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Chapter 5: The day after

I decided to let you sleep in this morning. I hear you start to stir at around 10 AM, that’s when I finish up our breakfast. I made us chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, and buttered toast. I hope you like it all, you really need food inside your stomach. I brought you a glass of orange juice too, you must be thirsty, when i went to check on you in the middle of the night i still heard crying through the door, I wanted to come in and give you a glass of water but I didn’t feel like startling you again. I grab the tray and place the two plates I made for us on it, the glasses of orange juice too. I walk to your door and knock a few times, you are fully awake by now, I can hear you pacing. I knock again twice, sharp, before I crack the door open and poke my head though.

”Good morning, I made you breakfast, I hope you like orange juice” I give you a light smile as I step all the way into the room and set the tray down on the table in the middle of your room. “Are you hungry?, I mean, I know you must be, but, do you feel up to eating? I really don’t want you getting sick. I want you to have energy for the day” You stare at the plates, I can hear your stomach, you need this food. I grab one plate and walk it over to you, you are still in bed, sitting up grabbing the blankets and wrapping them around your chest. I place your plate on the concrete floor in front of the mattress and take a couple steps back.

“You know when it’s Monday and school comes back, they’ll notice I’m gone. And my parents probably already have, you fucking psychopath” Your words are so small but full of venom, your insult comes out weak and wobbly, but it still lands. It still made me sick to my stomach. You pick at your plate, not taking a bite of the food I worked so hard to cook for you.

“You know I’m not stupid right” I spit back defensively. “I took care of that already. I had your phone, I know your schedule, I know what you like to do. I think I would know how to make it seem like you didn’t want to be found” I’m probably telling you too much information about my plan, but I can’t stop defending myself from your ideas of me getting caught, like I’m sloppy, like I didn’t plan this all perfectly just so I can have you all to myself. “You’re eighteen, and it’s not that big of a secret that you wanted away from this town, you talked about it every chance you got, I bet a couple of your friends will even be happy for you, finally living your dream of leaving this place, all of them, behind. You finally did it, congrats” I give you a half smile.

I stand up now, still watching you hard, you still dig into and play with the food in front of you. “Just eat, don’t think about that world anymore, it doesn’t concern you now” And this time you listen, you actually pick up the fork, take some eggs and shovel them into your mouth, after a second, you drink some juice and take a bite of some pancakes. My heart swells and my stomach twists, I can’t stay upset with you for long. I sit down at the table and stare at you as you sit on the corner of the bed still nibbling at your food. I pick up my fork and start to eat too, this scene makes me smile, us both eating the breakfast that I cooked, this beautiful domestic scene unfolding, I want to run up to you and carry you to the table, hold your hand as we eat together, maybe feed you off of my fork, but I don’t think you are ready for that yet, sadly.

After breakfast I take both of our plates to the kitchen to clean them off, locking the door behind me. As I scrub the plates with scalding hot water my hands go numb, I can’t stop thinking about what you said, “Fukcing psychopath” I say it under my breath, testing the insult on my tongue, seeing what it’s like to hear it out loud one more time. It makes me feel sick all over again, I know you don’t understand it yet, you’ll learn soon enough that I am the source of anything you want, anything you need.

Once you start to behave I can reward you, with pieces from your old life, and then you’ll see, I am what gives you happiness, calmness, you just need to behave. The moment I see an ounce of that, I’ll reward you, and the more you behave, the more I’ll cave, it’s so dangerous. I hope you don’t pick up on how quickly I’d fall to your will, that could be bad, it could ruin the whole plan I have laid out, you can’t know how weak I am to you, not until you’ve bent exactly how much I need you to. We need to be weak for each other, that’s love.

After I clean up the kitchen, I head back downstairs to see you again. I’m hopeful that you’ll be much more calm on a full stomach. I knocked a couple times before coming in, I didn’t wait for you to welcome me in, but I wanted you to know that I’m coming, you need that illusion of privacy.

When I enter the room you are still curled up on the mattress that lies on the floor in the corner of the room. Soon, when you start to settle into this life, I’ll get you a mattress frame, all new beautiful soft blankets, I’ll even let you help me pick them out. Once you realize your true place, the one that will actually keep you safe, I’ll get you anything and everything you ask for.

“I know this might seem like a lot, too much maybe, but I promise you, you’ll be able to see how beautiful this life will be, our life together. You’ll finally be seen, and not just looked at, actually seen.”

I step towards you, not much, just a bit closer.

