Finch

“Cassie. Do you wanna put back what you just took and talk to me or do I gotta tell Dana?” Frank murmurs, voice not harsh or angry, just concerned. Caring, too. Cass’ shoulders tense. They hadn't expected to be caught. They really were just going to be quick. But of-fucking-course someone had to catch them.

Reluctantly, they put down the vial they'd been in the process of grabbing, and take one of the vials out of their pocket. Of course, Frank doesn't believe them, of course. As he lightly moves them away just enough to check the history on the Pyxis. 4 vials taken out, one being the one they'd been in the middle of taking, and one being the one they'd just handed back.

“Nope, I still need two more vials from you, kid. I want to do this on your terms but if you're not going to be honest with me, I can't.” Frank warns, his voice softening towards the end as he notices how exhausted Cass looked. Cass swallows the lump in their throat, fishing into their pockets again and handing over the last two vials with trembling hands.

“Thank you for making the smart choice. Now, I'm going to put these back, and then we're gonna find somewhere quiet to talk, okay?” Frank praises, and Cass just nods, watching him put the vials back unsused. Their heart thumped in their chest, feeling like it was skipping a beat at every soft clink of a vial being returned to it’s place. It felt like a countdown to execution. It may as well have been, Frank was gonna tell Dana, and then Dana wouldn't want to be around them anymore, big or little. Probably would report them to Al-Hashimi and the hospital board, too, for trying to steal from work. They were so fucked.

“Hey, hey. Cassie, kiddo, can you take a deep breath for me? I'm not angry with you. I just can't let you do unsafe things.” Frank murmurs, resting a hand on their shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Cass tries a few times, with shaking, unsuccessful results before they manage to get a few good deep breaths. Only then does Frank start to lead her towards the family room, mouthing to Mel to cover for him.

Cass immediately sits on the seat furthest from the door, bringing their knees up to their chest and tucking their head against their knees. Their shoulders were tense and they were picking at the skin around their nails without fully realising they were doing it. The pain was like second nature.

“Okay. I'm gonna tell you what I think I saw out there, and when I'm done you can correct me on anything I got wrong, and explain anything you want to, okay?” Frank explains, and they just shrug, wanting to get this over and done with already. It was only going to go badly. Might as well have it happen quickly. Rip off the bandaid and all that. “... I saw you taking medication from the Pyxis and putting it into your pockets. I don't think it was for a patient, both because you aren't supposed to be working right now, and due to how you reacted when I caught you. I think you were planning to take the drugs yourself, to get high. Am I right about that?”

Cass felt too exposed. They'd known Frank knew, of course. He wasn't blind nor stupid, but having it said so simply like that made them feel too seen. Nauseatingly so. God they were so stupid. Why had they tried doing it during shift? They could've waited till they and Dana were gonna go home, get to the car and then say they forgot their sweater. Go inside and take the drugs. Then come back out like nothing had happened. They're so stupid. So, so stupid.

“Fine. Yeah. I was gonna take the stupid drugs! I was gonna get high with them ‘cause God knows I wouldn't be able to get the privacy to get stuff off the street.” Cass huffs, scratching at the back of their hand. Frank reaches over to hand them one of the decorative pillows to scratch and pick at instead. “I was gonna get high. I wanted to get high. I still fucking do and it isn't gonna fucking stop.”

They brace for impact. Yelling, anger, disappointment, maybe a strike if Frank was that kind of guy. But it never comes. Instead, Frank takes a deep breath, and then speaks again,

“Okay. Thank you for being honest, Kid. You’re doing really well. Are urges a reoccurring thing when you're regressed or was this triggered by something?” Cass was confused. Really confused. Not only was Frank not yelling, but he was being praising them. And being gentle. That wasn't how this stuff works. They'd done something bad! Like! Illegal bad! Even if they hadn't technically followed through with stealing the drugs. They'd been put back.

