and stuff like that! Was always something I wanted to do. I would have always been a DnD kid if I ever got a chance to be. Anyways I recall coming back from the exam and thought I would play tomorrow but just couldn't resist myself. It was past 11 at night when I started the game, the music and character selection itself got me hooked. I felt exactly like Milhouse.

The whole game was like that for days all I could think about was getting back to it. Hell! I skipped reading books and doing any other things I should have done in the meantime. My whole day revolved around DS. I understood what it felt like and have gained a bit more empathy for people who do nothing else. I wanted someone to inject it in my veins. Now here is the review: Once you understood the game mechanics it is not difficult, yes you do die a lot of times and it takes effort and tolerance to use and play the game to its full extent but it's not difficult. The whole DS community is around "git gud" but it's not that mandatory, The most "git gud" fight Ornstein and Smough, I died once, and that too cause I didn't knew they fused. Most of the boss fight mech is simple: Defend, learn their pattern, get an opening, and attack. That's it. More difficult part is getting there and figuring out how to because the big problem I found was that there was no guide, no one to tell what humanity is or what souls do. I get it's difficult to find out where to go and what to do there as it gives you the RPG freedom and it's really good. It is rewarding to understand the world through your own devices. Even things like no weapon is the ultimate weapon every weapon has its weakness & you could pick anyone to win, it doesn't matter, although it's a delightful idea. Except it's too late to figure out what the original ask was. And most of the time I have to ask the game 'Now what'. And thank god I homeward boned from Frampt cause then I would never have met Kaathe and never could have chosen the ending I wanted. You never understand the lore as it's not made out by the devs themselves. You could search out explainer videos and look up fandom sites but it kills the game value a little bit imo. I don't want to be spoon-fed things but find out through gameplay. It spoils the game. But don't let the criticism fool ya, I love that game. I will never experience something like that again, largely because I will not be the same person but also because no one can replicate it. It's a part of me now, I even reference it occasionally irl as I could talk for days about it.

Far Cry 4: I was in doubt that I may have spoiled myself with DS. I played the community's favorite game and now every game will fall short. Nope, couldn't be further from the truth. For my next game, I searched for the best game of 2018 - the year DS remastered came out and it turns out that it was not even in the Top 10. So, I tried to pick from the top 10 list, the games it had were GoW which I used to play a lot before and have finished the storyline, I know this is an entirely different game and the hype around it is unreal but I thought 'soon but now not', same goes for RDR2 & Spider-Man, I have played some previous renditions. The next unique yet most suggested game was FC5. I am yet to play it and wanted to play something different thus fps shooter is what I selected. But it was the 5th edition and I wanted to play the series and discern how it goes. FC1&2 are very old and so is the fan fav FC3, I could play it but I had just gotten a new machine at hand and want to try out new games. Therefore I landed on FC4, Ajay Ghale. I fell in love with the game. The game is a complete package - the storyline, the gameplay, the open world, the graphics and environment, the music & soundtrack oof. It had everything you could ask for in the game. It was perfect. The one thing I love about it is that you can't be AFK, there is just so much happening. One time my mother was in the room with me and started watching me play, I had to deal with the army, bear attack, army, eagle, wolves, and army again. She herself was confused what this game was about lol. It was not even a mission. I have heard its criticism that you have to do the same thing in not-so-different ways. But I have no problem with it. I love being in the game. It embodies the culture very well. Shangri-La screenshot is literally my wallpaper rn. I am glad I decided to play this. It is a fantastic experience and a must-play. Love it. (As I write about I just wanna go back at it.)

GTA V: Yeah this was a long time coming and especially with the announcement of VI, this has to be played. I have played most of the GTA games but this one is on the list that I couldn't on my old one. The new pc had no such limit. From a story-line & mechanics prospective its an okayish game but when you zoom out you realize it's more than that. It tells you what the game could be. It pushes the boundaries of what can be accomplished and I love the game for it. It's like steroid Olympics (I know it already happened and it sucked but you know what it means). I mean it had one of the longest credits. The amount of work and effort that went into the game is awe-inspiring. The attention to every detail is stunning. 10/10 no notes. Switching between 3 characters anytime, what you do changes dialogues, etc I mean it covers everything you could imagine. (At least back in the day I am yet to try RDR2).

So in total my review of all the games I have played till now: BANGER after BANGER after BANGER!!!

They have called again to return the laptop and my dream of building a pc myself is shot down by the memory prices so I may be going back to not being able to play games. Also, with the job arriving, it seems a far-fetched dream but hey it came true once so why not hope?

Anyway, it helped me experience exactly what I wanted: mind-melting greatness. It's the best couple of months I have spent in a while. It was pure bliss. I will always cherish it. I mean you work hard in something and you achieve success guaranteed where does that happen?

So back to the ghost life after 2 years, its changed and it had to be. You might feel on the surface level that nothing happened but a lot has. I am not same person, my ideals and quirks might be the same but it feels different. The past year is a fog, i might as well go ahead and call it sidpa bardo cause it was a counterfeit period i know about to end & with however the result was going to be, I was being ready for rebirth or suicide.

Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog (c1817) by Caspar David Friedrich

"We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time."

