hey

my mom died this morning in her sleep after dealing with 3 years of cancer treatment. she had been at the hospital for some days and i havent even talked to her much anymore. she told me that she didnt want me to see her in the state she was in and she could barely hear/talk/stay awake but i dont know whether i ever did enough ever since this hell started.

im not feeling very well and havent in some time. ive been thinking about not really coming back since you know what happened and its getting worse and i really dnt know anymore. my mum is in so much pain existing and walking and can barely carry anything. she was not completely alright 9 months ago but she was doing things she used to do before surgery. i dont know how to help her emotionally or anyway at all. she looks so changed and every movement and small aspect taken for granted can be lost. i hope that maybe it gets better or less painful somehow but truly cant see right now. ive had mostly sad and negative thoughts about life looking back and everything seems to close in. i pulled through to the end of the season and there are just too many things here that annoy me a whole lot. all i get is being more angry sad alone and paranoid. no idea how much time and energy i always spend on all this stuff and caring and worrying. and it feels kind of wasted sometimes and it doesnt really matter to anyone else to that extent.