“Why are you being so nice? Yeah, I get the urges all the fucking time. I don't— I'm messed up, okay! I know that! I'm messed up and I shouldn't be trusted around patients or the other littles or anyone!” Cass snaps, their voice breaking. It sounds so completely and utterly pathetic that they want to curl up into a ball and disappear. Well done, Cass. Can't even be nice to the one person who has seen you try to take drugs and not yelled. What was worse was that Frank still didn't even look angry, or even pitying. Just... Sad.

“Cassie, kiddo, I'm being nice because you deserve kindness. Substance Use Disorder isn't your fault, nor are the urges that come with that. I wish you'd told someone about the urges before it got bad enough to act on, but I'm not mad. Or disappointed. I'm just worried about you.” Frank murmurs, moving to kneel down in front of their chair, holding both of their hands in his own. And Cass does possibly the most embarrassing, horrible thing they could do in this moment; they start crying.

“Pl-please don't te-tell Dee. She- she's so nice a-and I don't wanna be all al-alone again! ‘ll do anything— i-i don't wa-wanna have t-to li-live all alone.” Cass sobs, breathing speeding up again from the panic. Frank is quick to pull them into a tight hug, knowing deep pressure tended to help alot of the littles he'd dealt with, and thus taking an educated guess. Cass clings tightly to him, their body shaking with each sob.

“It's okay. You’re okay... Need you to take lots of deep breaths for me, kiddo. Can you do that? Just in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dana isn't gonna leave you over this. She'd never do that, I promise. You're not going to be alone. I’d never let that happen.” Frank holds them tighter, letting them get all their tears out, just so long as they kept breathing.

Cass cries until they can't anymore, only pulling away to wipe their tear-stained face with the sleeve of their jacket. Their head hurt from a mix of the urges and all the crying, and they still felt unsteady. But crying really had helped. Even if it was really, really embarrassing.

“I... I'm sorry,” they sniffle, “for uh— for breaking down like that. And makin’ you deal with all this.” To which Frank just just shakes his head.

“Nope, none of that. No apologizing for crying or needing support. You didn't 'make' me deal with anything, kid. I chose to help because I care about you.” Frank corrects, handing them the box of tissues from the table. Cass mumbles out a thank you and blows their nose.

“So... You really have to tell Dee? Even though I didn’ take any of what I stole?” Cass asks, hesitantly, averting their gaze down to the ground. They knew logically that Dana wasn't going to be mad, but trauma messes you up, therefore their body didn't know that the same way their brain did.

“Yeah, kid. I gotta. It's for your own safety, not to punish you. You know that, right?” Cass nods, they knew Frank was only looking out for them, but it still really sucked. They didn't want to have to start going to meetings regularly again... And probably start seeing their therapist again too. Which, they're now realising they never told Dana they stopped seeing. Yikes. Cass sighs, swallowing the lump in their throat and taking a deep breath before nodding again.

“.... Okay. Um... Can I... Not be there when you tell her? I don't wanna— I don't think I can do it.” Cass asks, hesitantly, unsure of is this was gonna be like when they were actually a teenager and their dad made them sit and tell their mother everything they'd taken straight to her face. She'd always cry and Cass would feel bad and would hide the relapse better next time. They really didn't want a repeat of that.

“Yeah, I can do that. How about we go find Trinity and you sit with her while I go talk to Dana, yeah?” Frank offers, and Cass mulls over the idea in their head for a moment before nodding. Trinity wasn't too bad. Cass liked hanging out with her when they we're regressed. She treated them not like a little kid but also not like an adult.

With that, Frank leads them out of the family room, scanning the emergency department to see if he could spot Trinity. After a few minutes, and eventually asking Princess, Frank locates Trinity.

“Hey, Trin! Can you watch Cassie for a bit. I need to talk to Dana but I can't leave her alone.” Cass cringes at the unintentional misgendering. Yeah, they didn't want to tell people ‘hey, I kinda am a freak and don't like the whole gender thing. neutral stuff would be cool’, but it still sucked hearing themself be referred to in such a feminine way.

