Overthin'king'

Aren't we all.

And well who the fuck cares.

I don't even know how or what to feel. For a whole fucking year I prepared, gave up almost everything I did with only focus on my studies, I fed the books on my screen every habit every hobby, and now I have cleared it. I offered up my nerves like frayed wires, and the machine finally spat out a "Umm, okay."

I am so grateful for everything. Thank you. Thank you. Screaming 'thank you' into a void that finally stopped screaming back lol.

I have no idea how to respond, when I saw the results, I was stunned tbh, and after like a day I still don't know. It feels like a psychological "bends"—the decompression sickness divers get when they surface too fast.

Fucking finally dude.

Even though I have done it, it feels undoable. Throughout the prep all my means felt sane but my motives and my objects mad. There still is a hindrance and doubt within me.

ノ( º _ º )ノ

Maybe it will take time, to feel, to realise, to react but I treasure it. My parents are really happy. They too I believe don't know how to react, after so much time and struggle we went through together. It's terrific man. Idk what to say. I gave it almost 2 years and I really wanted the feat. Nobody, of course, wants their time & efforts to go to waste. As if time is something you can keep in a jar. I poured mine into a furnace for seven hundred days, but after so many disappointments last year... disappointments piling up like ash. I thought I was breathing ash. But now? Now I’m breathing... something else. 

Idk what to say.

It's such a relief. Thank god. Thanks all. The ghost of who I was two years ago is finally allowed to leave the room. Gg, my love you did great thank you.

And I hold within my hand Grains of the golden sand — How few! yet how they creep Through my fingers to the deep, While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp Them with a tighter clasp? O God! can I not save One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem But a dream within a dream?

Already a month has passed since my "freedom". What am I up to? My objectives, for the past month, were primarily to do all the things I wished for, the past year. Did I? No, obviously, Well, maybe a little. 

I’m staring at my hands and I don’t know what they’re supposed to be holding. I had a list, didn’t I? A year of wishing for things. A whole year of "when I’m done, I’ll do that." And now I’m here, in the that, and I’m just blinking. I don't even know which way the wind blows anymore. 

It feels strange getting back. For more than a year, I had a goal, singular. I was concentrated and didn't have to worry. It felt kinda peaceful and benign. I could dream up about doing stuff while getting back to that one thing. It was like living underwater; everything was calm. I could see the surface and imagine what the air tasted like, what heat & warmth felt like. Now I’m on the beach and I’m cold. 

I know I am in a choice paralysis (lobster too buttery lol). I have so much expected of me while I also want to do nothing sometimes but then I regret not doing anything and time was fleeting then and it's fleeting now.

As always I need some structure I guess but can't seem to push myself hard enough. I realise it's all meaningless but I soon regret that I have chance to give it meaning and that I am missing on. 

I was yearning to chill & relax, now that I can it's not compelling but don't wanna leave this state soon, I know I have to and this time is invaluable... Wtf man I just don't want any reminders on anymore, I had like 6 alarms for the day with focus mode and whatnot. I wish to withdraw myself from that life but also want to restart living, not wasting around. I am trying bit by bit but the efforts I am making, I sort of anticipated more from myself. 

Maybe I am being harsh or lenient. It's so confusing. I love it. Yes, it feels like a dream within a dream. Idk. What I do know is: it's a privilege to be confused about this. I am grateful. I'll be okay.

10 days have passed since my exams were over and I am like a fish dropped back into the sea.

So what's new:

1. Now I am finally on my new fitness program, I have been delaying until my exams got over which was like a year I say, rn it feels promising, there are some new exercises, but more importantly a new belief. Also, I can, at long last, spare some additional time (I have actually doubled my time spent in gym) and work harder for better results.

2. I am finally getting into my hobbies, more on that later. I have dreamt of much more but I have so grossly engrossed myself in one that I haven't got the time for another. Is it good/bad? Idk I am just glad I could seek something else.

3. I am, at last, finishing my site. I have coded most of its framework and should be launching before next month (fingers crossed).

4. I am back on writing stuff but I have so many drafts, that starting now I probably won't be able to finish till the next few months.

5. I have already planned for a trip and booked tickets, we are off.

And a lot more is planned and a lot more is to be done, gonna make the most of it. I am intoxicated by my own freedom. Chills, literal chills.

But unlike any other loop story trope, time did move on tho I lived the same day over and over. No story arc, no development, and a couple of grim events. So overall none of the good but all of the bad.