“Not just empty eyes with lustful thoughts like in those hallways, I can’t wait to show you how well I really know you, you’ll be good for me right, so I can give you the rewards you deserve, the comfort.”

I’ve always heard that when you put a frog in boiling water it jumps out, but if you heat the water slowly enough, it will never even realize it’s being boiled. That’s how I have to take over, slow ,calculated, measured. I already freaked you out enough by bringing you here; the next steps have to be perfect , making you think you have the reins.That’s why I brought gifts today: a notebook, pens in every color, and a few pencils too. I’ve watched you write in classes for so long now. I wish I was able to find your old notebook, the leather bound black one that you scribbled in all day for years. I’m sure it’s been replaced a couple times now. God, what I wouldn’t give to be able to read your thoughts that deep. I will soon though, you’ll write again and you’ll let me read it too.

I hold the notebook and pencil case out to you.“Here, I know it’s not like your old one but…”

You don’t take the notebook or pens, I just set them at your feet, your knees are still held to your chest tight. You’re looking at me this time, really looking. That’s progress.

“I just wanted you to be able to get your thoughts out again, it’s important. Especially if you don’t feel up to talking to me without being purely hostile”

You look down at the notebook, it’s close to your old one. Not the exact same but close enough to where you could tell I tried.

“I don’t want it” I follow your eyes as they dart to the notebook, then the wall. I can tell you are lying of course you are, you’d do anything for this small bit of potential freedom. Maybe I’ll let you keep it to yourself. I will, that’s what you’ll think and that’s really all that matters. You have this small escape, you get to feel more comfortable. And then I’ll get to read your beautiful mind uncensored, I have cameras obviously, and you are a heavy sleeper, I’ll be able to take it from you when I check on you as you sleep.

“You do want it, I know you do. Please take it. No limits really. I want you comfortable, happy, writing like you used to-” That makes you wince, maybe you’re just not realizing how much I watched you. “Try it, just for tonight, I promise it will make you feel better”

“If you want me comfortable, let me the fuck out of here” I hate how rude you are being, I just gave you a gift, I bought all that myself, bought, I didn’t even steal it this time, you are worth it to me.

I stand up and walk to the door, before I get too upset and do something I would regret. I am not my father and you will not push me to behave like him. Even when you are begging for it. “Just write, be thankful for what I’m giving you, I’m giving you an opportunity here, privacy-” I lie. “-and a way to get your thoughts down, all of them, not just telling me what you think I want to hear or using that beautiful mouth if yours to curse me. But what you are actually thinking”. All you do is nod. I’m smart enough to know that’s is a win for me, at least for now.

I don’t return much all day after that, other than to drop off lunch and dinner, and to ask if you needed anything. You didn’t talk much, didn’t ask for one thing, but you weren’t yelling harsh words at me either, and that’s progress. I decided leaving you alone with the notebook was the best way to make you write, I need to keep building that illusion of privacy or I won’t be able to get inside of your perfect mind like I need to.

I watched you that evening, from the cameras. You actually did start to write, I can’t stop watching. You look so different like this. Calm, focused, beautiful. I’m so happy you love my gift, I haven’t seen you act like this since before you came here, with me. And now I get to be the one to bring that smile back. It might not look like much, you might not even understand it, but this, this shows you are willing to be happy here. You’ll be happy with me, I can’t wait to watch you smile under me, I’ll make you feel amazing. I won’t just make you smile from material items anymore, my hugs, my kiss, my fingers, my body. They will be in charge of your pleasure soon enough. I can’t wait to see you cry under me, begging for my touch and praise, and I’ll give it to you every time.

Later, when I go back in to say goodnight, I don’t bring up the notebook. I pretend not to notice the way your eyes dart toward it like you’re afraid I’ll take it back. But I’m not going to, not yet. You need to believe it’s yours, just like you’ll to eventually believe you’re mine.

I bring you a glass of water and a blanket, a soft one, pale blue. It’s not much, but I know you used to sleep with something just like it. I saw it in one of your old Instagram posts. The way you smiled wrapped in it. I spent hours scrolling back until I found it. I searched stores until I found one just like it. I even slept with it a few nights so it would smell like me, like comfort. Like home. You don’t say thank you. That’s okay. You will.

I sit near the mattress but not too close. I know you’re still scared. You keep your body curled up like you’re trying to disappear into yourself, but I can tell you’re not as tense as before. You’re breathing slower. That’s progress too.

