PlathGOSSIP.

PLATHGOSSIP CONFESSIONALS #033.

“ CONFESSION: LENORE DELAWHORE & THE CREEPER DESERVE EACH OTHER ”

IF ONLY, my dear anon. If only we had any tea to spill. Trust me, if we knew who it was, it’d be front-page news in the Plath Post. Better yet, that creep would be out of here. We’re in the dark just like you are, babe. If only we knew who they were, what they were doing here, why they were terrorizing our school. All we can do is wait: for the next clue, the next injury, the next death. But let’s go over what we know so far, huh? A little brainstorming sesh never hurt anybody. 

They’re OBSERVANT. They know about our hobbies. Our families. Where we came from. Why we were sent here in the first place. Now either they broke into the principal’s office and and stole all our files, or they’ve been watching us. Very closely.

They’re HORNY, bordering on obsessive when it comes to the ladies. They also have a thing with giving flowers to pretty girls (and the occasional boy). Yikes.

They WORK ALONE. I’m not so sure that that’s true, especially with people claiming to be their partner-in-crime. But they do seem to have a soft spot for horror-buff Jimmy St. Clair. Interesting. 

They have an obsession with CLEANLINESS. They want to scrub us all from the inside-out–especially those of us who tend to make a mess. THEY are the only one who is allowed to make things dirty again. 

–But also a penchant for violence, not to mention BLOOD AND GORE. Fingers. Arms. Legs. Guts. Just hack it ‘em all off. Good thing God gave us spare parts, huh? That goes for eyeballs, too. Shit. 

They’re UNIDENTIFIABLE. They cloak themselves in black and wear a stupid, cliché Ghostface mask. And if that isn’t enough, anything they say is distorted by a strange little gadget. Of course it is. (But apparently they smell like mice.)

And they’re CUNNING. It would be all too easy to torture people in person, but instead they do it from afar. Hiding traps, hurting people while they’re unconscious. In other words, they’re a sneaky motherfucker. There’s only two people I can think of that they hurt in person, and neither of them lived to tell the tale. 

But at the same time, they’re THEATRICAL. They want to remain hidden, but they want all the credit for their “performances.” Every trap has to be a Rube Goldberg device. Every gift has to come with a note. Some even come on audiobook. 

Did our little overview give anyone any ideas yet? I know I’m still stumped. SHIT. WILL SOMEONE JUST CATCH THIS DAMN CREEPER ALREADY?

This dump has hit a bit of a DRY SPELL lately. They say nothing kills the mood like anti-depressants, huh? However, there is one couple I’d LOVE to see Marvin Gaye and get it on:

                                LENORE and THE CREEPER

I hear she plans on asking him out on a date. Ooh la la~ And they supposedly have h i s t o r y together, so I say why not? If she already knows him, she might as well do it with a guy she can trust. And he even sent her FLOWERS. ♡ I know flowers can put me in the mood to do the horizontal tango. But maybe that’s just me.

I say let her go for him. Give us something steamy to talk about around here. For a bunch of horny teens, you guys sure are celibate. (And is anyone else even a little curious about how he performs? The guy’s into theatrics. Maybe he’d want to do a little role-playing.)

Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. So what if it’s unsafe? It’s good news. And if she never comes back, well … I guess she’s just having a really good time. 

You’re kidding me, right? You want me to pick just one kid in this insane asylum we call a boarding school? 

Fine. I’ll pick three, and that’s the best you’re getting. 

SIMON REIGN: Simon’s got that ‘tortured artist’ vibe to him. He seems real sweet, but what’s he always writing about in that notebook of his? I see him staring at all of us when we’re in class, scribbling, taking notes. What kind of dirt does he have on us? I want to know what’s in that notebook, Simon. I need to get my hands on it. What gossip that would be.

GABRIEL D’ANGELO: Did somebody say ‘anti-hero’? Girls love a bad boy with a heart of gold. Though the more I hear about him, the more I’m thinking that call for justice gives me the heebie-jeebies. He’s got a killer observant eye. I mean, does this kid even blink? Not to mention his aim with a slingshot is kind of uncanny. Oh yeah, and he’s also knowingly committed murder. I don’t know, I feel like if I get on his bad side he might take me out back and shoot me or something. 

