Untitled

I've decided no one gets to know the real me. I choose to be alone in my mind. I enjoy the company of many and truly utterly trust not one. I am never alone, yet I'm never honest, so I'm always alone. My thoughts my actions they are mine. I share a little with most, much with a few and all with none. Reality is... Trust is a figment of our imaginations, it is created to be destroyed.

Halloween or not ;)

There were times when u were the sweetness in my life… Your smile lit me from the inside out…your touch made my mind quiver, my spine shiver… A look, a glance, the smile from the twitch of your mouth… Lord help me, I am overwhelmed

Today I’ve decided to take back my life…. I am going to make the decisions I feel are necessary in my life, and be damned the person who stands in my way! I am tired of being a marionette on someone else’s string… It needs to be known that I will do the fuck what I want when I want… My future is MY fate, my choices are my consequences, only I can fulfill or deny the path previously chosen for me by the young inexperienced little girl that I was.. So before me is a fork in the road… Do I continue on in this charade as expected or do I stray from the path? Taste the forbidden fruit? Only time will tell….. ;)

My stomach is clinched, my head throbbing… I know decisions must be made, consequences to whatever conclusion I decide to be my fate… Where do I go, who do I become, why am I questioning what has always just been “me”? Demands from everyone, must I always be the answer? Did this life overtake me or is it just the life I’ve chosen? Confounded by the uncertainty of my selfishness and selflessness I don’t know how to live in between….

Indecision rips through my soul… He tries so hard but is there enough left even try for? He killed my trust, maimed my love, destroyed my self worth…. Now I just forgive?

Closed are my eyes, my heart, my soul. Darkness surrounds my life, engulfs me in its blackness, its emptiness, and slithering it embraces me. My mind can quiet, my soul can take a breath, I am at peace with my inability to fight any longer. As I succumb I feel only relief, from the pain, the rage, the sadness.

The sadness of the nothingness of our relationship has past. The inner demons are now screaming, clawing their way to the surface. All the secrets, all the anguish, pointless.. In my veins now boils an all consuming rage, a fire so hot that I want to let it overtake me. Yet I am too afraid... Too afraid that it will become the beginning of the end. I suppress my feelings, I lock them away, in this, a time when the most destruction calls my name.. I am alone. No one I trust with all of me. Not one understands, for I will not let them. They all play their role in my life, but I've lost the ability to give unconditional faith, trust, or honesty. Maybe because I think they will all leave me, maybe because I want to leave them.

Rules, regulations, morality, all plague me... Perfection is not an option. My only hope is to survive. Controlling thoughts twist in my head, pulling me, changing me, making me question all I know. Everyone whispers behind their smiles, their scorn obvious as I walk away. Who have I become, is this the only part left of me? Can even I find redeeming qualities in myself? Doubtful.

Words are meaningless, yet they cut you to the core.. Actions are more accurate, but manipulations create false realities. I'm sorry replaces I love you. Control becomes the only binding factor between u. Your mind screams and your body aches... You become a hollow shadow of the you that you remember. This is my reality.