Just a Little Disassociation

Joel Miller x OFC

Summary: Lily knew it would happen any day now, but now that it's here, she didn't realize the emotions it would bring for everyone involved.

Warnings: childbirth, implied age gap, violence, canon divergence, PTSD, implied sexual situations

Notes: Hi everyone! This kind of got away from me, but I also wanted a more realistic childbirth scene (because I've had two kids with no meds, I promise it isn't as scary as the TV tells you) but I wanted to give Joel and Ellie something a bit happier. Thank you for all your support! ❤️

She'd thought she had no family left by the time she'd met Joel Miller.

She'd come from Nashville, choosing to escape the Atlanta QZ with her family. Her parents, her seven siblings, and a few people they'd picked up along the way. Lily had been eleven when the world effectively ended; gradually, she'd lost everyone she loved.

Her mother was the first to go; dying from an aggressive brain tumor that they'd only discovered a week after arriving at Boston. Lily had been thirteen then, and it was the first splinter in the slow shattering of her world.

Next came Lily's oldest sister, Emma, who died from hemhorraging in childbirth. Her baby was taken by Emma's husband, and they went north to Maine.

Then, it was Lily's brothers, Timothy and Aidan, who were killed trying to smuggle items out of the QZ. Lily's twin sisters Hannah and Hallie were infected on a supply run. Her remaining brother, Emmett, was killed in a mugging gone wrong inside the QZ. All of them died by the time Lily was twenty.

By the time Lily was twenty-two, she'd watched as her father, the only relative she had left with her, took his last breath. He'd been infected saving her, and the person to put him down had been the man who saved her life: Joel Miller.

Joel and Tess had become whatever semblance of a family Lily had. Her last remaining sibling, her sister Aileen, had left with her husband and a group to go to Cody, Wyoming by that time. After long enough without contact, Lily had just assumed they'd never made it.

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Lily had never intended on falling in love with Joel Miller, it happened so slowly that she didn't understand it until Frank, whom she considered one of her closest friends, had pointed it out.

"You look at him like he's your universe, Lily. And he looks at you that way, too."

She didn't think her heart could hold any love after the weight of the grief she carried. Her mother, her father, her brothers and sisters, her baby nephew--all of it hung heavy around her heart like a millstone, threatening to pull her under like a current.

Joel had been her first everything: her first kiss, her first time, the first man she'd allowed herself to be close to. Though he never said it, she knew the grief he carried kept him from being too hopeful. They couldn't afford something as expensive as hope in the nightmare their world had become.

It had all happened one night after Lily had saved Joel's life, shooting at a raider who had nearly shot him when they were smuggling medicine back into the QZ. Joel yelled at her, told her she was foolish for nearly taking a bullet for him, that she should never take risks like that. Lily had shoved him with all her might, her red hair wild in a fiery halo as all the years of pain and rage bubbled to the surface.

"I can't lose you, Joel!" She screamed, "I love you, I can't lose you, I won't lose you! I've lost everything else, you're the one good thing I have left!"

Joel had frozen at her admission, but then the floodgates opened. His lips found hers, and they fell into bed that night. His rough hands found her soft, pale skin, drinking her in like she was a fresh spring and he was a man dying of thirst.

"Are you sure you want this? I can stop. We can stop." Joel had asked, hovering above her. She'd nodded, green eyes locked on Joel.

"Never been so sure about anything, Joel." Lily promised. It was worth the temporary pain of her first time, so many things between them that didn't need to be said.

She'd given him her heart that night, and she'd never looked back, knowing that he might ever reciprocate the depth of love she felt. She'd take whatever she could get with him, even if that just meant sharing a bed.

That was five years ago.

Joel still had a lot of baggage; they all did, really. The grief was a heavy burden to bear, and Joel and Lily both carried their own, forgetting about it as they found each other underneath their threadbare sheets in the tiny apartment they shared.

Joel had started calling Lily his wife, and she never corrected him. She went where he went, despite his protests. They'd worked with Tess, the three of them becoming a unit, a weird semblance of a family. For Lily, it was all she needed, all she dared to hope for in this new world. Joel wasn't a soft man; he was jagged edges and hardness and fury. Lily never minded, knowing that gruff warnings, his rough hands holding her face, his stern commands, they were the way he showed how he cared. Lily never tried to fight for more. She loved Joel for the man he'd become in this new world, long gone were any girlish dreams of a soft man and a happily ever after.

Getting pregnant was not part of the plan. Not something she'd expected.