“I’ll leave the light dim tonight,” I say softly, I start to tuck you in “Just enough to see if you need to get up. I remember how you used to sleep with a light on I don’t want you waking up scared. I’m not here to scare you. I’m here to love you.” Your eyes dart away at the word love, I wonder if you’ve been hurt in the past, that must be why.

You don’t look at me, but your shoulders relax. Just a little. You’re listening.

“Goodnight” I whisper. I close the door behind me and press my forehead to it. I almost don’t lock it. Almost.

But you’re not ready for that yet.

Tomorrow will be the day that we actually make progress. Maybe tonight I’ll get a chance to read some of that notebook, if you sleep deep enough, I pray that you do. I’m not sleeping tonight, I’ll be watching the cameras, I need you to sleep comfortably, not just so I can read our notebook, I’m not selfish. I want you to feel rested, feel like yourself again. That’s what I really want.

Chapter 6: All settled in

I was up all night, I didn’t sleep. I waited for you to drift off, it took you awhile, you tossed and turned for a couple of hours, but then it happened. I watched the rise and fall of your chest fall into a more even pattern, you stopped sifting around as much, and your mouth slipped open, just slightly, that’s how I knew you weren’t faking it. When I watched you sleep before all of this, during your old life, your mouth always peaked open, that’s when I knew I could get close to the window. Now that I have you here though, now I can do so much more. So, that’s when I knew it’s the perfect time for me to grab the journal.

I made sure I was extra quiet, you are a very heavy sleeper but still, I wanted to disturb you as little as possible. Edging down the stairs slowly to the basement door, the stairs still manage to squeak under my weight. I unlock and open the door, that stays quiet for me, but I bump my head on the ceiling on the way in. My eyes dart to your body lying on the mattress, you stir, I pause, you’re still asleep. I make my way over to the bedside table, I can see the journal, you already took the time to write your name on the cover. The ink is barely visible against the black leather, but I can see it, I’d be able to make your name out anywhere. I pick up the notebook and brush my fingers over the indentation the pen left when you wrote your name, I can feel each letter under my finger. You must have been pushing down hard with the pen, nerves maybe. I’m getting distracted, I grab the notebook and slink my way out of the basement, locking the door behind me again. When I get upstairs I finally open it.

Your handwriting is frantic and messy, but still so you, I’d be able to identify this as my angel’s handwriting even behind the fast scribbles. Some doodles are in here too, angry ones, the lines are harsh and the drawings are of broken, sharp things. Each and everyone of them, a part of you, one you think is hidden away, just yours, that makes this mean so much more. I hold the journal to my chest, it feels almost warm, all of your words and pictures behind it. I flip the book open again and start to read.

Written right across the top of the page:

“Night two down here”

I wonder if the next gift I should give you is a calendar, I’d never thought of that before but you might enjoy it. That might be something else you’d be afraid of me taking away. I could hold this over your head, not that that’s all I’m thinking about but still, you’d like it and it’d be useful to me. I want you to have those little things that make you more comfortable. I push that thought away, bookmark the idea to think of what calendars you’d like, and read on.

”I’ve been trying to keep track of days, that seems like one way to stay sane down here, I recognize his face. not just from him asking me to prom, but before all that, I saw him in the halls, I wish I had paid more attention, wish I saw the way he looked at me. thinking back it was so clear, I hope my friends paid enough attention for it to be obvious to them”

They definitely didn’t. your friends were somehow more clueless than you. I’ve been paying attention to that though, making sure no one knows, and I was exactly right. They were happy for you, worried yes, of course, but they thought this was your plan, you’ve talked about leaving this town endlessly, running away, being on your own, away from this town. To them, you are finally living the dream, how beautiful, I’m happy for you. Because your life did get better, here with me.

I read on, you only wrote a couple more things, small notes, things you noticed around the basement. “The window is missing one screw” Yeah and it’s still glued shut and then painted over, you thinking I’d miss details like this really pisses me off, but I cool myself down and think of how different you’ll be, how soft, when you realize I did this all for you. Back to the journal. “I hope that if i don’t make it out of here, my family and friends can find this” This insinuation that I’d hurt you is starting to make me a little angry too, what do you think of me? If I really wanted to hurt you, you’d be hurt by now anyway, it’s very obvious I could have. The rest of the journal is filled with little doodles, trees, flowers, vines ,all different animals, I mean, the sketches aren’t that good but I can tell what you were going with each one. It’s all nature, you must miss the outside, you are so cute, maybe I’ll get you some posters. I know, I know, it doesn’t really compare to the real thing, but that’s okay for now, and soon enough, when you get closer to me, more open, we can go outside together. I bought us a beautiful picnic basket, it came with wine glasses and utensils, and a blanket big enough for us to lay out and have space, though I’ll stay stuck to your side the whole time when this happens. We’ll go outside a lot soon, you just need to adjust first. I hope you can be patient for me until then.

