I miss the laid back person I used to be. I miss trusting people. I miss being free of the anxiety and over thinking. Take me back 10 years. I would do so many things differently. Please?

I guess I don't post on here so much now because I am so busy. Still renovating my house and I'm still with Tom. I don't know how he puts up with me. I used to be so laid back and chilled out. As you can imagine my trust issues are massive and that's really taking a toll on the relationship. He says I'm worth it. I hope he continues to think that way. 10th July 2016.

2nd Jan 2016

New sleeve additions. Birdhouse, rose and birds. Also newest one on my inner elbow. Succulent plant 😍

So. I am still dating Tom. When we're sober and together it's fantastic and there's not one little bit of doubt in my mind about him. I trust him. That is until he is drinking.... He was absolutely mortal with his friends last night and tonight he's at his work Christmas party. Being an ex other woman I find it impossible to trust anyone. I guess that's my karma. My ex also was perusing a work colleague behind my back. Maybe I'll always be second best. Maybe I'll always be cheated on for what I did. Maybe there'll always be someone else out there better for him than I am. The anxiety I feel tonight is absolutely unbearable. I feel physically sick. He told me today he can be trusted whether he's drunk or not. Why can't I just believe him? I'm going out of my mind with worry. I am seeing him Monday. I just need it to be Monday. He's out again tomorrow night, I can't take a 3rd night of this. 5th December 2015.

Our relationship was long (5 years) and it was never going to be real. I loved him and he loved me but we were never really meant to be. I was very wrong about that. I'm not sad any more. I don’t feel that gut wrenching pain of being second best. Never again! Since mid September I’ve been chatting to Tom. Someone I met through tinder. Which usually means they’re after one thing. It was over a month of chatting before Tom and I met in person. On 24th October we met. Things have been pretty great ever since. I don’t get that gut feeling that he’s up to no good. Not like I did with the recent people I’ve dated. Its early days. We’re getting on well and getting to know each other. I don’t know if we will end up together. I don’t even know if I want to end up with him. I just know I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh. 15th November 2015

My new tattoo. I'm sorry I've been a little but quiet. There's not really been anything happening to tell you about. Boring every day life. 21st Oct 2015

It was sunny yesterday. It made me feel happy. ☺

04/09/2015

I just want to be settled. I'm renovating a house. I hate my job. I'm dating. When will I just be happy and content. That is all I want. Surely that isn't too much to ask for? I'm waiting on confirmation from Chris if I am seeing him on Friday. Why do I have a feeling he's holding out for something better coming along? ANXIOUS. 03/09/2015

I hope you're feeling ok about all of this. It's a massive deal. And remember to think about what you want. Not just that this situation is happening to you. Do you want it. Remember to be selfish.