Polyamory & Me

Relationships are key. Key to essentially everything. From business, to home life, to our social network, and our romantic prosperity it is our relationships that are key.

Myself, and many who I know, and follow on social media post often about relationships. I saw a post that struck a chord with me. The following are my thoughts on relationships after reading that post.

The original post started with saying "Falling in love is real, but an endless Romantic Stage is not."

This statement is misleading at best. In many relationships there is an early on state where things are exciting, new, and rose colored. Some refer to this as New Relationship Energy. It exists, yet is not a rule. Most things to us will have a level of excitement attached to the unknown. Especially if the unknown is something we find desirable. It may be semantics, but let's explore the statement itself.

"Falling in love is real" - This statement is unequivocally true. Even, and perhaps especially the most jaded among us know the truth of this statement. We fall in love. Unbidden, unexpected, we can find ourselves consumed by thoughts and interest in another. Filled with fond feelings, and warm desire. At times we may have found ourselves with feelings of love toward someone we know we shouldn't hold those feelings towards. The key to this situation is the "falling". Falling in love is not actually loving someone. It's more likely to be infatuation, lust, or the byproduct of a longing within ourselves that our figurative heart hopes to pacify through attachment with this other person. That's not love. We'll get into that more later.

"An endless Romantic Stage is not. (real)" - This portion of the statement is certainly referring to the time of infatuation, lust, and having a rose colored outlook on things. Those stages of pure emotion long for a position of purchase. They need something to latch on to in order to grow into something substantial and real. Whether it be friendship, chosen family, or romantic partner. If the feelings of "Falling in love" do not find a footing on something real, they will not become something lasting. Referring to this as a "Romantic Stage" shows our ignorance regarding romance, love, and emotional fulfillment. We treat it like something that we expect to happen to us. Like a ride we wait in line for our turn to ride, and though fleeting, we expect to have our turn feeling the excitement of it all. Truly fulfilling relationships of any kind are more like gardening. They require purposeful choices, thoughtful action, and regular attention to flourish. If done so, they will prosper in a way that will leave any feelings of falling in infatuated, lustful, puppy dog affection looking pale in comparison to the radiant kaleidoscope that is real love. Romance dies in a relationship when we let it die. When we leave it to whither and fade. I have known couples that after decades of marriage, and companionship, still enjoy romance together. In my own marriage, which at the time of this writing is three years along, I would wager we are more romantic now than ever. There is sincere effort, and action taken to be that way. If you are a person who needs romance, know that you can have it forever. Choose to keep it.

The post continued with "Living in real life relationships teaches us that:" and listed five things "real life" teaches us about relationships. Admittedly I was put off by these five things because I find very little help in advise that starts with the word "No". It is exponentially more beneficial to share with others what they can do, rather than bludgeoning them with statements of what not to do. Still, let's consider these one by one. I've added my comments below each statement.

1. No one person can be everything you need.

- Our society predominately promotes the idea that we all should eventually end up with a single partner, that we are married to, and so on. Yet they ignore the reality that the many facets of who we are as a person will find fulfillment in different ways, through different relationships. Such as the woman who LOVES her spouse, but still lives for her annual "Girls Weekend" away from everything, with her three remaining childhood friends, locked away at a cabin just far enough out to see the stars at night, where they can drink wine, read books, and barely speak to each other. I'd argue that what "real life" teaches us that we need to be aware of what our needs are. Most things we label as needs are actually wants and desires. If that is the case, we have a level of entitlement that we may benefit from addressing. Once we know our needs, we are responsible for meeting those needs. Not our person. Not our friends, lovers, spouse, parents, no one else is responsible for our needs. They may contribute to our happiness, and help us have the material resources to meet certain needs, yet there is one person who can be everything we need, and that is ourselves.

2. No one can make you better than you were before.

- This is right in line with the previous. There is someone that can make us better than we were before, ourselves. We become empowered and equipped to do this successfully based on what we surround ourselves with, and who we have relationships with. It is not the responsibility or the ability of anyone external to give this to us. Yet to so "No one" is simply wrong. You and I can make ourselves better. Daily, weekly, throughout our lives.