ZACH COLTRANE: Let’s review: 1) he was found alone in a FOREST, 2) he eats raw meat. I don’t know, I don’t trust that wood nymph. But he’s just so sweet. Such a gentle soul. Such a pacifist. And his room always smells nice and flowery. I mean, just look at him. Look at that adorable smile. What’s a girl to do? I’m smitten.

Anyway, those are just my top three, but I think you’re all creepy cuties. ♡

Oh, gosh, do I really have to pick just a few? With so many possible victims, I’m sure most people here have a little gaslight in them. But, okay. I’ll play~

CYPRESS: Plath’s nature boy reppin’ the Pacific Northwest! Caustic to all humankind. but gentle to adorable little plants. He’s definitely a sleeper manipulator for sure. You may have thought he was a changed man, but we’ve been watching his conversations with Johnathon and I do not like the look in his eyes. Watch out for this one. He looks really nice ‘til he opens his mouth. After all, some of the prettiest flowers are poisonous–some can even stop a heart.

NICK: Can we get an exorcist up in here? ‘Cause this devil is up to no good. He’s the type of guy you love to hate, and BOY do we hate him! He’s the one pulling the strings, and he won’t ever let you forget it. I’m kind of in awe at how he got Simon wrapped around his finger again so soon, but I guess it truly is a gift of his. His forked tongue can spin the worst words into gold and–not gonna lie–I’m kind of jealous. If you’re going to talk to him, KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!

NORIE: The most innocent-looking one of them all. With a saccharine smile and shiny blonde hair, you would think she’s just a normal teenage girl, obsessed with boys, jewelry, and the spirit world. But don’t get too close! She’ll pull you in with her feminine charm until she gets you exactly where she wants you, and then there’s no way out. And the best part is, you’ll have absolutely no idea. You’ll think she’s wonderful. She’ll be your best friend while keeping her fingers crossed behind her back. Keep on keepin’ on, my friend. The students and teachers of Plath are at your fingertips. 

There you have it: your list of Top 3 People to Avoid if You Have Any Sense of Self-Preservation at All.–Now go talk to them and destroy yourselves. You know you want to. 

Oh, honey. How do you expect us to narrow it down like that? You’re going to have to be a little more specific. I couldn’t even give you three if I tried to break it up by subcategory. 

Hottest Tramps;;Cypress Bronte, Scarlet Knott, Ruby Kane, Norie Delapore.

Hottest Bible Humpers;;Levi James, Jonah James, Eve Snow, Oliver Perkins.

Hottest Punkasses;;Nick Rojas, Sarah Matthews, Sawyer Elliott, Frankie Llewellyn.

Hottest Downers;;Ashton Hardy, Simon Reign, Clementine Sterling, Blaise Peters.

Hottest Enigmas;; Carmela Espinosa, Mikky Middleton, Raul Espinoza, Mimi Song.

Hottest Virgins;;Mai Kwon, Teddy Holt. Ah, and I’m sure Kai Min Jae and Lester Holt— or do those two have something to tell us?

Hottest Messes;;Tony di Sangue, Emmie Lou Urban, Felix Matua, Johnathon Bryn.

Well, the word “TROUBLED” doesn’t have to be synonymous with “SERIAL KILLER,” does it? The word doesn’t have to mean they’re assholes; some of us could just have been in trouble. Everyone here has been through some level of bullshit, even if we all have our own different brand. You can be nice and just have a case of wicked bad luck, can’t you? 

LEVIATHAN JAMES: The sweetest of the Utah Sweeties. This kid would could never hurt a fly, but he’s here because his freaky-weird polygamy cult got shut down. Being forcibly married to a man three times your age is probably a little traumatizing, right? So, I’d consider him a little troubled.

LUCY WITTS: If you’ve spoken to this girl for more than three minutes, you’ll understand what I mean. The only trouble she’ll cause you is a string of bad (and we mean B-A-D) jokes. She’s a good person who got some Grade A bullshit delivered to her at her old school, simply just for speaking her mind. She certainly doesn’t deserve to be here, but then again, how many of us really do?