“Hm? Yeah, no worries. I can watch the kid. Go do what you need to.” Trinity hums, gaze more focused on Cass than Frank. She waits until Frank leaves to speak up. “So... What’d you do?”

Cass sighs. Of course Trinity was going to ask. Sure, Cass wasn't allowed to work on patients when regressed, but they didn't typically need a whole ass babysitter. The truth was going to come out eventually, so might as well rip off the bandaid.

“... Tried to steal some drugs. ER Ken over there caught me. And now he's telling my mommy on me.” Cass drawls sarcastically, grimacing slightly at their own shitty joke. Trinity pauses for a few seconds, nods once, and adjusts. Processing in her own way.

“Shit. Right. Okay. Well, I'm glad he caught you. But I'm certain the last thing you want to talk about is the whole situation. So how about we steal some food from the breakroom and not try to lipread what Dana and Frank are saying.” Trinity says, physically turning Cass by the shoulders away from the direction of the family room. Honestly, Cass had been planning to try lipread, but they also knew it would stress them out out, and they were pretty hungry. So shitty breakroom food it is.

“... ‘Kay. Lead the way.”

Trinity, thankfully, doesn't make it awkward. She just chats. About anything she can think of. Annoying patients, Dennis’ newest gay crisis, the fact a college student had tried flirting with Victoria and she'd frozen like a deer in headlights. That one, admittedly, did get a laugh out of Cass, despite their best efforts to keep moping.

Trinity was half way through a story about whatever Princess and Perlah’s latest conspiracy theory was (something about one of the nurses and someone on night shift), when there's a gentle knock on the breakroom door. Rhythmic and steady. Cass knows who it is without even looking up. Trinity does too.

“I'll finish the story later, yeah? Good luck, Kid.” Trinity murmurs, giving Cass’ hand a reassuring squeeze before getting up and leaning the breakroom. There’s the soft click of the door closing. And suddenly they're alone.

Cass doesn't look up. Doesn't look over. Just listens to the steady footsteps of Dana approaching, and then the scrach of the chair that was next to Cass against the floor when Dana pulls it out to sit down on. They don't look up even when Dana is close enough they can almost feel her body heat.

“Cass, baby, can you look at me please?” Their shoulders instinctively lock up. Answer her. Their mind feels fuzzy. Maybe abit smaller than before. Cmon Cass just answer. It's not fair. They don't wanna lose Dana. Their breath is catching in their throat before they can even realise. Words tumble out like a box off a shelf,

“Dee ‘m sorry. ‘m so fuckin’ sorry. Didn’.. I wasn't thinking. ‘ll be better I promise. Won' fuck up again. Please don’t leave me. I-I’ll stop bein’ small! I can do it! Won't get the urges this bad then! ‘n-nd ‘ll stop bein Cass. Will be normal. Pl-please. Please Dee!” Cass rambles, chest tight, heart pounding and with tears welling up in their eyes again.

Dana immediately opens her arms, and Cass all but throws themself into them, crying and babbling broken, tearful promises against her neck. Dana rubs slowly up and down their back, shushing them gently.

“Cass... Cass, I ain't mad at you. Not for the urges, not for tryna take stuff. I ain't mad at any of it. I'm worried about you, yes, but I’m not mad. I promise.” Dana murmurs, gentle and sweet, pulling Cass actually into her lap so she could rock them.

“B-bu’ I-I’m bad, Ma! I got u-urges. I get them lots when I'm little. I didn’ mean to. Bu-bu still bad. Not a good little. Not li-like Emma o-or th’ others!” Cass sobs, the title slipping out like second nature. Dana holds them tighter, giving them a secure, safe place to feel everything they were trying to put into words.

“No, no. You aren't bad. None of what you described is bad. Substance Use Disorder doesn't make you bad. And you certainly aren't a bad little; you’re perfect just the way you are. You know why?” Dana prompts, and Cass shakes their head, sniffling quietly. “Because you're you. Emma's perfect ‘cause she's herself. You're perfect because you're yourself. Different and unique and beautiful in your own special, personal way. Whatever that looks like for you.”

