hysterics

Everything successful people do seems to be deliberate. They learn this specific skill, take on this specific internship, read these specific books, and the list goes on, often using these as stepping stones to reach their particular goal. 

Are they deliberate because they have a goal to achieve? 

What am I doing then?

Nothing I do is a DELIBERATE action. I do things the way I ‘feel’ like doing, and I go along with my ‘feelings’. I try to be productive and am open to learning new skills. Trying out new things makes me happy, but I can’t help comparing myself with other people who seems to get their lives and shit together. Am I doing things wrong? What are my goals and priorities? 

First post of the year! 

Yes! 

After 10 days of procrastination, I did it! 

Watched The Farewell today and I liked it! It touches on identity and cultural differences between the East and the West and it was pretty interesting. Then I found out that it was actually based off the director’s grandmother’s story. Cool. Chanced upon this movie upon hearing it on The Global Globes or some award ceromony, which brings me to introduce the next AMAZING MOVIE:

The Parasite. 

OMG THIS MOVIE IS INSANE everything was so good the cinematography the acting and the music! The blend of genres was also very refreshing to me because it keeps you anticipating for more I would describe this to be a tragicomedy??? as the director says, u have to go in to the movies cold and it will truly blow you away. I feel like this movie would make a good material for film analysis or whatever u call it! 

having the feels for movies these days uwu

can’t wait to indulge in a few more before next week! 

Checking in again after so long! 1st day of work!

Working yes, interning unfortunately no, and today officially marks the 1st day of me finally earning some income! (ok i dont count my ucc usher job) 

My intern search has been extremely tiring and uneventful, not to mention that I fucked up so many of my interviews that I’m really left with nothing now. Not even an interview. Plus the fact that I took up this job with Grabpay makes it harder for me to secure jobs that require a minimum of 3 months. I realised A LOT OF JOBS HAVE THAT REQUIREMENT. Am I fucked? Yes. But do I need a job immediately to make me less of a bum? YES. 

That’s the reason why I took up this events job. 

Asides from this perpetual sadness looming over me due to the lack of an internship, it was a fantastic day. I met really nice colleagues whom I feel comfortable to talk to, yeah you know those people whom YOU JUST MET but can click, and the job was relatively easy and manageable for a $10/h thing. My back is kinda aching from the whole day of standing but I am comforted by the fact that I managed to get seats from Raffles Place on the way back. Achievement!!!! I also found a great Eastie who loves food even more than me and so double achievement!!! 

It was a really good day.

I cant explain the feeling i have right now in words, but i gna give it a shot. For the past few weeks, i have been listening to many stories and conversations regarding Christianity, whether it was a casual side topic or a deliberate one. This makes me begin to question the concept of God. I never really felt a need to connect with God, but somehow, i feel like there's a need to learn more about the unknown. In general, im somewhat of a logical than an emotional person so i like it when ppl back up there pt with facts and solid evidences, but yknow its not the case when it comes to religion? Its like how people say we fear what we dont understand. Its not that i fear religion, but i dont want to be ignorant abt it. I also think there are many ppl out there who are faithful, but follow blindly (herd mentality being one eg) and dont truly question the meaning of their existence (bad phrasing)? i want to learn more about this spiritual side of the world and in order to do so, i am open to listening to people (or maybe God) and hopefully be able to understand myself better in this process.

Yea moving on to some stuff that i learnt.

A human consists of 3 entities: a body, a soul & a spirit.

Your soul is kinda like yr mind/conscience.

Your spirit is the only pt that can connect with God (hmmm questionable). Our fundamental purpose in life is to grow our spirit and diff people have different paths that lead them to achieve this purpose (Ok this part sounds reasonable).

We need to make a conscious effort to grow our spirit and in order to do so, we need to pray (what? no harm trying right LOL) we need to start talking to God (reaching out??? So that god can help us?)

Our spirit is eternal. By growing our spirit during our time in this world, our happy spirits will lead a good life in the afterlife (being a happy ghost sounds good to me).

Okay thats all that i can rmb for now.

Ciao.

Till next time,

One of the rare Thursdays where i feel genuinely happy. Its just that thursdays are generally dreadful, classes are long and draining and trug trngs are tiring. But time passed by really quickly and im done with one presentation.

Maybe its because trng is cancelled today, and thanks to that i managed to catch up with an old friend over dinner.

I don’t quite know what to feel

of all the things I notice about you

I want to know you better

but I don’t know how to let you know

 I don’t quite know what to feel

After all those words you said to me

I guess it’s for the better

but I wished it didn’t happen

 I don’t quite know what to feel

About how unlikely it seems

It’s not going to get better

but it’s time to make a change happen 

All these feelings that I don’t quite know

How to make sense of this complicated world

It sucks to not understand

Been to 3 uni camps alr!!!! Sounds like quite an achievement but honestly the number the friends that I feel that I’ld bother keeping in contact with is barely a few. So whats the pt of uni camps? A fling of fun, and more insta followers??? Idk man. Uni is such a huge jump from all the pre-tertiary education and honestly at this stage it feels like we are being looked upon as adults, but I dont feel like an adult at all??? #sos HAHAHA gonna adapt to many things i guess this is part and parcel of growing up...... but so far im loving it!!!! being away from home, having a place in sch to stay in I LUV IT & having friends so close to me in the WEST!!! i guess im quite a extroverted introvert i love getting to know ppl beyond the superficial levels like their habits, likes and dislikes..... 

Almost the end of June. 

The whole of June mainly revolves around the Cambodia trip. Feels kinda surreal that I went and now I’m back. Now what?

The last week was quite a scare, one of my friend’s parent had lodged a complaint on our leaders regarding their leadership and concerns over the team’s welfare during the trip and had reported the incident to the sch authorities. Didn’t quite expect that to happen tbh. Haven’t received any updates regarding this so I’m quite out of the loop. I’m not really angsty or upset over this whole situation anyway. 

Sometimes the idea of service feels like a looming cloud over my head, like it’s trying to blur my sight over I want to see VS what I’ld like to feel. Is doing service for others or in fact for our self-fulfillment? How much help have the villagers in fact received, and do they truly need our help? 

Went for a run today (finally) and a sudden reminder hit me that I REALLY REALLY NEED TO DEVELOP SELF-MOTIVATION. A motivation will only then keep me focused, and stay in track for all the challenges I am about to face. Motivation from where? I gonna find out. 

“The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.” 

1 day after coming back from Cambodia. Survived thru so many debriefs, thought and reflected over so many things revolving around service learning. This trip forced me to voice out my thoughts more, which is a good thing sorta, and in the part, I was afraid bc my thoughts changes from time to time and I dont want ppl to be like “hey, you said a different thing a week ago”. I got to appreciate and embrace what I was feeling, and reasoned out my feelings more when u observe your own surroundings. 

quite a tormenting thinking process tbh 

so today, I slept quite a bit. Finished My Secret Romance yest and just watched HP and the philosopher’s stone. Plan to finish the whole series of HP! 

ciao,