i’ve been having a hard time adjusting

i love taylor swift every1 else go away

4 months ago i said that i was tired of always being the bigger person, and that remains true. it isn’t really about wanting to feel morally superior. i think kindness simply comes naturally to me, i genuinely want to understand people, i want to be patient with them and sympathetic toward them. ofc there is some comfort in knowing that i did my best, but that has never been the reason. the difficult part is that in nearly every relationship i form, i seem to be the one trying the hardest. i try my best for everyone, truly everyone, even people i have only just met. yet even in my oldest friendships, i often feel as though that effort is not returned. ppl rarely seem willing to meet me halfway, and after a while it becomes difficult not to wonder what is wrong with me. the truth is that i try. i really do try. i have never been a natural. everything worthwhile in me has felt assembled through effort. to be a good friend, to be generous, to be patient, to be kind, i work at all of it. the only thing natural in me is to try / the desire to try. and when that labour is met again and again with indifference, it becomes impossible not to notice the common denominator: me. which leaves me with the suspicion that the flaw may not be behavioural at all, it may be ontological. something embedded in the architecture, something less like a habit and more like a fact, and that’s scarier, because then it can’t just be fixed

um i like it tha best whe ur nice to me

i don’t want to talk if ur not going to talk to me nice

be nice 2 me

they are not grateful enough, at all. i’d be so happy if i had someone like me in my life

98% of people who know me do not even deserve me