3. No one can be the person you spend all your time with.

- This one made me laugh. Admittedly my case may be an exception, but I can, and often do, spend every day with my wife. She's amazing and I adore her company. That being said, this is also funny from a purely special aspect. You could, in fact, spend every day with one person. Just show up and do it. Like a coworker. Still, though I have spent every day in the company of my wife, there are times we are doing things separate from each other. I may be writing or drawing. While she is reading, gaming, or cuddling the puppies. Either way this statement is just dumb. Like it is trying to tell us we have to spend time with others. We have to have other relationships. In truth, we don't have to. Though often we would benefit from different relationships. They will encourage our growth and development in different ways. It is wise to have varying kind of relationships. Ones that challenge our minds, our bodies, and spur us forward.

4. No one can love absolutely everything about you.

- This point is where we can start getting into what love is. Those we have relationships with may not always like everything about us, our choices, or habits. Love however is a choice. My brother from another mother has habits there are selfish and inconsiderate. I didn't always appreciate and like when he acted upon those behaviors. Yet I love him. Because of that, I would also love the things I didn't like. This is possible because I didn't view those behaviors as a slight against me, or even something for me to criticize. My interest was being a brother to him. This required loyalty, investment, and love. When I was confronted by behaviors from him I didn't like I would choose to love him, and use those moments to understand him better. They would show me where he was as a person. Where he was growing, and where he may have been hurt. I would then take this into consideration in how I would communicate with him. It helped us grow closer, helped him to learn he could trust me, and helped me know how I needed to communicate with him to better let him know when I needed something addressed. It was far from easy, yet without loving those parts of him that I didn't like it would have proven impossible.

5. No partner can do things for you that you need to do for yourself.

- What are the things we need to do for ourselves? This statement is vague and assumes a lot. It could likely be rewritten to say "It is our responsibility to take accountability for meeting our individual needs." People view needs differently, and a partner can do many things for us. What is unreasonable and unhealthy is to expect our partner to meet our needs. They might choose to contribute, and by doing so they show us how important we are to them, and how much they love us. However if we allow ourselves to be dependent upon external sources to fulfill needs only we can fully identify we set ourselves up for an unhealthy, codependent, entitled approach to life. It is paramount that we as individuals have a clear, accurate understanding of what our needs are, and how they differ from our wants. If we have real needs that require attention, that is our responsibility. Only by addressing, and growing through those things will we find ourselves in a position to have the best partnership possible.

Following those five items the post offered this: "What a relationship CAN and SHOULD do for you:" and listed six points. Let's explore these.

1. You must be treated with respect.

- One would hope that we would only be in relationships that show us respect. Wording in this statement reads like it is the responsibility of the other person in the relationship to respect us. I would argue it is not. That is once again selfish, entitled thinking that lacks personal accountability. We should not tolerate disrespect, please understand that. However, using my marriage for example, it is not my wife's responsibility to treat me with respect. It is my responsibility to communicate to her what I need, where my boundaries are, and to help her understand how I need to be treated. She then has the opportunity to choose to show me how much she loves me by respecting my requests. If I feel like she is acting disrespectfully towards me, it is my responsibility to advocate for myself, communicate what I am not appreciating, and take appropriate actions to not accept disrespectful treatment. This can be challenging. Many of us know someone who stayed in a disrespectful relationship of any kind because they couldn't see a way out, or didn't recognize the disrespect for what it was. This reality only amplifies the important of self-awareness, and having an objective view of our needs and boundaries.

2. You must feel safe.

- Similar to what we discussed regarding respect, feeling safe is our responsibility. This doesn't mean people have the right to treat us poorly. This means that in a situation where we might feel threated, or like we are always having to walk on eggshells, if we take the position of thinking "my partner/friend/family member needs to make me feel safer." We are only setting ourselves up for more pain. As with many aspects of life, it is easier said than done. If we find ourselves feeling unsafe in any way, we need to remove ourselves from the situation. In turn, if we are a person of good character, and we see someone who seems to be in an unsafe situation, we would do well to encourage them to get to a safer place. It isn't the relationship that should make us feel safe. We should only be in relationships with people who we've identified as safe and worthy of our time and attention. If someone should prove to be unsafe, they are no longer worthy and we need to take accountability for ourselves and leave that situation.

