the artist's fear of the pollen count

Hello everyone,

it’s me, the lost daughter. I have pretty much abandoned tumblr but I still check on it every now and then, thinking of you guys. Although I haven’t been active artistically lately, I’m still doing quite ok. I’ve found two new loves that enrich my life so immensely... and of course I am talking about cats. So I did what every responsible adult would do, I made an Instagram account for them. If you like, you can follow me and we can become estranged friends that never really interact on yet another platform. Wouldn’t that be great?

But as time went by, my dreams faded away until I reached a point where I frequently couldn’t see myself at all ten years from now. And there’s that lump forming in my throat even thinking about it.

But as I read that question today, it felt different. The thing is, I have no idea, where I’m going to be in ten years. Or who I’m going to be. And it’s frightening, sure, but manageable. Having lost my way, my aspirations, has been a terrifying process. There have been many dark days (and there still are, although less overwhelming). But I feel like I can do it. Whatever it is. And that made me think of something someone once said to me; it’s a quote from John Lennon who probably got it from someone else: Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. Which sounds awfully simplistic, but it kinda stuck with me and it turned out to be true.

So yeah, I have no fucking idea what the future brings, but I’m here to find out.

Thank you so much, lovely anon. This means a lot to me. Just so you (and anybody who might be interested) know, I’m doing ok these days. Work is very demanding, but mostly in a good way. I’ve promised myself to be more optimistic, even though it might still be hard at times and there are still challenges to overcome. But I’m actually feeling ok about all that.

Anyway, thank you again and have a wonderful day. I hope you are doing fine yourself. 

it’s been a while so I thought I’d say hello.

Well, I have gotten into that new job. And so far I quite enjoy it. It feels more suitable to me than any other position I’ve been in so far, which is good, I guess. I really hope that impression lasts.

Besides, I’ve been trying some meds to... you know... make life a little more manageable. I’m not there yet, but I keep fighting and hoping.

I can’t quite find the energy to draw or do anything beyond basic human tasks and work, but I’m not giving up.

The main reason I’m stopping by is to thank everyone who’s had some nice words during the last couple of months, especially @absinthianajones. You have no idea how much these little gestures mean to me.

People like you are the reason I keep coming back to this place.

The thing is, my life hasn’t exactly been full of sunshine and rainbows for a very long time. Or, as the German proverb goes: Das Leben ist kein Ponyhof!

And by “long time” I mean, I have suffered from Depression and Anxiety for as long as I can think. And it’s taken a toll on me. It has affected me so much that I don’t even know the person I would be without it.

I’m not saying this to be pitied or anything. I’m saying this because, today I finally managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist... after having tried for many years. Because every single time I managed to gather the courage to ask for help I got disappointed. I either was not taken seriously or I got straight-away rejected. And for someone who already has no sense of self-worth that’s the worst that can happen.

So today I took all my courage (again) and I finally succeeded. And while it’s just an appointment, just a date on my calendar, it’s still a milestone for me personally and it’s probably the first time I’m actually looking forward to a visit to the doctor.

Aside from that I'm doing trial work tomorrow for a job I’m interested in. The chances are good I get the job (I’ve already had an interview) but my gut feeling is so-so, I’m really hoping tomorrow will bring clarity.

In addition I have been thinking about creating art and fan art in particular; and what it means to me. As you might have noticed, over the last couple of years I have drawn less and less... not because I’ve lost interest but because of... well, all the shit I’ve mentioned earlier and in other posts.

The problem is, I want to work, I want to draw and paint stuff for others and for myself, I want to give others treats and make them smile with my art (that’s why I wanted to do that give-away... and to say “thank you”). BUT I have to acknowledge that I am not in the position to do so at this point in my life. Right now what is most important to me is to get better, so that one day I can be at peace with myself.

What I’m saying is, don’t expect a lot of fan art from me in the near future. And should you decide to unfollow me due to this, I can absolutely understand.

On the other hand, should you still want to follow me, even though there’s not a lot I can offer in return... thank you, I appreciate it.

just in case anybody wants to know.

I’ve lost my job... well, not exactly, I got removed to another location.

As some might know I used to work with schoolchildren; and while I had thought about resigning for a while now, I never actually followed through with it, because I wanted to stay for the kids.

Now, I got suddenly and at very short notice removed to work with a pre-kindergarten group at the other end of the city.

So, over the last 2 weeks I’ve been constantly emotionally overwhelmed.

It’s like, you can do your best, take all the shit from your boss or colleges, just to get dumped like you’re nothing.