i hate that school has destroyed my love of learning. i used to love going to school and i even loved doing challenging maths questions. learning new stuff wasn't scary or bad. it was just fun.
it doesn't matter anymore if i understand something. i just need to be able to churn out correct answers. it's not about the learning. it is just about the grade. i need to score well and that is all that matters.
all i want is for learning to stop being a chore. to stop having to worry about homework and grades and work work work every single day. i want my freedom back because i didn't ask for this.
i want to stop being tired and sad, and i want my friends to stop being tired and sad. because no matter how much we joke about it, or laugh it off, we are still going to be tired and sad.
sometimes when it gets really bad, it feels like i stop living in real life, i'm just living inside my own little world. everything is so distant, except for all the worries. who knows, if i curl up and just go to sleep, maybe all of this will be gone when i wake up? but i have to go home and i have to study and if i am simply to exhausted to study then i will worry about studying instead.
high school is honestly so ableist. in order to succeed you have to be willing to give your everything. and some people's everything is a lot less than others. dealing with autistic burnout, and the stress and overwhelm just from being at school, on top of all the work ... it's just too much. i know that i am going to break. and i know that i can't break, because it will be impossible to recover from.
and the most awful thing about it is that i know i could have handled this five years ago. but now everything is too much and i just want to be left alone. and still i am left with the pain and the confusion - everyone told me i would be so successful?? and now even cleaning my room or brushing my teeth is so incredibly hard??
