Gently Down the Stream

I never really "got" torture porn.  I mean, I thought Saw was clever and Hostel maybe redeemed itself for a host of different reasons, but now you've just got a couple movies churning out every year that are just people being tortured for hours.  Someone on IMDB said that the title of this movie should've actually been "Tedious".  I actually stopped watching it then came back a day later to see the stupid "twist" these movies have at the end (twist: one of the people in the house is in on it, but for absolutely no apparent reason, and its pretty unbelievable.)

I don't get the "porn" in torture porn.  Because, long or short, actual porn is there in service to some sort of sexual climax, but what's the climax for torture porn?  Who likes these movies?  The only people I can really see sitting through hours and hours of footage of people getting tortured are serial killers or potential serial killers, and that's pretty disturbing considering they still make decent money so lots of people watch them.

This movie really had a plot written by a ten-year-old boy.  Which is to say, the math and science are pretty weak.  Like, couldn't you just pay people to harvest their hormones more slowly over time?  Doesn't seem cost-effective to quickly torture people to death.  Also, why didn't the percentage keep going up slowly?  They had a lot of fingernail ripping scenes and I'm a nail-biter myself.  It kindof hurts when you first bite off too much nail, but a few hours later, your fingers are swollen and in agony.  Also, back to cost-effectiveness, they managed to hire a person to repeatedly go in the house to get tortured, and the pills make 10-12k each, so why not pay like poor people and college students to torture hurt themselves for a few bucks?  Like, you figure the cops came back to the house afterwards, but then the same person who kidnaps people comes back to the same spot, months or years later?  Plot hole.  Also, what happens if people don't torture each other? 

Well, I guess you could say it's a movie that makes you think, but not in a good way.

Mr. Jones is the last man on the human centipede that is found footage movies. Actually, he's the shit that the last man shat out after eating every other found footage movie's shit.  It's just a big, stinking, runny mess on your carpet.  LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID.  BAD BOY. BAD!!!

The overlords of my island nation have squeezed their death grip on our communications, so my Hulu is out for the count and Netflix is...so-so.  I did get my hands on this movie, which isn't that amazing.  About halfway through, I started to wonder if this was like the film in The Ring, an awful movie that will kill you if you don't trick someone else into watching it. 

So, premise is that a bunch of B- and C-level white actors go to a cabin and they start to disappear one by one and it's scary.  There's mostly a lot of "acting", which makes one long for some CGI goblins and girls crawling on the ceiling.  The red-head guy is the worst, like Stiffler's red-headed brother. 

This movie is seriously the worst.

Do you ever notice how thoroughly Christian Bale dominates every movie he's ever in?  Like, this was your basic true story movie about a guy who ends up in a Laotian POW camp and breaks out, but it was so CHRISTIAN BALE being mad intense.

Also, whatever movie that was where they hung the guy upside down and tide a bag with a rat in it to his head was pretty much the last movie that ever needed to be made about Americans in POW camps.  If you're not going to do better, then stay home.

Another thought: Christian Bale is one of those guys that I would definitely hit, if I had the opportunity, cuz it's Christian Bale.  If he wants to use my body for his pleasure, it's pretty much my duty to do it.  But then, he'd be all intense and maybe stop halfway to have a ten-minute diatribe at me, and geez, maybe hooking up with Christian Bale wasn't as fun as originally imagined.  Don't you guys think that sex with Christian Bale would be super scary?