Celes' Poetical Exploits

That’s deep

I said, looking into the hole in my heart

You aren’t fourteen,

I replied to myself- wondering if I was truly as good at this  as I hoped.

Words began to fall like rain

Black ink of fear overflowing

Muck covering my boots.

Repetition

Repetition

Overflowing

Hurricanes

Money

Heart

Head

Home

Family

Repetition

Every step overflowing,

Sticky sweet ink- my dictionary of fear

A never-ending tome of copy+paste

The click clack of the keys

as you type on a clean

sheet of newly made

bits and bytes is

a welcome respite

The day was loud-

people too much and

places too many

a world resounding

around me replete

with attacks from

friendly fire

But here- here

we meditate,

you with your

click clack keys

and me with my

mish mash of

drawing/writing/sewing/cooking

my what-to-do-today?

You, my shield,

my roots,

my home,

my love.

Even on days like this

Earthquakes rack my body-

constant tsunamis

of self-doubt surface

smashing against my

self-consciousness.

The tectonic plates

of my muscles

crash together

rumbling right through

my rhythm-

A daily disruption.

My emergency responders

are mantras and prayers

My Red Cross a Worn Book

A rescue team of crinkled papers,

plastic toys and small rituals

Repeated.

In tornado alley

when asked what

they would do,

after a storm had

ruined everything

the man on TV said

“rebuild”.

And so I do,

every day building walls

and supports,

building small safe spaces

to stay away the sensation

of dread.

A first aid kit for my mind

that makes my mess

manageable.

This is my path,

it is all I can do

I grew up pretty poor. It was jsut my mother and I alone. She has a condition that meant she always had medical bills- so good food could be hard to find. As a result i grew up with some not very fancy food as staples. 

When I first fell in love- and I mean like, actually fell in love- it was in the cold north of the united states. I for a while it was unrequited- or maybe it better to say I was put on hold. It was a bad time for both of us, so nothing was happening!. I did my best and every day when I went out and got hit by that cold I was happy because when I got home she was there…and she was warm. 

In any case, I Couldn't kiss her- that was a big issue for me, I really like kissing. But I respected her wishes. I wrote this during one of the many times that I was trying to imagine how it would be to kiss her. It was born out of frustration but at the same time the realization that I still loved the connection we shared at that time!

I was told

“He is perfect- look at him,

roasted coffee of this land,

strong and gentle”

And yet here you are,

beautiful, small,

delicate in my hands,

a daughter of winter.

I was told

“Find a man

who respects your god,

who will bow

and love as you do”

And yet here you are

daughter of Abraham.

You do not bow,

and I would not let you,

my gods are Love

and Love is us.

I was never told

“look into the mirror”

never told

“accept and love”

And yet here I am

loving you like me,

touching you like me,

mirroring each other,

bodies in perfect sync.

I was never told to love you-