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I don't think love dies, instead it resides deep within us. Without reminding us of its existence or how brightly it burned once, but rather stays quiet like a forgotten memory.

I try so hard to understand my feelings but nothing can help. I am helpless in a way that not even the person of the problem can help resolve these feelings. I'm getting weaker and weaker every single day in front of you but you fail to notice. I only wanted your attention and nothing else, for us to keep each other company and not involve another soul. Now I feel as if you have drifted away even though you didn't. I know you will never see me like how you see them. It's suffocating to accept the truth, to feel like I can't breathe properly when the image of you crosses my mind, but it's even harder when you prove me wrong and make me feel as if I'm on cloud 9 with you. I just wish you could desire something that is meant for you, like me.

I never fully realized how nostalgic I tend to think. I always thought of myself as someone who would rather delete the past from memory and think about the present only. But when the present only consists of depression, I guess it leaves you with no options other than reminiscing and thinking about all the people left in your memories, and short-lived experiences. And now, when you check on those same people you realize how much they have done in life, and how you are still making circles in the same place you have been in all your life, and can't help but wonder if that's all your life will be.

UPDATE IT DID COME BACK TO ME

I JUST had a moment of epiphany where such a beautiful play on words came to me for an instant, but I was busy so I forgot what it was. Please bring my muse back to me I want to write about it😭

There is something so dull in knowing that I'm only starting therapy again while knowing nothing can be changed, and that I'm just going there to let it all out just to not get suffocated by all of it on my own. It's scary knowing I can't be trusted alone with my own feelings, but knowing I won't get better just by going to therapy is the worst of it all. Why can't it be helped? Why do I have to be the one who suffers when I'm not even involved in it?

"Is it better to speak or to die" but I'd rather flee the grounds of such a deep connection built together, rather than to set all my deepest desires and passion free to a heart so unreciprocal to it all.

I wish I never had the chance of growing up. Growing up into this disappointing mess that I am. I wish the visions I had at 15 came true and I didn't have to exist now, and make everything worse.

Being the weird girl who only got asked out as a joke in her life actually does stick with you. I thought as I grew up and changed into a different person, I would forget about that weird girl; that everything would change, too. But it feels as if everyone I come across knows it. They know that deep down I'm still that person. It's as if they can smell it off of me, a damned curse that I can't get rid of.