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There’s something wrong with their gem, that’s the first conclusion they come to. A change. That’s what they need. Astra doesn’t fit. They go find traders, eventually going into a cave and looking for diamonds. Dumb constantly repeats the sentiment that they “would rather do something they hate than nothing at all.” They would rather sit there and mine diamonds than not be trying to reroll their gem at all. They would rather try and do something, even if it’s miserable, rather than sit there and let this fester.

They get increasingly and increasingly frustrated the more they trade, unsatisfied with every gem they get. “One more trade” they insist, to the dismay of their chat.

It’s clear, to both them and everyone watching that the core problem here isn’t just the gem. This runs deeper.

The conclusion Dumb comes to while talking to themself is that they really, truly, don’t have a sense of identity. They don’t know who they are and what they want to be.

So they reminiscence. In the past they were so sure of themself. Confident in who they were and the role they played.

During infuse season 1, when there was mindless fighting on infuse about these effects, Dumb steps into the role of the villain. Alongside Sharooh and Samm, the three of them vow to fix the server. Fix the violence by getting rid of the value of an effect. Sharooh and Samm and Dumb are confident in their goals. Sharooh and Samm are confident in their goals. And Dumb— well, Dumb was kind of just Sharooh and Samm’s teammate. And logged on and was given the items. And was there to fight because they wanted a fight. Sure, Dumb probably did believe in the cause to some degree but Apophis was not an idea piloted by Dumb. Actually—it was mainly spearheaded by Sharooh and Samm. Dumb was there because they were their teammate. Dumb takes on this role and it becomes what they fight for, but it’s not a role that they themself created initially.

During infuse season 1’s disciple arc, Dumb so desperately attempts to become the hero of the story. They wanted to be the one who did good. Who saved the world. And yet, and yet. Even though this goal feels like something Dumb wants, after all Dumb is trying to atone for Apophis, it’s not entirely their own. This thought of being a hero didn’t come up until Sharooh and Midnight forced the server into the state it was in. The state where the cracks that started forming long ago when Apophis was conceived started growing deeper and the world end became only more and more apparent.

Dumb’s call to action, to be a hero, was only started when the world called out for one too. And Dumb is an incredibly selfish hero, because let’s face it this is Dumb, but they are a hero in response to something. It is a role that was needed and Dumb decided to fill it.

During infuse season 2, Dolphin has one major goal: help Dumb. She tries her damn best, and succeeds, in helping Dumb become the most powerful player on the server. The first person to hold all 12 augments, the first person to play with the new updated and much more powerful ender. They win a 1v4 with it. They break their cycles of losses—well, sort of, but that’s a conversation for a different day—and stand with all the power the server can offer.

But—Dumb didn’t come up with this goal. Dolphin went up to them about it. Offered to help. She wanted to break her friend’s cycle of losing. But again, this role of the underdog, trying to climb to the top, is not a role Dumb creates for themself. It’s something Dolphin proposes for them.

During mace smp season 1, Dumb spends the early days doing nothing. Eventually they end up working for Dolphin, blindly following her orders, doing what she says, playing the soldier she wants and needs. And then they do the same for Stormz the moment Dolphin discards them. Dumb during all of alien is content literally playing the role that Stormz and Dolphin needed from them. Mace wielder, pvper, right hand man, advice giver. Yes, Dumb knew that they wanted to help Dolphin and Stormz but that role that fulfilled was not something they crafted themself.

And then, black hole. Do I even need to explain? Dumb proclaims it at the end of their video. Stormz and Dolphin are trying to play supervillain. To end the world and to kill everyone and what not. And Dumb is playing along. Dumb is playing hero again, in some strange twisted way. A hero who is doing this for revenge. For a reason that is not pure. However, Dumb is still trying to kill supervillains. And both Dumb’s resolve to do so and this sort-of hero role are both things that Dolphin and Stormz create for them.

So what’s the point? Why do we care again? Dumb explained all of this on stream in their recap. Well—when Dumb speaks on all these past moments when they’re certain of what they wanted, there is a detail that Dumb misses. All of these roles, these identities, are things that other people have given them. At heart, I think Dumb is a follower. I mean, you read everything I said above.

So now, on bliss, Dumb is in a position where there is no role. In fact, most people around them are actively trying to not push anything onto Dumb. Both Hazel and Stormz let Dumb go when they ask if they want to be a hero. And so, for the first time in their life, Dumb has to figure out who they are. And it’s here, where the crisis starts.

When Dumb is finally, finally, left to be “themself” they kind of realize they don’t know what that is.

None of the gems fit quite right. They can’t figure out what they want. Even Stormz doesn’t help, all Stormz says is “i want you to be happy” and “i want you to help me.” That’s not a role. That’s not a identity or a moral standpoint that Dumb can follow or a goal or a—

There’s this whole thing, I’m sure other people have experienced it before but maybe it’s just me, where when you spend a pretty long time of your life being raised on specific way and doing the things you were told and filling out the role you are born with, then you sort of don’t really question things. At least, that’s what it was for me. I went through most of my life knowing i was the “artsy, smart, responsible, older sister.” And I stuck by this. I was artsy and smart and responsible and I was an older sister. I let my mom pick out dresses for me and I faked crushes on guys at recess, and I called myself a girl to everyone I saw.