She and Joel had never discussed children--she had always figured that he didn't want that kind of attachment, and she was too scared to bring it up. It had been a night he'd nearly lost her, a random attack by some thugs who had tried to rough her up but didn't account for Joel being so close behind and recognizing her screams as she fought. He'd had a rage that night like Lily had never seen, until he turned and saw her face, pulling her to him with a crushing force that left her startled.

"We're going home. You're safe now." Joel whispered.

That night, he lost every inhibition he'd had. He'd gripped her hips so hard he left bruises and didn't stop. She'd let him take her, digging her nails into his shoulders and sighing his name with nearly every thrust. It was rough and primal, and Lily had never felt anything like it. He wrapped his fingers in her hair, pulling just hard enough to control her head while he kissed up her neck.

"You. Are. Mine." He growled as he left marks on her neck. Lily sighed his name as she lost all of her thoughts. By the time they were done, neither said anything. That night, he'd whispered that he loved her while he thought she was asleep.

She'd only pretended to be asleep.

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She'd suspected something for weeks. Not that she'd had any experience with pregnancy before, aside from Emma's, but every smell made her gag. She'd cried over small things, things that would never normally bother her before. She honestly hadn't cried in years. Then, of course, was the period that never came.

She'd confided in Tess, and Tess had followed her to the doctor and hugged her as the doctor confirmed she was about eight weeks along. She'd made Tess swear not to say anything to Joel. Tess assured her.

Unfortunately for Lily, Tess didn't need to say a word.

Joel was too smart not to suspect anything.

"You gonna tell me, or you gonna keep hiding it?" He asked, his fourth glass of whiskey in hand.

Lily had panicked, wringing her hands and bursting into tears. "Joel, I didn't plan it, I didn't do this on purpose."

"I know." Joel said, taking another sip, "how far along, you think?"

"Doctor said about eight weeks, and that was two weeks ago." Lily replied.

"Something was off, I knew that much. But Lily, two weeks? You didn't tell me for two weeks?" Joel asked, his voice irate.

"I didn't know... I didn't know how to tell you." Lily was sobbing now, all of her unsaid wishes and heartbreak and the sliver of hope cracking through the splintered cracks of her heart and overflowing.

"Joel, I don't expect you to stay. I know we've never talked about any of this, I know you don't want this. I don't--I don't expect you to stick around. I can do this. I'm so scared, but I want this. This is a good thing, and I want to be selfish. I've lost people before, Joel, so if you want to leave, I won't be mad, but I love this baby, and I can't go back." Lily confessed through tears.

Joel surprised her, closing the distance and wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm not leaving you alone. I wouldn't have done that before, I sure as hell won't now." He whispered.

"You never said--you never mentioned--"

"I know, Lily." Joel replied, "But we're here now. Time to make it work."

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Lily was seventeen weeks along when the group agreed to take Ellie out West.

Joel had protested and swore up and down that she wasn't going, Tess did, too. But Lily, with her red hair and temper to match, dug her heels in.

"You said you wouldn't leave me. You're leaving. I'm going with you, whether you like it or not. I never heard from my sister, I'm not letting you two go knowing you might not come back. Worst case scenario, we find Tommy, maybe we find Aileen too. Anything is better than a Fedra QZ." She'd said to Joel, who was so mad he wanted to lock her up and throw away the key.

"It isn't safe out there!" Joel said, "You gonna have that baby on the road?"

"If I have to, yes! But say we take that kid out there, and we find Tommy, and Aileen. Say we find a better place. Do you really want this baby growing up here?"

Joel's jaw tensed. "You're not going go slow us down."

"I know." Lily replied.

"You will listen to me about everything. No questions." Joel snapped.

"I promise." Lily said. She moved toward Joel, taking his hand and placing it on her abdomen.

"Joel, the last twenty years of our lives have been nothing but disaster. What if we can fix this for our baby?" Lily asked.

"You sure you want to do this?" Joel asked.

Lily nodded. With that, Joel turned to Tess.

"Guess we're takin' the kid."

-----------------

Of course, that trip began with tragedy, with Tess getting infected. Lily had screamed, pleaded, fell to her knees. Not Tess. Not the only sister she had left.

"I can't have this baby without you!" Screamed Lily between sobs, "I need you!"

"You can, and you will. Look at me, Lily. Get Ellie out West. Take care of Joel." Tess had told her.

Tess had told Joel to save who he could save, and he promptly drug Ellie and Lily out by the arms as the state building went up in flames.