RUBY KANE: Ruby doesn’t bother anyone. She’s warm and welcoming to the new kids. She cares about other people. Just because she doesn’t act how her hot Hollywood mom would approve of doesn’t mean she deserves to be in this hellhole. Sure, she she probably does partake in a little too much beverage–if you know what I mean–but that’s a side-effect of having a family who’s embarrassed by you. Maybe they should lock Grace Kane up here instead. “Plath Academy: The Movie” would make one hell of a summer blockbuster.

See? You can be troubled and still be nice–that’s part of the tragedy, isn’t it? Bravo to kids who still manage to be kind, despite the shitty cards being dealt to them. You’re true inspirations. Warriors of our time.       And you’ll make the PERFECT victims.

B O N U S   C H A P T E R

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                       HAS ANYBODY SEEN SYDNEY K. WURM?

THIS JUST IN –

Your loyal gossip reporters apologize for the crucial lack of TEA being spilled lately.

We’ve been SWAMPED with real life responsibilities homework and exams, and it seems we’ve gotten a little backed up. But we see your amazing anons and we can’t wait to answer them!

Thanks for tuning in. Keep on sending your Check Check Good Shit and we’ll start getting to stuff soon~

C H A P T E R  3 - THE JOURNALIST

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            How did you all spend St. Patrick’s Day? The dance was lovely, wasn’t it? I got a chance to talk to some of you all happy and giddy, some other were more bitter. My children, you all looked GORGEOUS. And I hope you liked the grand finale! Keeping Phillip Murray alive was quite the feat if you ask me. It was fun. I LOVED the challenge of removing parts of his body without killing him. The poor soldier didn’t put an effort. He just begged to be killed. He BEGGED ME, because while he laid in his prison, he realized something and I could see it in his eyes. He realized I AM GOD.

           Lydia, dear, how is your sight? I’m terribly sorry, apparently the chemical washed away a bit in the warehouse. I should have made a stronger formula so it burnt your eyes forever. That was a very low quality trap, and for that, I apologize. You, my people, deserve nothing but the best of the best. Good thing, avenging knight Gabriel D’Angelo was there to help you. Good thing he wouldn’t hurt you, RIGHT?

          In other news, I am very very disappointed with Jupiter’s death. If there was ever someone who had the brains and the muscles to do something about everything, it was her. But she was an easy pawn, a stick easy to break. What does this mean? Simple. It demonstrates me that none of you are ready. If one of the strongest people here at Plath died in such a pathetic way, then NONE of you are slightly prepared; and Phillip’s ignorance and daring to come here and investigate me proves you all don’t fear YOUR GOD. You leave me no choice but to give you HARSHER punishments and a better preparation.

          Remember I do all of this for your own good.

I’M WATCHING

                                                                 HAPPY NIGHTMARES.

SHOTS FIRED. What has Ms. H ever done to you, huh? All she does is smile and look gorgeous. What’s so pathetic about that? 

Maybe they have a thing for blondes. Maybe she has a thing for blondes. Maybe they all get off on a woman psychoanalyzing them to their inner Freud’s content. Who knows? The old man was a whack job, but he always had sex on the brain. Maybe I’m on to something. Hey Teach, are you still looking for a TA for next year?

Anyway, to all the people out there who are Hot for Teacher: I say you have good taste. You could certainly do a lot worse, anyhow. 

tl;dr: No one’s pathetic until I say they are. Case closed.

YEAH HE IS! Welcome back, MONSIEUR LAFAYETTE! I have to admit, I’m p r e t t y curious as to where he’s been all this time, and why he decided to come back. Why now? Fess up, Marquis. We want DEETS. 

Seems like he also conveniently missed all that Creeper nonsense last month. Lucky baguette. I would say that’s related somehow, but we all know everyone’s favorite teacher wouldn’t hurt a fly french fry. He’s too sweet to hurt his mon petites like that. We love him.

Side Note: Anyone who calls him Daddy is probably getting detention. 

WOW. What a confession! Hot damn. I feel like Eve should be used to the idea of having to share her man by now. Compared to her invalid marriage to Ezekiel, this should even be a breeze. But we all know that if Max pulls him away (even if just for an innocent chat), Eve will be sitting off in a corner somewhere trying not to cry. Someone have tissues at the ready.

Polygamy’s starting to sound real good right about now, huh, Jonah? 