I studied for an exam from the past year which will likely give me an eligibility for a job in my field. For the past year, I have studied like 9 hours every day (I tried atleast), which may not sound like much but I have not studied more than an hour ever for any exam, so this was like the one time I tried, cause yk it was a final hurdle foreseeable, so I quit all the things that took time and stared at the books.

Every day I woke up, tried to go to the gym, studied, tried to go for a walk, studied some more, tried to read books/listen to music in between, and slept. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Every day I had sort of a goal to achieve: study all units (41 btw) & revise them numerous times, do practice problems, mocks, etc. So I ran through days and now I am here. I don't remember much of the year. I didn't stop to look and sometimes I didn't wish to.

My father's big brother, his last living brother of 3, died. He had been very close to me. As a kid, when I used to come from school before one of my parents arrived or during summer vacation when I couldn't be left alone, I used to stay with them. He was a significant part of my childhood. He taught me chess. I was addicted to that game once, maybe still am and he taught me the basics, I used to take pride wherever I could beat him. He used to ask me to visit him every time. Each time I went to his home he used to sit with me, ask me questions about myself, what I had been up to, and whenever I used to tell him something good he was truly delighted for me, Every time I told him some goal of mine he listened to me, discussed it, and wished me well with all his heart. I can only say this for very few people in my life but he really liked me, believed in me, and may even be proud of me. All the time during his funeral proceedings I could only think that I had lost someone who really had goodwill for me.

And I couldn't even grieve, maybe if given the opportunity I probably wouldn't want to deal with all those emotions but I didn't even got the chance, all because of this fucking routine.

My maternal grandfather has multiple myeloma and he is suffering now. I have spent time with him in the hospital, and it's hard seeing him like this. When they were still diagnosing him he looked strong, powering through it but now he looks weak, I mean he seems to be improving and all but at one time his condition, just by his mannerisms, felt shaky.

Not only that but I am having thoughts about death now, intrusive thoughts which are now tamed down but the middle of the year was really overwhelming to ignore or deal with. I can't go to therapy. I searched online they advised some stuff that helped maybe, or maybe so much time has passed and I have buried them successfully hence they aren't that strong anymore but they are back sometimes and it's hard to fight them again. I read the best way is to talk with someone or write about it but I can't do any of those. I was never afraid of death, oblivion does not worry me, but I can not deal with the death of a close one anymore, not anytime close.

This bicycle wasn't the one I preferred I wanted some other but my father insisted on this one maybe because this was sturdy and under our budget. I was even embarrassed to show it to my friends at first. Anyway, I started using it after and it became my most used cycle.

I used to go to my drama class, summer camp, and my school (school was quite far and my mother, as she confided years later, didn't think I could/would do it and bet against it. I used to reach school tired af with sweat running everywhere as I had to cycle fast due to me being perpetually late, which led to pretty fun stories and also me getting bullied but I digress), sports practice, getting groceries, passing time on a day when nobody came to play along, traveling 5+ km daily just to play, and after 1st wave of covid roaming the whole town on it. I came to love that cycle.

I switched 2 homes with that cycle and it was with me all along I never imagined I would see it go.

Why do I love an inanimate object so much? Do I only love the memories or is there a special bond or just my hoarding tendencies? I will miss it however, I may never recall it again but whenever I do I will miss that rugged, sturdy, and special bike of mine.

I overgrew that bike in size long ago might have even looked funny for years riding all over town but I didn't care.

I still remember when I first rode it (this was my 4th(?) bicycle btw). But back when I first rode it in, the early summer(?) morning, I was chased down by my then friends motive being they wanted to ride the new cycle too but during that chase, I fell and scratched myself pretty bad as I was riding it at a good pace. But while writing this story I realised I may have confused this story with my previous bike. Lol, I am romanticising a memory I can't remember.

Maybe I shouldn't write this, maybe I am acting like a baby, I should grow up and move on. Who cares, right?

Maybe the whole of life at the end becomes an act of letting go. Yeah, but I was so busy tonight that I didn't do anything it happened so quickly that it went away to never come back. I didn't fight for it or say thank you or even goodbye. Maybe that hurt me, not taking a moment to say goodbye.

I have a very small scar on my nose that happened due to an accident while I was riding my bike. So I will take the bike's recollections with me until the end of days, it will be like a small puzzle piece of my past.

And then it struck me

(ノ｀⌒´)ノ┫：・┻┻

Okay, so I have been swimming for about 5-6 months and I might have not spoken more than about 10 words there. Not really a place to chatter although my father teases me that I used to stop mid-lap to talk to peers when I used to swim as a kid but rn I reckoned I would loathe it if someone addressed me, breaking my rhythm but that doesn't seem to be the case.

