a PSA for well-meaning cis people
There will come a time in your life when you will be talking with someone you don't know terribly well — a colleague, or a friend of a friend, or a distant relative you haven't seen in a while — and you will pick up on a vibe.
A gender vibe. A certain je ne 'they' quoi, if you will.
And you'll want to be respectful and supportive, so you'll ask this person you're talking to, "Hey, what pronouns should I use for you?"
And the person will freeze for a moment, or appear slightly alarmed, and they'll look around the room very quickly, and then they'll shake themself and say, "Oh, uh — [pronouns] are fine." Maybe they'll smile awkwardly.
And you will be confused, because, yes, those pronouns will match what you understood to be the person's assigned gender at birth, but the vibe — that subtle sense of Unexpected Pronouns In The Bagging Area — will be, if anything, even stronger than it was before you asked the question.
Friend, you are going to be tempted to push — to ask if they're sure, to make sure they understand that you're an ally, to assure them that if they'd prefer a different set of pronouns, that's totally cool by you —
Please don't fucking do that. Please, please, just take the person at their word and keep using the pronouns they've told you to use.
Because chances are pretty good that you're not wrong about the vibe, but that, for whatever reason, your conversational partner would prefer not to discuss their pronouns in this particular context. Maybe they're still figuring some stuff out, pronoun-wise! Maybe they don't trust you, a person they've met exactly twice! Or maybe they trust you just fine, but they don't trust Alex from Finance / Jenny's boyfriend / Cousin Irma / whoever else is standing near enough to overhear your conversation.
Regardless of their reasons, they have sent you a clear message about what pronouns they would like you to use for them, which means that the most respectful and supportive thing you can do is to use the pronouns they've asked you to use. By asking about their pronouns at all, you have shown your willingness to be supportive, but now you need to back that up by following their lead. If they want to ask you to use different pronouns for you at a point in the future, they will do so.
Battering down the closet door doesn't make you a better ally; it makes you a jerk.