Will Max let her runaway crush get out of hand? Will our little Mormon boy be able to keep his polygamy-trained eyes on Eve now that they’re Facebook Snail Mail Official? Who knows. But the evening’s only just begun. ♡

Why? You’ve got something to say about it? If you want to ask her, you better work quick, pal. LYDIA’s quite the hot commodity these days. Guys go ga-ga over the whole ‘innocent-but-still-killed-my-parents’ thing. It looks like our resident archer Gabriel has already asked her. But maybe she’ll surprise us both and go with someone like Jimmy or Sid. Who knows? That little blonde chick always keeps us on our toes.

So what if she fucks a lot of guys and gals? She’s a strong, independent woman who knows how to get what she wants. I think that’s admirable. 

But for shits and giggles, let’s round up who she’s claimed so far, huh? In chronological order, of course–not that we’ve been keeping tabs or anything.

RORY: Plath’s female Einstein has left us, unfortunately, but she certainly went out with a bang (if you know what I mean). We need some more girl-on-girl action around here, don’t you think?

ADRIAN: Plath’s resident math professor certainly knows how to add 1 + 1.  Oh, baby. And it seems like our beautiful, blonde amazon is going back to her roots, because these two are in a relationship now (I know, I’m laughing, too). They’re apparently “sexually polygamous but romantically monogamous.” HA! Let’s see how long they can keep that up, since the word romance makes the girl break out in hives. Not to mention he’s been messing around with another certain blonde …

JONAH B. JAMES: Our little religious gentleman. Ah, they grow up so fast. Seems like the lessons of how to treat a lady right have come to a close, but her acts of public service will forever live on in our hearts. I’m sure Eve will come to appreciate all that she’s done (as long as she doesn’t find out), since their first and last time was kind of a dud. 

ETIENNE: Dominatrix Lacey is not a myth! She is real and in the flesh, boys and girls, and she had our ditzy genius boy panting for more. She can tie me up anytime. Meow~

FELIX: Before he was hopelessly devoted to his childhood sweetheart, he was getting dirty with Miss Lace Face. I know, I’m as surprised as you are. I guess our little ginger isn’t as sweet as we thought. Innocent Laurel sure is in for a treat the next time she strokes his ego.

JONAH LUX: Finally, her latest victim. I like a man who can eat me out for two hours show a little gratitude. Let’s make this a trend, huh? I know a lot of girls who could use that kind of stress relief.

And if you’re looking to add to your list, I have next period free, Lacey baby. ♡

We’ve gotten so new many newbies lately! Let me see if I can pick a few out of the crowd:

MAI: Ah, yes, Mai the Mouse. Sorry, sometimes I confuse her with a doormat. She’s so quiet. I feel like for every one word she says, she’s probably thinking at least ten more. You always have to watch out for those, you know. Maybe she and Riley can hook up and form a Shy Girl Squad. They can sit across a table and look at each other in silence. How quaint. 

AUGIE: He’s a student here? Huh. I had no idea, since he never seems to show up for class. What, is he too busy for us? Does he think his sketchbook will cry without him? Or maybe he just needs all that time to mysteriously sit alone outside the school and smoke. What a bad-ass. Such a rebel. I wonder what his deal is. 

TATE: Plath must seem like an upgrade after prison, huh? I thought Idaho was just full of potatoes, but clearly I was wrong. You go, girl! What an entrepreneur. If you want to start a business, she’s your woman–just don’t get caught. Overall, she seems pretty chill. Must be the weed. I wonder if she’ll bring some excitement to these hallowed halls. Only time will tell.

SCARLET: Our new resident priss. How exciting. She seems to think her ticket to Plath came packaged with a five-star suite and room service. Shame. Must be so hard being rich. Don’t you worry, honey, we’ll be sure to get some poor shmuck to wipe the sweat from your elegantly-tweezed brow in PE. Second thought, are Manhattan’s elite even able to sweat? Serious question. Someone keep a look out and let us know, ‘kay? 

VERONICA: Just when you thought Plath couldn’t get any more Gossip Girl, we have been blessed with this piece of work. Snooty. Judgmental–so judgmental. She’s probably judging me for writing this right now. And yes, we’re all mourning the fact that you missed this season’s Burberry collection. Get over it, sister. Though I have to say, she’s surprisingly more quiet than I was expecting. Maybe there’s something beneath that rich girl exterior …

Welcome to the loony bin, kids. The fun has only just begun~