3. You should feel loved the great majority of the time.

- This statement is full of entitlement and insecurity. Love is a vast, interesting concept. We all love differently. There are conversations around the idea of love languages, and how some resonate more strongly than others depending on the individual. More so, the love language we most readily enjoy receiving, may not be the one we use to show how much we truly care. This is easily seen as more true than not simply by the perpetual stereotypes found in relationships. We have all likely heard, or seen depicted in media, the couple suffering a disconnect. Partner A wishes Partner B would give them more personal time, and talk to them more. They don't feel loved because they aren't being acknowledged, included, and engaged. While Partner B feels like Partner A doesn't appreciate all they do for them, and doesn't feel loved because of it. The disconnect is Partner A feels most loved when receiving Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation, however Partner B shows their love through Acts of Service, and Gift Giving. Does this mean for Partner A that Partner B is failing at making them feel loved? No. This means that if Partner A loves Partner B, they would do well to learn and understand how Partner B shows their love naturally. Then communicate with them that they would value receiving other kinds of expression. When we start saying that we should feel some way, or deserve to be treated some way, because we are in a relationship of some kind we are acting shallow, entitled, and simply unloving on our part. If we want to feel loved by those who claim to love us, we would be wise to help them know how to best love us and give them to opportunity to do so.

4. Your relationship should create far more possibilities than it takes away.

- In any conversation I have with anyone about building and maintaining a healthy relationship of any kind. That means family, friends, lovers, spouses. Any kind of relationship, a key facet for long term success and happiness comes from growth, personally and unitedly. That being said, I do agree with this statement for the most part, however there is a major flaw in it. Being embarrassingly vague as most of these statements are, we don't really know what they mean by "Possibilities". When and how do we decide that we are not receiving possibilities, or worse, losing them? My brain went straight to the major flaw in this, and I'm keeping this within the romantic relationship spectrum, as it seems the theme. If a person were to follow the logic of this point, what would they do when confronted by major illness, or debilitating injury? If we're in a committed romantic partnership with someone, and now they can no longer walk, eat normally, or clean themselves, do we bail because our potential possibilities have moved from the black to the red? The person who decides to stay will be willingly choosing a life that in many ways will eliminate options for them, removing major possibilities in life, and confining them to the necessary actions needed to care for a loved, romantic partner, who cannot care for themselves. But based on point 4, at face value, a relationship should create far more, not just more, but far more possibilities than it takes away. There are people who, when faced with a partner who now needs great care just to meet a minimum of basic human existence, will leave the relationship and the person. There are others who choose to stay, and to love their partner, doing all they can to help meet their needs. Rather than thinking "My relationship should give me possibilities." I would suggest we consider our relationships, and what they are worth to us. What would we be willing to give, to pay, or sacrifice, to be a partner who creates possibilities for those we love?

5. You should have passion and intimacy.

- Before I get into this one, lets read it again together. "You should have passion and intimacy." Did you read that is something you should be receiving? Or did you read it as something you should be offering? If you read it as something you should be offering, then you are wise, and correct. If you read it as something you should be receiving then you continue to operate as an entitled, petulant child, and should seek help. But since you've read this far, I'll do my best. My wife taught me early in our relationship, when we were friends and nowhere near lovers or partners, the life changing concept of "Enthusiastic Consent". Emphasis on "Enthusiastic". Consent is necessary and commonly considered within the realm of relationships. However enthusiasm isn't. When she mentioned this to me it struck a chord deep down in my soul and I knew she was correct. You see, as a simply man I have been guilty at times of thinking with my libido. As such I hoped from a young age that I would grow up and be a good lover. Should I be so fortunate to have a partner who wanted me sexually. In that effort I recognized early on that a great ingredient for pleasurable sex was enthusiasm. Think about it. You're in a privileged position to share great physical intimacy with someone who has consented, and wants to be with you. Get Excited!! To this day I hold this as a great truth. Yet I had never thought to attach it to consent itself. Doing that changed my outlook on life forever. Taking it further, I would agree that we should have passion and intimacy in our relationships, and it should start with us. Do we want them to trust us, and let us in on their personal needs, wants, fears, and desires? Then we should share that intimacy first. Do we want them to be engaged, supportive, and excited to be a part of our life? We should be offering that passion first. Notice none of these things I just said are sexual. Why? Because those are the areas where passion and intimacy are most valuable. Sex is great. Having passion and physical intimacy is an amazing privilege. Yet what do you do if your partner no longer craves physical intimacy? Or cannot physically participate in it? Do we throw our hands up and leave, siting the lack of passion and intimacy point above? We could, yet we would only be proving how selfish, entitled, and immature we are. There are many factors that play into a person's ability to be passionate, or intimate on any level. We can be understanding of those things. We can support them, and help meet needs that may result in increased passion and intimacy. No matter what the circumstances are, if we want a healthy relationship, then we must be passionate and offer intimacy.