~ "Little Gidding" T.S. Eliot

When the result arrived, I was already on a trip to the mountains. A 10-day trip, visiting 4-5 cities in 3 different states, making the most out of the chance I got to be free and moving again. It had a lot of trekking, a lot I promise you, the most was 28 km round trip at 5,200 feet elevation completed in about 8 hours (total time took about the whole day) and it was on the last day itself. We were already tired before we started. By the end, we were moving via sheer will alone. My parents were with me and they climbed with equal speed, I have no idea how they did it but seeing them pull it off gave me immense strength, whenever I needed it. We returned around 2-3 am and had to catch the return around 4:30 am, didn't sleep, caught the first but missed the connecting train without it being our fault. Surely a testing couple of days. This doesn't end here. We took our chances and traveled without a ticket on the next train available, and did not sleep there as only chair cars were free. I am writing and recalling what we have done, and it seems incredible and sort of impossible for a family to do that. Just picturing it is itself an amazing experience. I will never forget it. Fucking loved the whole trip.

At the beginning of the trip, after the base camp trek, I felt I had reached paradise. The mountains just glue your eyes towards them. Rain swept across them and the temperature hovered near freezing though it was afternoon. My family had to pull me away from the view. I couldn't get enough. Anyway, we got to our room and my half was exactly how I pictured it, a vintage wooden hut closed off from outside with a small window leaving way for very little light. Awesome I tell you. Anyway we couldn't do anything else that day cause it was snowing further up thus was freezing outside, we couldn't even push our hands outside the blankets as the cold settled in. Take it from someone who lives in a region where summer passes forty degrees easily. The cold felt like another country. Awesome. Thankfully clouds made way the next morning and made it possible for us to move ahead. My family had already made up their mind to go back the night before lol. Instead, we climbed our first hill (2500m). Stayed there for hours (There were monkeys everywhere), climbed back down and went to the wildlife sanctuary (leopards, birds, bears, deer etc. with again lots and lots of monkeys, one tried to get hold of my camera). Tried adventure sports, (bungee jumping was one of them, I am glad I did but I am not seeing myself doing it again, at least not for a long time) Day2: Went to the army stations, forest dwelling, and most importantly Horse riding. I have ridden horses before but never up and never at this elevation. Loved it. Seeing the snow-stalled mountains while riding a horse its a feeling I can't describe. The rest of the day was spent gathering info about the culture of the mountains and their people, talking to them visiting museums, and their architectural & heritage sites. The more I get to know about them the more I realized, they work hard for a living, sure but they are satisfied and believe that it's all worth and man if it ain't true. Day3: We took a road trip(300km) to our next destination, driving along a river, with multiple sites to see. We also got an opportunity to do adventure sports again (different ones) but I had enough of the adventures lol. It rained often and snow covered mountains enveloped us. It was perfect.

Day4 brought snow again. We trekked along the river to reach our next big hill (3100m) which was completely sealed with snow, the sun was harsh (UV8) and the snow was bright and cold (fucking beautiful). This was the first time I had experienced snow firsthand. We wanted to go further (3600m was our actual destination) but couldn't cause they said the snow there was upward of 8 feet. Wouldn't that be hauntingly beautiful? We tried our hands at snow sports, I had done ice skating before so this time I attempted skiing and relished it. It was pretty easy to learn. I reckon the most difficult part must be the steep slope and managing speed. I got no chance at that. The mountain I skied through was quite small. Spent the whole day in the snow and returned only when I couldn't resist hunger.

Day5: We went to a national park and a Buddhist monastery. It was a chill day cause we needed to do another road trip, this time it was overnight and was longer. Day6: Road trip--heritage sites--places of worship, basically round up before we go to our biggest hike, places that were in my checklist. Day7: It was sort of a buffer day, I rested, finished up the novel I carried along with me for the trip( The Sun Also Rises, no the irony is not dead. ) while parents made the most of it and brought lots of clothes as we were near a cloth manufacturing hub. Day8: Traveling to the big hike, my phone slipped from my pocket, the first time in my life that happened, I was so sure of myself I had no protection for it and it's been fine for the last 5 years until of course. I always warned people it only took one fall when they were careless and now look what happened. Thankfully it was repaired when I reached home with a screen replacement but I had spent several uneasy & sleepless nights afterwards, not due to it but regardless.

Day9&10: The big hike, yk there was a point where the people who were living there told us we should take help with us (horses, even if you didn't knew how to ride they would take you.) I was against it, just cause the thrill and the ego. My parents themselves wanted to climb it though the stories the locals told made them hesitate. The mountains, I believe, have a way of humbling people. At the start my parents were beginning to think the locals might be right by the end I knew it. I insisted that they move along and I have asked them to deny the horses, but boy we needed them. At near midnight while I was at the top I remember the lyric from Lamar "Love's gonna get you killed but pride’s gonna be the death of you and you and me". In the cold of the night, the mountains would agree. I will deny that admission tooth and nail if you asked me after but I did realize I should have let my parents use aid. It took us 3h 45min to climb up. I am proud of myself for doing it but some part of me wanted aid too, not to climb but to come back. My shoes were killing me, I specifically bought them for hiking but after nearly 10 days of movement they were stinging me every step, father switched shoes with me, we are the same size, i asked him to exchanged it back, but he did not and 2 days later I saw his toenail was filled with dried blood. He never mentions it. I never forgot it. I love him.