It was only a few hours later that Ellie looked at Lily, eyes wide.

"You're having a baby?" She asked. Lily nodded.

"Huh. I guess I didn't think he had it in him." Ellie shrugged.

For the first time, Lily laughed. Joel took notice.

-----------------------

After Joel's injury, the three sheltered in a cabin in the woods to nurse him back to health. Lily had acquired some medical knowledge, scouring over books after her family died, and she was able to patch Joel up as best she could. She'd managed to keep him healthy despite the risk of infection, and he had slowly but surely come back. By the time that Joel had gotten well enough to walk around, Lily was due any time. She figured she had about two weeks left until her due date.

"We don't have to stay here, Joel." Lily said, stoking the fire to cook what she'd foraged along with the deer Ellie had hunted the day before.

"Yes, we actually do. That baby is coming any day now, and we're not going on the road." Joel replied.

"I think I have to agree." Ellie said, "You're huge now. You can barely walk."

"You're supposed to be on my side." Lily huffed, "We need to be making time."

"After the baby is born." Joel promised, "It's too dangerous now. Stop asking questions."

Lily grumbled; she knew this was how Joel kept her safe, but she also felt helpless. The last few days had left her utterly exhausted, and she felt off in a way she just couldn't explain. Joel had insisted she eat more, had made her stop and rest. Even Ellie, who normally teased Joel, was in agreement: they wouldn't leave until Lily had the baby.

As it turned out, Joel was right.

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Lily woke the next day to a pain in her abdomen.

It wasn't sharp. She could still talk through it, but it was large enough to notice. She tried to go back to sleep, but was awoken ten minutes later by the same annoying pain. She pushed through it while making breakfast, leaning over the wood stove in the cabin. Ellie had noticed, stopping mid-chew to tap Joel on the forearm.

"Everything okay?" Joel asked.

Lily nodded, pretending she wasn't in pain.

"I'm fine, just those Braxton-Hicks contractions." Lily assured him.

"They might be real now, Lily." Said Ellie.

Joel walked over to her, rubbing her back just slightly.

"Keep your strength up. I think it's time. I'm going to get some stuff ready." Joel said.

Lily rolled her eyes, but was secretly thankful that Joel knew more than she did. Her mother had died before she could explain much about childbirth, and Emma's childbirth had ended so badly that Lily had all but blocked it out.

Joel had set to work, boiling water, getting blankets ready, and preparing a space for Lily. He'd been there when his daughter was born, he knew what took place. Lily had some idea from the books she read and from talking to Tess, but she was otherwise clueless.

By lunch time, the contractions were every seven minutes. They were uncomfortable, but she could still move through them. As she walked around the outside of the cabin, Ellie walked with her.

"Do you hope it's a boy, or a girl?" Ellie asked, trying to distract Lily.

"I know it's dumb to say I don't care, but I don't. I never thought I'd have this chance." Lily said, bracing herself against the side of the cabin. She could see Joel's watchful eye, and Ellie rubbed her back.

"I think it would be cool if you had a boy." Ellie said, "I wonder if he'd be as gloomy as Joel?"

Lily laughed, putting her hands on her hips and standing up straight.

"I hope not." Lily said, "But secretly, I'm hoping for a boy, too."

The contractions were starting to come closer now, slowly making Lily wretch from the severity of them. Ellie had timed them, they were starting to come every four minutes instead of every seven. Joel had walked around the cabin with Lily again, stopping as she felt the need to squat as a contraction overtook her.

"I'm sorry you're going through this." Joel said, "I should have been more careful."

"Joel, it was bound to happen." Lily replied, grunting through the contractions that were starting to get stronger, "We were sleeping together pretty often."

"I just forgot what having a baby looks like." Joel said, "Sarah's mom, she got pain medicine pretty quick, but her labor was pretty quick."

"My mom said her labor with Emma was nearly three days." Lily replied, rubbing her back as a contraction took over again, "It's one of the few things I remember. She had all of us at home."

"It's going to get worse before it gets better." Joel told her, "Just remember that."

---------------

By the time evening arrived, contractions were coming every two minutes. Lily was having a hard time keeping focus, so much so that she was starting to groan and growl as the contractions came over her in waves.

Then, the real challenge came as her water finally broke.

For all of the books she'd read, nothing prepared her for how strong the contractions became. No matter how Joel or Ellie tried to help, the contractions had her starting to scream, swaying from side to side and squatting as her instincts took over.

"You're getting close, honey. It won't be much longer." Joel assured her, running fingers through her hair.