It’s a role that I spent an incredibly long time not questioning. And then, and then, at one point my parents stopped. Stopped caring as much, at least. And I spent more time away from home with friends who did not have these same expectations as my parents. I was not “Grace, the eldest daughter” I was “Grace, whoever they wanted to be.”

And honestly, it was kind of scary. I imitated my friends. Whatever they were interested in, I was. We liked the same foods and colors and fashion style. It was easier. And still, nothing felt right. You know? It went beyond just the surface level likes and dislikes, but right down to my core. I didn’t feel like the options I had, which to my younger self was guy or girl, were correct. I’m not a girl but I’m not a guy and—

And spoiler alert, I’m nonbinary. Woah. Shocked. But still, this concept of spending so long not thinking twice until you are put in a position where you’re forced to confront the fact that the person you’ve been for a while doesn’t feel like you is something that resonates with me. And I think it’s why when Dumb pieces it together and draws the prophet symbol in the snow and—

Dumb is proposed a question during their time on bliss. A question that they have never been given the luxury to answer before.

Every server before this Dumb has been there from the start and has been there with history. Every server before this has asked Dumb to play a role, whether it is the world itself or the people within it.

But on Bliss, a server so established, a server so full of history, Dumb is almost an outsider. And so, instead of being told: “be the hero,” Dumb is asked “what do you want to be?”

And it is now where Dumb has the slow realization that they don’t know. They’ve never thought about it and the more they think about it now the less and less sure of anything. And i think part of it stems from the fact that, sure, dumb was sure in their actions and morals during their past servers, but those roles they played? They hated them. They hated the hero and the villain and the underdog and the solider and most of all each time it all ended badly.

And the gems still don’t fit. The binary of options in front of them don’t fit. Strength, Puff, Life, Astra, Speed, Wealth, Flux, Fire. None of it works. The same way not one role in specific fits them not one gem fits them.

And so, Dumb comes to the conclusion that they are no one. How can you exist as someone if nothing works. And yet— Dumb decides that if they are no one, not one specific gem, then they can be all of them. Everyone. Every gem when they want when they feel like it.

Dumb looks at the binary of gems they are supposed to pick from and says, “fuck it, i don’t want to pick. let me be all of them. let me be something else.”

They are slowly learning about who they are. Slowly learning their likes, their dislikes, and more importantly: their goals and morals and beliefs when it isn’t something the world demands. When they’re not given a role by the people around them to follow. And the first step is this gem switching. If nothing fits concretely, then let it not. let it change and fluctuate.

and, if you haven’t gotten it already, if you view the gems as the gender binary, the concept that you are either a girl or a boy, then dumb going against this is them saying “no, i’m not neither. i’m going to present how i want and be who i want when i want.” #nonbinary

—

notes hello

1) i don’t include infuse 2.5 or mace s2 in my recap of dumb’s journey mainly because dumb doesn’t really like talk about those on the stream. I have a similar thing to say for both of those seasons, mace s2 is pretty blatant in your face about it and infuse season 2.5 had dumb basically only for stormz’s (and q4’s) sakes. dumb said their infuse journey ended with infuse s2 so that’s why i stopped it there tho.

2) i gave up on citations half way through. source: trust me bro (im lying. the stuff im saying and referencing is in streams. give me time and i’ll add hyperlinks with timestamps if i remember. if i dont, send me an ask and ill answer it. maybe. i’m forgetful.)

3) i personally have a fucked up relationship with gender. like most people, i’d imagine. for a while my “role” in my household and what i imagine id do in the world was intrinsically linked to the fact that I was born a girl, and the eldest daughter of my family. I have since very obviously deconstructed those beliefs and have a different understanding of who I am now. Dumb’s identity crisis and resolution resonated with me and the experience i went through for a majority of my life. I wanted to write about it.

4) There are, I believe, other factors as to why Dumb is a follower so often (anxiety about losing people leading to inability to speak for themself and what they want is a major one) but I mainly focused on the lens of the sort of conditioning side of it, i guess. not that there has been an all encompassing evil force in dumb’s life but more in the sense that they have been in this situation for a very very long time.

5) stormz is also a person that plays a factor into dumb’s decision to make the vow however the vow ultimately is something dumb makes for themself more than anyone else. their resolve this time around is to help stormz, and i do still think part of this is falling back into the same habits as before. but this time the whole helping stormz bit is something that definitely wasn’t as forced, thinking back to the conversation in february and other similar conversations.

6) shout out to how miserable dumb sounded the entire stream. keep it up. keep it up.

7) yes, this is why mirrors are becoming a very present symbol within the art i draw of binding vow dumb. if you’re curious ill prolly post about my art thoughts more on throughly, i think there’s also my actual design notes there too. my headcanons #myheadcanons