6. You should feel seen.

- There are a few statements that make me feel like I've done well towards someone, and one of them is if they say to me "You make me feel seen." It tells me I've affirmed them. I've behaved, and treated them in a way that shows I have paid quality attention to what they need and desire. I'm not trying to fit them in a box, or treat them inconsiderately. As someone who grew up in an environment of neglect and disregard, it feels really good to be told I gave that to someone. That being said, I do not think I've ever said it to someone, felt it, or felt a need for it. Perhaps I'm an odd duck, which I'm pretty confident is more true than not, but I do not need to feel seen by others. Lack of being "seen" while growing up must have left me with habits, or ways that I compensate for that. That being the case, as an individual I do not feel I should "feel seen" within my relationships. This could be a semantics thing, as I do desire to feel respected, and treated considerately. I point out this difference to further emphasize the importance of loving the person. We too often go into relationships operating under titles and predisposed expectations of what we are allowed to expect based on those titles. Are we friends, boy/girlfriend, just dating, casual lovers, siblings, family, spouses? The moment we begin forming expectations off of socially accepted titles we stop acknowledging, and engaging with the person we are maintaining a relationship with. Perhaps rather than worrying about whether or not we feel seen, we should be working on seeing the other person. This goes back to points made above. It is difficult to argue we should have something that we are not making the effort to give. Relationships, no matter the kind, success or failure depends on all in the relationship. There is so much rhetoric around the entitled, what do you deserve mindset in relationships. Like connecting with a person is synonymous with buying a car, or picking out a tech gadget to enjoy. It's completely counterproductive to healthy, long lasting relationships. Relationships are not something we ever possess, neither are people. Relationships are something we nurture, and we would be wise to do so wisely.

As touched on earlier, relationships are like gardening. First the responsibility starts with us. Do we have the tools and knowledge to start a garden/relationship? Do we have the space or capacity to even have a garden/relationship? Have we determined what kind of garden/relationship would bring us the most value? Like in a literal garden, we wouldn't just plant anything. Especially if allergies were involved. We would focus on planting, caring for, and nurturing plants that would give us a harvest we will enjoy and benefit from. Similarly we would be wise to take the time to consider what kind of person we want to be invested in. Are they someone who adds the value we want to our lives? Likewise, are we someone who will add value to their life? If we live in an apartment, we are limited by the realities of our space available in what kind, or how many plants we can nurture. Whereas, if we have a big yard available, we can be more ambitious and invest ourselves into a wider range of options. Self-awareness, accountability, focusing on value, and being objective about what we can and are comfortable investing are all tools we must regularly use as we tend our relationships/gardens.

To receive love from someone is life's greatest gift. We cannot take it, buy it, and it isn't owed to us. They may show us the love of a friend, or sibling. They may share passionate, intimate, emotionally stirring love with us. In every case it is a gift.

To give love to another is life's grandest privilege. Make no mistake, love, real love, is action and choice. We do not fall into it. It may be initially encouraged along by attraction, endearment, or the magical spell of lust. Those all have a weak foundation and can be fleeting. As we love others, it is important to remember it is a privilege. It doesn't entitle us to anything. They aren't required to love us back. Even more they can refuse our love. No matter how strongly we might feel we love someone, it means nothing without supportive action and choices.

This may be why we want so badly to be able to post lists like this, and shout into the void that we deserve these things in a relationship. It may be why relationships are challenging at times. The reality is there is a subtle balance between what we want, need, dislike, and desire. There are things we home to get through our relationships. There are things that must always start with us, and if we have not fulfilled that effort, we will only be certain to have challenges in our relationships.