I set the journal back down, same exact spot you left it in, you need this little illusion of privacy, I think it will help you warm up quicker. I step out of the room, I don’t really have to put much effort into sneaking out, you haven’t moved once yet, I doubt you will wake up now and if you do, I’m on my way out, it doesn’t really matter much anyway. I lock the door behind me and walk back up the stairs. I head into my room, there are pictures of you all over, tasteful though, not too much, not like my parents would have cared if it was, but we also don’t have to worry about them interfering anymore, but I know they are proud, and I know they’d love you. I keep the pictures of you soft and tasteful for on reason, you. When I finally move you up here and we live our happy life upstairs, the one where I come home from work and you are sitting on the couch just waiting to jump on me and tell me how much you love me. When we are living that way you’ll see my room, and I have no intent on scaring you when I’ve already made it to that point, but that’s in the future.

If it was up to me I’d have the whole walls plastered with pictures, all of the shelves full of everything I’ve ever taken from you. I can’t do that, sadly, so what I do have is my box. Filled with little things you’ve left behind before, things I’ve taken before out of your locker, it’s really easy to tell anyone with keys I can’t get my locker open and there it is. Your locker, your makeup bag, hair bands, an old gym shirt. That’s where I saw the notebook for the first time, I wish I just took it. All I took from your locker was a couple hair ties, an eyeliner, and a shirt that was stuffed in the back, under some papers. I was sure you wouldn’t miss it, and you didn’t. Now I have it here, doesn’t smell like you anymore but that’s fine. Other than that in the box it’s just some extra pictures, ones of you in bed, with friends (they are scribbled out of course) and some old ripped out papers you tried to throw away, it’s not garbage, nothing you touch is garbage. Looking through all of these things makes me feel so good, so close to you, but now that I really have you here, in my basement, I would burn this box if it meant keeping you warm, nothing else matters anymore besides you. I check my cameras one more time before going to bed, you’re still sleeping, so peacefully, God I love watching you when you are soft, guard down, it’s the most beautiful sight, the image itself lulls me to sleep, and I dream of our beautiful domestic bliss in the future.

It’s 7:00 am when I wake up the next morning, I hate mornings, but I need to wake up early so I can get things done for you. I drag my feet the whole way to the bathroom, splash some water on my face and turn on the shower, I decide to make it cold, I really need to wake up. After I wash my hair and my body, I shave the stubble off my cheeks and neck, only nicking myself a couple times. I stand there in the cold water for a while, just staring at the wall, and when you finally move up here, and we start to live our lives, we can shower together, but I’ll keep those showers warm for you. You’d let me wash you, clean you all over, helping you wash your hair, and I’d let you wash me and we’d laugh when you aren’t able to reach the top of my head, I can’t wait to have you constantly in my arms, I know I’m clingy, but you are just so perfect, the most beautiful thing I’ve laid eyes on, and once you see how much I love you, I’ll never let that go, but I think you’ll love the clinginess.

Getting out of the shower and toweling off I grab my phone to check the time, you look beautiful as my lock screen, it’s 8:00, I was in there too long, I really need to get going, you are going to get a few surprises today, I just want to see a smile on your face again. I step into my room and throw on whatever it really doesn’t matter what I look like to anyone else. After I double check the basement doors are locked and watch you sleeping on the cameras for a bit I grab my keys and head out, every song on the radio reminds me of you. First, I head to the department store. God I hate these places, the bright lights, the pop music blaring through the speakers, but for you, I make sacrifices. I’m getting you a new blanket, soft and fluffy, some new sweatshirts and fuzzy socks too, the basement can get cold at night. I also decided you deserve a treat, I pick up a couple things I know you like, some candy, a few snacks, I got you drinks too, and I grab a dark green basket to put it all in. After I loaded my cart I went to look at the calendars. I scan over them, looking for one that’s nature related, something with animals maybe. I see a really pretty one, it’s fish, beautiful ones, in an aquarium, they remind me of you. I throw it into the cart and head to the register. The self checkout is closed and I want to scream, I don’t want to deal with anyone today, just you. I get in line anyway, these things are important and there’s no time to go anywhere else, it’s already 9:30 and I want you up no later than 11:00 but I’d prefer sooner. When I finally make it to the register the cashier starts to scan the snacks, then the blanket. When I go to pay, so close to getting out of there without uttering a word, the cashier speaks.