My competitive spirit in swimming hasn't gone anywhere I still compete with people and set challenges for myself to complete. I have crushed almost everyone there, even after giving them a headstart, without them knowing of course. So this other day a girl was swimming in the next lane no fault of hers, I defeated her twice giving her a headstart before she did something so bizarre I couldn't comprehend. She acknowledged what had happened, bewildering me enough that I smiled, nodded, and swam right away.

A few minutes later we met again and she started communicating, asking about me when and where I learned to swim and what am I doing rn, yk standard small talk surprised me honestly, but I reciprocated appropriately. Turns out she is 10 years older than me (Nobody can look at us and say we are 10 years apart she looks younger and I look older) and has been swimming for a year and comes after work. We talked more for a bit and restarted our laps. And that's about it. It's been a week and I haven't seen her more than once but there is now a person to who I could say hi and smile to there.

And I crave that, No matter what I lead people to believe but I crave social interaction. I haven't talked to anyone outside of my family for months, and not that I am cooped up in a room I am going to the gym, college, swimming, and for a walk but I don't meet people anymore. It is so isolating. Is this what's more to come in 'adulting'? Nobody to yap to. People say to pursue your hobbies and you will greet people but I am doing it rn maybe not to a full extent and not at full effort cause that is not my primary objective rn but still, the effects aren't there.

Or maybe these are the results. This is it, you meet about a handful of people whom you could talk to. Man, this sucks.

This image!! It scares me cause it may be me.

Send help!

So I stayed and after 4 years the time has again befallen for me to leave, to fly as people say, or get autonomy. I know it and they know it but periodically they let out statements that confess their real intention.

From my side tho the time has come. Clarification: I have no problem living with them they are the only people I have, they love me for who I am with all my faults and errors but here and now I feel old. I feel like I have breathed my life and waiting for death. Like I have everything figured out and I could do what I have been doing for the rest of my life. But that's not case; I hope so it isn't.

I never thought I would feel this way but I do now and have to depart from this comfort zone. I will come back someday but for now, I need to go. I will yearn for them every fucking movement of when I am away but I need to go.

Doesn't the Lumineers song go like 'if we don't leave this town we might never make it out' or maybe as Beryl Markham in her memoir suggests "I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yesteryears are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance."

Eh.

I don't create stuff I just vibe with it. I feel empty sometimes when I acknowledge it. As a kid, I used to lie and as a teen, I used to pretend that I had created stuff. I liked the synthetic distinction I had. For the people who didn't knew me thought of me as a great 'whatever I told them' but I did nothing. I admired art but never put a decent effort into it, I liked poetry and stories but never willed to write them myself, I pretend to know how to play guitar but know only a few songs, I pretend to have lived an extraordinary life but don't remember most of it.

I could fake most of the things because I have done all of them partially and have enough knowledge about them but I wonder if my future self will look back ruefully at me for the things I didn't try hard enough or put more action in and maybe wasted the potential, I wonder if my future self would forgive me.

When I think about it the path he chose was way more solitary than me, I have met nobody, but the people I encountered through him who have chosen this profession because it requires serious work and knowledge to get anywhere and more so to get anywhere near where my father is. He has earned tremendous respect everywhere he goes in doing so. Every state and city I have ever visited has people who honor and admire my father.

My father has struggled a lot in his up-and-coming days. His whole family was dependent on him from the age of 16, and I at 16 couldn't even comprehend that. From where he comes and the circumstances he faced it's astonishing what he has accomplished and idk if me writing about it could do any justice to his story or him. How he has overcome all that and provided me with all the love and care there is possibly I... I just love him, man.

With the things I know about him and the journey he had, it was difficult sure but when you look back, his life story is amazing. When he tells snippets from it I have seen people get mesmerized and of course, they do cause after all that came about to him, he still is a creative genius and still works hard even though he is a master in his profession and has been doing that for the last 25-30 years.

If I could learn from him, do something partially as great, and achieve a part of what he did I would be thankful.

The entire day I am just calling out people who are complaining, can't they stop and admire it?

It's solace, serenity, and peace. I don't me or anyone want to jinx the thing I long for.

I belong to it.

´◔‿◔`)♪♪

All these things I am doing are going to have a huge impact on my future and I get it blah blah... but I still miss doing nothing at all.

Maybe after the dust settles, maybe.

In a Dark Time