At the summit, the night was clear and bright. The mountains stood silent around us. I could have looked at them all night. If I had been less tired, perhaps I would have. But exhaustion has its own beauty. You earn certain views with your legs and lungs, and when you finally reach them there is nothing left to say.

The sweet pain clung on for couple of days, the mountains did not. They remained where they had always been, waiting for the next fool to test himself against them. Though the memories are for life.

What stayed with me instead was the climb. My parents are beside me. The blood in my father's boot, my mother's strength and resolve. The cold air at midnight. The stars above the ridge. I came home tired. I came home happy. And even now, when I think of that night, I know I would not remember the suffering first. All I remember is looking beyond.

But unlike any other loop story trope, time did move on tho I lived the same day over and over. No story arc, no development, and a couple of grim events. So overall none of the good but all of the bad.

I studied for an exam from the past year which will likely give me an eligibility for a job in my field. For the past year, I have studied like 9 hours every day (I tried atleast), which may not sound like much but I have not studied more than an hour ever for any exam, so this was like the one time I tried, cause yk it was a final hurdle foreseeable, so I quit all the things that took time and stared at the books.

Every day I woke up, tried to go to the gym, studied, tried to go for a walk, studied some more, tried to read books/listen to music in between, and slept. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Every day I had sort of a goal to achieve: study all units (41 btw) & revise them numerous times, do practice problems, mocks, etc. So I ran through days and now I am here. I don't remember much of the year. I didn't stop to look and sometimes I didn't wish to.

My father's big brother, his last living brother of 3, died. He had been very close to me. As a kid, when I used to come from school before one of my parents arrived or during summer vacation when I couldn't be left alone, I used to stay with them. He was a significant part of my childhood. He taught me chess. I was addicted to that game once, maybe still am and he taught me the basics, I used to take pride wherever I could beat him. He used to ask me to visit him every time. Each time I went to his home he used to sit with me, ask me questions about myself, what I had been up to, and whenever I used to tell him something good he was truly delighted for me, Every time I told him some goal of mine he listened to me, discussed it, and wished me well with all his heart. I can only say this for very few people in my life but he really liked me, believed in me, and may even be proud of me. All the time during his funeral proceedings I could only think that I had lost someone who really had goodwill for me.

And I couldn't even grieve, maybe if given the opportunity I probably wouldn't want to deal with all those emotions but I didn't even got the chance, all because of this fucking routine.

My maternal grandfather has multiple myeloma and he is suffering now. I have spent time with him in the hospital, and it's hard seeing him like this. When they were still diagnosing him he looked strong, powering through it but now he looks weak, I mean he seems to be improving and all but at one time his condition, just by his mannerisms, felt shaky.

Not only that but I am having thoughts about death now, intrusive thoughts which are now tamed down but the middle of the year was really overwhelming to ignore or deal with. I can't go to therapy. I searched online they advised some stuff that helped maybe, or maybe so much time has passed and I have buried them successfully hence they aren't that strong anymore but they are back sometimes and it's hard to fight them again. I read the best way is to talk with someone or write about it but I can't do any of those. I was never afraid of death, oblivion does not worry me, but I can not deal with the death of a close one anymore, not anytime close.

I haven't got anything else done, I had goals, other goals, fun goals but I let it all go. Only one thing is evident, I'm not doing this again, I abhorred it and frankly I am not strong enough.

See the gaining of knowledge part for this exam was delightful, I loved studying, I love pursuing knowledge just for the sake of it and I will keep doing but not just those topics or subjects but all of it. I want to dive deep for everything and be allowed to come back out. I don't want to do it for an exam, where so much depends on it. I don't want the pressure, especially when my career has nothing to do with this exam (yet they still want it as an eligibility requirement (will enhance pay)).

Honestly, I will change career path before doing it again. I never wanted to pursue an ambitious career, all I wanted was a chill life, do stuff I like primarily while also doing stuff that gets me paid, not the other way around.

I get it. Most people would want this choice. No alarms and no surprises type shit. Real world is not like this but it seems all meaningless so why can't we choose to live life our way?

I know this feels like a pointless rant. Everybody goes through it. You look around or look online and you can find hundreds of such rants. I personally don't have to go too far, my neighbour has lived this way his whole life and is pretty satisfied, and now he has his garden he maintains with various fruits, veggies, and flowers. His devotion for it shows, he glows when he talks about it and labors really hard for them. But he never got a chance to do it his whole life. Is he content? He looks like it. Is this how he wanted it to be? Is this a decent trade-off?

Having lived a small part of this lifestyle I don't reckon I can. I used to pity this kinda life, now I hate it.

Or maybe what I lived was a false experience and what happened during the year was awful and maybe it was too much pressure or maybe the people who had this lifestyle, don't know what was possible thus no regrets, and are living, what seems like a content life. Whereas I am living Tantalus' punishment.