Cass doesn't speak for a few minutes after that. Dana doesn't force them. Just holds them while they cry and cling to her. It's gentle. Bursting at the seams with love. It feels so entirely foreign to Cass, to be loved in such an open, limitless way. Without condition or expectations. Just for being... Them.

“S..so you're not gonn’ leave, even though I get urges a-and I swear, and a stop going to therapy without tellin’ people and I drink energy drinks even though ‘m not supposed to when small. A-and I get rude when ‘m upset? Y’still wanna be my Ma?” Cass asks in a small, hushed voice that betrayed just how vulnerable they were in this moment. And Dana smiles at them, that loving, soft, gentle smile of hers.

“Of course I still want to be your Ma, baby. I'm not going to leave, I promise. I love you so, so much, even when you make unsmart choices. And that's what I’m here for, to help you when you make those unsmart, unsafe choices, and help you get back on your feet.” Cass believes her. Oddly, strangely, no part of their brain rushes to doubt it. Maybe because they're exhausted from their multiple breakdowns, maybe they're getting sick. (Or maybe, just maybe, Cass is learning to trust the way big them has slowly learnt to. And maybe, in doing so, they’re healing both versions of themself, too).

“... Love you too, Ma... ‘nd I'm sorry for not tellin’ you I stopped seein’ my therapist. Know that wasn’ smart ‘nd safe.” Cass mumbles, tucking their face back into it's favorite safe place — the crook of Dana's neck.

“It's okay, hon. I know you didn't mean it in a bad way. You just get in your own head sometimes. Later, we’ll sit down and call her, explain everything and book another session. And, maybe, if it helps, Ma can come with you to the first session. I know you get anxious sometimes.” It's slightly unnerving sometimes, how effortlessly Dana seems to know exactly what Cass needs, often moreso than they do.

Example of one of the stamps! This is the non/alterhuman version of the pet regression flag by @/butchreg here on tumblr! ^w^

Today had been absolutely perfect. Emma got to go to pride with her friends and family, and introduce her girlfriend to the people who matter most to her. (Yes, they already knew Joy from work, but it was different meeting her when there wasn't HR in the way to stop Emma from gluing herself to Joy’s side).

Emma had, admittedly been really nervous to tell Dana and Cass about her and Joy. Their approval meant the world to her, and she worried that they, for some reason, might not like her and Joy being together. But she hoped that maybe today had shown them how happy Joy made her.

Cass had already pulled Emma aside not long after they'd arrived home, telling her how nice it was to see her so happy, and that she thinks Joy's a lovely girl. Emma may have cried. Like. A lot. She’d been really nervous okay!! It wasn't her fault!!

But Emma had yet to hear what Dana thought. She hadn't commented on it at all today. Dana always made her thoughts known. And the fact she wasn't was kind of starting to worry Emma. But she didn't want to ruin a perfectly good day, so she decides she'll bring it up tomorrow. For now, she just heads over to the fort the little ones had made, sitting down next to Dana, who wraps an arm around her shoulder.

Joy was on the opposite side of the living room, playing with James and Victoria. James had ended up regressing like he always tended to the closer it got to bed time, and he and Vic were quick to rope Joy into their games. Joy, despite usually not being high energy at all, was keeping up well with the two littles, fully immersing herself in the game. Emma smiles at the sight, happy to see some of her favorite people getting along.

“You picked a good one, hon.” Dana murmurs from beside her, pulling Emma from her thoughts. Emma's smile widens and she laughs softly,

“Yeah, Momma, I did. She makes me happy.” Emma tucks herself against Dana's side, finally able to relax with the burden of uncertainty lifted off of her shoulders.

“Well, then, that’s all that matters to me. I love you, kiddo.”

“I love you too, Momma.”