🎧𝚙𝚕𝚞𝚖🌆

Hi everyone :3 I’m Plum, am 19 years old, and am a studying artist and rookie writer. I’m particularly a fan of dark romance/psychosexual work, and recently decided to begin documenting the creation of my first story, which I would like to create into an otome game. This page will primarily be used to share my thoughts, personal life, and art development. This page will also feature personal entries about my life, kinda like an open diary in a way.

The pitch of my story is that we’ll follow a trans masc character who holds the ability to read the thoughts of others, but only when making physical contact. He perceives the ability at first as a gift, but as his life begins to fall apart from the compulsive need to know the truth, he second guesses himself. The story will involve multiple love interests, which is why I’m thinking of making it an otome game. If that is something that you find interesting or would like to know more about, don’t feel shy to join along for the ride.

I will try to update this page everyday, but I do have ADHD, and I’m sure I’ll forget here and there. That being said, I have a lot to share, and I’m very happy to finally have a place to share it.

So I think after everything that’s happened since the beginning of May til now has been a big push for me to see change within myself. It’s recently been my birthday as well, and I’m now 20 years old.

I don’t want to be too vague, but it’s also just a lot, but I want to keep it short.

I’m sick of trying to conform into a group or make myself fit in, in hopes for a connection, or proving something to others. I can just do whatever I want. I’m an adult, and I’m only gonna have one life, and I don’t want to change myself and feel scared in expressing myself. Music and Art are my vessel of my life, my bloodline in a way, and are the only way I can make the world around me make sense.

I feel like when I try to rebrand or explain myself, I end up alienating myself more, constantly trying to preform. I recently realized I don’t need to do that, and more importantly, I don’t want to.

I’m exactly who I am. I’m emotional and strange and I have strange ideas and I dont need to hide who I am just because I’m scared. I feel like for a while, or more like, all my life, I’ve masked very fucking heavily out of fear that the true me, the person who I am inside, will be rejected or made fun of.

After a lot of self reflection, and experiences, I finally feel like I’m reaching a point where things are making sense for me.

I don’t care for preforming anymore. I want to be exactly who I am and stop constantly running and stopping myself from doing things like I’m running out if time.

This post lowkey don’t make sense but yea. My life has felt brighter lately. And I finally feel like I’m letting that light into my soul. I’m constantly melancholic, everyday, but I like to think that I can use that feeling to serve a purpose, somehow. I think a part of me likes to feel like that way. In a way, it makes me feel like I’m tapping something deeper into myself and I’m unloading all of the hatred I have inside of me.

I’m chronically lonely and frustrated with myself. Even when I was with my ex, I felt that way. I always felt like I lacked a connection with others, or that it was hard for me to feel that connection in the first place, but I also think that feeling comes from this emptiness that lives inside of me. I never felt like I fit in a space, that I belonged cleanly in a box, and every time I tried to put myself in a space, give myself some sort of meaning, I would come out the other end feeling shallow and bored, back to square one. Again, that feeling of lacking a true connection to things or others. I would always end up bored, dropping labels, and then moving on to something else that captures my interest of that given moment. I just wanted to feel like I put myself in a space where I belonged.

I feel like money controls all aspects of my life, but I don’t want to feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped, I wanna just be a part of a community or belong somewhere, anywhere where I feel like I’m connected with others and I truly find meaning in my life.

All that makes life so important to me is spending it with the people I love and being able to see and experience things. I just hate how to do and see beautiful things, it all comes with a price ticket already attached, and it just makes me sad.

I’m bout to be twenty and I’m a very torn person. I feel like there’s not just “me”, but rather a string of things that all connect to create the image of a person. I barely feel like an adult, but how can I when the world makes it difficult as it is.

May has been hands down the best month of my life. Maybe that was because, for a while, I let go of all of the stress weighing on me and I just enjoyed my life without explaining myself to anyone. For once, I wasn’t bored, and life felt exciting and free.

Don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm ftm, and I've actually been on T for a while! My gender journey has really been a rollarcoster for me. I grew up really fem, but around highschool, I started to experiment a lot w/ gender and slowly shifted into more and more masc presentation as the years go on. I began to go by he/him strictly when I got to college, and was able to express myself freely. Things got even better when I started T, as my body began to change and I felt more and more comfortable in my own body.

All of this is to say that, I feel like there's still a small fem side of me that lives within me. The more I reflect, the less "man" i feel like, but I also don't feel like a woman either. I just truly feel like I'm in my own realm. Like at first, i was really obsessed with looking as masc as possible, but I recently sort of let that go. Thats why i also started to drop using "trans man" as a lable for myself and began using "trans masc", as it felt more true to me.

Now, I'm in a weird state where, for the first time in a long while, I'm thinking of picking up doing my makeup again. I truly want to be my own person, the person who I want to see look back at me in the mirror, not just the socially acceptable version of me.

song for the day