me & u

“It just amazes me. How they keep digging up ground and dirt to simply try and build some more subways, and they keep finding artifacts. Civilization.” They start out hand in hand, but she lets go half way, only because his hands are restless, all from the kind of joy that spreads his smile ear to ear. “I mean — how ridiculous? How is not everyone excited about finding the past just right beneath their own feet? Isn’t that just mind blowing? Right. Beneath our very own feet.” His hands once again, even now, travel all over the air, as if trying to write a history of their own here, right in what was once Pompeii.

She trips over the ground a few times, only because she’s trying her best to savor the moment: observing the glow of the entire universe in Joel’s eyes. Each time, she gets back on her feet upon the cobblestone he’s so excited about, and he’s more a mess than the last bit, eyes only growing, and hands even more so in motion.

“Mind blowing.” She offers him a smile, adjusting her backpack to her other shoulder. She takes a break from gazing at Joel, and instead peers out amongst the rocks around them, trying her best to see what he sees —

Trying her best to fall in love with what he loves so much.

Her eyes focus, because it’s difficult to envision something so great as a whole city when all your eyes lay upon are what look like stones upon stones. “Tell me about here. Where are we now? Who’s house am I standing in?”

“Well they don’t exactly know. Aren’t sure. But, from the location and the...” He moves a few feet away from her, only to return back and tug on her to bring her with him. “The way the floorings laid out here, you see? Besides the entrance to the rooms and not the main entrance. Clearly a person who didn’t invite too many people to their house. Didn’t bother wasting money on expensive tiled mosaic welcoming mats. Instead wanted to extravagantly decorate the hallway to their bed.”

“Hm. Sounds like Junnie a bit.” At the mention of his brother, Joel seems to pop out of the daze. His face scrunches, and she fights the urge to laugh, and combats the bigger urge to pull him for a kiss.

“I wonder if him a Mikoto are doing alright. I feel bad for leaving them in a foreign city by themselves when we invited them to begin with. Maybe we should’ve offered them an invite to our Pompeii excursion.”

She steps by his side, linking arms with him only to pull him out the half-remnants of a house, and back to the walkway. “Maybe, if our excursion didn’t require a wake up at five in the morning they might have been more excited about it, love. Neither of them are exactly morning people. Well. Junnie makes it impossible for Mikoto to be a morning person now.”

“You used to be a night owl too, remember?” She’s suddenly pulled in by the waist, and her arms naturally snake around Joel’s neck, meeting eyes with him. She observes the universe even closer now, watching the stars in his eyes that light a smile on her face. “It was so difficult for me to take you out on morning dates when you were sleeping beauty herself.”

Their noses bump, and given their location, she doesn’t mind the passerbyers watching them for even a moment. “I’m still a night owl. I just happen to love you so,” She places a peck on his left cheek, “...so,” then his right, “...so much,” and finally, his lips. “...that I get up with the sun. It’s not fun... but I do it for you.

“Because I love you.”

“You do a lot of things for love.” He says, and then he hums, only pulling her in closer. “Like coming to Italy with me, not for the pasta, pizza, or lovely Venice ferry rides, and instead, to get up before even the sunrise at five to come to a lost city with me.” Joel smiles, and she leans up to press her lips to his, smiling right back.

“Yes. Love makes you do weird things.” Her eyes close, than open, seeing herself light up in Joel’s hues.

Her universe, holding a universe, reflecting his universe.

“Because that’s love.”

junebug, next morning walks into their bedroom without warning voice: hey noona, i just wanted to make sure you were.... ok. *slams door* *refuses to comeback for a week*

mikoto, who hears from junebug what has happened, very sof angrily on the phone with joel voice: YOU DID THE FRACKLE WITH MY SISTER AFTER MAKING HER CRY!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A MEAN MAN!!!!! 

He’s not a fighter by heart — rather, the guardian that will do what it takes to protect the ones he loves and all he can see is that he failed, and somehow managed to screw everything up rather than fix it.

But as they continue to stand in the middle of their living room together, what could have been grounds for a fighting arena slowly turns into a place of solitude an area without judgement… a church. Jina who acts as his guardian angel, regardless of the fact she isn’t wearing white, takes him back to that day when they both said ‘I do’.

Only, this time her lips aren’t smiling as she cries there’s sadness, confusion, and yet love still lingers in her eyes despite the fact that Joel has hurt her pretty bad this time, and it hurts him to look at her like this — he can’t help but to wonder if he’s the only man on earth that has managed to disrupt an angel.

His mouth catches up with his mind as she finishes speaking, he repeats the last part of his vows after her.

