Pondered Thought

I’m tired often, my job requires a lot, yet above all, I love it so much.

I turn 22 in a few days, and I don’t even want anything really.

I have it all rn. I’m feeling the most comfort in life. I feel more mature, like grown. I’m at a pivoting point in my life where I’m figuring it all out, yet I’m comfortable with where I’m at as well. I’m not into the same stuff as I used to be, and I’m also growing to enjoy things I didn’t use to. It’s a weird feeling. I’m still in my head, but at the same time, I’m doing just fine.

I wish I could talk about my job more, that’s a con. The dean of my college sent me a message to do a video interview with me to “brag about your story and share your post-grad success” to share to prospective and current students. They were willing to travel to where I live to film me. It’s so damn flattering and I feel like I really did the most i was able to do in school, and I would have loved to share my story and give advice. After saying yes, shortly after, I had to turn it down. I learned I would have to do a full on legal process and public release agreements to share anything. Above the lengthy approval process, it wouldn’t be my words to share. It would be scripted. I wouldn’t want to share my story if it didn’t come out of my mouth. Other than that kind of con, I love what I do and where I’m at. I’ve been thriving in my work, and my team has praised my efforts.

times are hard.

I feel lost. I have no motivation to finish strong these last 3 weeks. I’m so close, and yet I feel like I’m letting myself slip through the cracks.

My future career terrifies me. I feel like I’m on thin ice all the time. I may have signed an offer, but I still don’t feel like I’ve progressed. Not yet at least. There’s so many barriers.

My dog at home was put down this evening, I’ve been crying all afternoon over it. It’s truly a heartbreaking experience. I’ve been through this before, and it’s truly the worst. RIP Maddi 2004 - 2019. You were a great pup. b

I haven’t been social really. I haven’t gone to Dickson since February. It doesn’t interest me anymore. I don’t feel like I have FOMO or should be somewhere on the nights I stay in. I’m too busy with school, career, and other shit. Still, throughout all the busyness, it’s very hard to remain motivated in school.

The past few months have chewed me up and spit me right back out. From my friend drama to my car getting broken into, to Maddi’s passing, it’s all been very difficult. Throughout the bad there has been some good, though. I’ve traveled for an entire month, I got the attention of my dream company, and I am graduating soon. From a macro perspective, my life awesome. From a micro perspective, it’s been on a constant loop through hell.

I wish my boyfriend was here. I miss him. I needed him today. I miss his hugs and comfort. He’s the biggest sweetheart ever. He comes into town on Thursday, and I’m so excited for him to be here. Just 6 days.

I need to breathe. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I just want a break.

Even though things happened to me after and I’m on a mobile delay, you are my rock.

happy with you it’s stupid.

I don’t want to come back.

I’m ready to be done.

This feels like a different life. I needed this.

Fay doesn’t make me happy. It feels like a prison. Nothing is the same.

Breathe, love.

I can’t talk to anyone without pissing someone else off

I. Don’t. Like. Colt. Holy. Shit.

Everyone thinks I like a guy when they have no idea what the fuck we even talked about

Do they not know I’m on the phone CONSTANTLY with a guy in Dallas every day

Shits been weird, idk. I’m not myself lately.

Lately my life feels as if I’m living in a fishbowl. Everyone sees everything I do, who I’m with, & it gets around.

Recently I got drunk one night and hung out with a guy, a guy who was close with my ex, and had a piece of history with one of my [once was] best friends. We spent the night hanging out until 10 am. We went on late night motorcycle adventures, and watched movies til late.

I fell asleep and woke up at 3 pm. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fuck up. We kissed, and for how bad he wanted to sleep with me I refused. I said out of respect for Lexie, but was it really out of respect for her if we kissed? I feel bad about it.

Two days later rumor spread like wildfire, from strangers we didn’t even know. It got so out of our hands, and I tried to talk to Lexie sooner than later, but kept getting shut down and shoved aside by her rumor beliefs.

For the past week every time I come home her door slams, or closes super quickly. She won’t talk to me. I made a last attempt a few days ago with a note and cake pops asking for her to hear the truth. They were gone 2 days later, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave them to Julie and trashed the note tbh.

I’ve done all I could do. No one believes me. Lexie won’t, Julie won’t, probably the bartenders on Dickson/Lexie’s friends don’t, and I kinda can’t do much anymore. It makes me wonder if some of my friends and I were actually ever that close if they don’t believe me or want to talk to me about it. I’m not asking for us to be friends again, but if she’s going to be mad about it, be mad about the right damn thing.

She cut me out of her life and it’s unfortunate, truly, but again how close were we really if she constantly says she doesn’t want to talk about it, removes me off every social media app, calls me a bitch/says she fucking hates me, and literally won’t let me get a single word in? I get being upset, but I wish she would just talk to me about it instead of believing whatever was said.

My ex got involved too, he cried b/c he was “the last to know”. Literally, I don’t even care. You fell in love with one of my best friends while dating me, then left me. Stay gone.

Truly, this whole situation got way too dramatic in terms of how it was handled. This could have gone better.

I’ve talked about this with a few friends. Lex lost a best friend before too back in August, and now another one. They both ended the same. Blowing up and not letting the other person get much of a say in. After talking about it with her and a few other friends I felt better about a lot. Still feel bad, but not shitty shitty like I was.

The guy I’m seeing back home knows, about everything. I came clean and told him about the situation, the kiss, the bed situation, all of it. He still likes me so much and respects the hell out of me for being truthful to him, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. We shared a lot of personal details last night, and I really think it’s going to move us forward in a better direction.

For now I’m laying low. I’ll write another post about his visit soon. I just had to get this out there. I don’t know where I’ll go from here with anything. I’ll just keep moving forward. Grateful for those who’ve listened, so unbelievably sorry to those I’ve hurt, and I look forward to picking myself back up and continuing on.

I’m hoping this microscope on my life will fuck off now.

I believe in growth & change.

Lately I don’t feel like I’m the same girl I used to be years ago, let alone just a few months ago.

I look at photos from last semester, and I can’t help but smile and cringe at the same time.

I feel weird.

It’s like I’m happy but, I’ve noticed I’ve changed.

Maybe I’ve been hurt so much in 2018, that part of me has left.

I see the difference, I guess that’s my point.