The contractions came harder and harder, the pressure of the baby causing Lily to squat to get some relief.

"I can't do this, Joel." Lily cried, "I can't have a baby. I can't do this."

Joel took her by the shoulders, trying to center Lily as she panicked.

"Look at me, Lily. Yes, you can." Joel said, "You're going to have this baby, and you'll be fine."

"I don't want to do this anymore!" Lily screamed as another contraction came.

"You kind of don't have a choice." Ellie said.

Lily had managed to lean over the bed, Joel and Ellie on their side as she swayed.

"I want my mom!" Lily growled, panting as she took off her shirt, the heat becoming oppressive.

Joel and Ellie looked at each other, a silent conversation passing between each other as Lily continued to scream.

Joel placed a cool rag on the back of her neck, speaking to her as softly as he could.

"You're almost there, sweetheart. Let me check and see how close you are." Joel said, helping Lily into the bed. He helped her remove her pants, tossing them aside to take a look. Another contraction hit Lily, this time so strong that she moved nearly all the way up the bed.

"I can't do it anymore." Lily cried.

"Lily, look at me. You're almost done. I can see the baby, it's head is right there. You're gonna need to push." Joel said.

Ellie gripped Lily's hand, breathing with her as she cried.

One more contraction, and Lily began to push.

"You can do it, Lily, come on, keep going. Baby's coming." Joel said. Lily took a breath as Ellie placed a wet rag, cooled with snow, on her forehead and around her neck.

Another contraction, and Lily pushed with all her might.

"Head's out, sweet girl." Joel said.

"Get it out of me. Now." Lily cried.

"Almost there, you're doing good." Joel assured her.

"I can't do it!" Lily screamed as another contraction overtook her.

"You're doing it, Lily, keep pushing." Joel's voice was firm.

One more agonizing push, Lily screaming with all of her might, holding on to Ellie for dear life, and Joel pulled the tiny baby free, laughing incredulously.

"A son, Lily, we have a son!" He all but exclaimed, handing the wriggly, tiny baby to Lily.

"A boy?" Lily looked down and stared at the boy--her son--for the first time.

"Joel, look at him!" Lily cried, "look at our son!"

Joel leaned forward, kissing Lily's forehead.

"You did it, honey. You did it. Look at him." Joel whispered, "He's a tiny thing."

"I've never seen a baby before." Ellie whispered, her eyes locked on the tiny baby in Lily's arms.

Lily was in disbelief. The boy in her arms had the most beautiful dark hair and wide eyes. He looked so much like Joel that it took her back. She cried as her baby boy--their baby boy--cried. She brought him up to nurse, Joel giving her gentle instruction (as he'd said Sarah's mother had nursed too).

Her little boy. Her dark haired little baby. He was there. He was healthy.

As Joel and Ellie helped clean her up, they cut the cord and took the afterbirth out. Lily bled, but from what Lily could tell, it was a normal amount and nothing outrageous. As she laid in bed, nursing her new son, Ellie sat vigilantly at the end, staring constantly.

"Would you like to hold him, Ellie?" Lily asked.

"I've never held a baby." Ellie replied.

Lily leaned forward, handing Ellie the bundle in her arms. She helped Ellie adjust his head, and Ellie looked down, transfixed.

"I always wanted a little brother, never got one." Ellie whispered.

Without thinking twice, Lily said, "Now you have one."

Ellie blinked, Lily smiling slightly as she'd realized what she said.

"Joel said I was cargo." Ellie replied.

"Joel has had a hard life, Ellie." Lily reminded her, "He thinks that if he doesn't get attached it doesn't hurt as much."

Lily sighed, looking at the bundle in Ellie's arms, sleeping peacefully.

"Although now, I know. I know how much I'd hurt if I lost him, and he doesn't have a name yet." Lily whispered.

----------------

Lily left the baby with Ellie and walked outside to the porch. Joel had been sitting out there for over an hour. He was staring straight ahead. He'd washed the blood off of his hands and cleaned up as much as he could.

"What are you doing out here? Get back inside." Joel said.

Lily sat down next to him, taking his hand.

"I wanted to come check on you." Lily said.

"I'm not the one who had a baby." Joel replied.

"You helped. You kept me safe." Lily said, "You brought me my son."

"He's somethin' else, isn't he?" Joel mused, looking down at his hands.

"He looks just like you." Lily laughed.

"Don't say mean things about the baby." Joel said. Lily cracked a smile, swatting his arm.