“And I vow to love her each and every day of my life as I have since the day we met, as well in all eternity that lies ever after and ahead of us.” Joel has to look up at the ceiling for a moment to blink away a few tears that line the corner of his eyes, threatening to fall because his heart still moves when he thinks about his vows, every syllable he still believes it to be true. “I love you, Jina.”

Joel stares quietly into Jina’s eyes, thumbs still wiping away the tears that fall, “Do I have permission to kiss the bride?”

He asks, voice cracking in the process and he can’t help but to smile at how even this age, well into marriage he still manages to embarrass himself in front of the girl he likes, it somehow breaks the awkward tension. Joel knows that he’s still in trouble of course, but like many trials before and soon to come he knows that they’ll work it out.

For better or for worse till death do they part

She kisses him. 

She doesn’t see the need for any more words, and instead, meets their lips instead, his toes lifting her up an extra inch to do so properly. Her arms come around his neck and soon she lets her weight up against him: a display of dependence and a show of support. 

She kisses him the morning after too, when she’s awoken by an alarm she’s forgotten to turn off. Joel doesn’t even rustle, doesn’t fidget even slightly at the sound, and she presumes it’s been one too many nights too long since Joel’s had proper shut eye. Still, she resumes to bother him all the more anyway, just a bit, enough to stir him up. In this way, she presses tickling kisses to his jawline, then his cheeks, only to finish back at his lips again. When he grumbles something, it’s only then that she gives a laugh, and slips out of his arms first.

There’s things she needs to do, from practicing her lines for the interview to finally getting around to making that coffee table she had ordered from IKEA almost two weeks ago. But Joel rests ahead of her, and watching his face do nothing but slumber seems too occupying to do anything else, and that’s what she decides upon.

Joel takes off his shoes, his coat, and the extra sweater he was wearing underneath as he waits, letting Jina put away her things before him in order to give her as much space as she needs.

He can tell just in the way that she moves about the house that her mind is in a million places at once, and has a million questions resting on her tongue, just waiting to be released at any given moment and yet, he still has little and no to reply to offer her other than I made a mistake, I’m sorry.

It’s not long before they reach the inevitable. The the silence breaks.

“Jina, babe, don’t cry.” Joel coos, acting almost like he’s taking care of a small dove with a broken wing – carefully, and uncaring if Jina will push him away Joel cups her face in his hands, thumbs tracing the apples of her cheeks to clear tears that have fallen. “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t tell you for so many ridiculous reasons,” his fingers continue to trace the pattern of her cheeks, and he presses his forehead against hers staying silent, grasping for the right words that didn’t betray him as selfish, ignorant, and even a complete and utter idiot, but no words come so he takes the risk, and so he pulls away.

“I was jealous.” It’s as simple as that, really. “And scared, and and and – ” it’s as complicated as that too. Joel abruptly stops himself from stuttering, repeating his words as if he were in sometime type of daze he quickly shakes his head, because the truth was out in the open.

“When I first figured out, I didn’t know what his actual motive was. I didn’t know if he was growing close to my brother just because of his connection to you. And I didn’t know if he was here purely to take you back home.”

“Then I got to know him. Over that time, I realised that he’s a genuinely sweet kid that didn’t know anything regarding my or my brother’s connection to you… that’s when I became afraid.”

It’s something strange to admit that out loud.

He’s always the strong and steady one out of his family. The one with the level head, and slow to react to a given situation, never showing himself to be weak. So for him to stand here now, admitting that the inner demon he’s been fighting and yet holding onto dearly is fear itself makes him feel vulnerable, and largely uncomfortable – it’s s tempting idea to just put an end to his conversation halfway or do like his brother does when confronted, and just simply leave, but when Joel looks at Jina he loves her much too much to do either of those things to her.

“I was afraid of losing the one person in my life that makes me more than just boring, Joel.”

She can’t remember if it’s the first time she’s shown tears in front of Joel -- she can’t even remember the last thing that had made her cry, whether it was having to board on the flight from Japan to Korea for the last time, or with all smiles after Joel’s proposal locked up in her room with her back to the door. Both, of which Joel hadn’t been present for.

It’s hard to start, but even more difficult for her to stop. The tears continue to come down, enough until her sight is blurry. With her emotions all over the place, it takes her a while until she realizes Joel’s embraced her, her body pressing into the familiar, comforting warmth of his chest. At first she pushes him away, only because the tears are soaking up the material of his shirt along his chest, causing discoloration. But then she finds herself gravitating towards him, just like usual, face hidden even deeper into his chest.

