you embodied everything I was being asked to abandon. Recklessness, intensity, play, vitality, innocence…I was wavering. Abruptly, your beauty stole my breath. Love swallowed me whole. I was 13 again, standing at the threshold of reality, bargaining with my time to wait. Weak in the knees before the altar of Love, begging for yours to speed up. Love is a doorway. With you, I crossed it long before I understood the cost of admission. How it might heal you. How it might break me. I made space for your childish ways the same way I had made others embrace mine. I fought hard to understand your language. i think you tried to learn mine, the cost? your pride. Love is exposing. My mind protested. maybe subconsciously, being drawn to you was a last-ditch effort to preserve what I already knew I was surrendering. As if being connected to you might buy me another ten years upon the ten I had already extended. Love had warped time for me before (robert). But you didn't extend my time. you catapulted me into it. Love can be used as a weapon. Addicts spend so much time existing in ambiguity that deception becomes natural. I understood this. i was fluent, yet for the first time, it was no longer me pretending, and I believed you. #traumabond. Love began to unravel me. I thought my departure would generate clarity, my absence devotion. Convinced, I waited for the inevitable. a call. a text. a letter....drive by my house, even! show up at my front door! what returned was only silence. Deafening. days turned into weeks. weeks into the 3 months it took for your mom to touch the chasm. the knife deepened, the fantasy began to bleed out. pain can force Love to clarify. I wasn't waiting for you. I was waiting for the person I had created through you. the man you tried, and God bless you for it (but also, Fuck You), to be for me. you learned me quickly. did you want to be him too? ...there were glimmers…the encounter, in reality: stunted. limited. you were a boy posing as a man, and I was a woman struggling to become one. Love is Brazen as hell.

caballo sun, ECvM moon, bugsBunny rising

ask God to show you your hearts language. It will help you understand Him, yourself , and others. It will help you love Him, yourself, and others. Learn to surrender to Love.

does driving activate bilateral stim? Can traffic become a viable processing vehicle ; ) if not rushing?? deliberate restraint is #hot and #respectful : ), if you want to understand why, observe who! 

I accidentally Cheryl Strayed myself. Unlike my girl Cher, I wasn't shooting up, but not unlike her, I was using intensity™ to circumvent reality™  fortunately/unfortunately through a much less exciting mechanism: hustling. I did not choose said path, I inherited it. I did unconsciously create a lil loophole to survive it. “ButGod.” Sin doesn't disappear when you begin walking with God. It morphs into something much more insidious. Much more creative. “ButGod” current cocktail (cc): long hours, lack of sleep, latent emotional processing, redundant self care…Results: altered shift in consciousness (sobrietyloophole). If you a lil cutie (i am) people will be forgiving too. behavior and lack of execution has an appropriate, even celebrated, cause. The grind is most forgivable. “ButGod” Like Cheryl, one of my preferred methods of purification is movement. It too can produce an altered mental state. amplify with music and sunbathing (sobreityloophole:bilateralstimulationedition) “ButGod” 1st hour in: on some straight hater shit. immediate dissonance indicator: sole focus on the external. How they going to manicure nature? Why did I choose this path? Where are the mountains? The canyons? Why am I carefully curated beside nature and not enveloped in it? “ButGod” My Da receptors were protesting. My auricular hair cells, begging. “ButGod” Bet. Silence. Cue: latent emotional processing. Fuck. “But God” 2nd hour in: rage. delusions of spiritually bypassing reality , obliterated. Despair, overwhelm, lust, disgust re-introduced themselves. Fuck. “But God” Where the hell was I? And why did I choose the most basic ass path? One way. No escape. 2 hours in with no end in sight, forced directional observation. 6 hour loop. Oh...“ButGod” drop a stack on an uber? (caucasianlocation), ask for help? #pride tho, complete the 6 hours, ignorantly? “ButGod” Body aching, low on water, aroma nasal inhaler lost (emotionalsupport). I turned towards Him. The rage, the pain, the lust, disgust, overwhelm...Gave it to Him. I was on the wrong path. Just because yr not doing anything wrong, don't mean yr doing anything right. Thirty years to learn that, how many more to apply it? Metanoia. The emotions released through intimacy with FatherGod. (sobrietyloophole ; )) You wanna know what He said? What the path looks like doesn't matter. It's not about the distance. It's not about the speed.  It's about intentionality. It's about preparation. It's about presence. It’s about connection. Does he direct my path or do I blindly choose it? Do I absolve responsibility to the paths presence, reputation, perception?  Was I willing to trust Him enough to only walk the wrong path once? To turn back? Okay. swallowed my pride, re-directed. I hear you. I see you.  The trail was boring as hell, constricting, forcing me into one direction, BUT it was protected. There was beauty in the curation still. There was intentionality to ensure sustenance. i was safe. I love you. Placidity itself can produce a shift in consciousness. Peace. Otra vez.

river energy, "this is yr hosptial" (DO NOT TELL ME WHAT IS MINE), sunbathing like a dang lizard at lunch (facelift gunna go hard later), whoever set up the hydroponic planter at "my hosptial," marry me? (fr, tho, who r u??), almost running over a cutie dR. in the parking lot but being absolved by my own cuteness ; ) #thanksGod,

being hugged by the wind, kumi's clinginess, spanish worship music, biblical dictionary, flowers, trees, a beautiful woman smiling back, silence in the morning, teagans birthday, gifted flowers, feasting on a hospital turkey sandwichvanilla puddingcranberry juice, sincere bumper stickers: “I hope something good happens to you today : )” thank you <3, surrendering to Love,

@ caballero™, email me

for he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.