"Joel Miller, don't joke like that. Your looks got you a hot younger wife."

"Stop that." Joel huffed, trying to pretend to be irritated.

"I couldn't have done this without you. Or without Ellie." Lily said, "I wish my parents could have met him."

"I wish Sarah could have met him." Joel said, so low Lily almost didn't hear.

"I know, baby. I like to think wherever my parents are, wherever my brothers and sisters and Sarah are, they all sent him." Lily said. Joel looked at her, an unfamiliar warmth in his eyes that Lily had never before seen.

"He needs a name." Joel offered.

"I think you should name him." Lily replied

"Why me?" Joel asked.

"Because you're his daddy. And he's going to love you." Lily said.

"There was a book, Sarah loved it, read the cover off. The boy, the main character, his name was Jesse. Sarah said if she ever got a brother, she wanted to name him Jesse."

"Bridge to Terabithia." Lily said, "I read that book, too. It was one of my favorites."

Joel looked at her, his eyes glassy. He took a deep, ragged breath, standing up and helping Lily to her feet.

"Jesse. Jesse Thomas. That's his name." Joel said, matter-of-factly, opening the door to let Lily inside first. The two saw Ellie sitting in the chair, still staring at baby Jesse, sitting next to the fire in a rocking chair.

"He has a name now." Lilly said, sitting next to Ellie to take the sleeping baby.

"What are you going to call him?" Ellie asked.

"Jesse." Said Joel, standing to take a look at the sleeping baby. Lily stood up, motioning for Joel to sit down.

"It's time you sit with your son." Lily said. She handed Jesse to Joel, the baby suddenly looking much smaller in Joel's big frame.

"I never thought I'd do this again." Joel whispered.

Lily leaned down, placing a kiss to Joel's temple. He leaned in slightly, holding Jessie's tiny hand in his own.

"You get some rest, Lily girl, I'll bring him back if he needs you." Joel promised.

Lily went back to the bed, Ellie going with her. Both fell asleep quickly, Lily feeling the events of the last day in every part of her body. Lily slept hard, not even moving, until she heard Jesse start to stir a few hours later. She sat up, looking at a snoring Ellie next to her, and walked into the living room. She leaned against the door frame, watching Joel cradle Jesse in his arms and rock him.

"Guess we should go get your mama now." Joel whispered, "She is something else, you'll see. She loves you so much."

"I love you too, you know." Lily said. Joel startled, momentarily tightening his hold on Jesse.

"I didn't see you there." Joel whispered, "He's starting to get hungry."

"Come sit. Get some rest, Joel." Lily said.

"I want to look at him some more." Joel said. Lily sat on the couch, putting Jesse to her chest to nurse. Joel sat at the end, propping his feet up and watching them.

"Being a daddy looks good on you." Lily whispered, taking Joel's hand in hers.

"I never thought I'd get to do this again." Joel confessed, "Maybe, if we get to Wyoming, and it's safe enough, maybe we could do it again."

Lily smiled so wide her cheeks hurt. "We just had him last night, and you already want another?" She teased.

"I'm gettin' old, Lily-girl. If we're gonna have more, better do it before you're changing my diapers, too."

Lily laughed so deeply that tears streamed out of her eyes. "I'd still do it, I told you, I'd follow you anywhere. But I think it'd be nice, Joel. If it's safe, I want more. This is what I always wanted."

"A baby?" Joel asked.

"No. A family." Lily replied.

"I realize I haven't...I'm probably not what you imagined..." Joel stammered.

"You're my husband, Joel. As far as I'm concerned, I've been Lily Miller since the first time you took me to bed. And I'll be Lily Miller for as long as I live. You guys are my family. This is all I've wanted. I knew what I was getting into with you, but you're a good man, Joel. And you gave me the most beautiful little boy. I hate how scary this world is now, but I have you. And I have him. And we have Ellie, too. This is all I need." Lily said.

Joel rubbed a hand over his face, leaning forward to place a kiss on Jesse's head.

"I'm gonna sleep. You get me if you need me, okay?" Joel asked.

"I promise. Get some sleep, you had a big day too." Lily replied.

Joel fell asleep quickly, making a pallet of blankets on the floor next to the bed.

Lily stayed awake for a while, staring at Jesse and watching Joel and Ellie. It had been a long road to get here, and it had been fraught with trouble.

But as Lily sat cradling her son, she allowed herself to be grateful. From the ashes of grief came something new, and for a moment, she would allow herself to feel happiness. She knew it might not last, she knew that bad things could happen.