She realizes that at this moment, they’re both weak. And yet, there’s some kind of different strength in how they hold each other; a kind of strong she hadn’t before been conscious of.

Another few minutes go, with her unsure of just exactly how much time has truly passed. It’s the first time that she is the one stumbling for words to say, when she’s so accustomed to always knowing what to speak, and how to speak it. Right now, she can’t find the newscaster self in her, and she once more feels like the teenager with shaky legs from having ran a couple of miles from home, without a real destination. 

There’s that fear again.

She lifts her face, knowing that it’s probably a mess, just like how she feels. Her eyes meet Joel’s and strangely, she’s never seen him like this either. The same fear lurking behind his hues, the same afraid before his trembling words.

Then, she feels Joel’s pulse up against her own, and notices of the change. 

The fear is still with her, but now she is no longer alone: his presence, a firm confirmation of that.

“I meant what I said, Joel.” She holds her voice steady again, with the newfound strength of not her own, not his own, but their own. “I take Joel Kim as my lawfully wedded husband. And in doing so, I vow to love him ferociously and relentlessly. I vow to love every bit of him: to not ask him to change, but to change with him, to change as an us, for the better, for each other. I vow to remember the old, live in the now, and expect towards the new; I vow to from now, always hold his hand in every new stepping stone God may bring upon each one of us personally, or together. I vow to love him in the rain and in the sun, on good days and on frustrating days. I vow to be his strength, while he becomes my own.”

“Mikoto.” Joels turns away from Jina. “Mikoto wait.” his voice suddenly goes quiet as his eyes land on their joined hands leaving him speechless. The two are gone in a blink of an eye.

Oh. Joel thinks entirely surprised by what he’s seen. So that’s where Mikoto’s relationship stands with his brother.

“Is this…” Joel starts speaking to empty air, unable to really pinpoint a thought and think on it long enough to form coherent sentences around it. All he knows is that he’s bothered by the fact he’s unable to read his brother and he’s missing important steps in his life. And even more bothered by the fact that Joonmyun isn’t talking to him about these things.

He can’t help but to wonder what else he’s kept from him.

Joel looks towards Jina, and it hits him that this is only a fraction of what his wife must be feeling right now, he rubs his arm sheepishly finishing out his previous attempt of saying something with: “Nevermind.”

((I really really fucked up.))

Joel fishes the keys out of his pocket, wordlessly handing them to Jina. She’ll have to walk them to their car, and probably drive them home. Joel always asks too many questions, and being as tired as he is - it’s only more likely that he’ll end up getting them lost.

She knows her silence says it all, so she doesn’t say much on the ride back. She drives them from the karaoke bar right back to their home, which she enters just as quietly as the whole drive there was. The jacket on her shoulders shrug off, as she hangs it elsewhere. She tucks in her shoes into the right shelf on the shoe rack, still not sure what to say to Joel -- not sure how to ask. 

She knows too well that Joel definitely has a reasoning behind all of this; she knows better that she should’ve caught onto the strange way he always called at weird hours of the morning, with even stranger silences on the other end of the phone as if he wanted to say more than the I miss you’s and I love you’s. She should have asked earlier what secret he’d been holding from him -- and yet she hadn’t been sure if she was ready for whatever it had been.

And she clearly had not, as seen from just half an hour ago. She still doesn’t have a grasp on the situation or even her thoughts nor feelings, all cluttered around in places she didn’t even know existed till now.

Her body turns back towards Joel, now facing each other. Her eyes find his slowly, settling on him with what is her attempt at a neutral expression, for now hiding the disappointment, frustration and confusion all behind.

“So you knew.” 

It’s not the first time in his life that Joel is feeling envious of Jonah, their cat that is probably asleep in the pile of fresh clean laundry Jina had mistakenly left uncovered. That could have been Joel right now, asleep, snuggled up under the covers with his wife combing her gentle fingers through his hair while sleepily mumbling that he needed a haircut. Instead he’s standing here shivering at every draft that came in with every opening and closing of that damn door.

But no, he had to insist that they go out tonight and only has himself to blame.

“Well…” Joel begins, taking a hand out of his pocket to rake his fingers through his own hair as he breathes a heavy sigh. “Mikoto, meet Jina, my wife who also happens to be your sister.” Joel gestures towards the both of them, and then lets his hand fall to his side heavily.

