witty one-liner

Reblog this to tell prev that they're doing a good job and you're proud of them! 💕

They want our rhythm, but they damn sure don't want our blues.

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

t-shirt weather in late july. unfathomable. lets send every oil exec and billionaire into space

crazy to think that in the northern hemisphere, it's january rn. and in january, they will be snowing it up at the same time we are roasting and toasting now. and the equator gets the west of both worlds (and the east, because it's on the southern hemisphere's left. this is why t-shirts should be banned.

(with great confusion) yes. exactly. couldn't have said it better if I tried

buzz aldrin and neil armstrong liked to do a thing where they’d tell unfunny jokes at parties about being on the moon and when people were confused they’d go “guess you had to have been there”

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

I imagine rocky puts grace's amnesia problems down as a "probably normal for humans, they forget stuff all the time" thing for a while and it doesn't set in until maybe a year into the erid trip that, no, losing straight up All of your memories for several months is just about as concerning and unusual for a human as it would be for an eridian. and his immediate reaction is twofold: 1. "you. you were that brain-unhealthy for the entire time we were working together and you just. barely ever mentioned it? Why. Question." 2. [sudden recollection of every time he got short of temper and said something bitchy like "lazy human not know how own ship function" or "how grace forget location of basic controls question"] [curls up on the floor in embarrassment] "should have said something so I not spend two months making fun of brain injuryyy"

#I KNOWWWWW i remember reading the line where he insulted him for not knowing how his ship worked and being like DUDE give him a break???#it's out of pocket regardless i mean he's the science specialist not an engineer or a pilot#but just. rocky#rocky....#rocky

I don't think there's ever been a funnier piece of lore in a video game then the etymology of the word "gun" in FFXIV

masterpiece world building actually

Oh. it’s just real. It was really that silly.

Seeing this going around again for the umpteenth time I’d like to reiterate that I know about the real world gunhilder and about allagan siege weapons. To me the funny part is that in eorzea, gunblades were invented before muskets

It is incredibly telling that there isnt a massive anti-oneyplays fandom despite Smiling Friends being an equally popular show among tumblr queers and those guys actually doing everything gooseworx has been accused of and more "She joked about being the next Shadman!" wow that's crazy. Chris O'Neil housed Shadman and actively defended all the vile shit he did on twitter, including lolicon of real actual children. Why is nobody talking about this. Where is the anti oneyplays fan club. Or anti GameGrumps. Or (and this is a hot one) anti Dropout. Why is there only a hate club for the tranny. Why are the hate clubs only ever for the trannies? But of course, "DNI if you make it about her being trans, thats totally not why she became our target"

why do you headcanon that character as cis though? just doesn't seem like there's enough evidence in the show to say that. sounds like wishful thinking on your part, because you want them to be like you. I'm all for cis rights but you don't need to headcanon every character that way, it's getting ridiculous.

ohhh mygod. Get Shinigami Eyes And Block Everyone Ur Following And In Ur Followers Who Is Marked Red

Everytime this gets a note when its nowhere near christmas I question my sanity just a little bit more

No, it is July, stop that, stop giving this notes, you guys have lost reblogging privileges