Organized Chaos

I’m not sure where you are or what you’re doing right now .

I’m not sure if I’ve already met you or if I’m still gonna meet you.

I’m not sure when I’ll realize that our strings are each other’s ends.

I’m not sure of everything right now.

I’m 27, turning 28 and honestly, I thought I’d be married by now, but I’m not and I’m still waiting for you.

You see, I’m afraid of you right now - the last person I gave my heart you completely shattered it and I’m still picking those pieces up. Don’t worry, this will pass and I’ll be able to continue waiting or searching for you - just give me a sign when you’re near.

I had a really weirdly pleasant dream last night.

I dreamt of him again.

And that has not happened for a well now. In my dream, we got back together and it felt right; also we were fighting and hunting down monsters. I probably had that dream because of this post I shared on Facebook;

And because I was playing Witcher 3 because I sleeping and listening to music we used to listen to. 

Well shit!

And I pray that it just is, but I can’t shake the feeling that I maybe feeling something for you. 

It’s been there since we went on that first date and then second and then the third and the fourth and so on. It was growing at a pace I’ve only dreamed of; not too fast and not too slow. But you had to say those words that scared me and you knew it would scare, but you said it anyways.It’s a fight or flee kind of scenario and I chose to flee. I fled away not because I didn’t have feelings for you, because I did, I was just too scared to do anything about it. I pushed you away because I wasn’t sure what I wanted and until now I’m not sure what I want. I ran away from you because I was too afraid to get hurt by you.

And now you say you do not have any feelings for me, but why do I feel that’s lie. Why would continue to talk to me even though I’ve hurt you, who in the right mind set you continue to “date” the person broke their heart in two and how can you look at me that way and say you don’t feel anything for me?

I see you glancing my way when I walk past you and that spark in your eyes, I have the same one, but I choose not to show you.

Please let this just be my hormonal imbalance because my time of the month is fast approaching.

Please...

You know the feeling that you’ve been in a funk for a long time that you forgot what once made you happy... 

Writing has always been one of my outlets; releasing stress or tension that’s been building up. I used to write screenplays and poems everyday. Honestly I have no idea why I stopped, well I do but I can’t face that, and now it feels so unfamiliar. Every time I get a pen and my notebook, hell bent to writing anything, I end up staring at an empty page. 

I used to fill my notebooks with ideas for my next screenplay or a poem about literally anything the sun, but I stopped. I defended myself by saying maybe I’m not as passionate about writing as I thought I was or I’m always so tired when I get home from work or I’m not an eloquent writer, but I know those are just excusing I tell myself because I can’t face facts that I’ve became lazy.

It’s sad really...

What have I become...

I am ashamed...

I miss the thrill of finishing a screenplay. I miss the emotions the fill me up after writing a poem and reading that poem in front of people.

I remember one time when the La Belle Aurore near USC Main was still open and there was a poetry reading there. At one point of the reading there was an open mic. And I remember writing 3 poems on the spot just so I can recite them in front of everybody.

There was also that one time in my Literature 1 class back in college where we had to write a poem about oppression. I wrote a poem rape and how vulnerable someone can became in the aftermath. The title of the poem was “Otap” and my teacher told me to never stopped writing 

Another time in my Literature 2 class, we had to write something about life and I wrote a poem entitled “How To Survive On A Daily Basis”. We had to recite it in front of the class and my teacher told me to again never stop writing.

And another time during my Screenwriting 2 class when we had to write a screenplay and I wrote something entitled “Username”. I remember developing the characters and how deep they became. And then for our finals we had to do a pitch in front of our class and our teacher as our panel. I didn’t prepare any elaborate slides, all I had was the posters I made and idea of the screenplay in my hands. I never got to finish the screenplay and teacher kept telling me to finish it because he was curious to see how the story would develop and end.

I’ve making so many excuses and justifying my actions. I know I should really stop and start believing in myself, but it’s hard.

Maybe baby steps...

One quote day until it turns into a poem a week into a poem a day and see until where the ball rolls.