”Is it your girlfriend’s birthday? These are cute” She holds up the socks and sweatshirt and smiles. The word girlfriend makes me feel warm inside, I can’t wait to show you all these lovely gifts. I shake my head at her. “No, I just figured she deserves something special, she hasn’t been feeling like herself” I decided not to correct her on the girlfriend part, it made me happy and you will be someday soon, I just have to wait until you are ready. She smiles at me again, I wonder if you’d be jealous, I’d burn this place down if you wanted. “Well aren’t you the sweetest, I know she’ll love it, girls love surprises like this” She finishes putting my things into bags and hands them to me. I hope she is right, I really want you to like this, I need you to. I walk to my car, placing the bags on the passenger seat and starting the car not even bothering to turn on the radio this time, I just want to rush home to you. I imagine the future again, rushing home from work to you, but instead of going to the basement and waking you up like I am today, I’ll get home and you’ll be on the couch waiting for me, open arms, and I’ll crawl into them, and you’ll hold me so soft so sweet, and you’ll smell like home.

Pulling into the garage I start to get giddy, I’m so excited to show you everything, to see that look on your face, I wish I had gotten a camera, I have my phone yeah, but digital pictures have such a nicer feel to them. I walk into the house and set the bags down, pulling the tags off of everything and setting it all up in the basket I got, I want to watch you as you look through it seeing all the things I got you how happy can make you.

I walk down into the basement; basket in arms, I’ll wake you up soft and slow, I wish I could wake you up with kisses, I just don’t think you are ready for that yet, but God do you look beautiful this morning. It’s 10:37 am when I walk into the room, 10:47 am when I decide to wake you up.

“Good morning beautiful, I brought you something special today” You stir awake for a second and then spring up, you clutch the blankets and hug your knees to your chest, it’s adorable. I hand the basket over to you before you can say anything else. “I hope you like it, I figured you might miss nature , the free outside, so I got you a calder like that, and now you can track your days. I guessed on the size of the sweatshirt and socks, but I know I’m right. I hope you don’t mind that they’re a little oversized” You look up at me dazed, maybe you are impressed by my choices, I did make sure to pick out things I know you’d love. You dig through the basket delicately, first you pull out the sweatshirts and blanket, setting it down next to you on the bed, then the socks. When you get to the food and drinks you look up at me again “All this is for me? To keep down here, eat when I want?” I nod at you and look back down at the basket. you pull out the calendar now, hands brushing over it. “A fish calendar?” You look confused. “Well I know you love the outdoors, and animals, the fish are beautiful like you, and plus I figured it might help if you were able to keep track of days down here, you know?” You look up at me again, I’m waiting for you to thank me, jump in my arms and kiss me (though I know that part is unrealistic for now) but you don’t.

“Did you seriously think getting me a calendar, one that’s covered in beautiful animals stuck in a cage, would make me feel better? Really? Are you that fucking delusional?” I wince and step back at your words, did you actually say that? God I wish this was just a nightmare, I tried so hard, got you things you were supposed to like. The fish are beautiful, their tank is too, they love being in there, they are happy like that. I don’t understand why you are so upset, why you can’t just be grateful. I swallow my anger. “I’m trying here, hard, do you see that at all, or are you really going to let your fucking emotions overshadow that” My fists ball in my hands so tight I’m sure my nails will make my palms bleed. “I know you like nature, you missed it. They aren’t stuck in a cage, they are being taken care of, they can’t take care of themselves. Don’t twist it to be something it isn’t, something gross. If you are going to be negative I’ll take it away and you’ll have no way of knowing how many days go by, and I won’t tell you, won’t give you any hints.”

That gets you. “No, wait” You hold the calendars to your chest. “I’m- I’m sorry please don’t take the calendar, I like it, really” I take a step closer and smile. “And what do we say when we get a gift” You stare back at me, it takes you a second to think. “Thank you” Your voice is shakey.”You are so welcome beautiful, but please, no more harsh language. Next time you do that the calendar is gone. You’d have to earn it back after that. Is that clear” You nod. “So I’ll leave you for a bit, you can check out all your new things, have some snacks, and calm down” I step back towards the door but I stay facing you. “I’ll be back at 12:00 for lunch, I’ll cook you something special” I look at the wall and realize I didn’t put a clock down here. That will be your next gift. “And I’ll get you a clock too, if you behave at lunch, no more dirty mouth, okay?” You nod your head “Yeah, okay”