Jina gives him the look and he doesn’t hesitate to explain further, looking at Mikoto. “Look, I caught sight of your passport laying around on the counter when I visited Tom at the dorm one day. And honestly, I didn’t think much of it at first because well, i’m not from seoul myself so why bother someone who happens to be from the same country my wife is from…. and has her last name… and laughs like her, talks like her.” Joel frowns, realizing that he sounds more and more ridiculous with each word

“Ok so I had my suspicions but It wasn’t until you showed me a picture of your mother you took together after visiting her.” Joel falters in speech at this point, uncertain of whose eyes to meet so he looks toward Jina.

“And everything… just… clicked.”

Joel’s words make all the sense in the world, while at the same time, confuse him till the end of the world. Everything still seems like some strange daydream she was now only becoming aware of, one where she was being delusional in her fantastical dreamscapes again, coming up with the most ridiculous of ridiculous situations and imagined what kind of way she would deal with them. 

This, was however, a situation she could not seem to figure out how to respond to.

She stares upon the three males in front of her, who just so happen to be the three people on Earth she would walk to hell and back for, yet the picture is so strange, again, what seems like something even she would be too uncreative enough to procreate in even her afternoon naps.

“So you know Mikoto.” She murmurs ever so quietly, even though Joel had already spoken of the answer. “And MIkoto knows you.” Her eyes move back and forth between the two, then at Joonmyun, who seems just as perplexed as she was at this all.

Nothing makes sense. Literally – the only thing that makes sense is the flowers that he had asked Mikoto to bring which are now being crushed under his beat up sneakers, and the aroma is fairly strong considering the smell of alcohol and take out food. Roses, Joonmyun notes, a fancy pick for Mikoto he thinks before he raises his eyes to glance towards his brother who is watching the exchange with bated breath.

It’s the first time that Joel actually looks like he’s considering running away, which is saying a lot. His brother wasn’t the type to run from anything.

A couple of people are leaving, and push past the four of them that are cramped in the small hallway  – his coworkers are among them, one overly drunk gives Joonmyun a messy wave and he responds with a small wave of his own.

He rubs the back of his neck, still alternating looks between the yellow soft light on his brother and the flashing colors decorating his sister in-law and Mikoto in shades of purples and blues. And finally something in him snaps – he grabs Mikoto by the arm and looks up at him with a question in his eyes that demands an answer.

“Mikoto, seriously, what the hell is going on?”

Nothing makes sense for her, all the same. Why her brother was not in another country, a different place at a different time -- how he was here, of all places, the first. How Joonmyun knows her brother, the second. Why her brother seems to be comfortable with both Joonmyun and Joel, the third.

“Hi,” She pathetically voices. 

She swears that she’s practiced this a million times in all different kinds of voices and expressions, and yet she is at a loss. “Hi, Mikoto.” She begins, before she’s caught up in the embrace. It’s foreign and familiar all at the same time, warm and cold all at once. Then they’re pulled apart, none other than by Joonmyun, and she collects herself with a few breaths.

Joonmyun can’t help but to laugh at her antics. Jina accidentally knocks off the baseball cap he’s wearing in the process of ruffling his hair and when he feels that she is nearly finished, he bends to retrieve it at the exact moment she retracts her hand.

At the exact moment when her eyes change, and Joel’s posture freezes with his hands in his pockets.

At the exact moment when Mikoto’s name appears on his phone caller ID accompanied with the custom ringtone he set: Luke Skywalker’s theme begins to play in the room. And he misses all the mixed reactions as the violin plays a high and then a low soothing slow tune. Joonmyun laughs, already knowing who it is without even looking at the phone as he puts his cap back on and answers the phone.

“Oh, so you know him, noona?” Joonmyun doesn’t spare Jina a glance as he types out a message. “I’m not surprised. You’ve probably seen him in fields while reporting the weather or something. He’s usually out there, star-gazing at god forsaken hours of the night with this large nerdy telescope he has.” Joonmyun puts down his phone besides him on the table and looks toward Joel.

“He said he’ll be here in a few minutes.”

She’s nothing but breaths and blinks. 

Her eyes slow to accommodate the headache beginning to bite at her sanity, while her heart does the opposite, running towards possible explanations of the commotion laid out for her to try to understand.

The more Joonmyun speaks, the more certain she is sure, that the stranger, or rather, the familiar, they are conversing about are the same: the same tall boy with his head in the stars -- the same sunshine boy destined for something more than just this one planet.

She falls off the chair, not that she registers it to begin with. There are one too many emotions swarming into her and she feels all of them overwhelming her at once. Amongst all of these, fear is rushing through her the most -- fear of not knowing what to say, after so many years of silence and separation. The fear of being abandoned in turn, eye for an eye, part for a part. The fear of having him so close and not having known all along -- and what that made of her, as an older sister, who had been so selfish to leave behind a brother in a different land.